Brainless With A Splash Of Dumb





It's My Party And I'll Die If I Want To (2007)

Yeah, I'm still in a funk and have been watching a lot of what I call NWM movies (not worth mentioning) on Netflix. This one - worth mentioning only because of the putrid value. Bad acting, bad effects (my sincere apologies to Tom Savini) bad backstory and all around baaaaad movie - with some fun in it. If you look at it the right way, sometimes the worst of movies can be kind of fun and you can find a nugget or two of wisdom (or stupidity) within the, in this case, 79 minutes of movie.

I have to WHAT? Or you'll WHAT???

Okay the story: In the 30's a man named Jacob Burkitt was trying to read and his wife was trying to make dinner. But, damn it all, the meat was just too tough so before cooking she had to tenderize it. The noise of pounding meat drove Jacob mad (to move the story along don't question anything) and he hacked his wife and six children into pieces, wrapped the pieces in wax paper and twine and put the right limbs in one room, the left limbs in one room, etc. until the heads were left - at an elaborately set table he put each of their heads on a plate. He then proceeded to hack himself up (I know, I know just go with it dammit) and joined his family at the table.

Okay NOW I know why he did this movie...

We know all this because this 'haunted' mansion (which wasn't even a large house, c'mon now) never sold and is now the sight of the lucky subject of this movie, Sara, martial arts expert and just turning 18 (Now remember the martial arts part, 'kay?). It's for her birthday party, thrown by all her friends. I was settling back, with a split screen playing Facebook games and glancing at the screen every once in a while (anything needing a segue was simply drawn up as a comic book) when I happened to notice a face. I stopped the movie and just about cried. It was Tom Savini. I'd already written down the terrible special effects that started the movie (when the father bludgeoned one daughter her head was clearly a doll, and not a good one; another daughter didn't scream UNTIL her head was bludgeoned in, which would be kind of impossible) and so I must say at this point OH MY GOD SAVINI WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS? WAS SOMEONE BLACKMAILING YOU? And then I calmed down. He was playing an electrician (Tom's Electric on the truck... very small chuckle) and he's at the Burkitt house to turn on the power for the party. He promptly electrocutes himself. Sigh.

Remember kids: Get your tetanus shots regularly...

We then see some of Sara's friends (all immediately killable) setting up the house for the party - an Asian girl is mixing the fake blood they're gonna dump on her boyfriend while dressed in her brand new Asian school girl uniform (wow, what a stretch) when of course she gets some on herself and has to strip down to her short-short skirt to rinse it off. Tom pops up out of nowhere - she didn't see him (duh) and he didn't die, just pass out (massive duh) only to revive in time to see 17 year old ta tas. Good one Tom. He leaves and the, uh, ghost? The zombie? The demon? The... whatever of Jacob Burkitt shows up and shoves his fist through her chest, pushing her heart into the sink (uh, no) and giving us a POV of the hole through her, as her lungs continue to fill and deflate (uh, no freaking way). Aaaaand that's the way this film is going to go.

Coincidences in place - we are ready to begin...

See, this WHOLE film is about preparing for the party but dying (and not in the order I would have chosen) by different means by the whole ghost/zombie/demon Burkitt family. Slowly. Very, very slowly. Why the title? I think it was meant to literally scare away the smart people so just dumb people would watch this with no complaints. But I was out looking for dumb, and dumb I found. There were a couple of lines worth mentioning, the typical 'Real life isn't like the movies.' line bad horror likes to repeat, 'God this is so cliche'.' was another, and my favorite that was surely an error - when the teenage boy who conveniently knows the entire backstory starting from the beginning of the century tells the story of how after the family wasn't seen for a few weeks the sheriff showed up at the house and no one answered the door 'so he forced himself in'. I laughed. I had to - you have to laugh at this or else go home 'cause that's all there is. The line should have been 'he forced his way in' but I like the first one better.

Two little F'd up kids are we...

But geez this movie took a long time to start getting to the point. It takes 53 minutes for the real bloodshed to start, and by this time Sara has shown up for her party (which is still non-existent) and finds that her friends are being slaughtered. But hey cheer up! Coincidence number one - she's a martial arts expert. Coincidence number two - her friends have bought her a brand new Katana sword for her birthday (still like Michonne a hell of a lot better). So, and I shit you not, to the tune of the EXTENDED version of 1976's classic hit loved by every good boy and girl (kidding) A Fifth Of Beethoven by Walter Murphy. Which brings us to coincidence number three and our kicker - the fight between her and the ghost/zombie/demon of Jacob Burkitt lasts exactly that long - wow, who could have guessed THAT would happen? Or that their fighting would be right on the beat? Not me says the idiot. Oh yeah, of course, says me.

