I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Shoy's Saturday Craptacular Extravaganza Marathon 


The Fearless Vampire Killers aka 
Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are In My Neck aka
Dance Of The Vampires (1967)


Oh how I wanted to rest my freaking eyes... a whole crapload of bad movies not only put me in a nasty mood, but I felt sick, tired, depressed, and just wanted to stop. But I've been saving this movie for a while and it came in just the nick of time.


Now I think I've seen a Roman Polanski movie or two, but I've never actually seen him IN one... until now. I was thoroughly entertained by this total fluff and nonsense of a movie. If you're expecting seriousness, logic, reasonable storylines or even great acting, you need a different movie. If you just want to sit back, turn off your brain and have a good laugh or two, turn this one on.


From the beginning I was laughing because it was obvious this was going to be played for high camp type comedy. They were one person short of a Three Stooges movie. In Transylvania we have Prof. Abronsius (a guy looking like a deranged Albert Einstein) and his 'brilliant' assistant Alfred (Roman Polanski) who is constantly referred to in the movie as 'the little guy' (a self-deprecating reference to his height - he's 5' 5" but seems shorter). They arrive with a lot of slapstick humor about being frozen (it's the middle of winter) at an inn where there is probably a couple thousand dollars worth of garlic strung around the place - not to mention crosses everywhere. Which is particularly funny since the owner's name is Yoyneh (That is the close-captioned spelling - wiki says it's Yoine) Shagal - and that gets even funnier later. The Prof. and his, ahem, assistant are in hot pursuit of vampires, and what better place to find them than in Transylvania, right? The Prof. does most of the talking, in fact for the first ten minutes I wondered if Albert was supposed to be mute. His dialogue is very limited, but he sure is funny.


At the inn the daughter of the owners (future wife Sharon Tate in brilliant red hair) Sarah catches Alfred's eye right away and he's smitten. But a vampire thinks she's pretty hot too (she loves to take baths, which apparently is a habit none of the other townspeople share) and while in the tub she is kidnapped. The father goes after her, only to be found frozen stiff, bloodless with many bites. The Prof. tries to get his rather rotund wife to 'stake' him but she refuses. So as soon as the sun goes down (and he thaws out) he takes off - but not before going to the bedroom of a buxom blonde maid he's been lusting after. And here's where I totally lost it (not hard after the day I've had). She holds up a cross to ward him off. In a great Yiddish accent he says 'Boy, do YOU have the wrong vampire!'  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA... At last, after all my bitching we actually have ourselves a Jewish vampire. Whaddya know about that? And it's 1967 and no one has thought to try that since? I think I almost wet myself after that one. Needless to say, he leaves her 'drained'.


So our fearless Vampire Killers (funny title for a couple of guys who, during the whole movie, kill absolutely NO ONE but maybe that's part of the fun) go after the head vampire, Count Von Krolock. They meet him at his castle, as well as his 'delicate' son Herbert (I think that's the 60's way of telling you he's gay) who immediately falls for Alfred. The Count has apparently fallen for Sarah and plans to make her his own, but the Prof. reassures her and Alfred that with transfusions and rest, she will be 'just fine'. Uh huh. That's okay, I'm still laughing. Who'd have thought that Roman could do physical comedy like that? In one scene, he's trying to escape the 'attentions' of Herbert, running away from him around a square walkway, while Herbert waits patiently for him to make the entire run around just to meet up with him again. They were just one 'Nyuk' away from being sued I think.


Just a quick note: Alfred, wanting badly to win Sarah's heart, has a 'pocket edition' of a book called 'A Huntred Goodlie Ways Of Avowing One's Sweet Love To A Comlie Lass'. The only good this book does is stop Herbert from biting him when he stuffs the book in his mouth.


For whatever reason (I don't know if this was a religious statement or just another funny) Shagal takes his coffin down to the crypt to sleep with the Count and his son, and is promptly booted out by the token hunchback Koukol (complete with shag hair and Billy Bob teeth)  - and dragged clear out to the barn, despite his protests that he's not taking up room and 'people can just walk around me'. Funny!

So the picture culminates in a Vampire Ball - if they had Sweet singing 'Ballroom Blitz' to this it would have been perfect, but they're being old-fashioned so we have the formal 1800's type ball. Apparently they have it once a year, hibernating all year and feeding on this one night. But the Prof. and Alfred attend the ball in disguise (bonking a couple of vamps over the head with statues) and attempt to get Sarah out of there. Escaping by horse carriage, Alfred realizes Sarah has no pulse and while he tries to tell the Prof., she wakes and bites him. So now they are doing the very thing the Count was planning to do - spreading vampirism to the world. And this funny, funny film concludes my Saturday of torture. If you can find this one, I highly suggest checking it out.