I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?" 

Possessed (1981) France

Who doesn't like Sam Neill? I've enjoyed everything I've seen him in, whether it's the abysmal Damien: The Omen Part Who The Hell Cares, a nice enough if clueless dude in Jurassic Park, the perfect totally sane man driven completely mad in In The Mouth Of Madness. His range is wide, his performances great even if the movies aren't and he's just a totally likable guy. Unless you see this. I almost hated him after this - it was that bad. I mean, we're talking would-you-all-stop-screaming-at-each-other-for-five-minutes kind of movie. Calling it Possessed was dumb, it should have been Three Adults Who Love To Scream, Cry, Go Nuts And Torture Each Other For An Hour And A Half. And it wasn't close captioned, so I couldn't just turn the sound off and get through the damn thing. So let's do this deed quickly.

This is the only expression I've got, get used to it.

Mark (Sam Neill) returns home from an espionage mission, about what and involving what we're never told, and get used to that because absolutely NOTHING is explained, to find that his wife, Anna (Isabelle Adjani, a one-note French actress), wants a divorce. He makes a ton of money but he's always gone and that's the only excuse she tries to use. She won't say the real reason why, but insists it's not because she's found someone else. But duh, this is France. Of COURSE she's found someone else. For over a year. Aaaaand the screaming starts. Both of 'em. Loudly. I think there were curse words in there somewhere but it was such a cacophony of noise that meant nothing that I'm really not sure. The kicker is they have a son, Bob, who is basically invisible in this movie unless they need to make either the mother or father seem 'human' in which case they have a short scene with him. But for the first, oh say almost 50 minutes of the movie, expect a whole lot of noise. A WHOLE lot of noise.

I have no balls but I'VE GOT GOOD VOCAL CORDS!

Mark is a total and complete wimp. Worse, he's a nutzoid (my word) and ends up in some hospital for weeks talking like his jaw was broken. Whoa, I'd leave this guy too. Getting his.. stuff together, he goes home only to find little Bob alone, filthy and in a pile of dirty clothes and rotten food. He's obviously been alone for some time. When Anna returns, he refuses to leave her alone with the child but attempts to make amends. He stays at the apartment to care for Bob but Anna leaves in the middle of the night. I say good riddance, he starts yelling again. Goody. Mark receives a phone call from Anna’s lover, Heinrich (Heinz Bennent), telling him that Anna is with him. He then gets Heinrich’s phone number from Anna’s friend, Margie. The next day, Mark meets Bob’s teacher, Helen (Also played by Isabelle to, I dunno, save money? Or maybe just to piss us off.). She looks exactly like Anna (massive duh) but with brilliant green eyes and where Anna is hysterical (and freaking loud), Helen is calm and kind. Mark pays a visit to Heinrich who swears he didn’t call, telling Mark that Anna needed space; he has not seen her, having been away on a business trip himself. And we know we're watching a French movie - they seem to like to touch each other - a lot. They hold hands for an uncomfortable amount of time while Heinrich tries to calm Mark down. Mark attacks Heinrich, who defends himself and leaves Mark bloodied.

I can't stand you, you're just, just too quiet!

Mark returns home to find Anna who, when confronted, is vague on her whereabouts. He beats her (read open hand slaps that somehow bloody her nose) and she storms out. He follows, apologizing, attempting a reconciliation. She leaves him on the street. On his way back to the flat, he encounters Margie, whose left leg is inexplicably in a cast, and whom he hates for some reason. When she offers to look after Bob. Mark meets with a P.I. who he hires to follow Anna, then returns to the flat where he and Margie embrace in the bedroom. There are no morals to be found anywhere in this movie. I guess they left them out with logical plot progression, common sense, and normal dialogue.

The next day, Mark and Anna have another extreme argument during which she cuts her own neck with an electric knife. Mark tends the wound and then sits, forlornly in the kitchen, cutting his own arm with the knife. She says 'It doesn't hurt, does it?' This isn't really a question. She leaves again – going off to her mysterious place, her neck bandaged. Yes, this is real. They really do this and this is the movie. Wait, you ask, isn't this a horror movie about possession? Ah, there's the rub. THIS MOVIE ISN'T REALLY ABOUT ANYTHING for over an hour anyway until finally...