FIVE MINUTES before the end of the movie (and that's counting the credits) the party officially begins when the guests, not knowing what's been happening in this house, all crowd their way in. And in the green glow that's never explained lights off-on scenes we find a general slaughter of all the teens inside and the movie's done. Whaddya know, a happy ending!

Ending The Year With A Loud Whimper




Life Sucks And Then You... Live Some More

I guess it was bound to happen. Sorry my children but I've hit a major wall. When I lost Max there was at first almost a sense of relief. After all, his suffering was over, my constant vigil over him was done. Now... there is a huge hole in my life and I'm not dealing with it very well. I'm always looking down at my feet expecting him to be running into my legs. Or on the table on his blanket getting in my way as I try to type. Or sleeping on my chest - even if that meant me being up every two hours or so to take care of him. His sweet face, sightless yet still trusting is in front of my eyes when I close them. My two remaining kids, elderly Goliath and not-quite-two year old Tikka, are confused, looking around for him and there's no way to explain it to them, is there?

While I try to work myself out of the dark, tortuous hole I'm in, here's a few suggestions for a chuckle or two. Not working for me, but maybe you might find some humor there...

Eddie Izzard: This English comedian I kind of learned about backwards. By that I mean first I saw him in a bit part in Across The Universe which was quite funny, then of course his hilarious part in Bullet In The Face (I highly recommend that one), then the aborted attempt to remake The Munsters (he was grandpa), and then on Spotify found a few of his albums, then on Netflix, his performances and other movies he's been in. Eddie is a self-described transvestite (although I've seen him in makeup and jewelry I've yet to see him in an actual dress) and if you can follow his accent (and the several languages he speaks) he can be quite funny in a tortuous get-to-the-point-please kind of way.

Christopher Walken: Don't think this guy is a comedian? Try watching his performances on Saturday Night Live. Or his mad dance skills in Fatboy Slim's Weapon Of Choice in 2001 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQ7z57qrZU8 . Or at least catch the ever funny parody of The Walking Dead called The Walken Dead - I got to be one of the first 50 people to see this (big honor that was) and now... it's gone kapow! Here's that link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=giAQuLntqXY . And have a very Walken day.

Gabriel Iglesias: Whether you believe in the fluffy philosophy, this oversized and very funny guy has not only a great sense of humor about himself but also life in general. Pick any of his specials, you really can't go wrong. And get a new sense of what being big is really like. When you consider there's a size called daaaaaamn, fluffy ain't so bad, honest.

Henry Cho: Want something a little different you can watch with the whole family? Henry Cho is just the one. He's a Korean comic who was born and raised in Tennessee - just watching him talking in his southern accent is funny enough, listening to his stories of the mix of his Korean family with his wife's southern one is just plain hilarious. Irreverent without being racist, he is a clean machine of funny. Most liked performance? Henry Cho: What's That Clicking Noise? You won't regret it.

Family Guy: Just pick an episode. Any episode. Any year. The best ones I enjoy are the adventures with Stewie and Brian but the rest are just as funny, just as gross, just as incredibly entertaining. And I happen to think Seth is a hottie. And watching him on Saturday Night Live was the best thing I'd seen on that show since the 80's.


Blue Collar Comedy Tour: Meh, the jokes are kind of getting dated and we're more than a little ready for new material from these guys (Did you know that Jeff Foxworthy has been writing one redneck joke a day for his daily calendar since 1991?) but you can't deny their appeal...


Well, that's a few choices for cheering you up a bit. Unfortunately there's nothing for me. At all. Ever. At least it feels that way for now. Not even the cartoon beginning of Mario Bava's Hercules movie is doing me any good right now. So I think I'll just stay out of your way for a bit.

One Damn Mario Bava Movie At A Time

Planet Of The Vampires 

aka Demon Planet

aka Planet Of Blood

aka Terrore Nello Spazio 

(Terror In Space) 

(1965) Italian

Hmmm... halfway to 13,000, will I make it before the start of the new year? Even if I don't I'm so damn happy that you all have stopped by my little horror blog I've got to give you all a big cyber hug anyway... thank you all so much - I never dreamed of this kind of reception, especially since I've only been doing this since June so... yay bad movies!

Speaking of bad movies - this could definitely be considered one - taken at face value. Since I was already told it influenced many future science fiction projects, I took extra care and paid closer attention than normal and yes, there were many fine (and some awful) points to this movie that you do recognize happening in future television/movie projects. And I didn't cheat - I saw the movie first, read the wiki after and yes, what I saw is what is pointed out in the wiki description - yay for me! My brain cell does like to fire once in a while. This movie, again distributed by American International like many of Bava's creations, is based on Renato Pestriniero's short story One Night of 21 Hours.

