I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?"  

I'm only 10 but I can drive a car.

The Dunwich Horror (2009) TV Movie


When a TV movie is a remake of a 1970 movie that's an attempt to copy a story out of an anthology of H.P. Lovecraft published in 1929... you already know that what you're about to see is probably so mucked up that awful is going to be repeated a lot while watching it.


This was actually another movie I wanted to like. It stars Griff Furst (with the permanent smirk on his face you see in everything he acts in), Dean Stockwell (who, funny enough, was the lead in the original 1970 movie and yet wanted to be part of this AGAIN), Jeffrey Combs, which is the main reason I watched this in the first place, and some woman you've never seen I'm sure.


When this story was first published, people were shocked. But then again back then anything weird was shocking I guess. This revolves around the myth of Cthulu which has been visited many, many times by many, many writers. If you think this is a good representation of H.P., don't. It probably isn't even a good representation of the original 1970 movie.

See? No smirk!

Okay let's get through this mess: I could spend the review contrasting and comparing to both the earlier movie and H.P.'s actual work, but you don't want to spend that kind of time with this movie. All right, we open with an inbred woman giving birth to twins (No father, or is there?). One is normal as inbred can be I guess, the other a horrific monster. An exorcism seems to be in order, if one follows movie logic, but of course it is useless. Bring in Dr. Henry Armitage (Dean Stockwell, who actually played the lead role in the original) and his assistant Professor Fay Morgan (Sarah Lieving). They decide that the whole icky sticky situation has to do with an open portal to a world of 'The Old Ones'. Well, that's easy to remember and not a lot of explanation is given, and we're not sorry about that. They have to find the book of the dead, known in the movie world (including movies like Evil Dead and so forth) as the Necronomicon. Problem: Every known copy (why people would want one... never mind) is conveniently missing page 175, the only page that tells how to close the portal (of course). So they go to the great smirker, Professor Walter Rice (Griff Furst in this one, Dean in the original). He of course is a great cynic, former boyfriend of Fay and nonbeliever of all the supernatural nonsense. 

I can do this, but I can't get out of this movie.

The Wheatleys (the inbred family of the monster) are also looking for this page, but to keep the portal open, not close it. The 'normal' one Wilbur (Jeffrey Combs) is only ten years old but looks as if he's in his forties. He also has a wicked underbite. They send him out into the world to find it. His 'brother', called Yog-Sothoth (you look it up, I don't wanna) needs to 'feed' regularly - I'm guessing people and large livestock probably disappear regularly - in order to grow big and strong enough to keep the gate open for 'The Old Ones.' Sigh. Even writing this I'm ashamed that they took what was a brilliant piece of H.P. Lovecraft and turned it into this crap. Even the actors seem a little ashamed of themselves. Or maybe that's just my imagination. So the chase is on - just who the hell has page 175 and can we find it quick so this movie will be over? Will Walter stop smirking long enough to get the job done? Will Fay please get some sort of personality so I stop yawning every time she's on the screen? And geez Dr. Henry, at least pretend you like being in this remake as much as you did in the 1970 version for crying out loud. Wilbur gets excused for being monotone and unenthusiastic, after all, he IS playing an inbred ten year old. There's only so much room to go with that.


We get an extremely silly and prolonged search which includes seeking out some person of mystical prowess, figuring out silly puzzles in order to get the page without dying first, but finally it's done. I guess. Now we get to go to the battle scene.

If we keep staring up, maybe they'll roll the credits.

Basically, I kept thinking of Quantum Leap when this played out - we have an opening portal trying to be closed, we have Dean Stockwell shouting out instructions, and we have people trying to change the future. Hmm. What we don't have is a very logical and comprehensive treatment of what H.P. was trying to get across. We just get a cheap movie made by Sy Fy that ends it quickly to keep it under the time limit. Of course good triumphs over evil, the portal is closed, and briefly Griff stops smirking. And the movie is over. If this review wasn't very satisfying, then I perfectly gave you the feeling I got when I had to watch this thing.