I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

THE FIFTY MOVIE MARATHON OF PURE TERROR CLASSICS CONTINUES!

Pure Terror
Continuing on with 50 classic horror films whether you're ready or not. I've got the tape recorder, I've got the dictation software - let's see how I do. It can't be any worse than these movies were - woof, what stinkers!







DISC THREE, MOVIE ONE

Vendetta Dal Futuro aka Fists of Steel aka Hands of Steel aka Vendetta From the Future aka Atomic Cyborg (1986) Italy/US

This Italian science fiction piece of garbage is even more tragic in that not only is it very, very awful, but an actor actually died during one of the stunts for this movie. That's way way way too high a price to pay for this horrid piece of film. It's really too bad too, because I really like John Saxon. He is a great character actor who just happens to have the bad fortune of being in some really horrible films. This would be considered one of them.

I... don't know what to say about this one...

But first, a little respect for a talented man whose life was cut short when the helicopter he was riding in crashed in Arizona: Claudio Cassinelli, who's name was misspelled on the movie's page (I corrected that), was an Italian film, stage and television actor. He began his career in theater, later dedicating himself to film and television work. He was 46.

The movie synopsis: An international industrialist is determined to stop interference of ecological scientists in order to continue his profitable, but environmentally unstable practices, by sending his cyborg out to kill them. That's the synopsis, folks, it doesn't get any better than that. This cyborg is supposedly 70% machine, 30% human. Now if there are any sex scenes, I'd like to see where this 30% went.

Sorry about that, but when you have to watch a movie of this stinkitude, you go for what you can get. In this case, if it's a man with a little extra, no harm, no foul. So this movie (because of the environment, not because of, well, you know) would be under the category that I made up myself called and eat ghosts ploy Tatian. Wait a minute, that's my dictation software trying to say an ecosploitation movie. Hey, I'm going to like this machine-made stuff. The laughs come fast and furious. No, I'm lying. The only laugh I get is the title card, as they use this font in all capital letters that is so thick and horrible that if I hadn't already known the title, this title card would have been absolutely no help.

Whaddya mean I don't get to meet the Pope?

Going through the credits I noticed that John Saxon's name is not coming up. Finally, toward the end, it says, 'featuring John Saxon'. That probably means that Mr. Saxon was on vacation in Italy, they were shooting this movie, somebody recognized him and told him 'Hey Mr. Saxon, how'd you like your Italian vacation paid for?' And so, amid all the Italians in dubbed English, Mr. Saxon delivers approximately 5 minutes of dialogue in order to give this movie some kind of name to try to draw viewers. I don't think that it worked. Especially since it was painfully obvious that NONE of this film was actually shot in Italy. And Mr. Saxon was most likely in Disneyland when they approached him.

We're introduced to a character that I'm just going to call Sweaty Guy. Sweaty Guy sweats everywhere. His face is sweaty, his arms are sweaty, even the backs of his freaking hands are sweaty. Somebody please throw this guy a towel.

The movie isn't very clear of course, because that would mean they would need better scriptwriters, a better story, and more money. The bad guys send this cyborg out to kill some scientist that is not really explained, as this is apparently some sort of future Italy, where everything is filthy and messed up. In other words, Italy is now New Jersey. 

Just kidding, New Jersey actually can be pretty beautiful. No hate mail, please. Point being, and I do have one, that all of these so-called scientists and we know they're scientists because they're wearing scrubs, meet in a filthy hotel rooms like in the future there's no Holiday Inns or something.

The bottles? Oh they're to wring my shirt out in...

Why is this cyborg so freaking sweaty? He's wearing a long-sleeved shirt with a vest over it, and we can tell it's the 80's by the way, his hair is all nice and blow-dried. And yet, he sweats. Nobody else seems to be hot. Maybe it's not sweat, it's lubricant. Eww.

Now I don't even wanna know exactly where that 30% is and what it's made of. And now I can't eat my lunch. Oh my Lord, he just looked at his wristwatch, and his wrist is sweating! I am thoroughly grossed out. This is the most unattractive Stallone wanna-be character I have ever seen. 