First let me point out - there is not ONE vampire in this movie. No monsters. No aliens. The mighty enemy they face? Themselves. Oh yes my children, we have zombie action here... sort of. Our basic story is two spaceships responding to a signal from an unexplored planet. One crash lands, the other barely lands intact. Our crew are wearing the coolest uniforms I've seen in an old sci fi movie - motorcycle gear (at least it looks it) from head to foot including gloves and boots - black leather with yellow piping. Bitchin'! They also have yellow motorcycle helmets - err I mean space helmets. Best. Costumes. Ever. Being a Bava film we have more than the usual attention paid to detail here - and you definitely get a Star Trek vibe when you watch the crew at their 'helms' pushing buttons, pulling levers, shouting at each other even though they're in a small room.... the only thing they didn't do is the famous 'jump to the left, step to the right' bouncy action you saw in a lot of Star Trek episodes.

The gore in this movie is actually pretty spiffy for a 60's film - and I'm sure was shocking to those that saw it (mostly Spanish and Italian people as it wasn't released in the US despite AI distribution). One scene shows a crewman whose face has been pretty messed up - there's a sizable hole in his head, his ear is mostly ripped off, lots of blood and what looks to be a bone sticking out near his jaw. Now picky little people like me also noticed that the gum they used to attach the 'wounds' (I've made a few myself in my time) was too shiny and showed up in the shot (should have dulled that with makeup) and the blood was a little off but that's me. Other wounds that weren't that bad were burns, other cuts, and one crew member who opened his jacket to reveal that he had no skin on his chest at all (don't know why or how, just go with it).

This movie is also progressive when it comes to the women - they are equals to the men and serve many purposes on the ship - they even get involved in the fights. In fact, one gets punched full on in the face by one of the male undead. When are you going to see something like that? Of course she got right back up which isn't going to happen but still...

Now the planet is mostly rocks (Star Trek'y type of terrain) but is also very colorful, and the problem of making it seem like a large planet instead of a small set is covered over by dense fog and mist - a cheap but effective way of making a kind of illusion of size. Bava despaired at having such a low budget and had to resort to 'camera' tricks to make his planet work - mainly by using mirrors to duplicate things and make them look larger, a lot of miniature work and, of course, the fog. He also had to work with an international cast - meaning that the actors were from different countries and most didn't speak English. I wondered as I watched the movie why some of the actors/actresses mouths matched the dialogue and some didn't. Some were Spanish, Portuguese and Italian - that must have made it difficult to keep a fluid movie dialogue going but Bava did very well for what he had to work with.

The influences? Well, the story is the members of the crashed ship died, as well as several of the members of the other ship - they buried them covered in plastic in soft dirt (On a rock planet?) with a metal plate over the top and some strange metal piece 'marking' the grave. Not a hard grave to get yourself out of. The captain called all these (who were not true zombies, they were being 'controlled' by the unseen aliens who apparently lived 'on a different plane' than they did) returning crewmen the 'living dead'. Now Romero's groundbreaking film didn't come out until 1968, so this was not copying other ideas... same with the other things that were familiar in this movie. 

For instance they find an alien ship that had also crashed on the planet (you probably have the right film in mind already) and sure enough inside they find all the crew dead - humanoid shaped but about three times the size of human beings and their skulls were a little different. Got the movie yet? I did, and wiki gives the nod that yes, there is a lot of influence in this movie seen in Ridley Scott's Alien. The wish for the alien life that is dying out on their planet to use the human bodies to 'transport' them out of there, the aliens 'entering' the dead's bodies to control them, their wish to find a planet with lots and lots of little critters to control... there are several other types of movies that come to mind but Alien (and they say Prometheus but I haven't seen that one yet) seem to be the main ones.

A couple of giggles - the main ship's captain's name is Mark Markary (pfffft...) and about 1:13 into the movie he and his female assistant are skulking around the ship as the living dead are trying to get a device off their ship to fly to another planet they sneak up on a door (they were all the 'whoosh' kind, just like on Star Trek but with windows) you can plainly see someone off camera getting too close to the two actors, his shadow appears behind them, then after a second or two quickly jumps back. Funny.

Does this film have a good ending? Did Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (which there are some elements of in this film - for example they overcome some of the crew as they sleep)? Nope. Three live to power the ship up and lift off (and I swear this ship was starting up under water - you see air bubbles shoot out underneath the thing and slide up the side of the ship), the captain, his female assistant and a red shirt - uh I mean Wes, a technician. 

Soon the captain and assistant reveal that despite still being alive they have been 'taken over' and ask Wes to join them. He refuses, electrocuting himself to death by sabotaging the ship so they can't get far. They have to land fast and choose the first planet close enough - a marble looking planet of blue with 'primitive societies' still living in buildings of stone and steel (What the hell were the spaceships made of anyway - plastic?). That's right - the first loser planet getting to fall under alien control will be the third planet from Sol - Earth.

Pffft, just they wait until the gorefest REALLY starts...

