I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Old Movies Revisited Just For The Fun Of It

John Carpenter's Vampires (1998)

Vampires: Los Muertos (2002)

Before I say anything, I highly suggest the book Vampire$ by John Steakley. I remember getting this paperback and reading it over and over. Warning though - the vampires do NOT sparkle and nobody pouts. Vampires are nasty monsters and the mercenary team hunting them do it for one reason: money. Why not? If you're going to risk getting horribly ripped apart, you might as well get rich from it. When this movie came out I was thrilled because it was supposed to be based on the book. But then they started calling it John Carpenter's Vampires. Sigh. I knew what that meant. I wasn't going to get to see a really good book adaptation, just a John Carpenter movie - which is still pretty good. Mr. Steakley said the movie uses some of his dialogue, none of his plot. In other words, think of it as kind of a Romero remake - they don't pay much attention to his plots either.

Vampires: With that said this is still a pretty good movie. I don't as a rule like James Woods, but he is perfectly cast here as Jack Crow, head of a Vatican-backed group of nasties sent out to kill unholy nasties. So it's okay to be a human nasty but once you die, knock it off or the Vatican will kick your ass. Was that sacrilegious? Ah well. That IS what the movie is about. It's a good thing that vampires are Catholic, otherwise it would probably be our tax dollars paying for this.

Don't worry about these guys, they're gonna die.

Remember when I said only a few movies let you get to know a character for about half the movie then kill them off? Yeah, that doesn't happen here. Jack and his crew wipe out a mess of vampires in New Mexico. Now there's levels of these things, with the top dogs being called Master Vampires. That's who they're really trying to get, but the others get just as dead. Or dead again. Whatever. The mercenaries then celebrate their day of slaughter with women, wine and song. No, actually they get stinking drunk, buy prostitutes and smoke. One of the prostitutes is in a room by herself when a Master Vampire bites her in - uhh- a place not quite so obvious. The Master then kills off the whole mercenary crew (it's okay, you really don't know any of them anyway). Except for Jack. Oh, and his partner Tony (Daniel Baldwin) but you really don't care. Finding a girl left alive (the one bit) they take her with them. The Master Vampire, whose name is Valek (Thomas Ian Griffith, not sparkly in any way) attacks them on the road and to Jack's dismay, knows him by name. That's not supposed to happen. These bloodsuckers aren't supposed to know anything about the mercenaries. As soon as it is light again, Jack is left to do the nasty: He goes back to the motel to finish off (again) his former work mates and the prostitutes, setting the whole motel on fire. Nice. His partner Tony takes the prostitute to a motel (Why not just kill her? Dunno.) and finds that she's been bitten. She is turning, just slowly. She doesn't sparkle either though (sorry, I'll stop mentioning that). She is however developing a telepathic link to the Master who bit her - Valek.

Fresh out of the dirt, not a speck of dust anywhere.

Jack is pissed. He's lost just about his whole crew (in the book they were all good friends, but you don't get that feeling here) and a Master Vampire knows his name. He wants answers. So he goes to one of his 'bosses'. Cardinal Alba plays nice and gives him a new priest to replace the ripped up one, named Father Adam. Jack is still pissed. The Cardinal just points to an old painting which depicts a vampire - the same Master that killed Jack's crew. Valek. He's apparently the Great Daddy of everything vampire. The Ultimate Master. Oh, a funny note: While the 'underlings' hide out in building, caves, whatever, the Masters (there are oh, less than a dozen), when the sun goes down, just appear out of the ground. Okay. Easier than lugging a coffin around everywhere you go I guess. The Cardinal tells him not to hunt anymore until he builds a new crew, but sends Father Adam with him anyway. Jack is not pleased but that's all the answer he's getting so he leaves. The prostitute Katrina (Sheryl Lee) tries to escape and Tony roughs her up a bit. He has a cut on one arm and, since she is 'turning' she bites him. Swearing, he burns the bite with a lighter, thinking that will take care of things. Duh. He STILL doesn't kill her. Sigh. But since Katrina has a 'link' Jack wants to use her to get to Valek. He wants to know why Valek knows him, then he wants to kill him. A lot. James Woods can play a very nasty little bugger when he wants to.

I guess Carpenter felt that Jack needed some backstory so for whatever reason he tells it to the new Priest - I guess just being with one makes you want to confess stuff (sorry). Jack's father became a vampire, killed his mother, came after him and Jack had to kill him. Oh that's too - wait, for some reason I didn't feel sorry for him. Maybe I was getting a little tired of trying to match movie to book. It doesn't work. Anyway, Valek's goal is to find an ancient Black Cross Of Berziers (It's always gotta be a cross, right?) because Valek was once a priest (HA!) who supposedly was possessed by demons. The cross was used in a botched exorcism rite (They need to just stop doing that. I mean really. Just stop.) and 'turned' him into a bloodsucker. Uh huh. So he wants the cross to complete the exorcism (?!?) to make himself a vampire that can walk during the day. Okay, now they've lost me. It's a success if he's STILL a vampire but he can take sunlight? Read the book folks, this movie is kind of entertaining but the book makes a lot more sense.

