I'LL STOP THE WORLD AND MELT WITH YOU; YOU'VE SEEN THE DIFFERENCE AND IT'S GETTING BETTER ALL THE TIME

I'll Tell You The Truth, The Whole Truth, And Nothing But You'll Still Like An Airport Carpet Better...

(Note: When I was re-adjusting these reviews to the new format I discovered that this entry's pictures went... somewhere and I've no idea what was there - sorry.) Just so you faithful readers know, I'm not ignoring you, I've been having a blast on my horror page doing different things (my Miss Murder really didn't realize this is not a once-a-week kind of thing) and I do have more than a couple movies on paper, just not on my blog.

Today however I've declared (for myself anyway) to be MST3K day. If you check my Facebook horror page (which has also had its hundredth name change) 'Miss Murder's Dungeon Of Horror' you'll see lots of good stuff plus a long list of MST3K favorites and quizzes on what the movie is, and whether the host was Joel Hodgson or Mike Nelson. 

I've even found someone who put together every MST3K beginning into one ten minute segment (Seeing Joel with shaggy hair was neat!) and lots of horrible movies.

Right now (and the answer to one of the quizzes on my page) I'm enjoying The Incredible Melting Man (1977) which has been cut down for both content and for commercials. I'd advise to see the whole movie - for the 70's the gore is quite good even if the acting is quite horrible.

I was letting the movie run while I was getting more water (laughing and doing riffing myself dries me out) and I said out loud 'I wonder why they haven't done that 80's song 'I Melt With You' by Modern English? I got done, sat down and sure enough they were riffing the song - I beat 'em by about 15 seconds. Yay me!

Anywho, enjoy the page and if you use Facebook, please 'Like' my page. I'm getting kind of insecure, especially since I found out (and this is absolutely, completely, disgustingly true) that the carpet in the Portland PDX has its own page and lots more 'Like's than my page... geez. 

I promise to keep providing more goodies every day and I hope Miss Murder, who for the present I guess is me although (I'll give you a topic) I am neither a Miss nor have I ever been a Murderer (discuss).

Thank all of you for making this a year where I'll see 50,000 readers within a week or two!

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FOUR HORRIBLE MOVIES THAT FEATURE URBAN LEGENDS THAT WERE SO RADICALLY CHANGED THEY SHOULD HAVE JUST COME UP WITH ORIGINAL ONES

The Midnight Horror Collection

I've said it before, but if you want to peruse horror films on the cheap and you're running out of options on the internet streaming services, Amazon has collections of movies that don't cost very much. Now of course it being the holiday season, Amazon has already been 'spanked' (and well they should) because at this time of year they decided to change the amount you need to spend in order to get free shipping from $25 to $35. 

Ten dollars may not seem much of a difference, but if you're just looking for cheap movies it might change your mind on who to purchase movies from. If you can get the shipping cheap enough, you might check out eBay - I've gotten movies there for a buck and low shipping rates - depends on what you're looking for.

So this small collection was supposed to be about Urban Legends. If I wanted really REALLY stupid Urban Legends, I'd read my Facebook page. By the way (Shameless plug ahead!) if you use Facebook at all, please check out my horror page at  https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies  and give it a 'like' pretty pretty please? You'll find updates whenever I put up new movies, movie trivia, quizzes, and assorted horror goodies. Okay, back to business.

I hate YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU!

The Ridge (2006): Our first horrible offering is supposed to be about an UL about 'The Ridge Runner'. Sorry, but every time they said it in the movie I yelled 'Beep beep!' - which is why my husband doesn't like to watch movies with me. The five people in their 20's were so unlikable, that I not only wished them dead fast, but hoped they were in a lot of pain when they died. They yelled and bitched at each other so horribly you can't help but think, 'Why are you even here? Did you CHOOSE to spend a weekend with people you obviously hate?'

If this were even close, this is where the story would end.

So one tells the others the UL story of 'The Ridge Runner' who supposedly killed a bunch of people years ago. The real story is very, very long but I'll condense it for you: In North Central Idaho is the Clearwater National Forest. The Ridgerunner's true name was William Clyde Morland or Moreland who was born October 1, 1900. When he was 21 he spent time in jail for burglary and larceny in different states, different names. He used about four different names by this time. He was a wanderer and homeless. He wound up in Idaho and people reported thefts, vandalism - he apparently just took whatever he wanted. He was becoming a 'mountain man' in that it took very little provisions in the wilderness for him to survive. His MO when he robbed places was the same - he usually trashed the place.

