I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Life Is Not A Horror Movie, It Is Just Horror


After a supposedly routine trip for a medical exam, I was basically told I was close to dying. Duh. We begin to die the moment we take our first breath. No, they explained, not halfway through your life span, next to the end.


Okay that was a little dramatic. What they actually did was want a huge battery of tests to confirm that I'm a sick person (double duh) and gave me a huge list of things to make the 'life' I have better. This, of course, means giving up everything that makes this so-called 'life' bearable. You know the drill. No sweets. No dairy products. No soda. Eight glasses of water a day (Do you know ONE single person who can drink that much? Me either.), this medicine, that supplement, this cream, that lotion... basically if I want to extend the 'life' I currently so enjoy (insert heavy sarcasm here) I have to make sure there's nothing left to MAKE me want it extended.


Am I whining? Ehh, maybe a little. Not much though. There was recently a show on how to survive a horror movie. I thought about that for a second - wait, survive a horror MOVIE? That's freaking easy - be the top billed star or sleep with the producer. The rest is a piece of cake (which I can no longer have). Now surviving HORROR, that is another thing altogether, and another reason why no movie can ever scare me. Will I be able to survive a homicidal maniac that cannot die, a zombie apocalypse, a monster or worse according to Sy Fy a monster that's a hybrid of TWO monsters, a vampire, a werewolf, an alien? Who the hell cares? If any of that ever comes to pass, the response is the same in each and every situation: If you can't blow their heads off (or chop or impale on a crossbow) then the game is over. No real horror there. Nothing in movies could ever be as scary as what you see in real life. Give me a pale, sparkly vampire over a gang-banging inner city tough that values no one's life any day.


So now my so-called 'life', pitiful as it was before, is now worse because it may be much shorter than anticipated. Am I supposed to be worried? Scared? Prepare to be disappointed medical world, because there's nothing that can happen to me that will make this 'life' any better or worse than it is right now. 


And that includes any horror movies.