OH BLOODY HELL I HATE MY FREAKING BRAIN!!!




Sorry my faithful readers - I got so used to signing my posts off with a link to the Facebook horror page and my moniker that when I took the page down I kind of... didn't take it off here.

If you've tried to visit it and it says it's broken - yup. I thought I'd wait a bit (it's there, just unpublished) before I dumped the whole thing but still - it doesn't need to be here. So:

https://www.facebook.com/dumbandboringmovies

Will now be plain ole'

Aaaand my brain is mush - rest well and keep watching and reading.

ALL THE RIGHT FRIENDS IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES - SO YEAH, WE'RE GOING DOWN - THEY'VE GOT ALL THE RIGHT MOVES AND ALL THE RIGHT FACES - SO YEAH, WE'RE GOING DOWN

(With apologies to OneRepublic)

This means nothing, I just like it...

Movies? Am I Going To Write About Movies?

Yes and no. Yes, I have a ton of 'em ready to go... okay, so not so ready, but in the works, plus a few updates PLUS updating the blog. That is going more slowly than I hoped since I lost Miss Mayhem. 

Ya know, I like not doing the Facebook Thorazine shuffle anymore, but Miss Mayhem (aka Mirabeth Silver) is not feeling the love over here in Googleland. She only uses Google for her email, but the other day she said she hit the +Mirabeth in the upper right hand corner by accident and found out that Google has decided that her name is not real.

That's right, my friend is a ghost, a specter, a nice frozen popcicle treat - but not a person. Her 'profile' (which she'd never seen nor used) was suspended pending appeal. She was supposed to send them info showing people she interacted with and where, like Google couldn't find her on their photo map or something. She didn't do anything since mail is all she needs and she got a second notice saying her appeal had been denied. She is NOT real.

So my Puff-The-Magic-Dragon friend has been looking at a bunch of other names that people use and kind of, well, whining about it. Can't blame her. Here are some actual names (partial, I don't want any trouble now) appearing on Facebook (and to get those accounts they have to have an email somewhere so... some have to be from Google):

Gamegirl

Mci

Villagelife (this actually is a LOT of people - in different forms and spellings)

Lordof Sin-City (I'm not worried about that one - come and get me)

Crazygamingaddict

GamesOnly

Olv Mtn Candy Crush

Theris Sunshineandhopeforever

I don't think Mirabeth has too much to worry about.

What? Oh yeah, the movies. I've mentioned that I'm trying to become an artist, yes? Have you ever watched a how-to video with a teacher that assumes you totally already know what he's talking about when you've never done it before?

We're not talking about Bob Ross, the gentleman with the 'happy little bushes' that we used to love to watch him paint so effortlessly. We're talking about a know-it-all dude whose lessons so far have taught me that I am a total blithering idiot. I've gotten as far as a blueish sky, an oval ground and some shady holes. I think he's having us draw a moon. It certainly isn't a person. Sigh.

Also, someone on my empty Facebook page (she's still a friend, I just don't see her stuff) mentioned on her page about a new internet program for "free" learning on how to write computer code. That is something I've wanted to learn, being stuck at home a source of income would be nice. Just a little hitch though. You learn for a month, decide what you want to learn (anything from programming apps for Androids to your basic C+ stuff), and THEN you pay them money. The amount depends on how MUCH you want to learn and how fast. Huh, what a surprise.

So back to the movies. There's gonna be World War Z (I get nauseous just typing that), Evidence (ditto),  Oculus (a boy, a girl, a mirror, a headache), The Club (a Canadian attempt at horror from 1994 - an update on a movie I'd already reviewed), Night Of The Creeps (a pretty neat 80's creature feature that was so bad it was good), plus the horrible, horrible stuff Full Moon Streaming considers cinema (A little PMS Cop anyone?).




So for now it's back to bed with my stiff and overtaxed self, finding a nice "You're real to me sweetie" card for Mirabeth, and hopefully some good bad stuff coming to this blog near you....

Oh, and seeing how we're approaching 91,000 readers, let me say in advance that it is an honor and a privilege to be able to write something that somebody somewhere is enjoying, or at least looking at. Thank you!

YOU WANT HOW MUCH FOR WHAT AND YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU'RE WORTH THAT? REALLY? I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE... REALLY?

You Get What You Pay For - Or Not


If you are a fan of horror movies like I am, then you probably are familiar with what is considered the number one horror magazine since 1979, called Fangoria. If you haven't seen it before, give it a look. Of course these days, it also has a website as well as a Facebook page. It was from this Facebook page (yes, I still go there from time to time) that I saw an interesting offer.