But he gained sympathy from those living in the vicinity - he was just a little guy trying to survive with nothing. They didn't like that he was filthy and always trashed places he stole from, but was he a threat? Nah. During the winter of 1957 Moreland stole more stuff but hurt/killed no one. He was examined by several doctors who reported that Moreland was suffering from malnutrition and was insane and dangerous. He was committed to the mental hospital. He escaped in 1959 but was quickly re-captured. The last anyone saw him was 1961. Wow. Scary (insert heavy sarcasm here).

So the only part the movie got right was that he trashes houses he robs. That's what they find when they arrive. After that, pure pffffft. They die one by one by a big, voiceless guy in black sweats and a hoody who dispatches them verrrrrrry slowly in the dark. The only half-way interesting factoid was the 'Ridge Runner' was played by a film editor. This was his only acting credit and he probably wants to keep it that way. Oh, and for some reason the blonde guy not only survives but kills TRR and then cries. HE CRIES. Wussy.

Sasquoit's (and Mr. Loomis') pride and joy... 

Mr. Halloween (2007): I had absolutely no expectations for this movie - hey, any film slapped together for $6,000 is gonna be... um... not... good. This is supposed to be a small town with one blinking traffic light. The UL here is 'Hit the red, he will come and you'll be dead.' Was this a real UL? Not really. This was a town project done out of love. See, this very budget conscious film actually featured a real man, Bill Loomis, who in Saquoit DOES have a horror house on Halloween. No, he is not an re-animated corpse. No he does not use the real body parts of kids and teenagers as his 'props'. He is a man nice enough to lend his house (and himself) for this movie to make sort of an UL.

This is part of an actual news story on it: A Sauquoit house has been spooking visitors on Halloween night for 27 years - daring visitors to enter at their own risk and experience zombies, witches, skeletons and more. The tradition began many years ago when Bill Loomis was simply decorating his front porch. Over time, that decorating expanded and began to turn his own house into a haunted house.

Now, he has cleaned out his barn to host a complete haunted house - admission is free. Loomis' love of Halloween and his haunted house brought him and friends to turn it into a movie called Mr. Halloween. "It started out, we made a small movie for my Halloween party, and then the next year make a sequel, and then decided to make a full-length movie," Loomis said.

To read the whole article:

http://www.wktv.com/community/halloween/news/Haunted-house-in-Sauquoit-spooking-visitors-for-more-than-27-years-132823413.html

Mr. Loomis preparing some 'live' entertainment (in the movie)...

The fact that not only was this a first-time project, but that the town got together for it brought this way up on the opinion scale. This movie is as good - or as bad - as many others I've seen with a lot more money and a lot less heart. In the movie any kid (it's gotta be a kid or teenager) who breaks the only traffic light in town will die... but apparently only on Halloween. At the same time, rumors abound that Mr. Loomis (he's playing himself, natch) uses real body parts for his props. So a group of kids set out to do the usual Scooby gang stunt of finding out because... umm... what else is there to do in a small town?

Mr. Loomis receives his 'don't be dead' treatment...

Loomis is a reanimated corpse who, when not arranging his little 'house' sits in a chair with strange tubes running in and out of him and generators chugging away, being cared for by the Sheriff. Oookay. Of course, the horror house IS real and the kids get killed one by one for finding out and being kids. And yes, the Sheriff is in on it, taking care of Loomis' reanimated body.

Low, low budget means any special effects (read blood and guts) are gonna be meh, but for the money they did pretty good. Soundtrack sucked, story was pretty stupid - they stretched it out where one boy was imprisoned a WHOLE YEAR just to die when trying to escape the next year with a new prisoner.

And Loomis is a corpse with clear... stuff in him, but when finally splatted by another Scooby gang, he bleeds all over the place. Whoops. Excellent effort for amateurs, way way WAY too long at 112 minutes.


Bloody Mary (2006): Now THIS one I knew but what this movie does to it makes it just about unrecognizable. Besides being just a bad movie, it takes the icky sticky tale of Bloody Mary (which I was going to shorten to BM for this review but I kept snickering) and twists it into some sort of paranormal/psycho thing that doesn't make any sense and doesn't explain itself.

It also features a small role by Cory Monteith who plays a backstabbing boyfriend who likes to paint in the nude. I had a hundred jokes about this but given his untimely death I'll pass. Watching him die onscreen was also pretty unsettling.

