I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies You Only Watch Because Of Who's In Them



Boogeyman (2012) SyFy Original

Just how many treatments of the boogeyman has been done in movies anyway? That's rhetorical by the way, I don't really want to know. I do know that a movie with this exact title, made from a 1973 Stephen King short story has just been released so... The only reason I went for this SyFy original was because it starred Eddie McClintock of Warehouse 13 fame and Emma Sams, former star of the soap opera General Hospital (she was Holly, married to the suave superman of soap opera Scorpio), which during the Frisco/Felicia drama I did not miss a single episode. I remember we moved and the first priority was get the TV up and running so I wouldn't miss a single episode. Anywho, other than that I would definitely pass. Whenever a movie starts with a scripture, expect crap. That's one of my general horror movie rules. I need to write all them down and see if you guys have any others to add.

So here's your story and it has nothing to do with boogeymen, what a surprise. The scripture cited is when Cain answers God about Abel 'Am I my brother's keeper?' Apparently according to this movie the answer was yes. Old man Skinner (real movie name Samuel Peters) is feared as one of those crabby old men whose house you don't go near... so of course all these teenage boys pick that precise spot to play football. We have the regular douchebags, plus brothers Jacob and Joshua (Geez can we get off the bible references please?). Jacob, being younger and smaller is also the one taking the most abuse from the others. One boy takes his cell phone and makes the impressive (read only happens in movies) feat of throwing Jacob's cell phone through the attic window of the house. So being movie-dumb Jacob sneaks into the house to get it. It's a scene right out of Hoarders - but with a much worse smell. He goes upstairs and finds the attic chained up and locked but again being movie-stupid he unchains and unlocks the door but here comes old man Skinner so he books out of there, sans phone. Skinner, realizing what the boy has done, has a fatal heart attack. The boys all panic and run away. Nice. No CPR for this guy.

"Party on Garth? Really? And how much am I being paid?"

Enter Mike the cop (Eddie McClintock) with his partner Rebecca. Surprise surprise, Mike is the father of Joshua and Jacob. They get the call about the death of the old man (Who called it in? He was way out there...). Rebecca starts acting strangely, getting worse when they get there and see the dead man. Inside the house, she sees a picture on the wall and sneaks it off, putting the picture in her coat. I guessed right away why - but I guess they want you to ponder it. Don't. She was the old man's daughter. He abandoned her and her mother for an unknown reason. So we wait for Mike to discover through public records why she's acting that way. Sigh. Even Emma Sams, who didn't age quite that badly but seemed to have lost her English accent, who played the 'Chief of Police' couldn't make this any more interesting. This is going to be a long movie. 

"See? I was English in the 80's but I gave that up."

You know what? No it's not. Their premise is that Cain (yes, THAT Cain) was 'cursed' by God and given a 'mark' so everyone would stay away from him (only half right). So the old man carries the 'mark of Cain' because he was Cain's keeper (wait, Cain was supposed to have.... ah, skip it). He kept him locked up, fed him, and made sure he didn't kill anyone else because apparently that's all Cain wants to do - kill and eat. He looks like a golem or ghoul more than a man, but when you're thousands of years old I guess the looks don't improve with time. So now free, Cain is killing everyone (starting with the douchebag kids) and he's in the market for a new 'brother.' Oh brother. Thinner than hell premise that they still manage to stretch out way too long. He's human but also superhuman - he's shot with a huge amount of ammo but doesn't care - unless the bullets have copper jackets. Copper hurts him. Why you say? Why the hell ask me - if the movie doesn't explain itself, I certainly don't have a clue. Sorry about that. We're tortured by chases and near-misses but coming to the end, somebody has to take Cain's 'mark' to stop his rampage. When he kidnaps Jacob (massive duh) Joshua knows what he has to do. He takes the mark (it's a brand that looked bloody painful). But before Cain can 'claim' him Rebecca, now knowing her father's history (How was he chosen? Shhh or this movie will instantly get at least 15 minutes longer.) and why he had to abandon them, also puts the 'mark' on her saying (massively lame) 'It's time Cain had a sister.' The boring and predictable end.

"A hot poker? Okay, but I'm not walking him to school."

Eddie plays a lovable if goofy special agent on Warehouse 13, so to stretch his range he plays a lovable if goofy cop. It wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't have given him such awful dialogue to say - at least a decade or more out of date. They include: "Party on Garth.", "Word.", and "Oh frak!". Oh that was painful to watch. And you don't have to.