Back To Business And No Whiny Stuff



Mario Bava

I kind of got off-topic and whined a bit about a personal situation and that's not what this blog is for, sorry about that. I have next on the agenda so to speak a nifty 1965 movie called Planet Of The Vampires (one of its many names) which is not at all about vampires but still has some elements that are recognizable in quite a few early and modern science fiction television and movies.

Yes, I'm gonna miss my cuddle boy (he breathes and his heart beats, but he's not really there) and when I screw up the courage to let him go to sleep I'm gonna hurt like hell but you're here to read about bad (and not so bad but maybe more misguided) movies and that's what we're gonna do. So one last mention and we're off and running on another set of Bava projects, followed by the query of why does college make kids stupider, or at least more likely to go off to remote places and get themselves killed (but just not quickly enough).

Life is hard. Movies are fun. Let's just do that. Oh and I still have my unlikely duo of sweethearts - a curmudgeonly old dude named Goliath with way too many toes has fallen in love (platonic) with my one year old sweetie of a tiger striped girl named Tikka... all rescues so who knows? Maybe soon another wanting young thing will be meowing at the door looking for a little love...

Peacefully at sleep 12/28/12

Foreign Movies That Don't Suck




Dek hor aka Dorm 
aka My School (2006) Thailand

I just couldn't face a movie I'd have to analyze carefully (the rest of the Bava collection) so I went for one I thought would be easy-peasy and a cinch to laugh at. Nope. This movie is billed as 'chilling' and 'gripping'. Not really. It's supposed to be a scary ghost story (that sort of thing is really big with Eastern culture) but instead I found it to be sweet, endearing and not the least bit frightening. I had to look up a little of the Thai habits portrayed in this movie since I'd never heard of these particular beliefs before, but other than that... The premise is that a young boy, Ton Chatree is sent away to boarding school to get good grades, plus not tattle on his father for having an affair. According to the premise he is bullied and mistreated until a mysterious student befriends him and the scares start. No. That was not the story - at least not completely. 

I mean I wouldn't want to have to go to this school - there's got to be several hundred boys crammed together, no privacy whatsoever, they bathe by using bowls in communal tubs to throw water over their heads (always wearing trunks and flip-flops) and a little soap, and eating a very bland diet. The, I guess it would be headmistress, Miss Pranee is a severe person who's had personal tragedies - each night she puts on a certain record, looks into her desk drawer and cries. Hmm.

The only reason Chatree had to be miserable is being away from his friends in this boarding school, and the fact that several of his bunkmates told him scary stories, causing him to be too afraid to use the bathroom at night and wet his bed. That's it. If that's torture and reason to be miserable... well, it's not. Ghost stories are just that, and they do nothing else to 'torture' him while he's there - he mainly tortures himself by feeling sorry for himself all the time. That's when he meets Vichien. 

Vichien is a nice young boy who kind of takes Chatree out of himself, and they have a lot of buddy scenes (this thing is 111 minutes). One night, the boys are treated to an outdoor movie. It's apparently a comedy/horror movie as the boys alternately laugh and respond to 'scary' parts. The 'ghost' hops after the supposed victims and the boys laugh. It grabs at the feet of one of them and all the boys in unison bring their feet up to their chairs. It then goes for something - more sensitive and again in unison all the boys grab theirs... all right, their danglies okay? Their balls, their testicles, their nuts... happy? Then one of the supposed victims instruct the others to hold their breaths - apparently in Thai lore, this makes you invisible to ghosts.

Now I tried to look this up but do you know just how much lore Thailand has about the dead? Way too much stuff to put here - and I couldn't find anything about holding your breath - although in the US it's an urban legend to hold your breath when you pass a cemetery lest a wandering spirit finds its way into your body... point being I guess you can have any type of superstition you want and it'll stick, no matter what the country.

Anyway, as every boy in the audience holds his breath, including Chatree, he notices his friend Vichien has disappeared. In Vichien's eyes it is all the other boys who have disappeared. Aha, we have our ghost. This frail little guy is supposed to scare us by what, being friendly? Wanting to help a kid get used to his new school? This is turning more like Casper (except a much better story). So now Chatree, who when he takes a breath again sees his friend, is aware that he is chummy with a ghost. It freaks him out at first (like I said, Eastern culture) but soon he realizes that Vichien is very likeable, not going to hurt him, and hey - he can make all the school's dogs (Corgis and don't ask me why they have them) howl in unison, which the boys had told him meant the presence of ghosts. 

He asks Vichien how he died - apparently when there was an outdoor pool, the boys were in it past their time and one was being silly and pretending to be drowing - laughing when the other boys 'rescued' him. Vichien (right at 6:00 p.m.) tries the same but the boys, knowing better, laugh and leave. But Vichien's leg has a cramp and he IS drowning now - and slowly sinks to the bottom. This supposedly is why Miss Pranee cries - she believes he killed himself and it's her fault.

