Friday, May 31, 2013

APPLY, LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT





7 Nights Of Darkness (2011)

Apparently, in some cities or states, somewhere in the US, there are actually open, modern working mental asylums. How many I can't seem to find anywhere to pin down a number. I did find out that there are supposedly more mentally ill persons in jails and prisons than there are in hospitals. That might explain why there are all these freaking abandoned asylums that filmmakers love to make spooky movies in.

This is a particularly cheap outing of the standard people-stay-and-die stories. For one, we don't have the endless setting up of equipment, the introduction of the 'team' or the explanation of why teenagers are breaking into whatever abandoned facility they have in their town (I am SOOOO jealous!), or interviews with the supposed 'producers' of this show, we just have a short paragraph that basically tells you what you need to know and why you don't even need to watch the movie:

'In 2008 six reality television show contestants spent seven nights in an abandoned and haunted asylum. The show never aired but an editor for the network was able to piece together some footage. The prize for staying all seven nights was a share of one million dollars that was to be split amongst any contestants that didn't leave. No prize money was ever awarded.'


Well, there ya go. They show up, things are dull, they hear noises, they see things, they die. Apply, lather, rinse, repeat. I don't usually recommend movies like this but if crews or people wetting themselves because 'it just got cold in here' or 'what was that noise' kind of stuff, you'd be better off watching either Grave Encounters or Grave Encounters 2. Actually you'd be better off watching The Simpsons or Family Guy.

Oh hey, I know... how about Supernatural Activity? I actually have watched that one a couple of times. It spoofs all of 'em - found footage, Blair Witch, Paranormal Activity, and every spook TV show there is. Damon Dealer is a hero (obviously a parody of Criss Angel - Mindfreak).


WHAT THE HELL IS TRIPTYCH?






The Haunted Dollhouse aka DevilDolls (2012)

Word of the day people, and don't say you never learn anything from my blog. One, triptych simply means a work of art that is separated into three sections. Two, this movie is NOT a triptych. It IS an anthology of three short stories without a wraparound, which considering the stories is something of a relief. But don't relax yet - this is not truly an anthology. Rather this, inexplicably, is a cut-down of three movies into three short stories that, because of what was cut, make absolutely no sense. Duh.

The Protectors: This story was originally the movie Skull Heads (2009). Seeing the short story I was very relieved I didn't have to be tortured that long. Three thieves, posing as Hollywood music producers (saying you 'make videos' for 50 Cent is not really making you a good reputation) want to rob an Italian mansion, full of goodies and a stupid family of three. This is where it gets really stupid and confusing. 

The girl is told several times she's in trouble and will 'spend time in the basement' but doesn't. The parents refuse to let the three into the house to do anything yet next you see them eating at the table. The story excuse is that the girl let them. Let them? What the hell? How does a child who gets sent to the basement 'let' anyone do anything? 

Sigh - let's just end this. The point is that the house is protected by 'skull heads' that keep people from doing harm. Too bad they don't protect the girl from her dad - apparently spending time in the basement means being tied to a rack. Nice. The three return at night but manage to wake everyone up so they kill the parents. Long story short (can't believe this was a movie) the 'skull heads' re-animate the parents and the thieves are screwed. No, not literally thank goodness. I just meant the story's over.

Worry Dolls: I found this movie called Dangerous Worry Dolls (2008) on Screampix but when I tried to play it - surprise surprise it refused to play. That's probably a good thing. Have you ever seen the cartoon Superjail? Just nod or shake your head if you have or haven't. On there is a very male guard named Alice with large hooters and a short skirt tight enough to reveal, uh, yeah. 

So this woman has to go to one of those prisons with no bars, just a large room full of beds (in other words very low budget) and the nasty male guard likes to take videos of them being raped - with a strap on. That was embarrassing just to type. I was also thinking WTH but the reason became apparent later on. 