Fangoria was kind enough to provide notice (you can't really call it an endorsement, since I'm sure they received nothing for it) of a new horror movie streaming service - Full Moon Features (or Productions or Entertainment - depends on what article you read). I later learned that this was not a new service at all, it has been there for some time. I don't know why Fangoria would print something about it - I don't think they checked it out first.

If you're not familiar with that particular company, think Demonic Dolls, Puppet Master, hell think of any horrible, horrible horror movie that was massively, massively cheap and you've probably got yourself a Full Moon movie or one of their offshoots in your hands. I checked it out. This streaming service is self-described as a kind of Netflix for B-movie and cult flick fiends.



It's like Netflix all right – because they charge you money. They want $6.99 per month for the privilege of watching crap without close captioning or steady streaming. They offered a free week (ending June 24, 2014) as long as you register a credit card with them. Usually I run far, far away from those types of services, but because they were in Fangoria, I gave them a shot. They failed in the first five minutes.

First failure: the website refuse to load. My computer system's movie streaming usually is instant, especially when I'm using Google Chrome. However, this time I sat watching a little circle going lazily to the left (this is not a good sign) for the longest time before I got an error message. I waited a couple of minutes, and tried again. 


After an interminably long time, the damn website loaded. I reluctantly entered my information. I picked my first movie. It did not run. This particular website offers you the option of low, medium, high, and high definition (I have no idea what the difference between high and high definition is) and I tried each one of those options trying to get that movie to work. Nope. I wrote to their so-called support and told them that their website did not work.

The next day, I got an email from somebody who explained to me that because of Fangoria, their website experienced technical difficulties which their technicians have since fixed. Number one, it's really not very nice to blame the company that gives you free advertising. Number two, I am not at computer expert, but I do know that a if a website won't load it's because it can't handle the amount of traffic it's experiencing. Second failure.


Already figuring out that they probably had a high volume of users at night, I decided to try a movie in the early morning hours (4:00 a.m. PT). Guess what friends? It didn't help. Even if you can get the website to load, login, and actually get a movie on the screen, your struggles are not over. Failure number three. The first movie I attempted to watch stuttered, stopped, restarted itself several times, and generally was a massive pain in the ass just to try to see a horrible, horrible movie. 


I tried every definition they offered, and that did not make any difference whatsoever. Now I have a good computer system. It plays movies like a charm on Netflix. In fact, when I watch movies on Netflix, I can have other Windows open all I want – I can text, I can Facebook, I can look at other things, and still Netflix will continue to run without a hiccup. That is a quality streaming service that I am willing to pay for. The monthly fee for Netflix (for those who are grandfathered in) is $7.95 per month. 

I hear Netflix is going to raise their rates a whole dollar. $8.95 per month is still a freaking sweet deal for a service that not only works, but will give you close captioning when you need it. Believe you me, people, I need it. Now people have complained it doesn't have the best of selections, however, for the money it has plenty for me.



Coming up are reviews of those horrible movies that were approximately 90 minutes apiece and yet took me three hours to watch because of their horrible streaming. And they want $6.95 for the privilege. People let me give you a warning – Full Moon and its affiliates do not have that many movies. Even under its other names such as Wizard Studios, Moonbeam, Grindhouse (and don't ask me how they managed to get a hold of those), merchandise for their own movies, plus of course selling DVDs of their movies, it still doesn't amount to much. 

On their advertisement it says dozens and dozens of movies. Well, I guess 24 and slightly above is more than two dozen. That would be dozens and dozens, right? And if you're like me and have watched B movies for years, you've probably already seen most of these anyway. It does boast a re-mastering of the classic Puppet Master, but you can find that movie on other sites. You do not have to come here.

The service offers a quick way to cancel your subscription, saying you still will have the rest of whatever time you have paid for, however when I canceled, that was the end of the movies. I would've had to sign up again in order to watch and I was not about to do that.



Do what you like, try what you like, but be warned: This website seems to have an agenda besides selling DVDs and other merchandise. They also want to sell you what is called Roku. I had no idea what that was, so I had to look it up. Depending on how much you want to spend, anywhere from $50-$100, Roku seems to simply be some sort of memory stick that supposedly smoothly streams movies. So besides paying $6.99 a month, they want you to buy these little gadgets to watch their garbage with. 

Now the following is from a forum I looked up about this relationship and I found a complaint plus allegations against Charles Band (supposed owner of all of this mess). Yes, Full Moon wants you to buy Roku. No, that does not guarantee that your movies will work. One who had one and tried to watch the movies said each movie needed a different 'setting' or it wouldn't play right. Hmm.