So we know what Bloody Mary is. It has its own wiki page for crying out loud. Again, for the long explanation on where it probably started from, the link is: 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloody_Mary_(folklore)



The wiki version of this movie is: The film begins with a group of nurses at a psychiatric hospital daring a fellow nurse, Nicole, to go into the hospital's basement for a game of Bloody Mary. Playing what the others call "The Mirror Game", she releases the vengeful spirit and is snatched away. When Nicole is reported missing, her writer/reporter sister Natalie decides to investigate on her own.

As the film progresses, more people are killed by the spirit of Bloody Mary (Richard Valentine) in gruesome ways while Natalie uncovers clues about the truth behind her sister's disappearance and Mary herself. Near the end, almost all of the main characters are dead except for Natalie, who discovers that Bloody Mary is actually her mother.

Okay stop stop STOP! While I appreciate that they tried to be brief with a bad movie (and snicker that Bloody Mary was a guy) this is really - not it. Mix in with the above some weird stuff about Mary being some kind of spirit you must 'believe in' to, I dunno, not get killed (though many do anyway). Oh and you have to be totally naked in front of the mirror 'cause... umm... 'cause then guys have a reason to watch it.

Also, those that 'serve' her get this disgusting looking skin condition that's never explained and nowhere did I see (and I did pay attention people) that Mary was supposed to be Natalie's mom. That makes absolutely no sense. That would mean Mary was Nicole's mom and so she killed her own daughter but spared the other one? Pffft.

Also the cop helping her is attacked by a doc in gloves and so shoots him. Umm, gun vs. gloves? Is that even... you know what, never mind. There are a hundred Bloody Mary movies or shows out there (even if they call her something else) so... yeah.


Wages Of Sin (2006): We get it, WE GET IT. If you're religious in a horror movie you are also a lunatic, a liar, a murderer, a psychopath and the main plot. Duh. And since the movie has no original thought in it, why should they name it something interesting? Just getting the IMDb (I always check my facts, 'kay?) I found five movies with that name in the first five seconds. Duh again.

This movie had horrible cinematography and the soundtrack wasn't much better. The way they held the camera on things they wanted to make sure we noticed was like getting swatted on the nose with a newspaper. Duh to the third power.

The story isn't any better: Sue, an adopted child, learns that her biological family is all dead and that she has inherited a house. Now it's at this point you need to say 'Sell that sucker - why do you have to go there?' To make a movie. A baaaad movie.

After a store scene where the camera practically knocked a guy in the face so you'd notice that he was walleyed (nice, make fun of a guy's appearance), Sue, her boyfriend and two other victims get to the house which is... not worth the trip. But she wants to 'learn about her past'. Why? There's a reason she was taken and adopted out, leave it alone why don't you.

Nope. The movie slows almost to a stop as we get into soap opera territory. Not kidding. If you've ever watched soap operas (I must admit for a time years ago I was so hooked that when we moved I jumped up and down until the TV was working so I wouldn't miss a day.) you know how the camera work goes: The guy talks, the camera is almost up his nose. The girl talks, cut away to another camera that also is almost up her nose. And on it goes.

Despite the roaring fire and the heat in the house, their breath is clearly visible through most of the movie. So they suffered from cold while making this? Serves 'em right.

The fun (I'm being sarcastic) really steps up a notch when the Ouija board comes out. That's always good for a laugh and a cheap plot device to show how her friends become 'possessed' by... I don't know. The psycho preacher?

The punchline is her father was a psycho preacher (this is not really an UL, there are a billion stories like this), she was a twin, and her mother had the two of them out of wedlock (Gasp!). So apparently along with being a psycho his dingly-dangly didn't work so good? They don't explain this and you don't really care.

The mother and her twin are murdered for their 'sin' and somehow Sue got out, not remembering anything and being adopted out. Uh huh.

Oh and movie-making guys? If you make a horror film and show an abandoned house that somehow still has a working freezer full to the top with meat, we're gonna guess in the first five seconds that it's human. Having the college kids eat it though was fun, thank you.

Oh and the lack of continuity was fun too, thanks. The remaining living kids peel off in their car in pitch dark, only to wind up at the house - in daylight. Frustrated they take off again - in pitch dark and wind up at the house... say it with me... SAY IT... in daylight.

At the end she is the only one out and somehow ends up at a hospital nine months preggers and her doc is... now I really don't have to tell you, do I?

If this WAS an urban legend of some kind and I'm missing the point somehow, let me know - I'll gladly print it. But for now, to me it was just a blanket treatment of every other psycho preacher story that's repeated a thousand times in other horror movies and books.