The woman has a daughter who gave her 'worry dolls', tiny things that supposedly would take all your troubles away. All it did is give her an enormous zit in the middle of her forehead and a nasty attitude. She becomes all the horrid things she hates around her, even to attacking the guard - who ends up having breasts. Sort of opposite of the aforementioned Alice. Wow, what a horrid story - and that was a movie?

Dangerous Toys: From the movie Demonic Toys (1992) and with Tim Thomerson who somehow spent a lot of his career being small. You can see him in the Trancers trilogy (not small in those), Dollman, Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, etc. and a ton of war-type movies. Much more exciting than this story I hope. It involves two human looking dolls from another planet, uh, I guess. They fight against some not-human looking toys who are trying to get the female doll pregnant (?!?) with the antichrist (ah come on!) and we of course have an evil clown toy and other idiotic toys of that day meant to look, well, evil. How does it end? How do you think?



MOVIES WITH DIE! IN THE TITLE THAT SHOULD HAVE DONE JUST THAT







Die You Zombie Bastards! (2005)

Okay, I think this is supposed to be about serial killer Red Toole (the hero of the movie) rescuing his wife Violet from Baron Nefarious. I admit I got about as far as the Baron turning three blonde women in their underwear to three naked (except for pink underwear) zombies that were green with red nipples and purple hair.






Hmm... the clothes must have come later...
Then they mention some product called Zombastisheen (don't kill me if I spelled that wrong) that is, quote, 'a great car wax, lubricant and spreads great on crackers'. Woof. It's hard enough to watch on 16mm film, and the nudity promised to make this yet another porno/comedy piece of idiocy hiding as horror. No thanks.




Die Cheerleader Die! (2008)

Believe it or not I got through this whole movie - despite the skips, movie ending when it wasn't over, etc. You know - all the stuff I've been complaining about this week. This takes place in the enlightened town of Dullsville - where the local college has made the words 'social status' about as popular as the KKK. Especially the cheerleaders. Now, this movie did NOT have any beautiful people in it - these cheerleaders wouldn't get a second look by anyone anywhere but somehow they try to persuade you they're the best of the best. Well, one girl has a bulimic problem and is helped by a group of 'fat girls' (not one of them was over 130 pounds - this was 'movie fat') who call themselves PIGS (pretty intelligent girls). By now I'm disgusted AND insulted.


I'll pay five bucks if any of these girls is under 25...
Anyway, apparently somebody in the cast agreed with me and starts popping off the cheerleaders one by one. Way way too slowly. I'll save you the trouble and tell you that one of the generic cheerleaders did it - and gets away with it. Why? To be cheerleader captain the following year of course. Duh.





I'LL TAKE ANOTHER SHOT OF SCOTCH PLEASE




Destined To Be Ingested aka Holocaust Holocaust (2008)

I must admit there are some movies that are so obvious I just let 'em play while doing something else 'cause hey, I've seen it before, I'm looking at it now and I'll probably see it again in some other movie. This one I watched to the end and had to do a double take. I was sure I must have missed a vital plot point so I skimmed through it again - nope. This is actually how the movie goes:

Although it is not implicitly said in the movie except for hints in flashbacks, a down and out couple win the lottery and so, instead of planning for a better future, they decide to go on a holiday somewhere warm in the South seas. They are with another couple plus their 'captain' on a small boat - a captain who neither knows direction or whether a side is port or starboard. 

They get lost. They find this out after snorkeling to try to find a shark. Uh, what? They're in swim suits, no weapons and they want to find a shark? Kill me now. Or them. Yeah, kill them. They're drying off and I notice something - take notes you overly expensive makeup companies. The main character, Anna, has just come out of salt water but has perfect eye shadow, liner, and mascara. Not a single smear. Genius.

Unfortunately that's her last smart move. Realizing they are nowhere near the island resort they had set out for, but a seemingly deserted island, the two couples decide to go there anyway, the 'captain' staying on board. Anna and her husband Tom are relieved anyway - in one of those rare movie moments where there is actually a cell signal, they had just gotten a call that their newly gained fortune was completely lost in the stock market. They're stone broke - again. So they do what any couple would do - lots of coke. What is this, the 80's?

