EEEEVIL LITTLE TROLL, OR KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR ON A SILVER DRAGON FIGHTING FOR THE GOOD PEOPLE OF EARTH? I THINK - I THINK I'LL TAKE THE SECOND OPTION PLEASE...

An Overdeveloped Sense Of Shame

You've felt it. Most have. You do something you think is really cool, then torment yourself for hours (or days or months or...) about how mean you were and you really should have kept your mouth shut...

If you didn't read my blog from yesterday (Shame on you! Get it?), on pure impulse after being interrupted during yet another dinner with the hubby (I hardly get to see him and his job is pretty stressful so it always pisses me off probably more than some), on impulse I copied what I had read that another person had done who was frustrated to the gills about getting telemarketer calls despite being on the National Do Not Call Registry.

If this is an example of how you look if
you're both good and evil, hell, I'll take both!

Winging it (I'll have it written down next time, heh heh...) I proceeded to turn this annoyance into something that was pretty damned funny. Even the hubby was snickering in the background. Buuut... if you've grown up emotionally damaged by your childhood (and these days who hasn't), you have an over-developed sense of guilt. 'What did I do?' 'What am I going to do?' 'Why did I do that?' and so on. Of course those from perfectly healthy families can react that way too, I'm not saying healthy kids grow up with no conscience - but maybe their 'guilt meter' is a little more balanced.

Later that night I decided to try to find out exactly who I gave the semi-heart attack to by pretending to have contracted a hit on somebody (oh and I didn't use names or details, I'm not that stupid). There are TONS of reverse phone number checkers on Google - and don't pay a cent for one! If they ask for money, go on to the next one. This service is free from the phone company (when you can find the right place) for crying out loud. So.

The actual number belonged to Mmmmhmmm Telecommunications Company, who sold the number to the Mmmmhmmmm Company who in turn assigned it to their Mmmmmhmmm Mmmmmhmmm Company, who then used that number to call me. 'Kay.

As it turns out, I had purchased a product from that particular company earlier this year. I had indicated on my registration of the product that I did not want phone calls of updates of this product, but would welcome emails. I get emails from them every week - sometimes several times a week. I can handle that. But I felt a wee bit guilty that I had ripped into some company I actually used...

See? I'm not the only frustrated smart ass...

Until this morning. See, our landline has been registered on the do not call list for over a decade now. Our cell phones too, as soon as we got them. So there's no excuse. A sales call to someone who bought something from your company once is still a sales call and THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED if you are on the Registry. Buuuut... she (and it was probably a young 'she', trying to work her way through college and stuff or something) isn't in control of who they call. 


If you are still working for that company this morning honey, get yourself a better job. Blue collar work is a noble thing. Today, colleges have kids brainwashed that white collar jobs equal success and blue collar jobs equal failure. I worked my butt off plenty doing blue collar jobs in my lifetime. Get off yours, stop bugging people, and work. If mindless sales calls is what these companies want to bug people so much that they'll never buy a product from them ever, they can get a computer to do that.

Ahem. Sorry about that. My point, in my typical take-forever-to-get-to-the-point way is that I decided this morning to make a spreadsheet keeping track of sales calls to report to the Registry. There IS a way to make money doing this too - if you're on the registry and they call, THEY owe YOU money. If you're willing to take the time and effort to get it.

This particular company called me THREE TIMES in five days. When I saw that, all my guilt dissipated like a silent fart. I then wrote down the other calls, where they came from (some I will have to keep looking, they hide behind three or four names so it can be difficult), and what days they call. I'm gonna start keeping track of the time too. These fancy tells-me-everything phones are going to start being useful.


Oh, and I'm working on some new material too - if you're very, VERY good I may print them. Of course you are perfectly free to write your own. Just remember: Don't throw a bunch of profanity at them, keep calm (no screaming, you lose points for that), and don't say anything that will have the FBI sniffing at your doorstep.

There is one kind of call I seem to be powerless against, however. I'm sure you've experienced it too. What do you do when you're ill and sleep (or try to) when you can't function, and you have a spouse who works extremely early hours. You tell them over and over ad nauseam NOT to call, yet you STILL get phone calls from them early in the morning or late at night? If you've got any suggestions, I'd love to hear it. 

I was thinking maybe Hallmark could come up with a card with the following jingle (with one of those electronic thingamajigs playing the song):

Hey I know we're friends
And this is crazy
But lose my number
And email me okay?

And now gentle readers, yours truly is not doing well with all the heat (it was still 90 degrees at nine last night), so if I have a good horror dream I'll tell you about it - other than that, let's just take it easy and remember to flush.

Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry - I just read a news article about an airline that warned its passengers to 'flush' anything, umm, not... good before they landed. See, they knew that on the ground there would be drug sniffing dogs and police conducting searches. Nice of 'em, huh? Of course now they're in trouble, but still... <evil chuckle>




                        

HOW TO DEAL WITH ASSHOLE TELEMARKETERS WHO INSIST ON CALLING REPEATEDLY





It's Too Hot For Movies

I must confess that this is not an idea that's original to me. I was surfing, bored, and came upon a site where people were discussing different telemarketing problems (as in constant calls, calls at night or early in the morning, etc.) and there was a person there who described what he did. 

It sounded like so much fun that I tried it today. I should have written the 'script' down first, I kind of stuttered a little through it but DAMN it was funny! Here's how my conversation went and feel free to copy it or come up with a much better one.

Here's what you do. Next time you get one of those 'Unknown Caller', 'Not Provided', 'Private Number', or a call from across the country and you don't know anyone across the country (make really sure it's not a relative first or somebody's gonna cry), try something in this vein:

<Phone Rings, I pick it up on the second ring>

Me: Is it done?

She: Umm, is Shoy there?

Me: Is. It. Done? You cashed my check two weeks ago, you said it would be done.

She: Uh, I'm trying to talk to Shoy I think...

Me: Look, is he dead? You said no problem, he'd be dead. Is he dead?

She: Umm I think you have me confused...

Me: I paid you people two weeks ago! You said it would be done! Is it done?

She: What?

Me: YOU CASHED THE CHECK - IS HE DEAD YET?

She: I think that maybe you've confused me with someone else.

Me: I think you should stop calling me constantly with telemarketer calls. <click>



Okay, that was TOTALLY nasty of me but I'm still gonna write out a couple of scenarios so I'll sound smoother and I CAN'T WAIT for another telemarketer call. 'Cause let's face it, it's too hot to review a movie (Our A/C hasn't shut off except for a couple of hours in the morning and the weather is going to be that way all week).

What was MASSIVELY funny is that she's talking to someone who PAID to have someone murdered (as far as she knows) and yet she's STILL trying to stick to her telemarketing script.

Plus you know no matter how long your number's been on the National Do Not Call Registry, there's gonna be those who insist on calling you. In fact, on the main page of the Registry's website is this warning: "Scammers have been making phone calls claiming to represent the National Do Not Call Registry. The calls claim to provide an opportunity to sign up for the Registry. These calls are not coming from the Registry or the Federal Trade Commission, and you should not respond to these calls."

I've heard that some people are making a hobby out of keeping careful track of numbers and suing for money from those who call against the registry but that's too much work.

And I'm just too evil.






                        

WITH ABSOLUTE APPRECIATION AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FUN, THE BAD MOVIES, THE COMMENTS, AND, MOST OF ALL, YOU PATIENT READERS...

This was a major milestone for this blog today, July 28, 2014! I didn't think I would reach 100,000 until at least at the end of the year... but you guys are great and you keep reading and don't think I don't appreciate every one of you!

Since this blog will continue with its theme of bad horror movies (hopefully made into funny reviews) without getting too big for its britches (that means no ads to bug you guys with), I'm sure that 200,000 will come much faster than I could ever hope for.

Thank you all for reading, for watching, for helping me with some of the details, and if I was sure I knew all of you were lactose tolerant and not diabetic (and I knew all your addresses) I'd send you a cake...

Here's to bad horror and good reading!





                        

HINDSIGHT IS OBTUSE/OBTUSE; OR, HINDSIGHT IS VAPID/VAPID; OR, HINDSIGHT IS IDIOTIC/IDIOTIC; OR, HINDSIGHT IS CRETINOUS/CRETINOUS; OR, HINDSIGHT IS MORONIC/MORONIC; OR, HINDSIGHT IS... HMMM? OH, YOU GET IT? 'KAY...

Hindsight aka Expecting (2008)

First let me say that I'll be on pins and needles for the next couple of days as I noticed I have had over 99,400+ visitors and I'm biting my nails wondering when it will 'turn over' to 100,000...

I hope whoever put together this Midnight Horror: Terror & Torment package got fired. Actually I hope somebody hung him/her by their toes and flayed just a couple of inches of skin off so they would know in the future the definition of terror and torment. This is not even labeled as a horror movie, but a thriller. And it wasn't even that.


