I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

OW OW OW MY FREAKING EYES!!!




Terror Trap (2010)

All right, I admit I deviated from my cult film schedule but hey, I guess in an esoteric way this could be a cult film if you like Michael Madsen, Jeff Fahey, or really, really bad ripoffs of better movies. Dan Garcia was ultra proud of this movie - his name appears in the credits ad nauseum - writer, producer, director and several FILM BY DAN GARCIA repeats show that wow, he thinks he's got something special and he does. He has a very horrible combination of Psycho, Hostel, and even a little Rubber thrown into the very nauseating mix. This stunk on such a level that Dan Garcia will go down... not in history, he'll just go down.

No honey, you're dead... DEAD! CUT!!!

First, when the description of the movie starts with 'When a couple in theatrical style become stranded they...' you know it's really going to suck. They can't even describe it nicely. Also a sure sign is when they start with a scripture, like this film is going to be really deep: For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief. (Proverbs 24:16). Doomed doomed doomed. And that's with two decent B movie actors trying to work with the script. Can't be done. They also set this in the South, as if that makes it worse somehow, although a single Southern accent I did not hear. It doesn't tell you where, but on one of the police cars (no license plates whatsoever) it says Garcia Parish. Now only because my husband's boss is originally from Louisiana did we know that it is the only state in the US that uses the term Parish instead of County (Alaska doesn't use County either, they use Borough). So this is supposed to be WAY South - and they try to portray the typical stereotypes of Southern folk but they miss the mark so badly it's almost funny. Almost.

I point this thing-a-majig like this, right?

We see a lot of disjointed film of different women (and some men) meet their bloody fates by... someone or several someones. Lots of blood spatter, tons of screaming, no real good look at whatever is going on. We then hear a funeral in progress that we guess is for the young woman we see that's supposed to be dead (they should have told her to be still - her throat moves so much it's like she's swallowing constantly). Then we go on to our main couple who's names do not matter in the slightest - okay it's Don and Nancy. They are horrible people, especially her with a bad baked on tan and overbleached teeth. They hate each other of course, and fight like children, except her potty mouth is a lot more foul. While in the middle of all this hate in which we get waaaay too much backstory on their lives and relationship since we don't give two bits about these guys, suddenly their car is hit twice (in the fakest car accident I've seen in a long time) not enough to hurt or kill them unfortunately, but even though it's hit in the back, the engine won't start. Sigh. 

I shower every 6 months whether I need to or not...

They call for a cop and fight some more and you're hoping that since they're hanging out in the middle of the street somebody's gonna come and run 'em over. No luck. Instead we get Sheriff Cleveland (Jeff Fahey), a long haired, bearded, greasy version of himself - and also nasty as hell. He has already procured a young lady earlier for the 'Terror Trap' that he helps run and now he has these two - he takes them to the Motel Royal Vista to wait for their nasty ends when the official fun begins.

This Motel is supposed to be a combo of the Bates motel and the student hostel from Hostel I & II. The setup is that they fill the rooms with as many 'victims' as they can catch, charge a bunch of yokels big bucks to watch a PPV snuff scenario in real time (a little Rubber mix) on various screens, then for some reason the killers don Mardi Gras masks and the show begins. Why the masks I have no idea, no one lives. The 'watchers' certainly aren't going to say anything. Sigh again. 

Which brings us back to impotent Don and please-die-now Nancy. They are continuing their fight/backstory/discussion in their room, while we wish the stupid movie would just get on with it. When they hear banging and screams from the next room, Don takes a look in their window and sees a bound girl (Cleveland's first pick up) murdered. He knows now it's a trap (massive duh) and must use all his wits and skills as a former Marine to try and save the two of them. Please don't sir, no offense but if you die now, we can go to bed. Dammit.

Shampoo is for sissies...

I almost forgot the brains of the whole operation - Carter (Michael Madsen) also sporting long, greasy hair (apparently there's no shampoo in the South, all the men were greasy as hell, kind of like guidos without the personality). He's the one who arranges for people to be brought in when there are none to 'catch'. He's got a van of six Ukraine girls right now ready to go... better to beat to death for money than sell as prostitutes, apparently you get a whole lot richer. His 'partner' of sorts owns the hotel and arranges the 'viewers' as well as the killers.

As Don and Nancy make a break for it, I'm rooting with the 'viewers' to have them killed quickly. Nuh uh. for some reason, this pansy of a former Marine turns into MacGyver and is able to outwit as well as beat the hell and kill a couple of the killers. He finds the hotel owner who tries to save his own skin by telling Don about a gun he can use if 1. Don lets the owner walk out alive, and 2. Don shoots Cleveland (nice partners). Don agrees, gets the gun and promptly shoots the hotel owner. Now we're cooking. He gets into a fight with others and crashes into the room with the 'watchers'. He shoots one, I guess for the hell of it. He then sees his wife on the screen who has been captured by Cleveland and sees he is leading her out to his police car. They get into a shootout and since it's between a police officer and a Marine no one hits anything. Sorry about that. A 'professional' hitting anything with a gun in a movie is about as likely as a Stormtrooper hitting someone with his blaster.

They should have duct taped her mouth...

Between Don and Nancy they overpower him however, not quite killing him, and run for their lives. The 'viewers' are both disappointed but also kind of relieved. Carter is massively pissed that his elaborate set-up has pretty much been ruined and he's going to have to start a whole new operation somewhere else. He goes to Cleveland who weakly asks for help. He gives it to him, twice. Blam blam.

The last we see is Don and Nancy hoofing it down the street hoping to find somebody to help them. We then see Carter who is speaking to one of the 'viewers' in his truck who had been rooting for the couple, saying he heard the guy had been blabbing about the whole thing. He denies it of course, and Carter shrugs and walks away... taking out a remote transmitter and setting off an explosion of the 'viewer's' truck (probably most of the SFX budget right there). He then walks away. We end with the same funeral from the beginning, and a stranger approaches the girl's mother and offers her a room at his nearby motel.

So they rip off Psycho with the 'motel of death', Hostel with the 'victims killed for money', and even Rubber for having 'viewers' watch the movie with us. Sad. Hopefully Dan Garcia is extremely ashamed of himself.