This is hearsay but hey, never stopped me before. Charles Band has been accused of reprinting old Wizard Label video boxes and selling the VHS tapes for $50. Other sites also link people who have different claims but it all adds up to one general accusation: Charles Band is not a particularly likable guy. I looked several places on the internet and there are pages of different people blasting him and his business practices. 'Nuff said about him.

And folks, these movies are garbage. Yes, I really liked Puppet Master, and there are others silly B movies that are fun to watch, but not here. Save yourself some real frustration and a whole lot of excuses. If one of these movies you really, really like, buy the damn thing. Do not subject yourself to the torture that is Full Moon streaming. Just for some validation, I went back to the Fangoria Facebook page to see what other people said. Some were excited, but obviously had not started yet. 

Those that had, complained as I did that the site would not load. Others who I suspect worked for Full Moon, suggested buying that damned Roku stick or gadget, depending on how much you wanted to spend. Apparently, many have been burned by this company. I do not plan to be one of them, and I would advise that you do not either.

THE ANNIVERSARY OF A LOUD-MOUTHED BAD HORROR MOVIE KNOW-IT-ALL BLOGGER

Thank You My Dear Hubby For Reminding Me

Today marks two years that I've been at this little venture, which my husband was kind enough to put on my calendar on my phone, otherwise, like last year, I would totally have missed it.

We've had good responses, some bad ones, but never evil ones... I wonder where all the trolls are hiding... hmm. Must be waiting for some new article about some tragedy they can point and laugh at just for the gratification of a bunch of indignant people paying them some attention...

Yup, on June 19, 2012 I took the plunge and, with the help of a friend who knows about this kind of stuff (and over two years I have learned quite a bit on my own) here's what I started with:

A little bit about me: 

I've always loved to read. My favorites were always the bizarre, the scary, the unreal. Writers like the recently departed Ray Bradbury were my absolute heroes and I wanted to be a writer like they were. But time marches on, physical circumstances change and now although I still love books, I can't devour an entire Stephen King novel in a day like I used to. So I watch movies. A LOT of movies. Oh, TV shows too but I prefer movies.


Now of course that picture is NOT me. It is of a certain singer of a certain band who I was totally obsessed with for way too long of a period of time who decided one day he was bored and the band broke up. I no longer obsess over any one band anymore and have mostly gone back to my favorite type of music, reaching back into the '90s - grunge (you may laugh now).

Rest assured - Charles Band WILL be pissed...

So what's next? Well, I DO have a comic strip (or anime if I <laughs sarcastically> get really good at the animation program) planned out, I have stretched my repertoire to include some sci-fi, some new horror, and even a comedy or two. I have attempted to include several streaming services but, except for Netflix, all have failed miserably (a total summary of my new experiences with the HORRIBLE Full Moon pictures streaming service is in the works - should be complete in a couple of days).

It only gets this bad when the cats play with them...

I have watched movies from other peoples websites (and only been attacked by the FBI scam once - and thankfully shut down before they could get their hooks set and lock up my computer), and I have a growing pile of classic and not-so-classic DVD's by my feet (gonna have to build a shelf for those one of these days) that need to be watched and, more importantly, made fun of.

A HUGE thank you to all those who have stuck with this blog (89,000 by the time you read this) and I promise to continue to improve and hopefully, most of all, to entertain. And thank you Jack White. What? Why am I thanking Jack White? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought everybody was supposed to now - isn't it a law or something? Anywho, a big politically correct hug <pfffft> to all of you wonderful readers and keep alert, this blog may get better...

THE SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING

Eulogy For Miss Murder's Dungeon Of Horror

Well, my hands are blistered from digging and the ground was hard and rocky, but the Facebook page for Miss Murder's Dungeon Of Horror is no more. I was going to give it one more week, but decided enough was enough, and when Facebook just changed the whole page format without telling me (it was one of those "do it now or we'll do it for you in two weeks" kind of thing) it was time to just let it go.

Okay, it's not that dramatic. In fact, it was a 'If a page dies on Facebook and no one ever looked at it, does it make a sound?' kind of thing. Not a freaking person cared. BUT that, while being a bit of an ego deflator, doesn't really make me feel too bad, and hopefully more movies will be added here (and the rest of the blog entries properly categorized and sorted).

What pisses me off though is losing Miss Mayhem - again. Not pissed AT her, but that what should have been a lot of fun for the both of us turned into more of an ordeal - a lot of work with little thanks, no respect, and a good kid being turned off the idea of becoming a reviewer of movies.