So, for Thai reasons, every night at six Vichien must relive his drowning because 'his spirit can't be reborn' or something to that effect. Apparently being stupid gets you the same kind of 'limbo' as being a suicide. I dunno. Chatree witness this whole thing but despite trying to 'help' he of course can't grab Vichien because during this period he is truly a ghost. Afterward they discuss it, with Chatree definitely being eager to help his friend however he can. During this whole period his father has been constantly calling and trying to visit him, but he always hides. So you've got drama, a buddy picture and some comedy - no horror.

Chatree asks a young boy who supposedly 'knows' what to do - he must separate his spirit from his body to help his friend. So we've got a little The Frighteners in here. Chatree puts himself out with ether and runs (in spirit) to the pool to save his friend. His other classmates find him and rush his body to the pool (Why didn't he do this by the pool? Ask another Thai 'cause I dunno.) and Miss Pranee is trying to find everyone, fearing another tragedy. Chatree, in spirit form, saves Vichien which essentially 'frees' him I guess, and is revived by his friends.

So we have a lot of loose ends to tie so they spend the rest of the movie doing that. Chatree says goodbye to his friend, who is now free to, uh, move on? He is picked up by his parents and forgives his father. Before he leaves however, he goes to Miss Pranee saying no, Vichien didn't kill himself and it wasn't her fault. All ends tied, our story ends - and Chatree holds his breath now going over bridges (another Thai thing I guess) and looks forward to the next term of school.

Wait, What? This Movie Kicks Ass? Really?





Chain Reaction aka 
House Of Blood (2006) Germany

I know, I know, this is not a Bava movie nor is it about college students. To be honest, I just wanted a 'junk' horror film just to watch and turn off my brain for a bit. After just a couple of minutes the brain turned on full and I was scribbling notes like crazy... This is a German film, set in Washington state of all places (but filmed in Germany and Austria) and is an English speaking horror film almost - I said almost - in the same caliber of Cabin In The Woods. Yes, it almost compares with the excellent submission from the Whedonverse. I kid you not, I was glued to this movie, even with its flaws because damn - it had imagination, great special effects, an interesting story line and hell, it was just fun to watch. For 101 minutes you are transported to the wonderful world of the absurd with monsters that... well, let's get on with our tale.

Now of course there are flaws - and this movie was not well liked. Everywhere I looked for information and reviews there was a very low interest in this movie. I cannot possibly tell why. Now I am not a big fan of foreign films although they do seem to try harder - I recently tried one about evolving zombies in Germany (which shall remain nameless) because, although it was interesting and a very different kind of angle when it came to zombie lore it turned quickly pornographic and... uh, never mind. So with trepidation, I only watched this for the tag line: ''For the undead, there's no place like home'. Oooh zombie stuff! Hopefully better than the filth... never mind.

We start with a black crow. Just a simple bird. This bird falls dead from the sky, dislodging a rock, which rolls and flies onto a Washington mountain road, hits a car windshield... we see a man, Dr. Doug Madsen get out of bed, a long, old scar down one leg. He keeps a memorial booklet from his parent's funeral when he was a boy - it shows their pictures and their heads suddenly turn and become bloody - and we see them dead in a crashed car, the boy injured but alive. Interesting camera work. He is helped by a mysterious lady who gives him a crucifix. He thinks of her often, but in that dreamy kind of way you do when you're not sure what was dream and what was real.

As he's driving to work along the same Washington mountain road (Washington state is truly a beautiful place, but it was very obvious this wasn't it) we get the same events - bird, rock, windshield, he swerves in the road - in front of a prison bus which crashes on its side. After a particularly violent coup by the surviving inmates (four) they unshackle themselves and grab the doc who isn't badly injured since one of them was shot and they need his help. Okay, small points of whoopsy I have to point out because hey, that's what I do: Although the prisoners are supposed to be transferring from the Seattle Penitentiary, the jumpsuits simply say County Jail. Okay, there is no Seattle Penitentiary, but there is a King County Jail in downtown Seattle. 

The incredible, magical, indestructible guard uniforms.

The surviving inmates get out of their jumpsuits and take the clothes of the guards they killed. Umm, (sucks air through teeth) they murdered these guards pretty violently - shot, bludgeoned, smushed into mud puddles that appeared out of nowhere in a perfectly dry area. Yet when they wear the uniforms, they're clean, pressed, not a single hole to be found. Oh, and a perfect fit for all. Uh yeah. That's what I do. I also noted that they had the magic firearms, you know, the kind where ammo never runs out.

Alice and Dr. Madsen.

They press on north, figuring on getting to the Canadian border and freedom. The five wander through the woods and come upon a bank of fog. While travelling in it they become lost and are sure they are no longer travelling north. One notices smoke going straight up - not a campfire, a chimney. They keep going and come to a stone house with boarded windows and a rough wooden roof, very dilapidated. A girl is outside bleeding a sheep - not to death, just a bit. She goes inside. The inmates figure their luck is fantastic. All go inside and they find... a scene out of the 17th or 18th century - handmade furniture, a Catholic (I'm guessing) type of altar in one corner, and a family eating at the table something that looks very, very red. Oh no, I'm thinking, they're trying to make an M. Night type of movie - ick. Fortunately, I was wrong. 