You just can't trust priests, can you?

Let's just skip to the chase or this will get too long: Tony tries to hide that he too is slowly turning but Jack is a little smarter than the average mercenary. But Tony is his friend. And Tony has fallen in love with Katrina. So Jack lets them live. For now. Bottom line: Big surprise here, it was the Cardinal who betrayed Jack to Valek because the Cardinal wants to become immortal. Nice. So we get the final showdown, including the Cardinal who shows up to, uh, collect his reward I guess. Jack is to be the 'sacrifice' on a cross to complete the ritual (Wait, exorcisms need burning sacrifices of people to work? Isn't that defeating the purpose a little?). The ending is what we expect: the new priest finally makes himself useful, Jack grabs the cross and rams it into Valek who explodes into flames and the Cardinal - he dies in there somehow, can't remember how, don't care. Tony admits he's been bitten twice and is going off with Katrina, now fully turned. Because Jack cares about him he agrees to give him a two day head start. Nice. Have fun kids, kill lots of people I'll just have to kill again. And then you. Like I said, read the book if you want a better story. Watch this if you just like watching vampires getting flamed.

Vampires: Los Muertos: So as with any halfway successful movie (Vampires actually did pretty good) they've got to make as much money as possible off the success by churning out another movie with any old plot they can slam together. That's where you get this movie. I'm not saying it's awful, it had it's moments but if you read the original book and are expecting anything - smart, you're gonna be really disappointed. In this one, the Vatican is not involved in the vampire slaying game, there are just freelancers. One such slayer is Derek Bliss ( John Francis Bongiovi, Jr. - oh, I'm sorry, I mean Jon Bon Jovi). 

Get used to this expression - it's the only one I've got.

 The Van Helsing Group leader (the new financial backers of all 'freelancers') calls Derek and informs him that he has a new job. The person hiring him? They don't know. Uh huh. This time his help is a woman, Zoe, who is 'turning' but fighting her affliction with medication (They can't help my fibromyalgia but they've got good drugs for vampirism. Figures.), Father Rodrigo, and Sancho, who's just a kid. Their goal: A Master named Una (Arly Jover). What do you want to bet she was 'made' by the two James Woods let go in the first movie?  She is seeking the same item as in the first movie too: the Berziers Cross. After meeting up with the three aforementioned characters he asks for more help. He goes down a list of 'freelancers' and is dismayed when the Van Helsing group tells him most are already dead. There are a couple left on the list, so he asks they be sent down to meet him in Mexico. One makes it. Ray Collins is from Memphis so now as complete as it's going to get they go after Una. Una seduces Ray (well he was a LOT of help) and convinces him to leave Zoe's pills where she can get them. When they reach the village where the vampires are hiding out, they are welcomed because they want the vampires killed. Una, now able to walk in daylight with these wonder pills goes out and kidnaps Zoe. She's gotta be quick - the pills are good but not that good. They wear off quick. Ultimately they figure Ray gave her the pills and shoot him. Oh well, we really didn't care. Derek and the gang go after Zoe to rescue her, leaving Father Rodrigo to perform this Berziers Cross ritual thingy. In a small Mexican clinic (cheaper than US clinics no doubt) Zoe's vampire blood is exchanged for human blood. Derek's blood. He figures it's the only way to get to Una and mess her up permanently. 

I. Am. Royally. Screwed.

Una thinks she's getting the real deal complete with the Priest's sacrifice but he's got a little surprise: He's not really a priest, he was faking. That means for some reason the ritual won't work (but Jack wasn't a priest in the first movie and.... oh, never mind). Derek saves Rodrigo, and goes after Una. They almost kill her, but she escapes when the cord which was dragging her into the sunlight snaps. She catches Derek, Derek then grabs what is left of the cord. Before they reach the sunlight, Derek blows her head off and sends it flying into the sun, where it catches fire. Her body turns into stone with a black beating heart in the chest. Derek drives a stake into the heart. All is well. No wait, Zoe and Derek are still technically vampires. Oh, no problem, they drive off into the sunset to Mexico City for some more of that 'miracle' medicine. Oh, and who hired them in the first place? Una. Surprised? Neither was I.

I don't look scary? You should see me without makeup.

You'll be ecstatic to know there was no third attempt to make a movie as good as the book.