I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

And Now For SOMEONE Completely Different - Tim Forston

I'm having a hell of a lot of fun doing these reviews, even if it means seeing some real stinkers in order to review them. Tim Forston is the main reason I started this blog and was kind enough to help me out in developing it, so I was glad when he said he had a movie that really blew chunks so I asked him to review it for me (okay, that was a little selfish since it means I didn't have to watch it, but don't worry, he's good) and so what follows is his very pointed and accurate review of what apparently is a major horrorshow and not in a good way:


Denizens of The Dead (2007) 

Best blood shot of the movie plus the title.

Okay Shoy asked me to do a review of this movie, I think purely because she likes to see me suffer. The 'movie', which it pains me greatly to call this, was made for YouTube (which is pretty obvious). And apparently there is a series of episodes that come before this epic conclusion. It is documentary style, which never gets old let me tell you. It opens with our 'star' introducing the city of Winnipeg, Manitoba as the 'pinnacle of Western Canadian culture' which I always thought was American culture with some 'ayes' thrown in, but I digress. Before you are really introduced to the so-called star of this film apparently a zombie walked past the cameraman, he must not have looked tasty enough, to very slowly walk towards the hero. Then you see where this film goes horribly awry, and you get a good idea that this is just going to be painful.

Doesn't MD look a little like John Lithgow?

He bashes the zombies head in with a roughly 20lb sledge hammer, which appears to weigh about a pound and a half. Also it bounces whenever he hits something with remotely any force. Did you know that you can bash in a zombie skull hard enough to kill it without having to spill a single drop of blood, or even concaving the skull??? Apparently you can, and this movie tries to drill that into your head with every single kill. I will give them credit they did add the worst CGI blood I have ever seen to the opening credits, and in this movie the fact that they tried at all gives them an A for effort. 

Our star we learn is Richard 'Mighty Dick' Henderson. And we learn it is approximately six months into the zombie apocalypse. Other props that go to this production they do not just ignore origin theories, they actually name a few. And then give the perfect answer, 'Who gives a shit!' And honestly if there are undead all around you trying to eat your brains, would you give a shit? I know I wouldn't, not even in the slightest. Now Mighty Dick is under the impression that no dead man is ever going to eat him, and while going around town with a bullhorn and his rubber mallet... Oh sorry sledge hammer screaming for the undead to come to him so he can bash all their heads in. I can so see how he has lasted 6 months. And apparently he pays a old man a half dozen cans of food to bury the dead with a bulldozer because he is scared of burning down the place. 

MD and his might mallet.

Finally we meet his accomplices Ralph and Stew, average late teen idiots who say things that could insinuate they are gay, and then deny being gay just enough for you to think they must be gay. Before you remember you don’t give a rat's ass. Then you learn of someone named Preacherman who some believe in and some do not. And is apparently insane and what he does, well you don’t really know and honestly don’t care. Dick goes to clean out a former friends apartment and finds plenty of goods, I will leave that to entertain you if you decide to partake of this movie. Ok now we are 15 minutes into a zombie movie, are you expecting a hot scantily clad warrior woman? I was but we all got disappointed she is apparently a warrior woman, and she could be hot but not even close to scantily clad. Between the pig tails and the poncho looking shirt, I am still unsure whether she is Pippi Longstockings, a Hippie or both. Apparently Mighty Dick and Georgina had sex or you could use one of the many euphemisms for sex that MD uses. But it turns out he was lying and all he wants to do is get in her pants and, well, she hates him. She prefers to bloodlessly kill zombies with a big stick. Somehow she struck MD with her stick harder than she ever thought about hitting a zombie but to our misfortune he survives every hit, and there are plenty. 

The dreaded Preacherman.

Then the conversation randomly turns to Indians. Georgiana is politically correct enough to remind MD that they are in fact Native Americans. And thank you MD for pointing out that they would be Native Canadians, that was my first actual laugh of this film. Well apparently someone killed a group of the Native Canadians, and we are once again forced once to wonder if Preacherman is real even though we still don’t care. Now the review will skip towards the end because you don’t even want to know what happens anyway. Whoever wrote this had a good idea, and had it been carried out with a budget of, I don’t know, fifteen, twenty dollars it could have been much better. Now here we are still meeting random characters which you care nothing about. Throughout the movie the plot is pretty much just MD trying to get in Georgina's pants. But, alas, he never does and even with her dying breath she makes sure to tell him she hates him. 

Well this was totally worth watching! Oh, you were wondering what happened to Preacherman? The camera looks him in the face so he can tell you 'it's Jesus time' as it goes off. And if Jesus is merciful that means there will not be a sequel. And if you only want to see the most memorable part of the movie (I'm starting to wish that was all I had seen.) skip right to the credits to hear a pipe organ version of the King of The Hill theme song! Hey don’t blame me I said memorable not good.

Tim, signing off!

I love this review, both because it's funny as hell, and because I didn't have to watch this movie... thank you Tim!