And fortunately that's all folks and more of my horror worksheets (patent pending) are now in the recycle bin, kind of like this DVD should be...

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A LITTLE OLD, A LITTLE NEW, A LITTLE BORROWED, NOTHING BLUE (SORRY)

Willow (1988)

This movie was made quite a while ago, but it was a good movie and a good starting point. It had its problems like any other movie, and certainly not a horror film in any sense of the word, but I thought it would be a good way for M♦I♦S♦S M♦U♦R♦D♦E♦R to try her hand at this little endeavor of mine. She may review horror, comedies, anything she likes as long as she remembers certain things.

M♦I♦S♦S M♦U♦R♦D♦E♦R: Like what?

Me: Like be respectful of your readers, have no respect for the filmmakers (unless they deserve it), maybe shorten up your moniker...

M♦I♦S♦S M♦U♦R♦D♦E♦R: My what?

Me: Your name sweetheart. How about M♦M?

M♦M: 'Kay.

We also discussed things I didn't want as part of reviews, like giving a 'number' or 'stars' - I mean what does '3 stars out of 5' really mean to anyone anyway?

M♦M: They liked it?

Me: Yeah but why? And what plot points did they really like and how about sound, cinematography and...

M♦M: Wait, we tell them what happened in the movie? What if they haven't seen it?

Me: <Points to name of blog> Unless the movie is brand new (in which case yeah, tell them if there are spoilers), people either have already seen it or don't want to. That's what we do - watch what others don't or wouldn't want to.

M♦M: But don't we want to tell people when a movie is good?

Me: Not unless the filmmakers start writing me checks.

Made long before the now-famous Lord Of The Rings Trilogy, Willow, directed by Ron Howard and made by Lucasfilm was filmed primarily in New Zealand and was kind of a combo of a good-ole'-boy connections and who-was-popular-at-the-moment kind of casting. I'm not sure why they picked Joanne Whalley, she was a British actress and maybe they had seen some of her work. Her first role was a non-speaking part in Pink Floyd - The Wall in 1982. Among the popular was my favorite potato, Val Kilmer...

M♦M: Wait, what?

Me: Read my review on Twixt sweetheart.

<Later>

M♦M: You called the gorgeous guy a potato?

Me: Well, not in this one, in...

M♦M: Could you get into his pants?

Me: What?

M♦M: Could you get into his pants?

Me: Okay, that's not appropriate number one. Number two I'm married and...

M♦M: No, no. IF he GAVE you a PAIR of his pants, could you wear them?

Me: Umm, I'm not answering that one.

M♦M: Didn't think so.

Ahem. This movie combined both those who had worked together before along with some we hadn't seen in a while and some we really never saw at all. In other words - a decent mix. George Lucas picked Warwick Davis as the lead because he really liked the idea of the 'little guy' (pun only, he wasn't making fun of little people) being the big hero...

M♦M: This was Lucas' chance to show that little people could live and be in a society just as well as any other.

Me: That was good kiddo. Why don't you just present the movie and I'll just point out a thing or two along the way.

M♦M: 'Kay. Willow had a rather large cast with people both very well known and some not-so well. With heavy star power and a lush filming location, George Lucas was able to develop the story he started in the 70's but never thought could be done. 

It included Warwick Davis (who played one of the Ewoks in the Star Wars movie), Val Kilmer, whose star power was very big due mostly to Top Gun, the late Billy Barty whose film career had started in the 1920's as well as Gavan O'Herlihy in one of the few roles where he got to be a good guy.

I love New Zealand, I'd live there if I could afford it. Just watching all the wonderful scenic places in the Lord Of The Ring trilogy I knew if there was a place on Earth I could choose to live in, that would be it. The movie begins with an evil queen bent on destroying babies because of a prophecy that one would end up destroying her, kind of like the baby Jesus...

Me: Nooooope.

M♦M: What?

Me: No religious allegories if you can help it.

M♦M: But it was like...

Me: Nooooope. Just say there was a prophecy about a baby with a birthmark ending her reign and call it good.

M♦M: Anyway, the Queen, Bavmorda, is afraid of a little baby and so makes sure every pregnant woman is imprisoned until their babies are born. Wait, how could she cover a whole kingdom...

Me: Good point. She really couldn't - unless she found out through her magic - she did have that.

M♦M: So finally one is born with this birthmark but because she's, I dunno, pretty or something, the midwives sneak her out of the castle and the woman runs and runs and suddenly in five minutes the brand new baby has a ton of curly red hair. Now how could she run with a baby, keep it fed and clothed and stuff and still be on the run that long?