Why did I watch it? I would point at the title of my blog but I'm too tired. But it was that and three other reasons: Jeffrey Donovan, who I watched on Burn Notice (before I got tired of waiting to find out who burned him and why), Miranda Bailey, and Zach Selwyn. If you don't know those last two names friend, you've never seen Dead And Breakfast, which was a very weird but funny zombie-ish movie. Miranda played Lisa, the recordskeeper of Lovelock who owned plenty of firepower for whatever reason, and Zach Selwyn, also known as Zachariah who plays with his band The Lobos Riders, is a singer who kept the movie going with little intervals of dialogue/singing and this Thriller-like number:

You know they're dead 'cause we feel so alive when we kill, kill, kill...

A movie with a 2 million dollar budget, filmed in Santa Clarita, California, this movie is about a couple selling a baby to a richer couple, but they plan to take the money and baby and run. That's about it. 

The whole thing is narrated by mother-to-be Dina (Miranda Bailey) in hindsight... to an old man, Peter (Richard Riehl) she hitches a ride from. 


She and the reluctant daddy Ron (Waylon Payne) are homeless, staying in a motel, yet they correspond with this rich couple on the internet and arrange a meeting. Hmm, living in their car, but exchanging emails and having internet. Well, at least their priorities are in order.

The rich couple are in a new development that will be a gated community - their house is the only one finished (the 'model') and is the kind no normal person can afford ever. This is where the idiots - umm, I mean hopeful Paul (Jeffrey Donovan) and Maria (Leonor Varela, who has a long film and TV history with Blade II, Arrested Development, Stargate Atlantis, etc.) live. They seem to be rich and eager, but... something is off.

The two cash seekers try to play nice, but it's hard to be civil with wine drinking yuppies when you're total white trash (that's according to the movie, not me). While playing a game similar to Pictionary, the daddy not-to-be loses his temper and slaps Dina. After that, Paul orders them to go. He had figured out that they were probably trying to rip them off anyway. 

His wife, however, is desperate for a baby and promises to get them the deposit they were to receive before the birth. Paul, however, claims to have taken the deposit and put it back in the bank. The mother-who-wants-to-be gets angry at Paul and goes into convulsions. Among other medical problems, she's diabetic.

Paul can't find her medication - of course. On my horror movie worksheet (patent pending), one of the rules of horror (even though this movie is NOT horror) is if you have a condition (for instance, asthma) you never keep spare medication where you can easily use it if needed - it is always hidden or you're out of it.

Paul tears drawers apart like he's looking for a little bottle or something but comes back with this shaving kit sized bag full of needles and medication - he had to search for that? He gets a sterile needle and prepares the insulin. Now, anyone who's ever seen someone suffering from Diabetes Type 2 know they inject themselves daily, usually in the thigh or stomach. The needles are tiny, since the patient has to subject themselves to injections daily.

When Paul prepares to inject his wife in the abdomen, all of a sudden the needle is this huge honking metal abomination that I wouldn't let anywhere near me. It certainly wasn't the same needle he filled from the vial. I have no idea why they'd do that - it was the only frightening thing in the whole damned movie.

The white trash couple are imprisoned - the pregnant one in a closet that locks on the outside (WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU NEED THAT FOR???) and the idiot boyfriend Ron gets away, looking for the promised money. He soon learns that they have been thoroughly researched (including jail records). We also find out that the couple's money mostly belongs to the wife, Maria.

Dina is apparently a racist - she keeps calling Maria the 's' word since she is Hispanic. But Leonor in real life was born and raised in Chile so... wouldn't that make her a chick? Oof, that was... a bad, bad, joke. Sorry about that - must be this movie.

During this whole thing Dina is still talking to 'Peter' as they drive down the road, stop at a diner (he is behind the counter serving the coffee - whaaa?), keep driving, stop at a garage where he seems to be comfortable with the place while she's in the bathroom staring at a pregnancy test... uh, wait a minute that's not... never mind. 

There isn't another single soul around. That's a big hint by the way. Leaving the garage he says 'Are you ready to move on?' instead of just saying 'Are you ready to go?' And he keeps giving her all this sage advice which is worthless since all this is in 'hindsight'.

So the 'chick' (sorry) is going to cut the baby out of Dina. Her stomach expands every time the camera focuses on it I swear, until it's like a balloon. The two men are fighting in the garage of the house. Ron stabs the Paul in the leg with a screwdriver. In other words, nothing important is happening.

Finally Ron is killed with the screwdriver. Paul tries to kill Dina but the desperate Maria kills him with a wine bottle - and (ahem) a piece of glass hits Dina's neck and slashes it open. Umm, no. That wouldn't... oh never mind. Maria gets an emergency kit from the car...

