I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

SINCE I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, I'M GONNA COPY HOLLYWOOD AND JUST PRINT OTHER PEOPLE'S STUFF... BUT I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE CREDIT FOR IT BECAUSE I KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG (HINT HINT)...





Creepy Children

To me, all children are creepy. Maybe it's because I never had any of my own, maybe because I watch how they interact with their parents and siblings as if they own them, I dunno. When you're very small, very strange stuff can come out of your mouth. Mine is half true, half made up. Care to guess which part is which?

Miss Murder: When I was young my father liked to tell the tale of the time he woke up in the dead of night because of a woman at the foot of his bed was staring at him. This happened several times before he told his mother about it. After describing her, she told him that the woman was her mother, who died before he was born. I never told him how mad his grandmother always looked standing behind him when he told that story.

The following is NOT to be taken seriously, just consider it as some creative writing by adults who suffer from a lack of sleep due to having small ones (or having to babysit small ones):



My five-year-old at the time had night terrors and would scream in her sleep. One night I said, "Mama's here, it's okay." She looked right at me still asleep and screamed, "Mama? But who is that behind you?"

"A few years ago, I was putting my friend's daughter to bed for the night. She was about 3 at the time, and she was at that stage where she'd regularly fight going to sleep. She asked me why she had to go to bed, and I said, "Because it is late and it's time for little girls to get a good nights rest." She then pointed at nothing across the room and said, "What about that little girl?"

When my kid was four, we were watching a documentary on the Titanic. The scene was a picture of the boiler room and the camera panned from left to right. He pointed at the TV and said, "That's wrong. The boilers were on the other side, and I was right here." He pointed to a small space in the boiler room. "That's where I was. And that's why I don't like water now."

When my brother was little he acted like he had angels talking to him every second. One day my mom overheard him saying, "I can't kill him! He's my only dad!"

"I lost my boyfriend to a stray bullet a few months back and when I went to visit his little cousin a few days after it happened, he came up to me while I was crying. He asked me why I was crying and so I told him that I missed my boyfriend. He had this confused look on his face and then said, "Why? He's sitting on the doorstep."


My son told me in the sweetest of voices, in a consoling tone..."Don't worry mommy, I'll never murder you."

I was babysitting overnight. Both kids sleep walk and talk in their sleep. The oldest was crying in his sleep, got up, and locked himself in the bathroom. It took a while to get him out. I ended up sleeping on the couch. In the middle of the night I woke up feeling like someone was watching me. He was standing next to the couch. I said, "what are you doing?" His response? "The man watches you when you sleep." And then he walked back to bed. I didn't go back to sleep.