The 'head' of the family speaks, full of thee and thou and thy, except in a kind of backward way. The whole family sounds like 18th century Yodas, 'Leave mine house must thee.' kind of thing. The convicts of course ignore them, since one is badly wounded and the doc must work on his arm quickly. It has to be amputated. He asks the girl, named Alice to help him. Since his medical bag was lost due to the convicts quick tempers, he's got to do it with primitive stuff they have around the house. It's done. The convicts then decide to wipe out the family. The doc and Alice kind of step aside. And the fun begins. 

Tastes like chicken...

We have a kind of Catholic zombie-werewolf-vampire thing going on here, with decent special effects and makeup. It starts when one convict finds that a family member is gnawing on the now-amputated arm. He of course blasts him in the head. The rest of the family 'transforms' and a bloodbath ensues. Now this is where it gets cool. Just shoot 'em in the head right? Blow it right off and no more monster right? Not in this world. One of the family's head is blown apart - it coalesced itself back together and he jumped up. It only pissed him off. So finally all the convicts are killed, and the doctor is helped out of the house by Alice, who is set upon by her family for her treason.

Eat thee now must I.

He runs through the forest, straight into the arms of a SWAT team. Not likely (says the nitpicker). SWAT teams are not sent to run willy nilly through a forest in the hopes of finding escaping inmates. They are for controlled situations. Anywho, he is questioned for hours (Jurgen Prochnow's only appearance, billed as simply 'The Policeman' who is in this movie maybe five minutes although I love him (and his hair), especially the movie In The Mouth Of Madness of 1994) because no one believes for a second his first story, of monsters in a cabin in the woods, or his subsequent stories of being held hostage by the convicts and then let go. 

Something familiar here...

So in their eyes (I sincerely doubt this also but...) he is now a suspect of more murders because they can't find the cabin and he has an awful lot of blood on his shoes that can't be accounted for. Now HE is a convict, headed on the same mountain road on a prison bus... and this is where my perfect movie begins to fray. Now with a title (that I didn't know until after) like Chain Reaction I understand a little better but I was just thinking, what? You're going to do what? Ah man...

A crow falls, a rock rolls - scaring a doe which runs into the road, and is hit by a car. She swerves and stops in the street ON A STRAIGHTAWAY. A prison bus (yes, our doctor is on board) without slowing down mows her down and her car, then flips over. Sigh. Yes, we're gonna see this same movie again. Same tune, different words.

I do TOO look like Anthony Hopkins...

Four convicts survive to kill the guards and escape with our doctor. This time we have a bad Hannibal copy who's constantly spouting philosophy and quotes from poets and such, a real intellectual. Sigh. He likes the doctor because one, he's smart and two, he keeps claiming he saw monsters when this guy knows he's lying and probably killed the convicts himself since the leader of THAT team never let eyewitnesses live. So he's a liar in the eyes of the just and the guilty. Nice. He tries to lead them AWAY from where the others first went but the Hannibal copy senses he's lying and straight to the cabin they go. 

As they scope it out, one convict envisions how it will be - rape the girl, kill the men, do something... horrible with the kid. The doctor tells him how it will really be - all of them dying slowly and horribly. They laugh at him for keeping to his lie (he's even had a 'T' cut into his cheek as a warning for treason) and burst on in. The cabin is empty, clean as a whistle and they scope the place out. In a back room tied to the wall they find Alice and let her go. She again warns this particular batch to get out quick. They ignore her. One of the convicts is wounded (ah come on man) and the doc asks Alice to help him as she did before. Our Hannibal copy is getting suspicious that maybe they DO know each other but it's too late - they hear howling and monstrous shadows outside the windows. Wait a minute. The windows were boarded - oh hell, another continuity error. Shoot.

Chain saw? Uh, I brought this with me...

Soon in through the non-existent windows bursts the family in cool gymnastic fashion (Did I mention they were incredibly agile and fast?) and the bloodbath will now begin. Once again Alice takes the doc aside while the others cry and die. I mean they are being blasted and CUT IN HALF and still bounce right back up. Now during the first cycle the doc faintly remembered when he received the fancy crucifix that he wears from a mysterious girl who helped him when his family died in the car wreck. He had given her a toy of his in return. He sees the toy in the cabin and finally gets it through his skull that Alice is that girl - hasn't aged a day. As the carnage winds down (and for crying out loud one finds a GAS CHAINSAW - I started counting down minutes from that point) Alice and the doc flee the cabin once again, running through the woods, this time she has decided to go with him, away from her 'family'.