Me: You're getting the hang of this. Another good point - keep going.

M♦M: Finally though they catch up with her so like the baby Moses...

Me: Nooooope. 

M♦M: Finally though they catch up with her and so she makes a floating bunch of sticks and puts the baby on it in a small river before she is killed. The baby floats until it's caught on the edge of the river right by a Nelwyn village where two children find her. They call to their father, Willow (Warwick Davis) but he, recognizing it only as a Daikini baby decides she has to go. 

He's vetoed by his family however, and they take care of her until at a village gathering these nasty looking dogs attack and Willow knows it's because of the baby. He has to show the village council who he's been hiding. They vote that he and a select group of others take her to a crossroads where the Daikini are known to travel and give it to the first one they see. At the crossroads are these huge wooden thingies that keep large cages suspended above the ground. In one of the cages is a guy named Madmartigan and he is gorgeous. Right?

Me: Right.

M♦M: He keeps telling them he's the greatest swordsman there is and he will take care of the baby. But they find out different when an army passes by - there was a reason he was in a cage. Whether it was because he was a traitor or a thief or both is not clearly said but implied. The army goes by, and again Madmartigan tells the Nelwyns that he will care for the baby if they let him out. Since no one is left and they want to go home, they do. On their way back however, they find he has let Brownies steal the child and so off they go to rescue her.

The Brownies lead the Nelwyns to a fairy queen who tells them Willow has been picked to be the guardian of Elora Danan (the red haired baby) who will save the kingdom. Willow gets her magic wand (he's a bit of an amateur wizard himself) and travels with the baby and Madmartigan who had rejoined them to find Fin Raziel and then travel to Tir Asleen...

Me: Are these names starting to annoy you too?

M♦M: Yeah. Anyway, they get to Fin Raziel to find out she's been transformed by Bavmorda into an animal. Willow, being only an amateur cannot transform her. Then they are all caught by Sorsha, daughter of the evil queen. Madmartigan figures out an escape plan but the brownies accidentally hit him in the face with a fairy love dust which makes him fall in love with Sorsha...

Me: And he marries her, has two kids and divorces her about eight years later...

M♦M: Really? Anyway, he makes an embarrassing speech to Sorsha who apparently has never heard a man speak before...

Me: Good one!

M♦M: And they escape. At one point they capture Sorsha too but she escapes. So this chase goes on for a while but the background is so pretty...

Me: Did you notice that at some points it's nice and green and summery (Willow was getting his crops planted when this started) but when they get the baby from Sorsha there's deep snow everywhere that disappears a short time later and it's like summer again? And their outfits kept changing but there were no places where they could have bought (or stolen) the clothes?

M♦M: This IS a fantasy movie. Guess you just have to let it go and let the movie go on. They make it to Tir Asleen only to find it has been conquered by the queen. But Madmartigan finds armor and takes the most shiniest and fights a huge monster that Willow made...

Me: That was pretty stupid.

M♦M: Watching him fight the monster, Sorsha decides that she loves him because he's the only handsome guy left alive at this point...

Me: Zing!

M♦M: And betrays her mother to help them save the baby but it's captured anyway so everybody ends up at the castle and... okay this is how it ends. The queen turns everybody except Willow into pigs. Willow finally gets the hang of being a wizard, makes Raziel human again and she turns everybody back into humans. 

And the big fight in the castle begins as the queen starts the ritual to banish the baby's spirit, whatever that means, and there's magic and fighting and the baby's crying at it's getting annoying. But because this is fantasy good prevails and they save the baby, Madmortigan and Sorsha will raise it to be the new queen I guess. Willow goes home a hero and shows off his new wizard abilities and everybody's happy. So how did I do?

Me: Not bad. You've got good sarcasm, I like that. Yes this was a fantasy but there was much that we had to just take on faith and other things we're just supposed to ignore. But overall, a pretty good movie.

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BLOODBATH: A TWELVE MOVIE COLLECTION OF HORROR - SO THEY SAY. GET YOUR SEATBELTS ON KIDDIES, THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY BUMPY RIDE PART TWELVE - YES KIDS, THE DIRTY DOZEN IS OVER - CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?

Red Riding Hood (2003) Italian

This nightmare mish mash of reality vs. fantasy is about Red Riding Hood in that A: That's the title; B: The girl wears a hood (but it's black); C: Umm, that's about it. Wow. This is a movie about 12 year old Jennifer (Susanna Satta) about which there's a song running in the background telling the whole story in case you're interested. I was not. I could have sworn I'd seen this kid before but this was the only acting credit I could find. Of course she's not a kid now.

