I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

Just Some Little Things I Would Like In My Horror Movies


I hate being sick and tired but unable to sleep. One night is bad, but when it happens several nights or a whole week it's - torture. Which is why I have my computer, my comics and my horror movies. I've said I can pretty much write my own, and I still think I can at least come up with familiar sounding ones that I could have made as my 'own'. But being awake and miserable, you do what you can to fall asleep. So I started thinking about what I'd like in horror films, kind of like counting sheep, thinking that would knock me out. Instead it just revved up my brain and here I am. So this is what I would like to see in a horror film:

• A girl is being chased through a dense forest. She is wearing sturdy clothing and sensible running shoes. She neither trips, nor runs face first into a tree. She is only caught by the slasher/psycho/monster if it is faster than she is. Same rules for guys, but they have to stop whimpering like little girls.

• A man/woman walks through a dark house with a flashlight. They walk briskly, instead of at a snail's pace. At no time do they ever say 'Is there anyone there?' or 'Hello?' - penalty is instant and horrific death.

• At the end when the slasher/psycho/monster is revealed it is NOT an escaped mental patient with a thirst for revenge against anyone, a 'friend' of all the ones who have been killed, or some made-up weirdo that couldn't possibly exist in any world. Make the killer a parent, a cop, somebody who honestly would have reason to have snotty brats that usually populate these movies die horribly.

• When the slasher/psycho/monster is killed by the surviving cast members, it STAYS dead. There is no sequel.

• There used to be pick-your-own-ending books. You got to choose which way you wanted your story to go. I want a movie that way too. Of course, that would make most of the movies I watch about ten minutes long.

• Having sex does not equal instant death.

• Not having sex does not guarantee living until the end of the movie.

• Teenagers are actually teenagers (not people in their mid-twenties), blemishes and all, and are rarely rich, but plain kids who drive Ford Escorts and wear clothes from Ross or Wal Mart.

• Old houses are what old houses are - charming. They make noises because they are old, not because something sinister resides within the walls. Pipes make noise, electricity is erratic due to bad wiring, and the only scary thing about them is spiders.

That's good for a start - if you can think of something you'd like to see in a horror movie, let me know.