Anna decides to go for a walk and Tom follows and they have a rare moment of cocaine-fueled love. Followed by a nap. Meanwhile, from the boat the 'captain' sees the other couple on the beach get slaughtered by generic tribesmen. He beats cleats out of there, leaving Tom and Anna stranded. They get back to the beach, seeing their boat leaving and finding blood on the beach. 

Tom goes exploring and finds some sort of pitiful altar - I got a 'Blair Witch' flashback moment 'cause the 'altar' was surrounded by piled up rocks (gasp!). In the middle he finds bits of meat and a watch (massive duh). We the lucky audience get to see that not only were the couple slaughtered, but their hearts ripped out and their flesh eaten by the cannibal tribe. Remember that for later by the way.

They go off and hide but in typical movie duh style Anna hurts her ankle. Tom goes off because he's pissed - not only did Anna throw away the rest of the coke, she wants him to throw out the beer (he's an alcoholic). He storms off to try in his pitifully stupid way to find something to build a raft. He is of course hunted, hit with a poison dart, and the tribe has more fresh meat.


A bohunk tribesman finds Anna and uses his little dart - but she's so pretty (must be the eyeshadow) he can't eat her - he dresses her wound and builds her a shelter. In short order, he's her new man and he teaches her the local language (he laughs because 'Anna' means 'chin') and she teaches him kissing. And we get to skip ahead six months.

Anna is now pregnant and her bohunk decides to take her home to meet the folks. They are angry, saying that they will be cursed - but he points out to the, uh, leader (who's white as paste) had himself a white mama so they don't push the matter. And here's where it gets... weird.

All of a sudden everyone yells that the 'dark ones' are coming. The 'dark ones' are the three other people Anna was with - her late husband and the other couple. They are now zombies. Whaaaaa? They're totally intact (as zombies go) and pissed - they go biting and attacking everyone. Anna loses her bohunk and runs to the island's only canoe (with all those villagers you'd think they'd have a fleet) and the last scene is her alone, looking back at the island.

Now wait just a cruddy second - zombies? What the hell? I thought well, I didn't pay close enough attention so I went back through the movie. Nope - they get slaughtered and eaten. But apparently in this movie they pulled themselves back together (so to speak), rose up and became very, very green zombie killers. Pffft,  never mind.



MOVIES YOU TRY TO WATCH BECAUSE OF THEIR TITLES



What The Hell?

Here's just a short list of movies I've tried to watch or actually managed to watch despite these head scratching titles:
  • The Tale Of The Voodoo Prostitute
  • Deadly Renovations
  • Attack Of The Vegan Zombies
  • Mourning Wood
  • Gingerbread Man 2: Passion Of The Crust
  • Die Cheerleader Die!
  • Pop Funk Zombies
  • The Mutilation Man
  • Slashers Gone Wild
  • Destined To Be Ingested
  • (Your destination here) Massacre (Which usually isn't)

In other words... my head is killing me.




WHEN YOU'RE FAST FOOD, DON'T BE FRONTIN' LIKE YOU'RE MASA







Worst Paid Movie Service I've Tried So Far

Note: I was curious to see if they were still in business because it really, really sucked and yup, it still really, really sucks - but calls itself Screambox now. There's a movie or two that might be worth seeing, but the rest...

I haven't been really positive about my experience with a new subscription movie service now on YouTube, called Screampix and if you ask my opinion, I'd stay far away from it. Why? Well, I use Netflix quite regularly, plus there are several free movie channels on YouTube (if you don't mind commercials) not to mention Fandor, Hulu, etc. 

I tried Screampix because of it's auspicious claims to be a site of horror fans who like their movies 'uncut, unedited (Isn't that what uncut means?) and new movies added every week'. Okay. I tried their 14 day free preview (they charge $2.99 per month) and got nothing but grief. And bad movies. Really, REALLY bad movies.