She was a child actor in Rome and moved to the States where she ended up in Arizona (?!?). She attended Arizona University and has a BA in Communications and Media Studies. She works for AdMix Social, Social Media Marketing Specialist,  a digital agency focused on Social Media Marketing.

Susanna advertises herself on website Model Mayhem: "My name is Susie and I moved here five years ago from Italy. I consider myself very international, energetic and positive. I love new creative concepts, so if you have any ideas please contact me through this site. I began acting in Rome, when I was very young. When I moved here I decided to focus on modeling and print work. 

I also have a passion for photography so I hope to learn more about being in front and behind the camera. I was born in Sassari. I decided to enroll in the faculty of foreign languages ​​and literatures of Sassari. In college I learned very good German and French. After a stay of five months in Austria I continued my studies... to graduate on December 13 of this year in modern foreign languages ​​and cultures."


I like this kid better than the one who begins this movie with "God forgives, I don't." Sheesh. Her dad is dead, her mom's a slut and her grandmother an actress with no time for her. But since mom's busy with her cougar lifestyle, grannie comes from the States to take her to New York with her. Jennifer doesn't like that. And what Jennifer doesn't like, you hear in the song in the background (Somebody make it stop!) and we get this;


Jennifer has a puppy named George. We never know this is true or not, because we never actually see a dog other than the first picture of the puppy. George grows up to be her only friend, and the one who kills for her. Literally. Oh, and he wears a wolf's head (sort of, looked more like a type of opera mask) and a black cloak. She wears the same. They both wear red boots and gloves. Okay. My horror worksheet (patent pending) is just about done.


Together on the streets of Rome this deadly duo brings justice. Well, actually what they bring is vigilantism but we won't quibble 'cause we want this over quick. Granny yells at her which pisses her off so she drugs granny and ties her to the bed. Granny has an allergy to peanuts so she gives her just enough that she can't yell for help. Then 'George' uses a drill on her knees. Jennifer makes sure Granny has plenty to read, including Misery <small chuckle>.


So what it boils down to is that Jennifer is a traumatized, rich, spoiled deluded murderous brat. Nice. The murders pile up as Jennifer lectures 'George' on just the right way to clean up and make sure there are no clues leading back to them. She falls in love with her tutor but when it is not returned, she plans nasty revenge. What a nice, charming, little piece of work.

This drags on a bit because hey, they've got 92 minutes to fill. Then Jennifer finds out she wasn't as careful as she thought - a 'blind' begger can actually see and what he's seen he's blackmailing her for - in her naive way she figures he wants twenty bucks - he wants twenty THOUSAND - a day. So he's signed his own death warrant because although he thinks he's got her, he hasn't been paying good enough attention. And the tutor has broken into the apartment, found her collection of trophy body parts (Did I forget those?) and calls an ambulance for her grandmother.

So the beggar has been dealt with (she makes sure he's good and blind this time) and gets back to the apartment to use her baseball bat on the tutor - then tells the ambulance that was called for her grandmother that it is for him. He regains consciousness in the ambulance and jumps out to save granny.

This is where a movie that made absolutely no sense goes one steps further and just does a WTF to the audience and makes shit up as it goes along. The tutor has put on 'George's' costume and is trying to persuade Jennifer not to kill her grandmother. As he gets close enough though, she stabs him, telling him George doesn't talk so derr.

Her aim's a bit off though and he takes the knife out to use on her - and she actually pleads with almost-dead granny to help her 'cause she's really a good girl, honest. Pffft. Then we get the 'six months later' jump.

Jennifer is in an institution writing to her grandmother, who has gone back to acting on stage in a wheelchair. As she's writing though, she sees a perpetrator she hadn't managed to have time to dispatch and so sneaks outside (wait, she's in an... never mind) but before she can do anything 'George' shows up on a bicycle and cuts the guy in half. He then rides off. Whaaaaa?

Oh it gets better, and by that I mean worse. She goes back inside and finds the bicycle in the hallway. Bloody water is coming out from under a closed door. Inside she finds a bathtub full of water and George's costume. She puts her head under the water to find him - nothing. But when she stands up again, up pops her zombie father. I know, I know - massive stupidity on a hereto unknown scale in horror movies. He's really messed up but she still loves him anyway, bullet hole and all. Together they sing 'Que Sera Sera'.

