I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Movies That Should Have Been Great But Get Mucked Up




Machete (2010)


I love Grindhouse. I've reviewed both movies made in the 'back at the drive-in' style: Death Proof and Planet Terror. So when a trailer appears at the beginning of Planet Terror about a movie named Machete starring Danny Trejo, I was looking forward to it. Unfortunately, the trailer was a fake. Fortunately, it was such a popular fake that Robert Rodriguez, producer of Grindhouse movies, decided to make it anyway. Unfortunately they didn't make it in Grindhouse style. Danny Trejo is just so damn cool. I will watch any movie with him in it, no matter how small his part - oops, wait, there was one exception. He appeared for God knows what reason briefly in Bubble Boy (2001) with Jake Gyllenhaal so I watched the part with him in it before getting that horrid thing off my DVR. BUT other than that, yeah, if he's in it, I'll watch it. When the movie came out, I couldn't wait. It COULD have been the biggest blockbuster movie starring a Hispanic actor thus far. Could have been. Much as I liked the movie, being me and liking to pick things apart, I couldn't help notice how they packed the damn thing with B actors, has-been actors and pseudo actors so much it took a lot of focus away from Danny. Plus, there was a heavy handed social and political agenda to it that made it difficult to watch no matter what side of the 'fence' you happen to be on (I'll explain that one later).

Knives? What knives?

The story revolves around Machete Cortez (Danny Trejo), a former Mexican Federale. The film opens in Mexico with Machete on a mission to rescue a kidnapped girl. During the operation he is betrayed to the powerful drug lord, Rogelio Torrez (Steven Seagal, pretty sad looking for a former action star, who only seems to know a few Spanish curse words) who kills Machete's wife and daughter, before leaving him for dead. Skip ahead skip ahead Machete is an undocumented worker in Texas (it starts already) hiring himself out for any kind of work. He hangs out with a whole mess of others who are also undocumented, protected by the 'Network' run by someone known only as 'She' who tries to keep these people out of the hands of the ICE, especially Agent Sartana Rivera (Jessica Alba) who in real life IS half Mexican believe it or not.

If I'm so handsome, why am I always a scumbag?

One hot day, Machete is approached by Michael Booth (Jeff Fahey, another guy who will be gorgeous even if he lives to be 100), who lures Machete into a job by telling him that a corrupt State Senator McLaughlin (Robert De Niro) is sending hundreds of illegal immigrants out of the country. In order to stop this, Booth offers Machete $150,000 to kill McLaughlin. Machete accepts the murder contract after Booth threatens to kill him if he refuses. But of course, Machete is betrayed. As he trains the rifle on the Senator he happens to catch sight of another gunman trained on HIM. Machete is shot in the shoulder, then the other gunman shoots the Senator in the leg. They of course all point at Machete and say in effect see? A Mexican just tried to kill the Senator. Heavy heavy heavy handed this is. We get the point. The whole setup is so the Senator can get a secure border set up between the US and Mexico (Sound familiar folks? Told you it doesn't matter what side of the 'fence' you're on, you can't really agree with either side).

FIRST I'll make the tacos, THEN I'll free my people.

Agent Rivera is sent to capture Machete (Oh, and it's annoying that the Americans keep calling him ma-shet-tay but the Hispanics call him ma-chet-tay. It just seems like we're further separating the two sides, ya know?). He tells her the truth and eventually she believes him. He contacts Luz, who is actually 'She' (Michelle Rodriguez) for help and then goes to see his brother. His brother is a Catholic Priest (naturally) named Padre (Cheech Marin). Oh now THAT'S original. 

Sorry, you don't get to see me naked either.

He then decides to get back at Michael by kidnapping his wife and daughter (Played by Lindsay Lohan who finally gets to stretch out her acting skills by being a drug addict slut... oh, wait a minute, never mind.) and makes a 'home movie' of the three of them, uh, enjoying a skinny dip in the pool. Oh, before you think you get to see 'all' of Lindsay, she has that kind of magic long hair that stays pasted to her breasts, so no peaking, sorry. It is revealed that Michael is actually working for Rogelio (big surprise) who then orders a hit on Machete, after using all the Spanish he apparently knows, again pretty much curse words.

Lindsay and her 'magic' hair.

Poor Padre is cornered by Michael and the hitman Osiris (Tom Savini) and is literally nailed to a cross. What they don't know is he has hidden cameras all over the church, recording the whole thing. Duh. Oh, sorry, I mean how clever. I did like this movie, but by this time, with all the different people and places and issues even I'm getting a little lost. The news of the Senator's corruption and faked assassination is eventually aired on national television. So of course, logically, he shoots Michael. That will clear his name right up. He then decides he's going to kill Machete himself. Machete finds Michael before he dies who tells him what has happened. Michael asks 'Where are my wife and daughter?' Machete says 'With God' (he dumped them, alive, at the church - still naked). Michael, thinking that means they're dead says 'Well, I guess I won't be seeing them then.' Now THAT was almost funny. But then I have a weird sense of humor. Machete then gathers the Network together in a effort to kill the Senator for real this time (See? You really can't get completely on either side of this.) who's at the base of the border patrol vigilantes who have been killing those crossing the border (men, women, children, they don't care) led by Von Jackson (a bloated and almost unrecognizable Don Johnson).

Okay, we'll fight but not so fast, I just ate.

During this confrontation, the Mexican immigrants triumph over the border vigilantes. Von tries to escape, but Luz shoots him in the back of the head. Machete fights Rogelio with swords, wounding but not killing him. Not content with this (or a chance to really overact this scene) Rogelio finishes himself off by twisting the sword back and forth until he collapses. Yikes. Somehow Lindsay Lohan woke up, found a nurses habit (HA!) and shoots the Senator after she finds out he killed her father. The Senator, injured but still alive makes it to the border, but his own guys (those left alive anyway) mistake him for a Mexican and shoot him dead. The film ends with Machete meeting with Sartana, who gives him a green card. They kiss, and ride off into the night on his motorcycle.


Okay, they got ambitious with this film and announced that it was the first of a trilogy. Never NEVER do that. It's like a jinx that almost always goes bad and you never hear of it again.

What do you mean I need a license to ride?

But, in the works supposedly is Machette Kills. I want to see it - but they announced the cast will include Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen. Sigh. C'mon, can't Danny have a bit of spotlight on his own for crying out loud? But - I will probably see it because... I watch 'em so you don't have to.