I could excuse the bad movies easily enough, after all, it gives me some good fodder for my blog. But what there's no excuse for is bad service and bad attitude. I wasn't the only one to ask why the new movies weren't available. We all got the same answer - all movies are available in the US and Canada. 

Well, I'm in the US and NONE of the new movies would play. And the stinkers that DID play would skip, stop and say they were over and have to be reloaded, or just back up 15 minutes or so (which kept me on my toes - with no close captioning unless you're paying close attention you wonder why characters are repeating dialogue). 

So I asked why not. No answer. Asked again. So their response was to ERASE my question and then answer it anyway. And of course, then block me from asking any more. Oh, the answer was typical - it's my equipment, it's my connection, it's YouTube's fault... in other words, Screampix accepts no responsibility for its service.


That's just bad business. Let's talk about my equipment. It's first rate. My connection speed and reliability? Solid. When I'm on Netflix, I can open as many other windows as I want and I NEVER even have a hiccup with their service. And let's talk about Screampix's, uh, horror movies. If you want to watch bad porn, go to a porn channel - don't throw in a murder or two and call it horror. 

Why do I say that? Because most of their movies are from two companies - braindamage.com and Midnight Releasing - both apparently specializing in cheap, disgusting and bad quality. And apparently somehow connected - go to one of their sites and you'll find plenty of references to the other one. If that's your poison and and you like it, this could be the site for you. If you can stand the technical issues.

Screampix currently (6/13) claims 124 movies in its service. Of this number, and I think I'm being quite generous, only roughly 20 or so are watchable (one thumbs up for the remastered original 'Puppet Master') and that's not worth the money.

Let me give you a piece of advice though, 'Rayzilla' (the moderator of the site): Don't be getting so snooty so fast after starting up your little venture. Admitting that things might not be going smoothly but striving to do better makes a much better impression than putting down your subscribers, deleting their comments and blocking them. After all, you're a small-time service, not Netflix. In other words, you're no Masa (a NYC restaurant deemed the most expensive in the US).

Something tells me that this service is either going to bomb or get with the program really fast.

The only feedback was dated six months back - they still advertise the same crap they claimed when I tried it, uncut full length movies, over a hundred of them, $2.99 a month. It's sheer crap with a real movie or two that you can get easily elsewhere (say on the FREE YouTube) and to hell with the rest of 'em. The same guy is still there, and not much else... the latest feedback was months old and familiar - "The movies won't play." Nice.



Tuesday, May 28, 2013

AND THE PFFFFT AWARD FOR WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR TO REVIEW GOES TO:






Monsturd (2009)

I know picking the worst movie in May might be premature, but I think you'll understand. This movie alone should send prospective subscribers screaming to get away from the dubious movie service Screampix (now called Screambox) on YouTube (see review of that so-called 'service' and recent update on 6/8/14). I mean, besides all the movies that are 'not available', movies that stop and say they're over when they're not, or just back up 15 minutes to half an hour and you have to find your place again.

What can you learn from this movie? Don't ask your kid to tell you a bedtime story. That's how this comes about (I almost said how it comes out but caught myself.) when a dad is too pooped to tell his little one a story. She comes up with this:

In a nice little town there's a nasty chemical factory developing some bacteria that can duplicate itself. I think it can already do that, can't it? But supposedly this one mutates and they've got to get rid of the evidence. What better place than the sewer?

Meanwhile a mean killer named Jack Schmidt (Get it? No? Really?) escapes from prison and hides... in the sewers. Do we get the rest of the story now? After being melted by the green (mutated horrid stuff is always green) goo in the sewers, Jack rises again as a giant, uh, doodyman. Okay, he's a monsturd. Happy?