No, I'm NOT kidding. Why would I make that up? I have my standards you know. The only thing I can say about this last scene is - it made me scratch out the lower part of my horror worksheet (patent pending).

And patient readers, that is the assortment under Bloodbath, available from Amazon for a little over four bucks new or three and a half bucks used. Now you know why.

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BLOODBATH: A TWELVE MOVIE COLLECTION OF HORROR - SO THEY SAY. GET YOUR SEATBELTS ON KIDDIES, THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY BUMPY RIDE PART ELEVEN

Twisted Sisters (2006) Germany/UK

Quick quiz: What do you get when you have Fiona Horsey, Paul Conway, Eden Ford and Director Wolfgang Buld? Answer: A guarantee that the movie you're about to see is about sexual mutilation and bad acting. I'm not kidding. Angst, The Chambermaid, Twisted Sisters - all had decidedly anti-sexual tones and extreme punishment for those who, uh, indulged in the act. This sorry mess was almost ALL about that. Don't know what Buld's problem is, but I hope he doesn't have a partner.

We get Fiona in a double role as Jennifer/Norah - twin sisters that were raised in two very different ways. Their mother was killed or killed herself, I can't remember which and don't really care, so the kids were put in foster care.

Jennifer got adopted, had great parents with money, got everything she wanted and is married and newly pregnant (Although that doesn't seem to prevent her from getting drunk and smoking - what is this, the 50's?) 

Norah was taken in by relatives (wait, what?) and abused by both aunt and uncle. When her uncle raped her and impregnated her she stabbed him to death. She lost the baby and now can't have another one. She spent her life in an institution and was only recently released.

So Norah is out to get the life Jennifer has. Duh. This is the whole movie folks. They threw in, just for kicks (and because these guys only make gross movies) that Norah is a psychopathic killer who mainly kills men after sex by ripping out their crotch. How you ask? You didn't? Well, when she's not stabbing or cutting certain parts off, she's setting off fireworks in their, uh, lower regions. Nasty.

Two detectives (Conway and Ford) think Jennifer did the killings until her parents come forward and tell them about the twin. Natch they are now looking for Norah which REALLY pisses her off. She finds out by incredible convenient coincidence that Jennifer and her husband went to their vacation home that everyone has everywhere never. 

She goes out there to claim her... I mean her sister's life. She ties her up and puts her in the attic while she boinks the hell out of Jennifer's husband. Jennifer is working herself free when the detectives, figuring finally where Norah might have gone, show up. They see Jennifer with a knife and shoot her.

At the hospital they manage to save Jennifer's life. Her husband takes Norah, who he still thinks is his wife, home. But Norah manages to sneak out later and go back to the hospital. What she didn't figure on was that one of the detectives (Conway) is a major pervert and is turned on by the woman he thinks is such a viscious killer. As she looks on, the detective is feeling Jennifer up and saying he'd have to wait until she's conscious to rape her.

This makes Norah remember how she was treated and in a rage she goes into the room, grabs a scalpel and... well, you know... does her thing. Jennifer wakes up and sees what's happening. Norah, in a fit of conscience (or just because the movie's almost over) tells Jennifer she wanted to be just like her. She then cuts her own throat, dying on top of Jennifer. The end.

Wait - the end? That's it? That was the whole story? And why am I protesting - at least it's over.

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BLOODBATH: A TWELVE MOVIE COLLECTION OF HORROR - SO THEY SAY. GET YOUR SEATBELTS ON KIDDIES, THIS IS GOING TO BE A VERY BUMPY RIDE PART TEN

Shadows Of The Dead (2004)

Kids today have been exposed to sex and violence on TV, movies, commercials and video games just to name a few. I was going to put books and magazines too, but they've probably never held one. Another reason I'll never purposely buy anything with a symbol of a fruit on it. Anywho, here's a nice bedtime story that contains very little violence or blood and is a zombie lullaby to put them to sleep. I know I couldn't write this review after watching it - I desperately needed a nap. No foolin'. So the kid's story would go as follows:


Parent: Once upon a time there was a couple named John and Jennifer...
Kid: Can't I just watch this on my iPad? This is borrrrrring....
Parent: Shush. I've already bribed you to listen so sit still and we'll get this over with.
Kid: (Mumbling) New iOS better be worth it...
Parent: Again, once upon a time there was a couple named John and Jennifer. They are a couple of average, sort of nice young people who bicker but aren't too mean to each other...
Kid: Not like you and dad, huh?
Parent: Let me tell the story or your Wii goes right out the window. As I was saying, they're not so bad, not so great either and this happens to them...