Well dammit, you guys have been more than terrific (over 87,000 readers still blows my mind) and, unlike Facebook, this isn't a game of popularity or how much money I can afford to 'buy' my readers - you either read or you don't, it's not a contest. That and it took hours to find content to 'interest' readers - quizzes, trivia, movie information, and of course, links to new movie reviews on this site. All for just about nothing.

Nope, not nothing. Got experience. And ideas. So maybe... well, I've been thinking (uh oh). I whine a lot on my blog ('cause it's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to) about being sick, not being able to do things, not being able to type, blah blah blah... you didn't come here for that. So what about that blog I've been blabbing about, a Fibro blog? There's probably a billion of 'em out there but mine isn't yet. Plus I've been wanting to a comic strip.

This is just an example. For reasons you don't want to
hear, I was not graced with a single piece of her art. Ever.

My grandmother was an artist. She painted some things that frankly scared the hell out of me when I was young, but when it came to seascapes (they lived near the Pacific coast), hers could proudly be on any hotel wall... just kidding, her talent was incredible. She could take a pen, and without hesitation create pictures with tiny dots - it's called pointillism - that were not only detailed and true to scale, but freaking sweet.

I, however, cannot draw a straight line if a knife was held to my throat and a gun to my head (Woof, where did THAT come from?). I tried and failed many times in my youth - a guy I had an incredible, obsessive crush on (it's okay, he's a safe distance now) could not only draw, but could make detailed schematics of things - dunno if he still does. We don't really speak.

This is the extent of my creative juices and is only possible with the grace of Microsoft Paint:

You may laugh now if you wish - and I don't mean at the lame joke. So I found a program called - what? If I name it they'll want publishing credit? Screw that, this week's been corporate crap as it is... 

Point being (FINALLY) that I'm breaking for about a week to keep working on re-arranging the blog so movies, actors, and subjects can be found easier AND learn an incredibly detailed program (on my first attempt my character became a lump of Play-Doh in about 30 seconds) so that I can have my gripe and you can have your movies. Sound fair?

WHERE'S OUR MOVIES YOU LAZY LIE ABED WORTHLESS SHELL OF A HUMAN BEING!!! (PLEASE?)



Boy, You Guys Are Tough!

Before I bow at your feet, I wanted to let you know about something totally cool (if the media hasn't done it to death already). We just reviewed the documentary Dear Mr. Watterson and then learned that he actually likes the strip (we love it too) Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis. In fact, he thought it would be 'neat' if he could slip a few days of his art into it. 

After Pastis cleaned up all the drool, they worked out the kinks. They decided it would be best if Pastis briefly introduced "Libby" (a loose form of Billy) as a second grader who could draw better than Pastis. The only catch was that Watterson didn't want anyone to know until all the strips had been printed. And they have. To catch this wonderful mesh from the start, go to:

http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2014/06/02

Two strips introduce her, the next three strips include Watterson's work... enjoy!

Just a quick update to let you guys know when to expect new movies. Actually, if you think about it, the efforts we've put into updating this blog might be considered bringing you "new" movies if you didn't know we had them. And there's been a couple (JUST a couple) that I've had to completely redo as I read over the review, shook my head, and wondered what kind of painkillers I'd been on that day. 

I also rechecked and updated an entry I did on Screampix. That is a movie channel (pffft) offered on YouTube for $2.99 per month.

They now call themselves Screambox (pffffffffft) but the movies, moderator, and bullcrap are all the same. I checked some of the mail from users - 'not available in my country', 'won't play', etc. - all the same stuff I was complaining about (before he started deleting my comments of course). The movies? Same wooden acting in $500 movies that you wouldn't throw a nickel (or 3p or whatever) at.

There were also a couple of movies I originally had glossed over that I re-visited and did a better review on - one of them being V/H/S, which I thought a muddled mess until I saw V/H/S 2 (a couple of times) and realized there was a story going on outside of the tapes which my drugged brain hadn't registered apparently... I left the original date on them but you can easily find what you're looking for using either the search bar or scanning the Labels section (which is getting pretty freaking loooooong) for a title, an actor, or a subject.

I printed just the other day about us getting caught in the "FBI MoneyPak Virus" and getting out just in time not to have to re-do everything on the computer. Since then we've been a bit leery about using anything, but you know, that's just giving in and we're not going to do that. But I did find this interesting. 

