Rise Of The Dead (2007)Is this a Romero rip off? Well I really dunno, it was sooo crappy, I don't think Romero even has to worry about any kind of infringement on his zombie franchise with this one. I mean there wasn't a single damn zombie in it, despite the title. Oh, that title. It made me so mad because it had absolutely nothing to do with anything. Nothing 'rose' nothing was 'undead' and the story sucked so bad that even on regular television it was still only an hour and a half, WITH commercials.
This is the 'official' synopsis: Nothing much happens in the small town of Dudley, Ohio. But that all changes when Lara Childs (Erin Wilk) becomes the target of the undead. This is my official synopsis: Nothing ever happens in this crappy Ohio town but for some reason suddenly a boring waitress named Lara is the target of crazy people because she gave her child up for adoption and it wants revenge.
Now does that have ANYTHING to do with zombies? No it does not. Does that have anything to do with what makes a decent movie? No it does not. This stunk so bad, even though it was short, it should have been much, much shorter. And my notes don't even cover half a page because, well, just as the synopsis could be put in one sentence (even if it was wrong), the whole movie just doesn't have anything to report.
This massive pile of DUH happens because when Lara was 16 she got knocked up by a local idiot, gave the child up. That child was fostered by Christian whackos, the man being a 'minister' of his own church (he says, and I shit you not, "The evil will backwash on the entire world." Ewww....). They are so nuts that the kid is taken away and the properly 'Christian' woman puts a 'curse' on him. Oh that is so Godly it makes me want to puke. And so it starts. The second family is worse - the man didn't even want it, the woman is tired of him already. During their nightly row he puts a pistol on the coffee table in reach of the now-toddler boy and... well duh.
So anybody near Lara now goes apeshit and kills - well not at first, because the first was the former mother of the doomed kid killing the idiot husband. But after that, they generally try to kill her. But nobody is dead (except the aforementioned idiot), and they return to 'normal' after being caught and another goes whacko somewhere else. Apparently there can only be one at a time I guess. Massive, massive duh quotient. It is almost unbearable. Even Lara's new boyfriend looks like they pulled him off the street, told his to stop doing drugs for a couple of weeks, and try to look concerned. He doesn't.
We have a couple of moments of decent gore, but not near good enough to justify this horrible, horrible movie. As Lara is about to be killed by her now-possessed (I guess) boyfriend, she has an idea - she calls him by the baby boy's name and tells him mommy wants him back. She then goes to the now-unconscious boyfriend and... oh man do I have to type this, it makes me <gulp>... nauseous. Let's just say the boy is put back in her body. You figure it out. The final scene is her happily very pregnant and the boyfriend very miserably smoking on the porch obviously planning his own suicide. Great story. Not. The only slightly funny part of the movie? It was made by the Crook brothers. Very fitting.
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