I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?" 




The Bleeding (2009)


I wanted to like this movie, I really, really did. Despite it being about vampires (that do not sparkle) it sounded like a different kind of plot, plus I've always liked Armand Assante, Michael Madsen (I don't know what a DMX is), and who doesn't want to see Kat Von D as a knarly vampire? But, alas, this movie just was... terrible. When a movie is called an action horror movie, I get nervous. Does that mean it moves along really well, or is it just another blow-everything-up kill-everyone-in-sight kind of movie, only with vampires thrown in? It tried. But that still didn't make it very good. It sucked. (Get it? Sigh, sorry, that joke was as funny as this movie was good.). 


I had never heard of this film until it popped up on my DVR list. Apparently it was a limited engagement then straight to DVD kind of movie. For good reason. Shame? Embarrassment? Nah, they shouldn't be that hard on themselves. They just tried too damn hard to make a blockbuster movie and ended up with a movie that just kind of limps along. I'm going to borrow a description that pretty much sums up this movie: Think Blade meets The Fast And The Furious. Except not near as polished, as well done, well acted or enthusiastic. 

The Plot: Shawn Black (Michael Mattias) is an ex-Army Ranger. Both he and his brother served in Afghanistan, his brother killed in battle. While visiting his parents, they are killed in front of him and he is beaten almost to death by... some gang he knows nothing about. And we have no idea why they wouldn't know he was still alive if they were the typical almighty vampires. Awful sloppy bunch to leave survivors. And that's why this movie falls short. For a man who supposedly has lost everything, Shawn is pretty laid back about everything, his expression changes less than Vin Diesel's in any given movie he's in. In fact, wait a minute. Bald head, lots of muscles, one facial expression... does Vin Diesel have a brother? Armand Assante is pushed as a 'star' in this movie, but his total screen time as a cop is less than five minutes. Nice name use, bad, bad little movie makers. Oh yes, speaking of names, Kat Von D is also given top billing (Easier than hell to spot - how many female vampires do you know are covered in tattoos and look scarier than hell without fangs and blood?).

The only bright spot (and enjoyable moments) was when Father Roy (Michael Madsen) was onscreen. Now I've always liked everything Michael's been in - how they got him into this I do not know. But for what it's worth he brought life, humor and interest into an otherwise hum drum low brow monotone type of movie. He played the stereotypical hard line alcoholic Catholic priest who probably would have had all these vampires staked by now if he'd just put down the bottle. My favorite line of his? "When the times comes, you're going to need more firepower than that. It's in the Bible. Someplace." <chuckles> He gets the best lines I think and has more charisma than all the other stars of the movie put together. If you have to see this, I mean have to because doing it as a choice would be a real waste of 82 minutes, see it for his performance. Otherwise, pass.

Back to the movie: After Shawn meets Father Roy, the good priest has to convince him that not only is Cain, King of the vampires his brother, but that prophecy (there's always got to be one made up in theses things) says that the brother of the King is The Slayer, the only one who can kill him. With a sword. A special sword. That, although the King technically became a vampire in Afghanistan (we have absolutely no idea how the hell this happens), the special sword is in the hands of Father Roy. Uh huh. And it just gets better <insert sarcasm>. We now go for the 'action' angle - Shawn, being an ex-Ranger is rough, tough and ready to go. Just not very fast. Or very passionately. I mean, his brother is killed and becomes a vampire, his parents slaughtered in front of him and he almost dies when they blow up the house, and all he can say is 'If Cain is my brother, he's not anymore. He's an animal.' Way to show that angst Shawn. That's the kind of fire we need to see <rolls eyes>.

We do eventually get a pretty cool car/semi/motorcycle chase (hence the TFATF reference) but that's towards the end and we're pretty tired of this thin plot and lackluster performance by now so it kind of dulls down any excitement this scene might have brought to the movie. Want to see the expensive cars and motorcycles get smushed? Watch the trailer, it pretty much shows most of it and you'll get to skip the rest of the... uh... excitement.