I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies So Stupid They're Almost Good - No, Wait, They're Still Bad



Human vs. Zombies (2011)


Humans vs. Zombies (also called HvZ for short) is a live-action game played at college campuses where players begin as Humans and try to survive in a story where Zombies have begun to rise from the dead. The ultimate goal of the game is for either all Humans to be turned into Zombies, or for the Humans to survive a set amount of time. Safe zones are established so that players can eat and sleep in safety. The game was created in 2005 at Goucher College by Chris Weed and Brad Sappington, who have since created an official website with general guideline rules and information for other universities to create and customize their own HvZ game. Final rules are determined by each game's moderators and admins. Since the game's creation, Humans vs. Zombies is played at over 1,000 locations, spanning across six continents. Now those colleges that play HvZ take it very seriously, rules are strictly enforced, and safety issues have even been dealt with to satisfy concerns about violence and possible injuries from, ummm, enthusiastic players.


But this isn't it.


Fellow zombie enthusiast Debra Oliveri has found a new series on HvZ that she says so far is quite good called Bite Me (check YouTube).


But this isn't it.


Unfortunately what we have here is a lame movie (calling itself a satirical thriller) adaptation of the wildly popular game that falls right on its face. No secrets here. The zombies win. Period. If you think this is a good way to learn about HvZ, sorry. You get a little bit of what goes on during game play but the players are portrayed as kind of whiny nerds (I'm sorry, I don't see a nerd uprising in case of zombie outbreak).

 On a college campus in Texas a former soldier and current security officer Frank is ridiculed because, while the students play what they figure will only be a game, he is oh-so-ready for the real thing. He wants blood. Any blood. Meanwhile of course there is the customary biological whoopsy that escapes and spreads the zombie virus for real. Players at the college aren't aware of this, until several students are bitten and the contagion spreads throughout campus. Frank is almost overjoyed, not only is he vindicated (in his mind), but he can kill things indiscriminately (or destroy, however you want to perceive it) which in his twisted little mind is what he was made to do. We are supposed to care about a group of five student survivors (one who is actually carrying a ZA survival guide, but I don't think it's Max Brooks' version) and Frank getting off campus and to somewhere safe. But we really don't care. I mean, these are your typical movie version college students: Too old, too boring, too shallow, too picture perfect. Too often seen in every single teen movie made.


So you have the brave one, the nerd, the tough chick, the beauty queen, the misfit and Frank the guard. And you really don't care. Best line of the movie? The misfit, who also is loving the situation of being able to 'kill' indiscriminately comes in with a bloody weapon and a huge smile on his face, saying "I may have missed the rapture but I'm huntin' without a license until Jesus comes." Cute. As close to a laugh as you're going to get.


Supposedly it is discovered that all those poor military men who were exposed to chemicals during (pick your war it really doesn't matter) are now immune to zombie attack, I guess maybe because now they taste bad. So I guess the only ones on earth will be zombies and bitter veterans (HA! Made a pun and didn't even catch it at first!). Goodie.


Want to learn about the real HvZ? Check it out online or, according to Debra, watch Bite Me - you'll save yourself some torture of getting through this turkey.