Plus the acting is horrible because you're only as good as the person who dubs you and these 'dubbers' were horrible. How do they do that exactly? I mean, you're talking back and forth, one in Italian, one in English, and yet you're supposed to be having a conversation? How does that work? Those are the questions I would be asking if I gave a damn.

Sweaty Guy and his bitch-slap of death...

Mr. Sweaty Guy also has the unique fighting style. I call it the Bitch Slap method. When threatened, he crosses both arms over his chest, waits for the bad guy to get into range, then whacks them in the face with both arms. What a guy. That is so. Not. Cool.

So, Mr. Sweaty Guy finds the fellow in the wheelchair he supposed to kill because it's so manly for an able-bodied cyborg to pick on a poor old man in a wheelchair. Somehow, we don't quite see how, maybe he showed them his armpit or something I don't know, he kills him. He then climbs out a window to get away.

Does this look like freaking Italy to you?

I would tell you that there are exciting car chases, hot and lusty Italian babes, and lots and lots of nudity. After all, this is Italian, but nooooo. It was filmed in the US, so clothes on, people. What we get is Mr. Sweaty Guy taking us on a driving tour for no discernible reason. And it continues, and it continues, and I'm nodding off, and I don't remember what happened to me during about a half-hour, but I do know I have a slight headache.

Not only did Mr. Sweaty Guy fail to kill the old man scientist in the wheelchair, but as the paramedics are packing the injured geriatric up, making sure he has that miracle blanket that all paramedics give their patients in every movie you've ever seen, these paramedics also show an incredible ability to see through a patient's body. 

As they're about to leave, they inform his supposed bodyguards that he is in deep doody, as his spleen has almost ruptured and he's losing a lot of blood. Let me repeat that. His spleen. Has almost. Ruptured. Wow. I guess in Italy, paramedics are required to get a degree in ultrasound. Plus, since the old guy was red in the face and had a teensy tiny blood spot on his shirt, I don't think he lost all THAT much blood...

Meanwhile, Mr. Sweaty Guy is hot footing it out of town. He has gotten a new ride, and drives within the space of minutes through several types of terrain. None of them match. He turns off to drive through some woods (?!?) and passes a sign that says, and I shit you not, Caution Acid Rain Ahead. Oh, really? Acid rain only falls on a certain and predetermined part of a forest? Nowhere else? Wow. 

Anywho, Mr. Sweaty Guy ignores the sign and keeps driving. Soon the acid rain is eating a hole through the roof of his car. As it drips inside, it hits him, but of course, since he's a cyborg, there's no pain. Just lots and lots of sweat.

You know Mr. Sweaty Guy doesn't know what country he's in...

So by now you've got a be wondering, that is, if you're still conscious, who's behind his existence and his commands? What you mean you don't care? Oh, that's right, I'm supposed to care. This is where Mr. Saxon earned his vacation money (Shh, don't tell him, you'll spoil it). He is the head of the corporation that manufactured and commanded the cyborg to kill the old man in the wheelchair. 

Mr. Saxon's character's pissed off because he has to spend more time on screen, since the cyborg did not kill the old man. Now he has to find out why. We now find out that Mr. Sweaty Guy's actual name is Paco Queruak. Sure, whatever you say guys, not like I'm going to write that down or anything. Oh, wait. Dammit. I don't like Paco, so Mr. Sweaty Guy he stays.

Now I listen through minutes and minutes worth of my own voice telling me that nothing is happening in this movie. Why did I do that? I knew that I would only be irritating myself later. But I did it anyway. Apparently, there was so much nothing happening in this movie that I had an aneurysm or something and my speech center just wouldn't shut off.

Alright, I've had enough of this movie. I'm going through my recordings and it's just cyborg is made to kill scientist, cyborg does not kill scientist, cyborg runs away, big corporation chases cyborg, cyborg wipes out most of corporation's employees because despite having superior (and futuristic looking - sort of) weapons, they shoot like Stormtroopers. And then, finally, John Saxon, so he can get on with his vacation (wink, wink). How? "You can control a man's mind but not his heart!" says Mr. Sweaty Guy, and he rips Saxon's heart out. I'm not kidding.

Does Mr. Sweaty Guy live or die? Guess what? You get to watch the movie if you want to know, because I'm done.

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