I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

And Now... To Our Horror Drenched Minds Let There Culture Be

Theatre Of Blood (1973)

To enjoy this film one needs a few things: First, a working knowledge of Shakespeare (if not don't worry, the movie gives you lots of hints); Second, a love of the works of Vincent Price; and Third, a big shot or two of whiskey certainly won't hurt. This film was pretty good actually - although it would have been 100% better if it had been one half hour shorter. It made its point but just continued on and on... not unlike a Shakespearean play actually if you've ever seen or had to be in one.

Edward Kendall Sheridan Lionheart (that's his whole problem right there, his name was so long it made his performances way too long too - oh yeah, this is Vincent Price), had thought he was the greatest Shakespearean actor of his day, although opening sequences showed him performing in B&W silent performances and this was supposed to be 1972.  After the ceremony, he over-dramatically attempts suicide and is presumed dead. But he survives and recruits the homeless and insane as his new acting 'troupe'. Oh yes, his very young daughter Edwina (Diana Rigg) as well (that would probably be Emma Peel to you, or at least your parents).

Let's see... you're in your sixties, I'm mid twenties so....

He decides to murder each critic in the manner and sequences of the Shakespeare plays he performed - this is where a little knowledge would come in handy, but if you have no idea, the characters do tell you what happens in each one. The first victim is butchered on the Ides of March in a reenactment of the death of Julius Caesar. The next is speared and his corpse dragged behind a horse, the fate of Hector at the hands of Achilles in Troilus and Cressida. The Merchant of Venice is reworked so that Shylock gets a pound of flesh (a critic's heart - with two ounces shaved off because it was too large). 

I'm a critic, I don't have to be talented.

Other murders include: a drowning in wine, based on the murder of the Duke of Clarence in Richard III; the wife of one critic, who was drugged to sleep soundly, awakens next to her husband's decapitated body, as Imogen awoke to find the headless body of Cloten in Cymbeline; quasi-cannibalism — the effeminate Meredith Merridew is tricked into eating his "babies" (his beloved poodles) just as Queen Tamora was fed the flesh of her two sons, baked in a pie, in the climax of Titus Andronicus; one critic is tricked into believing his wife has been unfaithful, driving him to smother her in a jealous rage (i.e. Othello) and spend the rest of his life in prison; the sole female critic (who later becomes Price's wife for real) is electrocuted by hair curlers as Lionheart recites a passage in which Joan of Arc is burnt at the stake.

You've seen my face and hair and want to marry me?
You are insane, aren't you?

A "duel" scene features Lionheart and the chief critic, Peregrine Devlin bouncing around on trampolines while slashing at one another with rapiers, in the manner of the swordfight between Tybalt and Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet. Having the two go at it in full fencing uniforms was perfect to substitute body doubles - if they had picked two that were remotely physically similar. The weight and height differences made this sequence actually pretty funny. Lionheart spares Devlin, who recognizes him and whom he needs to inform the police, as he intends to save Devlin, as head of the Critic's Circle, for last anyway. At long last (like I said, this could have ended 30 minutes at least sooner and been a lot better) Devlin is to 'present' Lionheart with the award he felt he so deserved, which Devlin refuses to do, even though he is faced with having his eyes poked out. As the police had arrested one of Lionheart's 'players' and forced him to tell where he was hiding, they of course show up in the nick of time. In the melee', one of the deranged 'players' takes the trophy Lionheart wished to be presented and kills his daughter with it. 

I accept this award on behalf of my she-male daughter beside me...

In true high theater style (or copying King Kong, depending how you want to look at it) Lionheart sets the place on fire and climbs the building with his daughter over his shoulder (oh body doubles are sooo useful) and gives one final exaggerated speech before falling with his daughter into the flames and ruins. To this, Devlin comments 'Yes it was a remarkable performance, but he was madly overacting as usual, but you must admit he did know how to make an exit.' Maybe but to me it proved Lionheart's point - critics can be assholes. I guess that includes me.