Now we're back at the motel from the beginning of the movie - the sign says no vacancy but nobody's there except Dina and Peter standing in doorway.

Flashing back to dying Dina - Maria has the kit which carries an all-steel scalpel (of course) and obviously is going to get her baby. She cuts out the baby, Dina dies and the story's over. Peter tells Dina it's 'time to go' and they drive off into WHAT THE BLOODY HELL? land...

And I am done.




                        

WE'RE GONNA NEED ANOTHER TIMMY!!!






Inside (2006)

Hello there my lovelies. Today were going to go down a little bit of a different track. The movie today is called Inside. If you look for this movie, you will find that in the past six years at least seven movies have been made with this exact title, including a Spanish one. Thus it was difficult to find information on the right one. In fact, as it was part of my 'Midnight Horror: Terror & Torment' movie collection, just from looking at the poster they showed on the package, I don't think they had the right movie either.

Speaking of the right movie, and getting off track, as I usually do, I just found out something that made my stomach feel quite queasy. Now I've mentioned how much I love the Evil Dead trilogy. Sam Raimi, his brothers Ivan and Ted, and of course the King, Bruce Campbell. I was very skeptical of the reboot that came out, but was pleasantly surprised that I was able to enjoy it as an Evil Dead movie, and not look at it as just another favorite horror film getting horribly mangled to make it palatable for today's teenage slasher movie fanatic.

But now, my heroes are writing an Evil Dead television series. I will spare you the words that came to my lips when I heard that one. Sam, Ivan, and Bruce have all been busy. If it's on the Fox network, don't expect it to hang around very long. If it's on AMC, then The Walking Dead has got some serious competition coming up. In either case, I'm kind of cringing thinking of what television censors will do with my favorite franchise. And that's enough whining for now. No, wait a minute - just now (7/27/14) I read an article that claimed Bruce himself will star in the series. What do I have to say about that?

I looked for info on this movie because the description of it was woefully lacking in facts or plot. The best I could find was: 'A man's interest in a couple leads to chilling and heartbreaking results.' That's not much to go on. So I checked a few reviews and opinions. They were completely polarized. Either they love the film so much that they almost burst, or they hated it so badly they wished it had never been made.

Now the really suck-up reviews were like they came from those who worked on the film. When most of the review is almost totally spent on things like "Oh, the direction was wonderful and the sets were sublime. Everything was so perfect and the acting was just terrific, and the lighting and the soundtrack blah blah blah", you've got a troll who works for the movie company. 

When you get someone who hates it so badly that they think it should never have been made, it could be because they expected the movie to be something that it was not. This movie is described as a psychological thriller horror film. It is not. A horror movie I mean. It's not really a thriller either.

This movie is a look at suffering loss and how one can convince oneself of a new reality so completely that it takes over their whole life. Especially if deep down inside they're a total über psycho bitch. But that's not really a horror movie. That is more of a movie about the human condition. So if you're expecting a slasher flick, with lots of death, blood, gore, etc., you're not going to get it. 

It doesn't help that this movie screwed itself over with its own movie poster. If you look at the movie poster, you'll be misled as to what kind of movie you're going to watch, and also you've just been given one of the big twists in the plot. 

Now this film had some really good parts, and some really dumb parts. One really dumb part was the movie poster. Other parts that were also dumb were the convenient plot devices that put the whole mess into such a pretty little package that it even had a fancy bow on top. That's ridiculous. Nothing real is that neat and tidy.

While the subject of someone completely disappearing off the face of the earth without anyone noticing may seem totally impossible to some, to others who have read up on this particular subject, it's quite plausible. Let me explain what I mean after the review.

Alex is a young man who is very lonely. He works in a library, which allows him to watch people all day. Okay, that's a little dated – there's not that many people going to libraries anymore. But he likes his job. He also has the bad habit of being a peeping Tom. He's not a pervert, what he's watching is the family interaction that he misses. He goes home to an empty house, sits at an empty table, and stares at a very worn note that basically says 'we have gone out to look for you, you better be here when we get back'. Apparently that was from his parents – but they're the ones who never came back. They got killed in an accident.

Now we have our couple. Alice and Mark Smith are very lonely and troubled. Every week they come to the library, check out the same book, and return it the next week, only to check it out again. Alex wonders why they seem so depressed all the time. He decides to follow them home. As it turns out, they lost their only son a year ago (the library book was his favorite) and still have not gone through the grieving process. So now we have our set up.