Here's a list of my favorite lines from this movie:
  • You've been watching too many crappy horror movies
  • Don't get caught with your pants down

Umm, that's it. It's not like this movie is particularly deep. Just smelly. So Jack the monsturd goes around getting his revenge by coming up out of toilets, killing people and writing on the walls (hmm, he must get around in public stalls a lot) and generally making a smelly, gross mess. The town's heroic sheriff must face ridicule and find a way to get rid of this... thing before the town's chili cookoff. I am not making this up. So they prepare for battle. First, order a million flies to attack Jack. 

Umm, wouldn't flies just transport that stuff around and infect... ah skip it. Second, buy every bottle of Pepto Bismol in the state. Add all the disposable diapers and Super Soakers and they're ready for battle. Wait - if Pepto is for diarrhea wouldn't it make the solid Jack sh... um monster even stronger? And why am I even asking questions?

Armed with diapers and Super Soakers filled with the pink stuff they attack the monster as it approaches all the chili-lovin' population. Just then their friend with the million flies shows up with them IN A CAT CARRIER (apparently these flies are too stupid to just go through the grate) and releases them, and we get some really, uh, close shots of flies eating sh.... the monster. And the sheriff is a hero. And the father committed the little girl to a mental institution for coming up with this story. Just kidding.




PLEASE STOP - PLEASE. JUST. STOP.





The Bucks County Massacre (2012)

Okay filmmakers, let's review what the definition of 'massacre' is: A massacre is an incident where some group is killed by another, and the perpetrating party are perceived to be in total control of force while the victimized party is perceived to be helpless and/or innocent with regard to any legitimate offense.




In other words you 'gee let's make another found footage movie with shaky cameras giving the audience a violent headache' hacks, YOU are massacring US. We are forced to sit for over an HOUR of shaky footage of somebody's birthday party, waiting for something to happen BESIDES twenty-somethings getting drunk, fooling around and being insensitive jerks. When the first girl goes missing, it's almost a relief. Since we know (because you tell us incessantly) that everybody died, we know that as soon as the last one gets whacked, we can go home.

So what the hell is killing these people (besides their own stupidity at running around in the dark I mean)? We get a sketchy look toward the end of the movie of some really emaciated looking idiot in torn clothes. In reviews I saw the word 'vampire' used once or twice. If so, I'm sorry but I gotta say it. One vampire decimates a whole bunch of people one at a time AND IT IS STILL A BETTER LOVE STORY THAN TWILIGHT. Thank you very much for that, I almost feel better.

Besides the screaming (lots and lots of screaming) there isn't much dialogue and zero plot - except of course the death of these idiots. And thank you very much another bloody headache.







OREGON TRAGEDY THAT NEVER HAPPENED - THIS TIME





15: An Exploration Of Human Violence aka 15: Inside The Mind Of A Serial Killer (2011)

There must be dozens of movies that delve into the minds of serial killers. Here's a brief rundown. They are sick, depraved psychopaths, usually intelligent, who care nothing about anyone but themselves. The end. But this story claimed to be in Oregon, specifically in Portland and Happy Valley. Portland is one of the largest cities on the upper west coast, Happy Valley is a small city in Clackamas County, which is southeast of Portland, more toward the city of Gresham.

Dayton Leroy Rogers
Now the Northwest has had its share of serial killers. Crime writer Ann Rule would be out of business if we didn't. So I looked up statistics just for Oregon since this is where this story claims to have taken place. This is our shameful contribution to the whackjob population:
  • Randall "Randy" Woodfield aka The I-5 Bandit, who killed a suspected 18 people from 1979 to 1981
  • Robert Silveria aka The Boxcar Serial Killer, who killed a suspected 34+ people in 1995
  • Dayton Rogers aka Steve the gambler, who killed 6 people from 1983 to 1987
  • Adolf Rode aka Cesar Barone, who killed 5 people from 1980 to 1993
  • Gary Ridgeway, aka Green River Killer, who killed a suspected 60 people from 1982 to 1998
  • Randy Kraft aka Score-Card Killer, who killed a suspected 51 people from 1971 to 1983
  • Keith Jesperson aka Happy Face Killer who killed 8 people from 1990 to 1995
I noticed that these are all from 1970 forward so either they didn't have records before that, or no one had been caught before these examples. This also doesn't cover unsolved crimes, crimes after the 90's, and the fact that several of the above also killed people in other states. Sheesh.

