I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?" 


Jeepers Creepers (2001)
Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003)
Jeepers Creepers 3: Cathedral (2013)


HOLY CRAP!!! They're actually going to make a third installation of what was easily two of the worst movies I've seen (well, at least in a while, not counting any Romero remakes). I mean, didn't they learn from the first two times just how horrible these movies were? Needless to say, do NOT waste the money and your eyeballs on the third horrific piece of garbage meant to be soooo scary. Okay, I'm calmer now. To begin with, the person who wrote this (and I'll be nice and not give his name) specifically wrote it thinking of having Lance Henrickson (I did a review of him in June) play the 'Creeper'. Thankfully and in my opinion dodging a bullet, Lance didn't want to or wasn't available to do it. Now if 'Jeepers Creepers' sounds familiar, then you must be over 60 years old. For the rest of us, that was a song your grand or great-grandparents listened to on a 78 record back in 1938, when it was popular. Too bad we can't send these movies back in time.



Jeepers Creepers: Trish (Gina Philips) and her brother Darry (Justin Long) are coming home from college for spring break. Okay before I go on I must say that Justin Long is a perfectly amiable and cute dude. But he seriously needs a new agent. If there is a role for an ineffective, helpless and generally oh well kind of guy, they put him in it. Seriously, I've seen him in at least three different movies, basically playing the same guy. If you've seen Drag Me To Hell you get a good idea of what I'm talking about. All right, back to this abortion of a movie. 


As they drive through the Florida countryside in Trish's '60 Chevrolet Impala, a mysterious driver in a '41 Chevy tries to run them off the road. 




After letting the vehicle pass them, they later see the same truck, in the distance off the side of the road, with a hulking man sliding what looks to be bodies covered with blood stained sheets, into a large pipe sticking out of the ground next to an old, abandoned church. Now at this point the safe and sane thing would be to drive a thousand miles an hour to a place with a lot of people with a lot of guns or, better yet, pretend you didn't see anything. But we aren't that lucky. Darry insists they go back (and here comes the part he's seemingly meant for). He crawls down the pipe, falls and at the bottom discovers what appears to be hundreds of dead bodies in different stages of decay. NOW they beat cleats out of there and try to find someone. Duh. While waiting at a diner for the cops, they get a phone call from a woman who's apparently 'psychic' (after all, she knew they were there) and she warns them that they are in deep sh.... trouble. Double duh. 


Okay stuff happens, the 'Creeper' finds and chases them blah blah they run and run blah blah the 'Creeper' sniffs the dude's dirty laundry (ewww) to memorize his scent and there seems to be no escape. They DO manage to run the 'Creeper' over, but it just gets back up, and through its torn clothes, they see wings. Wings? Really? And just how did the writer of this story think that Lance Henrickson would play a weirded out monster with wings? Or did he just tack that on after he found out Lance wasn't going near the project? In either case, the duh quotient starts to rise at alarmingly death-dealing rates. They do make it to the police station, but so does the 'psychic' who tells the backstory of the 'Creeper' - an immortal demon (very VERY duh) that has to feed every 23 years for 23 days. Okay those kind of demon rules are both weird and very DUH!!!! Sorry about that. To end this without torturing you any further, despite everything the two stupid young people do now, they're pretty screwed. At least the boy is, since the monster sniffed his dirty underwear. Sure enough, the demon gets Darry and the blissful end of the movie is the song playing a background tune to Darry's screams as the demon basically scoops out his head. Oh, and decides to use his eyes for himself. Self-transplants, impressive. Not. The end, right? Oh no, we have to be tortured with...

Jeepers Creepers 2:  It's been four days since Darry's head was scooped out like a melon. The Creeper has officially one more day of feeding before its 23 years of.... hibernation? Sleep? Do you really care? This time we get a whole bus full of basketball players and cheerleaders. Oh goody, I really want them dead now. But first we get a horrid story of a farmer who's working outside with his two sons. His younger son Billy is looking at a 'scarecrow' when it comes to life, picks him up and takes off. Bye bye Billy. 


NOW we get to go on to the rah rah slaughter on the school bus. First the Creeper puts a type of spike on the road, blowing the bus tire and stranding them in the middle of nowhere (of course, no horror movie ever takes place where cell phones work). For some stupidly lets-take-up-some-time reason, one of the girls has a dream about Darry from the first movie. He's standing on the side of the road, looking ineffective as usual, but with no eyes. Ewww. Why she has this dream is never explained and you really REALLY don't care. I mean this whole bus could disappear and no one would care, right? 


Oh, you forgot about Billy didn't you? Can't blame you.. His dad and older brother decide to make it a personal mission to hunt and kill the Creeper for, I'm sure by now, murdering their kin. They create a harpoon (No joke!) on a truck and search out the bus which only had a CB for communication. There's your tax dollars at work. Send your kids out in the middle of nowhere with no spare tire, no real way of contacting anyone, and no real plan in case of, well, Creeper attack. 


As the Creeper starts butchering them one by one (way too slowly in my opinion but I just wanted the movie to be over) he replaces certain 'worn' body parts with the parts of the students he kills. He's into self-transplants, remember? No? Can't blame you for that. The farmer and his son show up and harpoon the Creeper. Since this is supposed to be a demon, not Jaws, it doesn't kill him. Instead it starts pulling the truck along as it tries to get away, managing to overturn it. Long story short (too late) when there's only a few kids left, the farmer shoots the Creeper in the head and stabs it repeatedly. And the 23 days of feeding ends and it - doesn't die. It's gone back into its 23 years of hibernation. Good thing that demon knows the rules. The farmer stitches the damn thing back together (it got kind of mangled) and makes money charging passersby for a look at it as it hangs in his barn. The harpoon is loaded and aimed at the creature. The farmer, now old, says something about it only being three more days now... The end. No? What the hell???




Jeepers Creepers 3: Cathedral: I am NOT going to subject myself to this so I'll just give you a rundown on this particular synopsis. Trish Jenner (the girl from the first movie) is now a mother of a teenage son named Darry, named after the brother she lost 23 years ago (oh, we get a sort of Halloween H2O feeling here). Trish has a recurring nightmare where her son suffers the same fate as her brother did, killed by the Creeper. Determined to prevent this from happening, Trish, who is now a rich and powerful woman (that's freaking convenient), sets out on a final quest with the farmer and his older son from the second movie to end the Creeper's reign of terror once and for all. What do you want to bet they make this turkey in 3-D? YIKES!