I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

My Last Horrific Experience With Amazon Movies




Frankenstein (2007) A Film By Creep Creepersin

I just want to point out that Amazon is a great company - I get things from them all the time, like being able to order different products from different companies and get them all through the same place, and they've been nothing but reliable. However, their entry into the movie streaming business leaves a whole lot to be desired. Their streams are uneven - you get from poor to excellent back to poor quality for no discernible reason, they don't offer close captioning (which for people like me who have problems understanding dialogue, especially when it's from a foreign film is vital) and their movie choices - well, they're just awful. If you want a prime movie like The Cabin In The Woods or some other new one to come out that you don't want the DVD to, it might be fine but for other choices - blech. Most of their horror section is unrated - that usually means the movie didn't even make it to the theaters, much less to anyplace you've ever heard. Like this last abortion I only watched because it was only 54 minutes long and it was my last gasp at trying their 'service'.

Creep Creepersin. Try to find his real name - I couldn't. I do know he's a California native, lived in Oregon for a while then moved back to California. He also goes by the name Skrotar The Conqueror. So if you get the picture, this 34-year-old really thinks he's something. Well, he's been busy anyway. Two bands, lots of movies and shorts (some of which I can't even put the names on here, they're just that disgusting) and he doesn't appear to be slowing down anytime soon. Too bad.

Frankenstein is a movie that was labeled 'Some men make monsters, Victor just wanted a friend.' Just the title, that statement and the fact this is written, directed, produced and financed by Creepersin, with original music by 'Mrs. Creepy' told me to keep my expectations low. Good choice. You see he tries some creative, umm, choices in the way he makes this film but in the end you don't know whether to feel bad for the character or just relieved that the damn thing is over.

Victor is a 40ish man obviously with mental handicaps. His only friend is a rat, Frankenstein. His only entertainment (he doesn't seem to leave the house): Old and classic horror films like Dracula, Frankenstein, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Nosferatu, all movies I would much rather have been watching but this. Saturated with all this fantasy and being painfully alone (and unable to cope being around people) he decides that he needs a friend - besides his rat, who is now seemingly talking in his head. Oh boy. The only person he interacts with is an unnamed female who, whenever he converses with her, her dialogue plays backward - okay that got irritating after a few seconds and it drags on forever. We discover, although we really didn't want to know, that he was molested by his father all his life (probably the basis of a lot of his problems) and he is visited by the spectre of his mother who hates his guts. That, plus the voices in his head, pretty much finish off whatever normalcy he might have had.

We next see that he has his friend - a dead friend. A girl in her underwear, a nasty head wound bleeding down her face. He's determined to 'fix her up' just like in the movies and the 'three' of them can be friends (The rat, remember?). His version of 'fixing' her is taking a black marker and drawing 'stitches' on various parts of her body. Yes, I know how stupid this sounds, imagine having to watch it. She is beginning to smell, but he doesn't have air freshener so.... stink on. Finally she 'rises'. No, it didn't work - except in his head. This was Creepersin's only other rather interesting effect - whenever you saw her 'move' or 'speak' it was in the one-color film mode of the silent pictures. There's no sound, we just see 'title cards' for her dialogue. He decides to call her Mary and feeds her breakfast - in his head. Poor Victor - even in his head he can't make a friend. 'Mary' is a foul mouthed horrible girl who only confirms that Victor is nothing but a loser. My favorite line? She says (by title card), 'And what about these stitches? What are you, like nine?'

Eventually the noises in his head (which he still blames on Frankenstein) and the girl's 'insolence' towards him are all he can take. I don't know what he does to the rat (thank goodness) but he drags the girl's body out into the yard into an empty bathtub and covers her with leaves. We then see him walk to the fence surrounding his yard as he falls to his knees and.... what? Cries some more? He does a lot of that. Pray? Got no idea. All we know is that he's still there and the movie ends and thank you very much Mr. Creepersin for that piece of celluoid that I don't know whether I should be sad over or just glad it IS over.

And back to Netflix I go...