I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies So Bad They Make You Say
"What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?"

Kill Katie Malone (2010)

Just reading the catch phrase and the description told me this was a massive duh of a movie and an easy target for my ever so witty observations. Catch phrase: Never buy a demon on the internet. Movie description: Three friends buy a ghost-in-a-box... Okay fellas, which is it? Demon or ghost? You can't even agree and your movie hasn't even started yet. Tsk, tsk. And the image on the poster? You'll never see her anywhere in the movie. Oh, and I know the 'trick' of putting a name in your movie just to have them actually on screen for five minutes or less so when it says it 'stars' Dean Cain it means Dean Cain had a couple hours to blow so...

Let's do this... I have a made-for-TV movie after lunch...

He gets to start it off by frantically trying to sell a box that is torturing his daughter (it's implied it kills her). As soon as he does he yells 'it's done' after which he's tossed around a bit then left alone....

You guys try it first, okay?

In the meanwhile we have three duh college students who have been together since... at least the beginning of this movie. For some unknown reason one is on QuixBid (their version of eBay I guess) and is wanting to bid on the box promising a ghost that will give them wishes (massive duh but better than trying to sell body parts I guess). He is unreasonably eager for this box, even after someone else has outbid him. Borrowing money from both his friends (so all three will 'own' her) he wins the bid. Sigh.

'Pretty Irish lass' my ass...

You probably know just how it goes from here - the douche of a friend lets his other two friends make wishes first 'to see what happens'. Really nice guy - sacrifice your friends first. Soon after their small wishes are granted, an unseen force knocks them all around and trashes both their rooms. See this isn't Casper people, this is the ghost of Katie Malone, an Irish girl in the 1700's who came to America thinking she was getting a new life and instead being sold to bad owner and then to worse owners. The last one beat her constantly and eventually she froze to death tied up in his barn. His daughter, who had been kind to her, somehow made a 'spirit box' to put her in and there is a little pamphlet describing everything for the idiot who opens the box (convenient). Apparently she's been torturing and killing people for generations and the only way to get rid of her is to sell her.

Oh yeah, this is sooo real...

The douche friend, after several people who offend or do something to the three of them die, decides to 'free' her - but that makes it worse because she wants a family. Huh? What the hell does that... you know what, never mind. We have one of the worst CGI effects I've ever seen (conveniently made in a dark tunnel so you couldn't see detail even if there was any) and in the only interesting move of the whole miserable experience, they break the fourth wall to 'splat' the victim against the camera lens. Pass the Kleenex...

Hey I was gonna eat that tomato...

Finally the douche friend is contacted by the original bidder of the box who says he has to sell it to her in order for it to stop and she can put it where no one will ever open it again. Uh huh. So they go on QuixBid and do the deal... whoops. They're waiting but you can clearly read 'Paid' on the screen. The next shot however, it has changed to 'Not Paid'... oh well, I'm surprised they remembered their names...

 Finally he ships it off to her and she hides it in her room - not very well because here comes... Dean Cain, in the rest of his five minute stint. See he's her father too - her sister was killed. He sees the box and they argue over it, inexplicably tussling over it when it falls and opens... end of movie. Good.