Then a crow falls dead. Oh God please no. Sure enough, although there is no rock, there's the two of them who run into the same mountain road and cause the wreck of a passing car. Comprehension finally strikes the doctor as he turns around in time to see the prison bus bearing down on him which hits him, the car and crashes. Sigh. He tells Alice he has to go but he'll wait for her. As she sobs over his body, an escaped convict comes up behind her and puts a bullet in the back of her head. Of course you know... that - means - war. She changes and... the movie ends. Phew. I don't know if I could have taken a third turn.

You know, if I had to be logical and not take movies at face value (or pick them apart even when I like them) I'd note that they should take a different route when transporting prisoners - unless it's a nifty way to cut down on inmate expenses, although it's hard on the security guards. Despite its faults (which seem to grow if I keep looking so I'm gonna stop) it was an inventive and different movie with interesting camera shots, great makeup and neato special effects but - next time guys? Show what you want to show ONCE. This is a movie, not a pop song.

All I Need Is The Air That I Breathe...




Well, so far so good - I mean the house is standing, there's air and the big badda boom I heard earlier was just the garbage trucks picking stuff up. So far. Thanks goes to my cousin for the cartoon, I absolutely adored these (still do) and this one is just too, too perfect.

I was thinking gee, if this is it, there's so much I haven't seen and so much I haven't done. Ah, but no energy spent on regrets, I'm thinking of future movies. I have a few of Mario Bava's collection left - one is a sci-fi movie Planet Of The Vampires which sounds... horrid I know but they said it actually inspired a lot of future movies so maybe... I've also been putting off Hercules In The Haunted World which sounds like sci-fi but is actually Hercules travelling about, including going to Hell for some reason or other. Then there's Knives Of The Avenger which kind of sounds like a middle ages period piece and not too bad. The last is his dive into the spaghetti Western with Roy Colt And Winchester Jack. I... think I'll save that one for last. That's all I've found so far, and even if you don't think you've heard of any of them, you just might have. Each one of these movies has alternate titles, some as many as four...

I thought after my Bavafest was over I'd go into a new category. While trying to find some good horror and getting a whole lot of foreign films which mostly seemed to be about students being doomed by curses or ghosts or whatever (the Eastern culture is really scared of this type of thing), I decided to gather a few American college student get-'em-together-and-kill-them-off movies... whew. I thought I'd find a few but I finally had to stop, there was just waaay too many. So the title of my new anthology, so to speak, will be Parents - Keep Your Kids Out Of College Or They'll Die. Or something like that. Depends if I can think of something better. Or the world ends. Either one.

Oh and my cuddle buddy Max is hanging on, thank you for those who have written me about him. He's obviously not going to have much more time, but he's trying, getting a little food and water and I snuggle the dickens out of him at every opportunity. His world probably won't end today either.

My Last Movie For The End Of The World

Le Cinquième Élément 

(The Fifth Element) (1997) France

Why am I ending the world with a movie about, well, the near end of the world made 15 years ago? Because except for a few things, this was a near-perfect movie. You had action, sci-fi, romance, and of course serious butt kicking. Funny thing is, the first time I saw this movie in the theaters I wasn't really into it. I guess I was expecting a straight sci-fi space movie like Star Wars or something - I remember waiting almost half of the movie for it to 'begin' before I realized that this WAS the movie. I also had no idea it was a English speaking French film, directed and based on a story by Luc Besson (who Milla was married to at the time). It was the first time I'd seen Milla, the first time (unfortunately not the last) I'd seen Chris Tucker, the second time I'd seen Gary Oldman (and didn't recognize him at all), and I think the first time Bruce Willis played a character that had a little more dimension than usual. He was actually likable in this one.

This movie is so familiar to most that I won't go into great detail - if you're like me you've seen this movie at least several times, if not regularly. It's a particularly long one (126 minutes) but every bit of it is worth it. We start in 1914 and we find that aliens have been protecting us from destruction for... well, ever. But they do warn that an attempt will be made in the future, so be ready. The rest of the movie takes place in the 23rd century. A cool bit of future look, some reminding me of Blade Runner except a lot brighter, and the fact they could reconstruct a being from a living cell was a neat idea. But I'm picky - if this 'being' is perfect, why does she have orange hair and blonde roots? Is that a 'perfect' color? But Leeloominaï Lekatariba Lamina-Tchaï Ekbat De Sebat, if she's perfect, is what I want to be - strong, agile, smart, and almost indestructible (well, one cell anyway).

And we have Mr. Zorg, our bad dude played very well (and strangely) by Gary Oldman. Super cool, super weird, super great. Just couldn't place what kind of accent he was going for. I loved his line, "Never be ashamed of who you are - you're warriors, be proud." And, "Life comes from destruction, disorder and chaos." Korben Dallas was basically Bruce Willis in every movie, except he seemed to be a bit more human in this one, therefore more likeable. And Miss Ruby Rhod (Chris Tucker) was actually funnier than hell - until I realized that's pretty much the only type of character he plays. Ick.

