I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Cashing In On The Same, Tired (And Fake) Story



The Amityville Haunting (2011)

Let's see... what do we do when we have no imagination, want to cash in on the 'found footage' crap movies and slaughter another fictional family while claiming it to be true... oh yeah, we make what is the tenth installment of movies and books written about the infamous house in Amityville. Did anything happen? Oh yes, there was a guy who went nuts and murdered his family in the 70's. Is this a demonic occurrence? Well, let's see... just recently we had a mass shooting in a movie theater, a man shot his wife and planted a knife in her hand to claim self defense, three men beat another man to death in a Wal Mart parking lot for stealing 2 DVD players, a drunk addiction counselor hit a man with her car so hard his shoes flew off and he was actually lodged IN her windshield, yet she drove another two miles, stopping for a traffic light and being apprehended by other motorists who surrounded her and took her keys. 

Thanks for the house, feel free to die now...

Point being, people do the most horrific things to each other - it's called lack of love and consideration for your fellow man. If you want to blame that on demons or ghosts, go right ahead. As for the follow-up versions of the story pfft. They've already admitted that it was so blown up that not much reality could be found in any of it. And if this piece of... real estate was so dangerous wouldn't they have torn it down years ago? No way, how else is Amityville gonna get all those tourists to come and take their pictures and spend their money? Besides, it has been documented that families who have lived in the house since have reported absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.

I'm young, smarter than the rest of the family
but nobody listens to me... sounds about right.

Why not keep writing stupid stuff about this particular cash cow? Quick scripts, bad effects, not even bothering to show the actual house once during the entire movie, almost frame for frame duplicate storylines from other movies.... it's a cinch. They might as well make more Twilight movies too while they're at it.... WAIT I DIDN'T MEAN THAT PLEASE DON'T.... oh dammit I hear glitter cans being opened as I type.

So hmmm... found footage, claims to be true, you know all the people in it are gonna die. Why did I watch it then? Oh, I'm here with my sick (but cuddly) puddy feeling not so wonderful myself and this is something I could watch without paying a whole lot of attention because basically I had the review written before the movie started.

We start with teenagers breaking in to party in the infamous house. They die quickly. Three and a half minutes into the movie... a good start. Then we have the realtor selling the house to a family of five (doom, doom, DOOM) who's patriarch inexplicably wants the house before they even cross the threshold. And not a drop of blood in the place. I love considerate evil spirits. Anywho, he convinces his soon-to-be-dead family and they take it. The realtor leaves and promptly dies in their parking lot. Cool! Only 8 minutes in and we've already got more stuff than half of a PA movie. Then they move in with professional movers bringing in the boxes, one makes a smart remark and boom... another body. Fifteen minutes, at least six dead. Not bad.

I may... or may not... have something
to do with this movie, I ain't telling...

So of course right away there's the bumping noises, the doors opening by themselves and the typical shadows. We get the joy of a combination of movie, hand-held footage by the 14 year old boy (nice little touch, making the camera not work quite right - hides boring footage and makes people try to pay attention for when the picture comes back) and of course the obligatory security cameras. This was already a messed up family, having moved five times in just over a year - blaming it on their troubled 16 year old daughter. In fact, the first couple of times the doors were left open, she had done it, to let in a boy and sneak out. Hence the installation of the security cameras. But we get to see (The family seems clueless - if they're not going to watch the camera recordings, why bother?) at first shadows, moving up to see-through figures, then the real deal (which I imagine saved on special effects) as 'real' ghosts of different people are seen throughout the house. Duh. The younger daughter has an imaginary friend who is not so imaginary. The father has his friend install the obligatory cameras - he's electrocuted as soon as he's done. Why not before? Oops, there's that damn brain cell trying to fire up... sorry.

French fried mommy...

Okay the culmination happens after only a few days and all are killed in the middle of the night. They show autopsy reports (having the coroner misspell 'extreme' as 'extream' was not inventive, just dumb) of each family member (except the youngest girl, she has 'joined' the wonderful world of Amityvillle ghosties) - the father was stabbed in the heart by his own youngest daughter, the mother was 'baked' inside her own skin, the son was torn apart but no blood was found in his body (again, very considerate of those evil spirits), and the oldest daughter was bent backward and found without her vital organs or her bones. Yummy! Of course, you don't get to 'see' any of that (well, a glimpse of the mom) 'cause that would take too much in special effects money so they figure reading it on an autopsy is good enough. Ugh. I'll try to make a better pick, but I really don't have much concentration right now, and this was a good movie to get the whole thing without even having to pay any attention.

I found this while getting some images to put on this review and it made me laugh so...

Bonus Drinking Game

Take a Drink: every time they tell the kid to turn off the camera.

Take a Drink: for the death-count; drink as the bodies roll.

Drink a Shot: when you see the ghost, or rather, when you see the guy standing in the background.

I recommend doing this with soda, or else you're gonna get hammered...