I get TONS of emails - lots of 'em junk. If you're not careful and you're used to getting a lot of junk, how do you tell the legit ones from the phish? That's why I like Naked Security From Sophos. Check their site out - they're not just an American scam investigator (in fact, from their spelling and other clues they must be in the UK) so their advice is good for many countries.   www.nakedsecurity.sophos.com

'Cause we are all getting smart about not clicking links or opening attachments of strange emails - so the crooks are trying to get smarter.  

http://nakedsecurity.sophos.com/2014/06/06/phish-or-legit-can-you-tell-the-difference/?utm_source=Naked+Security+-+Sophos+List&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=f882a52cae-naked%252Bsecurity&utm_term=0_31623bb782-f882a52cae-455033573

WHAT IN THE EVER-LOVING HOLY HELL HAPPENED TO MY COMPUTER??? WHAT KIDDIE PORN? WHAT BOOTLEG SOFTWARE? WHAT'S ZOOPHILIA? THE FBI'S AT MY DOOR??? MY BROWSER AND MY COMPUTER HAS BEEN LOCKED??? WHAT. THE. HELL!



The FBI MoneyPak Virus

Yesterday was not a good day for yours truly. I had a movie review in process, had everything mapped out, found out the information I needed, and was in the process of trying something new. I had decided to try to dictate notes as I went along watching the movie. The movie was a kind of confusing one - two stories in one, but it's one that has been talked about to death in almost every horror website I've seen. No sweat.

So I am talking and I'm watching. It's going swell. Things are even spelling as they should. Words such as volute, cool brick (okay, okay, so it's still cannot recognize me saying Kubrick worth a damn), and the name of the movie, Oculus. Everything was easy–peasy. I was using a site that I always use because it is the most reliable, and I've been using it almost since the start of this blog.

Suddenly, my world turn to shit! A new window opened in my browser, informing me that my browser was now locked because I had violated federal laws, which possibly included the infractions listed in the title of this blog. I did not even know what zoophilia was. I completely freaked. In a panic, not being able to close anything or control anything, I turned everything off. My computer didn't like that, but I didn't know what else to do.

Now, I am a careful computer user. I've used them long enough to know most of the scams. Whenever people tell me that there are free programs or free games that are easy to download and use, I usually pass. I just don't trust anybody. My current computer system came with complete security software which I will not name, plus I have no less than four extra security programs to prevent things such as pop-ups, ads, and programs that automatically download on certain websites. 

In fact, I do not visit websites unless I need information or I am on a secure shopping site. My security software usually tells me if I'm going somewhere bad and prevents it. It did not do so this time. I cannot completely condemn my software, however, because when I waited a little bit and turned up my computer back on, it loaded right up with no problem. 

Of course, life being a bitch, when I touched my computer to turn it on, my hubby happened to walk through the door, causing me to almost lose total control of everything from the waist down. I was that freaked. However, I used my security program and did a thorough scan on everything, followed by what I call a drive scrub (I think they call it an aggressive scan or something). I then tentatively opened the supposed locked browser and yes, it worked.

If you have not seen this particular scam before, it is worldwide, and therefore there are many names for it. Whatever government officials regulate the Internet in your country, that is what you will probably see for this particular scam. At first they kept it fairly simple. They presented themselves as some sort of authority, said that your system had been locked, and demanded an immediate sum for its release. This is known as ransomware. 

The reason why it's still around, is that the process for removing it can be almost as expensive as just paying the ransom. As more and more hackers realize that this worked great, more and more different types of scams appeared, but they all have the same basic elements: They claim to be an official source, they claim you have violated federal laws that enable them to seize your computer - laptop - phone until the so-called fine is paid. They then added the extra words, "If you do not pay immediately, you are subject to arrest".

The current (for this week anyway) scam is that the FBI has determined you have broken the law. The money demand has been raised - it used to be for $100, now you can see as much as $300 (USD). So what is a MoneyPak? One must go down to a certain store (they are gracious enough to list them for you) to get a blank debit card. The cashier adds cash directly to the card at the register. A service fee will be added. 

Then you go back home, and on a keypad the scammers so graciously provide you on your computer screen, you give them the number off the card and poof! There goes your $300. Now, since paying a security company to unlock your computer can cost you plenty, some figure what the hell - just pay the ransom.

There's a problem with that, however. What will prevent those hackers from simply locking you out again in a day, a week, or whenever they want? Pay them once, and you will be paying again. Get a security company or your security software provider to give you a means of removing it yourself. It may cost you, it may not. In the end, however, you will have a way to recover your computer, no matter how many times this little trick is played on you.


