I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies That Rip Off Just About Everything

Episode 50 (2011)

If I began this with 'Stop me if you've heard this...' there would be no review because I'll bet not a single person hasn't seen this type of garbage in one form or another. I mean geez, can't they come up with something even remotely original - or are movie watchers so used to repetition that this kind of crap is watched over and over without complaint? If there was such a thing as movie legislation, I would propose the termination of all found footage, hand held cameras in the dark, ghost-busting reality shows that are popping up like noxious weeds. I just reviewed Grave Encounters (2011) 9/14/12 which is pretty much the exact same formula they followed for this one. For ALL of them, to be honest. They can call it whatever they want, it's all the same thing - fake and predictable 'boo' moments with a lot of shaky movement that gives the viewer a wicked headache. If I remember right, Grave Encounters was about their sixth episode where all went to hell (pun intended) - well this movie had to one-up them - this was supposed to be their season finale episode 50 but all goes to hell (again pun intended). Wow, I'm impressed. Or just really, really bored. Yeah, it's bored.

They try to be ominous but we're so jaded about this reality crap it's not even a good start. They describe four types of 'haunting': residual, intelligent, poltergeist, inhuman. Okay if it's inhuman it's not a haunting, is it? Demonic presences have nothing to do with your 'what's that shadow?' type of stuff. So grade them an 'F' on that. They then describe that yes, this is found footage and it was supposed to air but... nobody knows what happened - until now. Is the hair standing up on your arms? No? Yeah, I'm reaching for a shot of whiskey myself, preparing to be bored out of my ever-loving mind. This movie does not disappoint.

Ahhh... there's something warm running down my leg!

We have two teams investigating the WV Insane Asylum (just once I'd like to see them investigate a library, a town hall, a fire department, anything) at the request of a dying millionaire who wants proof of whether there is an afterlife or not. See, he's been a very, VERY bad boy and now is afraid of Hell. Isn't that what deathbed confessions and last rites and all that other religious garbage for? Anywho, he needs proof. But he's covering all his bets. He's sending both a debunking team, and a team of 'believers' to see, I guess, which one wins. We've already seen episode 49 where the 'Paranormal Inspectors' crew debunked a haunted house (after the husband accidentally clocked his wife with a hammer - that was kind of funny but I'm twisted that way) by showing them they had rats, leaking gas (which causes hallucinations) and bad wiring (the humming sound they kept hearing). So they believe that, at most, presences are energies left behind by the living, not ghosts. Already done dudes, The Legend Of Hell House did that much better and that was in the 70's.

I'm sorry rats and my crappy carpentry made me hit you.

But I digress. Joining this team (against their wishes) is the ASSC, Academy Spirit Searching Club. They believe God wants them to find and help people with ghosts, demons, whatever. Uh, I don't remember seeing in the Bible 'Thou shalt form a group of douchebags and practice spiritism, even though I expressly commanded you not to'. Digressing again, sorry. You can pretty much write the rest of the movie yourself, after all, in some form or another you've already seen it.

If nothing's real, I'm getting paid for nothing. Sweet!

The asylum had multiple killings, was shut down, people breaking into the building were found dead, blah blah blah. The 'energies' are everywhere, and of course, it's not just one building but dozens connected by (say it with me now) tunnels. Not an original thought in this damn thing. So they investigate, skip ahead, cameras catch the blips of supposed ghosts which no one seems to see, skip ahead, the religious nuts use prayer and seances (oops, spiritism again, naughty naughty), skip ahead, one girl is 'attacked' but she determines that whatever it was it was trying to warn her, skip ahead, things slam shut, shadows move, voices whisper and cry and laugh, skip ahead, the lead religious nut forces his spiritual medium (also his girlfriend) to 'channel' what's there and she says ghosts and demons. YAWN. Sorry about that. The demon's name is Legion. Ah come on, that just means many, everybody knows that by now. Call it, I don't know, Paul or something.

Damn my neck hurts.

Things speed up a little when, during another seance the medium is attacked by Paul - oh sorry, Legion, and her neck is broken. Now the religious guy goes on full psychotic alert, saying it's all his fault, he's opened a portal to hell and now he's gotta close it. Sigh. Then they pull a small twist, their only attempt at originality: They figure the evil dude fresh out of prison and commited to the hospital, who is in cahoots with Legion has his portal with the help of the last Warden (since the WV Pen is not longer used for that either) in the bowels of the former prison. So he takes off and so does the two dudes from the PI team. Slight backstory: when the two PI guys were kids, they experienced weird stuff in an old house one of them moved into, and the main dude's hand was badly burned rescuing his sister when 'something evil' set fire to the house, which is why they debunk stuff. YAWN. Whoa, better not get that second shot of whiskey.

Angry Birds rocks on this thing!

So the end is also predictable since they've already told you it's found footage: Something attacks the PI assistant, they see the portal complete with pentagram and demon (I shit you not it was the whole enchilada - evil symbol, fire, demon with horns and a tail). The religious nut gets stabbed in the gut and gives his cross to the remaining PI guy - who attempts a feeble 'exorcism' and we next see him (and presumably also the cameraman) dead on the floor.

God sent me to get these people killed. Thanks God.

The end scene is the rich guy watching the footage they 'found'. He asks his cronies to leave, then weeps bitterly, knowing he's totally screwed. Thankfully, it ends. Was any of this surprising or scary to you? HEY YOU SLEEP ON YOUR OWN TIME! Sorry about that, I really can't blame you. I think I'm gonna take a nap.