The cruise ship on Fhloston Paradise (love how the word is so close to 'flotsam') was a neat piece of special effects and the opera house (actually The Royal Opera House, Covent Garden, London) was a lavish set all by itself. The performance by the alien Plavalaguna (another cool in-joke, in Bosnian, Croatian, Slovene, and Serbian it's a two word phrase meaning blue lagoon) was a great job mixing real voice and synthesizer sounds and her character was really over the top. And yes, she was blue. Which made for one continuity error - Korben digs the stones out of her gut, literally - they're covered in blue goo. But when the priest looks them over, they're clean and dry. Must be because they were magic. Oh well, in such a fantastic movie, even I could forgive them for that one. And Leeloo loving Korben? Okay I understood there had to be a romance especially for the ending to work but that was a bit of a stretch.

Phrases from the movie stay with you long past seeing this - it's been 15 years but whenever I see Milla as 'Alice' in the Resident Evil movies I still mutter 'multi-pass' - I just can't help it. I also remember Bruce Willis, when asked if he was human remark 'Negative, I am a meat popsicle'. Oh, and of course big-bada-boom. Just like Shaun Of The Dead, which I find myself quoting constantly, this is a movie with great, memorable lines.

 And that's it for the end of this world, it's been a real privilege pulling movies apart for you. I apologize to those in earlier time zones - your world is already over so you won't be reading this. If by a very, very small chance the world is still here after (what is for me) tomorrow, well then - on with the show.

Taking A Break I Never Should Have Taken




The Curse Of February 29th 
(2006) Korean

Why did I pick this movie as a break from my Bava lovefest? Was it because it was a doom movie and we've got a doom date coming up? Nope. Was it because it was Korean? OH HELL NO. Was it because it was a spooky/psychological drama? Nope. I chose this movie because THERE WAS A TYPO ON THE MOVIE POSTER. That's it. And trust me, I regretted every stinking boring minute. Oh boy, a movie about a tollbooth worker who either experiences the results of an old curse or a boring, paranoid woman getting no sleep and finally going off her nut. Yay. The tag line? Four Horror Tails. There was three things wrong with that tag. It was NOT horror, there were NOT four of them and, yes, TALES is spelled wrong.



Let me break it down nice and quick 'cause that's how I watched it: On February 29th of an unspecified year a prison bus at a tollbooth inexplicably burst into flames. All were rescued except one female murderer - yet her body was never found. Ooooh, I'm shivering now... so the legend goes that every four years on February 29 someone at a tollbooth is murdered. Tell you what folks, if you have to use a tollbooth very often, the excuse to kill one of 'em isn't that hard to find. Except around here of course, they're all great (she said, wanting to be able to use the two nearby). Now we have Ji-yeon (please don't ask me to pronounce that), an impressionable young lady who hears this story and is frightened by it. 

Interesting note (not really, just filling space): In Korea apparently, toll booth workers are required to dress professionally - we're talking like they're freaking executives or something - they even have their own name plates to put on the door while they're working. Gee, and they wonder why it costs so much. So every four years, a car will drive up and hand you a bloody ticket. That means somebody in a tollbooth somewhere behind you has been murdered. Oh my.

Ji-yeon is currently in a mental hospital because she is afraid she will be the next victim. Umm, I thought it was one murder every four years. But then this movie doesn't really stick to rules, or logic, or a story of any kind. Her doctor is letting his nephew, a science writer to do an article on her although it's nothing in his experience or expertise. So we hear her story. She hears Feb. 29 legend, she thinks she sees woman in car give her a bloody ticket, there's a murder, the police don't believe her. Lather, rinse and repeat because this gets drawn out so much... ya know, I'm doing way too long of a review as it is. She's finally institutionalized because everyone around her, including two cops trying to solve the mystery, are dead.

So they take her away. We then hear the REAL story... or is it? It is. She's a damaged person, having a horrible fear of the dark since she was trapped in the sewers for three days when she was five and apparently there are no Ninja Turtles in Korea so she warped. When her booth goes dark for no reason, she snaps and thinks that the burned woman dead/not dead killer is after her and kills her friends and the cops. Actually, she is the one who's done it. Now the writer asks the doc why lie to her and say it's February 29 when it's not? So she'd talk. But watch out - she's gonna get you in four years. Wa. ha. ha.

Which story is real and which is not? If you really, really care, you are really, really bored. I know I was. And waiting for the inevitable twist ending because you can't make a movie without them anymore. Sure enough as the two men leave, the burned dead/not dead killer with the bloody knife is going down the hall to keep her date with Ji-yeon (even though they SAID it's not 2/29, MASSIVE DUH)... Seacrest out.