So I mainly watched this uninspired offering just to recognize footage of iconic places around Oregon. This is the basic premise (and total fiction): On April 5th 2011 filmmakers Jack Hamill and Brenda Hill were hired to make a documentary about serial killer Edward Payne. Three weeks later Jack Hamil's partially decomposed remains were found in an abandoned field outside a small town in Oregon. An investigation into the crime led police to a farmhouse on the edge of town. 

Randall Brent Woodfield
What they found there would shake the tight knit community to the core. Nearly a dozen young women were found decomposing in the basement. Stacks of documentary tapes were left on the kitchen table. And the hunt for one of America's most notorious serial killer was set to begin. Witness the birth of a monster with this behind the scenes look into the mind of a killer. And apparently they weren't really proud of their own movie 'cause I couldn't find any pictures.



Whether they're trying to base this on one of the real criminals above, I really doubt it. Most dumped their victims, none kept them in their basements. And it takes the filmmaker an inexcusable 116 minutes to go through this movie that attempt to scare you by combining elements of a psychopath's mind with paranormal activity. Sort of. They try to make this as 'real' as possible and all it does is emphasize that if the crew had a peanut of a brain in between them they'd have run screaming after five minutes.

Cesar Barone
The cameraman, Jack, is only doing this because he's out of work. He answers an ad in Craigslist. Mistake number one. The reporter, Brenda also answered an ad. But Jack finds out that she's already been paid. He nervously brings this up and Edward promises to wire him money immediately. Jack keeps trying to call his wife to see if she got the money but she never answers the phone. Mistake number two. He should have scrambled out of there pronto. But no, we have to sit through while Brenda asks questions, and so does Jack. Edward keeps having hissy fits, going so far as to scream and cry while he tells them that they have to discover why he likes hurting people. Jack keeps trying. Mistake number three and they keep coming.

I'll spare you the loooong moments of supposedly spooky stuff and get to the gist of the thing. I knew right away this was not what it seemed when Brenda 'discovers' the bodies in the basement but doesn't get upset or even seem disturbed - she films everything. Duh.

This is because, of course, Brenda is NOT a reporter - she is Edward's girlfriend. Believe it or not, there are many cases of serial killers carrying out regular relationships, some even have families. When Jack finds this out it is way too late. He wakes to find himself bound to a chair and discovers why his wife never answered the phone. 

She is hung from the ceiling by her wrists as Edward tortures both her and Jack - he finally kills her. Jack screams he wants to die too since Edward took everything away from him. And apparently, according to tape #15 (thus the title) Edward is all too accommodating. Blah.

Great shots of Happy Valley and Portland - I wonder if Powell Books (a VERY familiar place for us Oregonians) appreciated being used as a backdrop for several shots in this movie...



Sunday, May 26, 2013

FLOTSAM AND JETSAM PART FIVE AND FINALE




Maplewoods aka Operation: Nazi Zombies (2003)

First of all, I have no idea why it was originally called Maplewoods. Second, I don't know why they changed it to ONZ because there isn't a single damn Nazi in the whole movie. Oh the whole thing was supposed to be the FAULT of Nazis, but that's still a big stretch for a big retch of a movie.

Sorry, but after watching horrid after horrid movies made by Brain Damage, and knowing that this film is basically an ego trip of one David Stewart III who - now dig this - made this piece of garbage, he also acted in it, was the set director, composed music, operated a camera and designed costumes. Sorry David, you are no Tom Savini and this is the sorry ass proof of that.

