The Unholy (1988)
You know, I really should have quit while I was ahead today, but I wasn't feeling well, my kitty didn't want off my lap, so I delved into just one more movie for the day. And sorry to inform you ahead of time it's yet another one of those Catholic treatments that make you scratch your head and wonder where they get all of that... okay let's just get this over with. I mean, even Wiki had ONE sentence to describe this film, I unfortunately have a couple more than that. We have some good actors, it should have been much better than this.
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| A priest? Hell, I'm Superman! |
Father Michael (Ben Cross) is one of those street cop type of priests - he seems to be sent around wherever there's trouble and has no church of his own. He gets a couple of strange people telling him 'She's looking for you' but ignores it because, well, that's what priests do. Ignore stuff. Don't they? Anyway, he's been specifically asked to bring down a potential jumper who asked for him by name, though he's never met him. After a protracted scene that we are already starting to tire of, he offers the man on the ledge a cigarette. The man goes to take it, but instead he grabs the priest and throws him out the window. He plunges 17 stories - and survives without a scratch. We get scenes with church leaders wondering if he's the 'chosen one'. Uh, duh, 17 stories without a scratch? Something's up. A blind priest says yup, use him.
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| I'm the Devil, no wait I'm a Demon, no wait... |
Father Michael is thrilled to find out that, besides being alive, he gets his own parrish, even though he was told it would be years before that happened. I guess he went straight from a street cop to a detective. Then he finds that he is the third priest for St. Agnes - the last two having died exactly a year apart. And the last was - geez, almost a year ago. No one knows who did it or why. Satan? Oh no, there's no such thing, Father Michael asserts. "I believe in evil - the thing that makes us sin." Oh yes? Oh well, the Bible is just a suggestion I guess - no use following it or anything. Sheesh. Whoops, my logic is showing again, sorry.
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| They said it was either this or I stay to the end of the movie. |
The movie becomes impossibly hard to describe and still retain interest. There's fallen women, a faux demonic club (It pays well but who really believes it?), nightmares and flashes of sexual and violent images for... some reason, I dunno. So okay, Michael is the chosen one... the Devil he chooses not to believe in is posing (in this movie anyway) as a beautiful woman, to seduce him and slaughter him as an offering to Satan. Wait - the Devil is sacrificing to Satan? Oh, much later it's explained it's the powerful DEMON Desiderius (I wish they'd keep their stories straight) who, on the night God is dead comes in earthly form. Okay wait, what? God is dead one night a year? Geez, no wonder people... okay okay logic out the window, this is how it ends:
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| C'mon, I've seen you do much worse... |
Smoke, mirrors, bad special effects, more evil Oompa Loompas (see The Rage) and the beautiful woman becomes a nasty four legged - something with dragging tits (not attractive). It starts to consume him and we see him 'falling' into hell with more sexual and violent footage thrown in for giggles I guess.
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| Whoa, this Cross has batteries? |
But when it goes after someone else, he grows a pair and calls upon his faith (I guess) and boom goes the dynamite and the monster is who falls into hell. I'm not even going to try to make that any clearer, it's so screwed up already... oh and Father Michael is now blind. Now we know why the blind higher up knew he was the chosen one. I guess. All I know for sure is this piece of garbage is over and I'm so tired I can barely see what I've typed. Maybe I'M the chosen one. Lucky, lucky me.
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