Needless to say, I am in absolutely no mood to post the review right now. It took several hours to get my computer cleaned up and back on track. I then went on Facebook, figuring to warn the people that never read my posts anyway of this danger, and I had a screenshot of what they might see. 

I also provided a link to a site that gives advice on this scam. Again, needless to say, nobody cared. That's why I don't really Facebook anymore. And when did Facebook become a verb? I Facebook, you Facebook, they Facebook? Really?

Oh, and for a final piss-off, when I posted it to my Facebook horror page, they informed me that my page had been changed. A complete format change. Now, when I decided that the horror page just wasn't working out and decided also to only use it to announce new blog entries, I spent several days cleaning that sucker out. 

Ooooh, greeeen...

No more quizzes, no more pictures, no more trivia, no more trying to get people more interested in my page than in a page about an airport carpet. You think I'm kidding, don't you? On Facebook, there is a page for the Portland, Oregon airport carpet. No shit. That page has 264 likes. I have 59. What's on this carpet page? Pictures of carpet, DUH! Oh yes, it also has pictures of objects sitting on the carpet. If you don't believe me…

Oh yeah - I cleaned up the horror page. It was simple, it looked good, it worked... now it absolutely SUCKS. Everything is squished to one column and the other column has useless information for a public page - it's what you'd see on a personal page. Why the hell...

So be extra careful out there, make sure you have good security software (though I did get slammed even though I have it), don't go to strange sites unless they are verified, and don't be guilty of zoophilia, what ever the hell that is. I'm going to bed.

Oh wait... the site you might want to check out that could be a lifesaver is called Naked Security (giggle all you want to, go ahead) who keep track of these things in many countries - and their site is secure (and looks like this):

https://nakedsecurity.sophos.com/

Or you could look them up on Facebook... if you still Facebook (wait 'til this word becomes an adjective - then you could say "You rotten Facebooking creep!")...

WHERE CAN I FIND ME ONE OF THEM FANCY SCHMANCY SWORDS? I GOT ME SOME WEEDS THAT NEED CUTTIN'...




Kill Bill 1 and 2 (2003, 2004)

I'm in a particularly foul mood today, so finishing this review that I started a week ago (or something like that) is perfectly masochistic of me. At least Bill would have thought so.

To those not in the know, I am ill. It is permanent and thanks to the US and its brilliant health care system, I am without insurance. I'm not looking for sympathy - the responses are always either 'Some children will never get to the age of...' or 'You think you've got it so bad but I...'. You can't win those. Ever. If I had the stamina, I'd design a family game (for four players or more so your friends can join in). 

The Game Of 'Life Sucks'...

The rules: A normal looking game board and pieces. You roll the dice to go forward and land on a symptom. You draw a card to get a disease. You then have 30 seconds to pantomime to your family (and/or friends) what you are suffering from. If before that time ends one guesses and says the words "I have/had that! Mine was worse!" they win. You feel worse but all the other players feel a little better. It's not fair, but it's life. 

I saw the one doc I have left for my once a year say-it-as-fast-as-possible-because-apparently-they-all-charge-by-the-minute-now appointment. I was ready. I listed everything in under 5 minutes, including the infection in my arm. What did I get for my money? A letter - which listed everything I said and followed everything with man answers. Sorry fellas, but they were MAN ANSWERS.

• You cut down on sweets and fat but still gained weight? Try to lose weight better.
• You have an infection in your arm that is under control? See a doctor if it gets out of control. (Who was he again?)
• You have an appointment to see your psych? Go see your psych.
• You have an appointment this year at the county health clinic? Go to the health clinic.
• You need a cholesterol check for the year? Go get your cholesterol checked.

You can imagine my reaction. I don't care if you're female or male - this would piss you off, wouldn't it? Oh and no, I don't have a psych anymore. She's THERE, but she's not mine. Once a year with the hubby we see her for 15 minutes in order for me to get my meds. What exactly can I tell her in that time that will be clear enough for her to diagnose.... pfft, never mind.

If there was ONE thing I carried away from this past week, it's that my time is shorter than I thought and the projects I wanted to do better be started now. Screw freaking Facebook and its constant errors, changes, 'free' games that are never free (or that just plain crash if you try to block all their ads), and so-called 'friends' that never talk to me anyway. And the news articles that "trend" - pffffft!

This is a real person - at least what guts she
has left are hers. Her name is Valeria Lukyanova
and she has had <ahem> several surgeries in
her attempt to become a human Barbie 
Doll. Is this really what you guys want???...