As usual, the CIA, not having America's best interests at heart, conspire with the Army Chemical Corps to recreate a Nazi experiment to make soldiers keep on keepin' on even after they're dead. Nice. No retirement for our brave boys - crack that whip you bureaucratic ticks. Hmm, I think I'm in desperate need of a nap.



Anywho, of course everything goes to hell and so they send in Special Forces to clean up the mess - which just makes a bigger mess as zombies attack and more and more BECOME zombies so, you know, more mess... and we have to live through this for 87 minutes. Sigh. That's about it. It's bad, it's cheap and it's not as advertised. And I'm done.
FLOTSAM AND JETSAM PART FOUR




Sideshow (2000)

People have been gawking at those with physical differences since the 16th century. In today's more 'politically correct' society, a 'freak show' as they were known are pretty much frowned upon, if not outright banned. Probably why they called this movie Sideshow when it was about people of different natures. Way back when, those with tattoos or ultra thin/fat people were considered 'freaks'. Now we call them 'rednecks'. Okay, okay people no hate letters, that was a joke. My hubby has his share of tats, and I am no curvy beauty myself and have absolutely no prejudices towards anyone so calm down.

In the US, a popular sideshow is still alive and well on Coney Island. Here's their own description: The last traditional 10-in-1 continuous sideshow performing in a circus or amusement context includes a cast of live professional performers, many at the top of their field. Located in the home of sideshow culture, in an official New York City Landmark with its own sideshow pedigree, and offering traditional shows and Sideshow School, our facility is to sideshow culture what the Actor’s Studio is to American acting: we are the International Center of Sideshow Arts.

This work takes place in our facility, Sideshows by the Seashore. It represent the origins of American Theater, starting with PT Barnum in 1842, and continuing through the mid-20th c. changes to entertainment culture with Houdini, Ringling Bros and Ripley’s Believe-It-or-Not and is also the home of the American Sideshow Hall of Fame. The Sideshow is one of our oldest and most important programs and of of the 15-20 different artistic programs we produce, it is the most visible, most egalitarian, and most memorable for visitors to Coney Island.

Although we are a family friendly show, we also have a reputation for encouraging new directions and trends in our field: this year’s cast will consist of 10 performers, several of which are new to our stage and several visiting artists. In the past, the world's foremost sword swallowers and fire eaters have worked in our cast, and we’re excited to welcome group of assertive young "born different" performers this summer who think the talented and handicapped have as much right to be rock stars on stage as doctors and lawyers. As such, we will be hosting a number of guest performers: Lil’ Miss Firefly, “the Midget of Mischief”, who stands 27” tall but has a big list of credits to her name, including touring with Ozzy Osbourne, Marilyn Manson, Justin Timberlake and others; and Mat Fraser, the worlds foremost international spokesman for the disability rights community, MC of London’s Special Olympics, and producer of “Thalidomide! The Musical”. In addition to guests, our core cast will include several new and emerging performers of note, including The Original Gumby (contortionist), Ray Valenz (MC and human blockhead), Betty Bloomerz (Sword Swallower), Rush (stretchable-skinned boy), Angelica (fire eater), and Serpentina (Snake Charmer).

This movie is about five teenagers who don't have any sense and a whole lot of prejudice. The whole point of the movie is, of course, that each one gets what's coming to them. There are no names here, except maybe Phil Fondacaro as the 'Ringmaster' of the show. Being a little person, the most aggressive (read jerk) teenager seals his fate by picking the man up like a child and bouncing him around. Sigh. Yes, it's going to be Just. That. Boring.


It's not a 100% loss though. There are actually some halfway decent special effects as the fre... um, I mean sideshow folks show their special talents. We have the inside-out woman (just as gross as it sounds), a woman who can digest anything (it's the WAY she does it that is, uh, just gross), a conjoined twin that reminded me of Kuato from Total Recall (the GOOD one, in 1990) and others that showed creativity - too bad the story had to be so... stupid. You guess in about five minutes what's going to be the fate of each one and sure enough... it takes about 90 minutes for us to get to the end. Yikes.