We get off to a very slow start after a couple breaks down in the middle of nowhere and bicker (but not hatefully) as they try to figure out what to do. They see what they think is a dead body, but after a while it disappears. Things seem okay until John takes the dreaded Piss Of Death (horror worksheet, patent pending). It doesn't show him get chomped, but he barely makes it back to the car, slightly bleeding from the neck (Zombie vampire?). Now it begins - I hope 'cause we're 18 minutes in and this is the only action so far (and we didn't even get to see it).

They make it to the cabin as John starts to get worse. First, he grows cold and then can't find his pulse. Sigh. This is going to be one of those 'discovery' movies where every five minutes they find a new 'symptom' and bitch about it until the end of the movie, right? Oh goody, they finally decide to go to the hospital - and how did they do that now? Their car was immobile. Now they're getting around everywhere. Huh.

As he describes the 'rotting' process in a journal he's narrating we have a slightly different genre of zombie appear - the deadly boring kind. He's BBB (patent pending horror worksheet). He narrates in a monotone that if a bite doesn't kill you, he will, just by talking.

He infects his girlfriend and again you don't see any damage - this has got to be the most bloodless zombie movie I have ever seen and that is NOT a compliment. Soon the hunger is driving both crazy so she breaks into a hospital supply room and steals a bunch of drugs (I think I've mentioned before why this could NOT happen). She puts something in a syringe and shoots it into both their necks. Okay the fussy fact checker in me has to tell you this wouldn't do them any good. They have no pulse, no heartbeat. Therefore anything they inject is NOT going to go anywhere - just stay in the neck. Okay, fuss over.

After endless discussions on what they're going to do (What is this, a soap opera?) he finally takes charge and starts to murder to eat. She refuses and gets suspicious of him when he disappears at night. Finally she follows him and watches as he kills a young group of kids.

Kid: Were they my age?
Parent: No, they were the safe-to-kill movie age.
Kid: Okay, can I play my iPod while you...
Parent: NO!

By this time they don't look like any zombies I've seen (must be budget constraints) - what they look like are petrified mummies of some kind. Good makeup job for the money. Again, even as he bludgeons the campers to death there is very little blood, no sound and no obvious wounds. This is practically a Disney movie.

Kid: Nobody takes their top off?
Parent: No and where did you... ooh that man is in so much trouble...
Kid: Dad told me not to tell.
Parent: Uh huh, looks like you're BOTH getting grounded.

Jennifer, after confronting John about the killing and where he got a gun she found, decides to end it. Again, no gore anywhere. He can't bear to part with her and since she's pretty much bones and not much else anyway, he lays her on the bed and keeps writing, knowing his own end is coming soon

Kid: How soon mom?
Parent: This movie was about 90 minutes so just be grateful I'm paring it down for you.
Kid: What does paring...
Parent: I'm reading all right?


He realizes that killing and eating people is just taking away his own humanity and he'll never make it without Jennifer anyway so he decides that death (Re-death?) is the only way to end the horror his non-life has become (He's dying of boredom? Why couldn't he do that 90 minutes ago?). So he tells us how he re-dies.

Kid: Wait, if he's dead how can he tell...
Parent: Shhh, logic only makes this story longer.
Kid: I'll be good.

So one incredibly sunny day when it's pouring outside...

Kid: Umm... never mind.

So one incredibly sunny day when it's pouring outside he decides to get his goo wet and goes out and stands, letting the hose shower him from above as we hear the sounds of sirens. He decides that he wants to unlive after all and tries to hide but for whatever reason these cops are showing up today, they are armed to the teeth. Although he knocks one down, and takes another one hostage, a third is waiting outside with a shotgun...

Kid: But there's only one police car.
Parent: Where did you learn to be such a smartass?
Kid: (Grins up at mom)

A third is waiting outside with a shotgun. As John leads the captive officer out the door, we suddenly get John's POV...

Kid: What's a...
Parent: Enough!

We suddenly get John's POV as he's watching the back of the captive officer's head. There's a 'bang' and the camera takes a dive to the ground. And that's it.


Kid: That's all there is? No blood, no gore, no taffy pulls...
Parent: Taffy?
Kid: That's what dad calls it when they pull the intestines out.
Parent: I'll be having a serious talk with that man, now good night!
Kid: That story was depressing.
Parent: How do you think I feel? I had to watch it!

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