Following Anna around the city, the P.I. discovers her in a nasty, torn up apartment. The investigator pretends to be a building manager and inspects the apartment. In the bathroom, he finds a creature hanging that he just can't stop staring at. The cheap special effects makes it look like some sort of wet bat-like creature hanging from the ceiling but it isn't clearly shown. Anna kills the P.I. with the end of a broken bottle. Meanwhile, Mark begins a relationship with Helen (Isabelle with green contacts, remember?). Like I said, there are absolutely NO morals in this movie anywhere. When she stays the night, Bob is awakened by nightmares, crying out for his mother. Helen beats cleats since she doesn't want Bob to see her there. Why? Pffft... stop asking questions, we're almost done.

A man named Zimmerman, the lover of the missing P.I. (I guess some of that hand holding does lead to things), approaches Mark telling him his lover never came home. After another uncomfortable long session of hand holding, Mark gives him the address of Anna’s mysterious apartment. When Zimmerman gets there, he finds what looks like a misshapen octopus (okay, that thing did NOT have tentacles before) on the bed, and the body of his lover on the floor. Anna says that the creature is tired, made love to her all night (eww) and isn't 'finished yet'. She then violently beats Zimmerman when he attempts to shoot her, takes his gun and kills him.

Let's see we have vomit, blood, urine, other stuff... yup, I'm disgusting!

Anna, now completely off her nut if she wasn't before, returns to the flat she shares with Mark, says she has to do laundry, and shoves clothes into the refrigerator (small chuckle), empties out the cupboards onto the floor and otherwise might of well have had her head spin around speaking ancient Hebrew or something. She starts babbling nonsense of a Catholic nature (sorry, this is the way these movies go) and tells a protracted story, which we are forced to watch, of a seizure she has in an underground passageway that goes on for like forever (she head-banged more than I did at the Judas Priest concert in the 80's - I can just imagine what kind of headache she had since I couldn't even move my neck for a week)  and finally collapses, oozing blood and fluids from every orifice. That was a special moment (pauses to gag).

She leaves him again (Oh no!) and Mark calls Heinrich, giving him Anna’s address. Aha, Mark is growing a pair and probably knows what's going to happen. At least that's what we can only hope. Heinrich finds the thing, different again now, and Anna then shows off her new hobby: a collection of body parts in her refrigerator. She attacks Heinrich with a knife and he runs. Heinrich telephones Mark and asks to meet him at a bar. First Mark goes to the apartment and discovers the remains of the P.I. and his lover. He destroys the apartment by igniting the gas stove and blowing it up. When Mark arrives at the bar he murders Heinrich in the bathroom, making it look as if he drowned in his own vomit. Oh yes, he's grown something.

This isn't even kinky it's just.... vomit inducing.

Upon returning to the flat, Mark finds Margie outside dead. He brings the body back into the flat where Anna waits. Why? Stop asking questions, it'll only make this worthless movie longer. She cleans him up and makes love to him (Eww!). He schemes to cover up her, uh, misdeeds but she runs off when the kid shows up. Where the hell is Child Services? Mark, who has continued to cover for Anna, finds her at the apartment (not completely blown up apparently) making it with the ever changing, uh, thing. As the creature penetrates her she repeats over and over, 'Almost.' Now we are deep in psycho territory and the movie has FINALLY become interesting. Disassociated events occur I guess to fill time and Mark finally, with police in tow because of... stuff, gets to meet the thing his wife was so obsessed with. It has become him. That makes perfect sense. She hates him, she cheats on him, her lover becomes him. Very Freudian. And stupid. Mark brought a gun with him to shoot the thing, but the police, arriving just in movie-time, fills him and Anna full of holes, yet they live, as is common in movies. So Anna takes Mark's gun and shoots herself and he jumps to his death down the stairwell. The 'new' Mark with the help of a 'new' Margie (don't ask I have no idea) flees.

Later, Helen is at the flat with Bob when the doorbell rings. Bob repeats over and over, 'Don’t open,' but Helen ignores him (Why not? Everyone else in this movie has.). She goes to the door as the sounds of sirens, planes and explosions fill the air. Bob races through the flat, ending in the bathroom where he jumps face down into a bathtub full of water and floats as if dead. We see Helen listen to the chaos outside as the 'new' Mark watches her through a glass door. The last scene is of her face, just as vacant as Anna's (big surprise).

I would say something really witty right now about this sick, sorry piece of film but you know what? Sometimes it's just better to leave things alone.