You wanna know what one was this week? "Gorgeous Celebrities With Ugly Mates". I was already pissed so I thought meh, might as well see... oh hell no! These 'ugly' people were gorgeous! Maybe not beauty magazine cover material, but they looked wonderful! In one example, a handsome male movie star was credited for sticking with his wife "despite her ever-expanding waistline." Things went red and I don't remember much after that...

I've always wanted to start a comic strip - my drawing skills are... meh. But that's what computers are for, right? And there's that novel I've had going for...

Hmm? Oh, the MOVIE. I was going to use my notes to try to condense over four hours of movie down to a shortened review, not a blow-by-blow review so to speak. However, looking through them, I had roughly over an hour and a half of blathering, which doesn't make for a very short review of anything. So, going in completely blind, we start.

First, I thought having the damned thing cut into two movies was stupid - it just encouraged Twilight and Harry Potter to cash in on the 'gee we can't fit this story in one movie like everybody else' method. But that wasn't his intention nor his fault. 

Quentin Tarantino, being a big fan of Chanbara movies, martial arts, spaghetti westerns, and other movies of that type brought forth a hell of a story with a lot of swordplay as well as plain good ole' ultra violence - starring Uma Thurman. Umm, okay. He included some funny aspects in those movies as well as serious, put it together, and presented it to the Cannes Film Festival.


It got a lot of good reviews, but for it to show in America, they told him he'd have to screw it up. Okay, not screw it up, but... and they gave him a list. Damn. He was proud of his creation but to get it to theaters he chopped here, changed there, adjusted this, and that's why we have two movies.

Aspects that didn't seem to make sense now do and others that I thought were trying to be artistic weren't. The ending of the first one had to be adjusted to BE an ending, which meant there had to be an extra scene plus another extra scene to be a beginning to the second (Uma's overacting as she narrates the story thus far)...

These two movies I imagine must have frustrated more than a few moviegoers in that the storyline wasn't linear - it went back and forth, with title cards to let you know where you are in the story. I was impressed with Uma's performance, as The Bride she's in most scenes in both of the movies. That does not mean that she is alone however - besides the main characters, there must be dozens of good actors and actresses that have bit parts in both parts one and two.

The basic synopsis of Kill Bill is that there is this assassination team who do... something which they do not really explain, and one of their members, code named Black Mamba, has taken off to have a life of her own. Well that's no good for the rest of the group. They track her down, beat the ever-loving holy hell out of her, and then shoot her in the head, despite the fact she is obviously pregnant. This starts our movie.


Four years pass. The woman, known only as The Bride, wakes up for what ever reason and starts doing physically impossible things. That was my problem with these two movies, although there were some very cool aspects. It seemed the movie went from good, to no - that's not right, back to good, to excellent, to no - that's impossible, to that's just plain awful. If that sounds a little schizo, that's because this movie was schizo.

After four years in a vegetative state, she sits up gasping like everybody does who has bad dreams in movies. Uh, no. There's a little thing called orthostatic syncope (a fancy way of saying you pass out when you change position). I know of someone who was in bed not near that long and the nurses sat him up too quickly - and he promptly fainted. 

Four years? And she has stomach muscles capable of pulling her up? Nope. The following half hour or so is a major NOPE. No, she couldn't fight someone off of her, no she couldn't get out of bed, no she couldn't wheel herself out of the hospital... stuff like that was the massive duh part. Yeah, yeah I know - it's a fantasy movie but hey, it's what I do. I bitch. And I'm telling you it would take her a year or more just to walk around, much less...

And so her self-described 'rampage of revenge' begins. All of the remaining members of the 'team' have scattered and all live new lives doing something else. (Raises hand) Umm, excuse me, why was it okay for them to all go off and have new lives but they were so wildly vindictive when The Bride wanted to do it, to the point of (they thought) murdering her? (Lowers hand) You know, if I don't shut up, this WILL be the length of two movies.

Bud (brother of Bill) is now a bouncer somewhere in Arizona.

Vernita is in Pasadena, the wife of a doctor and mother of a school-age girl.

Elle... they don't really say what Elle does, but she gets a cool Firebird.

O-Ren is in Japan, busy being the head of the Yakuza.

There is a very cool (and bloody) anime sequence in the first one to explain the backstory of one of the characters - that was wicked and wonderful at the same time. Again, because of the censors he had to edit it - which is a damned shame. I mean c'mon, it's animation for crying out loud!

