I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Shoy's Saturday Craptacular Extravaganza Marathon









Inferno (1980)

Let's make this short and painless. Most of this film I watched in double fast-forward and I missed nothing. That's because there's nothing to this film at all. Instead of a tale of a wicked stepmother, this is a tale of THREE wicked stepmothers, all in their own evil houses, one in Rome, one in New York, and one in Russia. That's basically it. The only REALLY scary thing is this movie was one of three (the first was Suspiria, which actually wasn't half bad) and was to be followed with the last called The Mother Of Tears which didn't actually come out until 2007 (and don't bother with that one please). Oh, the scariest part of all? In 2005, the magazine Total Film named Inferno one of the 50 greatest horror films of all time. Obviously the writers of that magazine are all either insane or total idiots. This stunk so bad even the actors looked embarrassed to be in it.

So we have around 90 minutes of people acting like idiots and getting themselves killed, a woman living in the NY building who writes her brother for help and he goes like a moron. He's not even a priest or anything, he studies music. We have these supposed wicked women who are responsible for everything bad in the world (the only thing they're guilty of is these movies) and everyone who picks up the book called The Three Mothers manages to die shortly after. I think that book needs to be pulled off the shelves.

I'm not even going to go into the protracted and boring movie progression of how the brother (with blonde blow dried hair and a porno star mustache) stumbles his way around. His sister has been dead long before he even gets there, so he's basically killing time, and getting people killed. He finally confronts the woman responsible as the building is burning (don't ask, you don't really want to know and it's not important) and she turns around to reveal she... is death. 

Oh really? I thought she was one of three evil women who... you know what? Never mind. Just be glad the movie's over although the guy does escape, undeservedly. I remember Suspiria and although it was a bit slow, it was NOTHING like this garbage. Calling it among the 'greatest' horror films would be like calling North Korea 'just a little obsessive'.