I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies That Are Outright Rip-Offs Of... Just About Everything


The Haunted (1991) Made For TV


What do you do when you want to make some bucks and there's The Exorcist, The Amityville Horror, Poltergeist, and scores of other movies about supposed demonic possession or hauntings? You mush them together, take an incident or two that can be explained easily, and blow it up to make your own ghost story complete with book and movie and, of course the bottom line, money. Oh, and for some reason you have to be Catholic. That seems to be a requirement. So if you're of any other faith, relax. This 'true' story most certainly will not be happening to you. I have said it before and I'll say it again - when a movie claims to be 'based on true events' you can be sure that what that means is 99.9% of it probably never happened. The claims to having many media sources (we know how reliable that is - the news always tells the truth, right?), demon hunter claims, no support from the Catholic Church (of course), is somehow smashed when at the end of this proclamation it says 'some events have been dramatized'. Bingo. A plate smashes, a thump is heard, priests are called, and you've got yourself a money-maker.

The real Smurls and their kids

Now this supposedly follows the wild adventures of Jack and Janet Smurl and their children. In the 50's Janet is scared by a haunted house but represses this (okay, basic psychology is already at work here) until she is grown and her family and her in-laws move into an old duplex. Spooky things happen right away (oh I'm scared now) like stains on the wall that after being painted over reappears (gee, I've never known a mildew stain to do that - oh wait a minute, yes I have, lots of times), items that disappear then reappear (that's called misplacing your stuff folks) and scotch tape that (gasp) ends up in the fridge instead of the counter where she put it. Of course the fact that she's harried and hurried and has been making lunches for the kids doesn't mean she put it there by accident so it must be spirits, right?

The fake Smurls in their fake movie

If you're getting the idea that I call BS on this whole thing, you're right. Anyone with a basic knowledge of the Bible will look at this and come to the same conclusion. These people wanted to make money. Demons and ghosts were getting very popular and so tada - let's make a haunted house. I say they also ripped off other stories because a lot of the same elements or situations are present here. You have the Catholic priest who cannot do anything and the diocese forbids him to help (The Exorcist, The Amityville Horror), you have the simple events escalating to preposterous proportions in order to 'dramatize' the story (pick any movie, you'll be right). Oh, and you have the Episcopalian priest who is a lapsed Catholic (Father Damen come to mind anyone?) who tries his best at an exorcism and of course fails. But at least he doesn't fall down the stairs, break his neck, somehow be possessed by an executed criminal just to show up in The Exorcist III. Another funny part (because I find all these funny) is that there are crosses on all the walls all over the house, yet people think holding tiny crosses in their hands as they walk around is some great kind of protection - it never is. Oh and the religious as well as demon experts claim that the demons and ghosts (there are supposedly both kinds there, a nice mix) are there to 'destroy your family so you must keep your family together'. Oh come on, that's almost a direct quote from Poltergeist. At least say something original.


So the Smurls (I kept calling them Smurfs, it fit better) claim that since the late 70's, things have been happening. Do they move? Oh no, that wouldn't make a good story. Instead they muck it up with references to the house supposedly being on top of a collapsed mine (the connection never gets made, so don't expect logic from any of this), women in Puritan uniforms walking around, a black smoke moving around the house, bad smells (yeah, old houses never have any bad smells) and appliances, wiring and fixtures going bad. In an old house. Just shocking. Oh, and grandma is sick and 'wouldn't survive another move' but apparently she's supposed to survive being tormented by demons and spirits. I'm desperate for the fast forward button but with no close captioning it's hard to understand their mumbles anyway so I was stuck. 

Okay, you'll have to leave, your checks all bounced.

The really funny parts? The 'facts' I learned from this movie that I've never heard before - I wonder why? The Catholic Church wouldn't let the priest help because the 'Church has to become more modern and that means not believing in spirits' (Really? That's odd because both God and Satan are spirits, as are all the angels and demons. Huh.). Oh, and the smell of roses means that you have God's blessing. I guess that means if you feel particularly bad, go to a rose garden and breath God's blessing in deep. Ha! I guess that's why they always say to take time to 'stop and smell the roses' (small joke courtesy of the hubby).


So the Smurfs (sorry, Smurls) stay throughout the 80's and things supposedly escalate to the point they want to go to the press (read make some money) but the church advises against it. Why? Cause they failed to do anything - that's really bad press even if you're not supposed to believe in spirits anymore. We're tormented with more 'phenomena' (Seeing this you will get where Paranormal Activity gets their ideas. ALL of them.) happening to all members of the family as they refuse to move and they decide to go to the press to.... I dunno, get an agent and get their money faster I guess. That backfires as a media circus camps out in their front yard (major duh on their part) and they finally beg them to go away. Even though they are still bothered, they stay until 1987 when they finally move - not because of spirits, but because of the press. Massive duh. And guess what? Granny survived the move just fine. But I guess they didn't feel their story was long enough and kept this up until 1989 when I guess they felt they had enough material. The claim is another Priest (denomination unknown) performed yet another exorcism on the new house and all was well. And a book was written. And this crappy movie was made. And you don't have to watch it. Besides, you've basically already seen it if you've been watching movies in the 70's and 80's. Massive duh quotient.