Which reminds me, if you plan to see these movies, I warn you, this is an homage to other film genres. However, being a Tarantino film, it also takes all the violence over the top. In fact, it was because of this that the censors required that part of the fight scene at the end of the first movie be put in black and white (blood looks better black than bright red I guess). 

I have no idea why black-and-white would be less offensive to people, I thought he was doing it to be artistic not to satisfy censors. So I'm kind of disappointed, but it still was the best kick-ass fight scene that has been in a movie for a very long time and I haven't seen much better since. And notice the suit and shoes The Bride wears during this fight? Pure Bruce Lee - except he didn't have a stunt double.

In fact I wanted the hubby to see it, although spaghetti westerns are more his thing - he didn't really like it. So I pointed out some of the reasons I did - even though there were excellent, good, poor, and just plain stupid moments in it. One major one I couldn't get over? Where did she get all the freaking money to afford all the stuff she had during this movie?

You really have to pay attention to find fault with the fight scene - but some are obvious. The physical impossibilities such as people flying through the air to sword fight, the fact that Uma is fighting about a thousand Yakuza yet they are adhering to the movie rules - circle the victim, then attack one at a time, and at times it is clearly NOT Uma in the yellow suit. 

There were the limbs being cut off, and the remaining bodies acting like fire hoses, the cool sequence done in blue lighting so you saw only silhouettes fighting, the silly sound effects (every time somebody whipped up their sword or moved their arms it sounded like a Michael Jackson video), and the 'bowling pins' sound of one sorry man hitting a table (it's there, really!).

GO HOME TO YOUR MOTHER!

And, of course, the end of the fight. After everyone is vanquished, The Bride (Uma) declares that those still alive could leave but their severed limbs now belonged to her. She's confronted by a boy who looked anywhere from 14 to 16 and gives him a proper sendoff... (see spanking above). Actually, I really liked that part.

And, because the movie was split in two, we have an ending where Bill learns she is after him. And her baby is alive. So begins movie number two. The Bride spends a couple of minutes describing the first movie, then tells the movie she has one left - Bill. We know there's some we haven't seen yet, so we wait for the title cards to tell us where we are and who's about to die.

Fresh and clean...

Aaaaaand this second installment has serious problems. It has several places where the movie just... stops. We get backstory we don't need or want, conversations that don't make a whole lot of sense, and too much gap between conflicts. But I learned something important though - if somebody throws a can of tobacco spit in your face, a nice swirly in a toilet will clean every bit of it off. Really.

But wait! We now get to know what The Bride's name is. Before if it was mentioned, it was actually bleeped out. No kidding. That's a hint by the way. And when they finally say it, there's this... scene of her (as an adult) attending grade school and answering her name when teacher takes attendance. Ha.

She catches up with Bill (after a few more movie-stopping puzzling moments that mean absolutely nothing to the story) halfway into the movie. This is a two hour movie. That's one hour left of the movie dedicated to her killing Bill without traumatizing her (now) 4 year old daughter, B.B.

Bill asks Beatrix Kiddo (c'mon, really?) if she can really kill him in front of their daughter. Sigh. Here comes some more backstory...


When Beatrix was Black Mamba, her last assassination assignment was fraught with problems - she was sick, she was vomiting, she... uh oh. After checking the infamous pee stick in her hotel room, here comes another assassin (female of course or else this, uh, scenario probably wouldn't have worked - pffft) who blasts into the room, ready to kill Kiddo... until she tells the woman that she just now, this second, found out she was pregnant. The stick and box was where she dropped it - right by the assassin's feet.

If you were a highly trained assassin... why am I asking you?

The woman gets the stick (eww) and the box. She takes a moment, not knowing how these things work (c'mon, really?) so Kiddo explains it to her. The woman asks 'What now?' and Kiddo says 'We both just go home.' And she does.

If you were a highly trained assassin... why am I asking you?

THAT'S when she moved to Texas, started a job, found a guy willing to marry her, and got him and about a dozen other strangers blown away in a hail of bullets. And her into a long coma. She was Bill's favorite and he was jealous. I'm... not touching that one.

Part one was more popular with men. Part two was more popular with women. I'm ashamed of the whole female gender for that one. Movie makers probably had the whole Twilight series mapped out and written when they found that shit out.

Does Beatrix Kiddo (pfffft) kill Bill? In four hours? And how does she do it - gun? Katana? Hand to hand combat? Or does she play it smart, make him keep the brat and take off for the Bahamas... kidding on the last one, sheesh.

For the answers to those and other burning questions...

Both are currently streaming on Netflix if you want to see why Quentin raked in roughly $334 million in the theaters and who knows how much in DVD sales...