The convenient plot devices are scattered throughout the movie. They're irritating more than helpful. They'd never happen in real life. One such plot device is a kleptomaniac girl who just happens to show interest in Alex the day before he decides to go over to this couple's house to watch them. Thus, only she knows he has disappeared. She breaks into his house, basically raids the place, and steals whatever she pleases. Among the items she takes are some more future convenient plot devices. 

The Smith's son Timmy apparently had juvenile atherosclerosis. They didn't know of his condition until one day while playing sports at school, he collapsed. Apparently both his legs had broken. So that was the end of sports, school, and a normal life. He spent all his time between his bed and his wheelchair. And this is where the worm started to turn, so to speak. Apparently one night attempting to sneak out of his room, he fell and hit his head and died. Why was he trying to get out? Hmm... His parents told no one that he had died. Why not? Aha! This is where the two stories collide. And, as movie coincidence would have it, Alex is very physically similar to their lost son.

Saaaaaay it...

The Smiths want a new Timmy. Alex wants new parents. Sounds great, right? Wrong. Remember, the Smiths never reported that Timmy died. Where did Timmy go? Pfffft. Just look at the bloody movie poster and you'll know.

So we go through approximately 45 minutes to an hour of slow reveals. After Alex tries to leave, he's conveniently injured by a hit-and-run driver. It messes up his knees, so he can't walk. Do they take him to a hospital? No. They have extensive experience with dealing with injuries (they say). Alex finds that the more he tries to leave, the less he's able to for emotional as well as physical reasons. And the shy, sad woman mourning her son starts to change. 

Apparently, she is not the wilting flower she appears. She is one first class bitch. Her attitude toward Alex gets nastier and nastier as she decides that he actually is Timmy and is only acting like Alex to piss her off. The ineffective husband tries to hold her back, but after a while he just acquiesces and Alex is screwed. During one attempt to leave, he accidentally knocks over a vase that Timmy made for Mother's Day. Inside, unknown to them, was a note.

Timmy may have been sick, we'll never know if that was real or not. What we do know is that Timmy's mother apparently tortured the boy. If he did not do everything exactly right, watch out. The note basically said that he needed to get away but would return when he was no longer a problem, or something to that effect. The parents (mostly the mother) figure that means that Alex is the returning Timmy - he just doesn't 'remember' it. A weak Alex falls on the pieces of the vase, and cuts up his feet. 

So now the Smiths, all attempts at civility and kindness gone, strap him to the bed with leather restraints that we can only assume were used on Timmy. He is drugged while Mr. Smith attempts to sew up the cuts on his feet. He is kept in restraints unless he has to use the restroom or they let him loose for something.

This is not a horror film, as such. Some have mentioned the movie Misery when referring to this film. The aspect they're probably referring to is both boys' imprisonment in bed. Past that, the comparison is shallow at best. Alex asks for some time with Mr. Smith while Mrs. Smith is shopping and she allows it. However, Mrs. Smith doesn't leave – instead, she listens in another room as Alex beg Mr. Smith to let him go - thus she returns furious and punishes him further.

At this point, the massive crazy bitch, formally known as Mrs. Smith begins to torture Alex/Timmy. If he does not do things exactly as Timmy did them, he is punished. For not 'recognizing' a movie as his 'favorite', he is made to watch that movie over and over without rest or food for a week. She tells him that if he falls asleep, that adds one more day to his punishment. When they play games, if he does not use the same game pieces Timmy used, he's punished. If he does not plant flowers exactly where Timmy would have planted flowers, he's punished.

Finally Alex gets desperate. He knows if he stays, he's not going to be alive much longer. During the night, even with Mrs. Smith sleeping sitting up outside his bedroom door, he gets in his wheelchair and attempts an escape. She wakes up and yells for her husband, which makes Alex get up and try to make it to the door. But he's weak as well as wounded, and falls and (I am not kidding), hits his head on the same door corner that apparently Timmy did. Alex is now dead. GONNA NEED ANOTHER TIMMY!

The Smiths have no choice (they think) – they plant Timmy #2 in the same place Timmy #1 is – the garden. Thus, our movie poster. Since both are in coffins (and Timmy #2 isn't that far down since he's right on top of #1) they must have gotten coffins in bulk at Costco or something. They sit out there for a couple of hours, because Mrs. Smith honestly believes that Timmy will come back... again. She must be a fan of Stephen King. She hopes they won't have to wait a year for him this time. Crazy bitch. But just like Timmy #1, Timmy #2 doesn't show. So there's nothing left to do apparently for the Smiths, but go down to the pharmacy for some fun shopping - how Mr. Smith gets all the good drugs I'd like to know.

And we get our final convenient plot device. Earlier, the Smiths had their psychiatrist over, one who had worked with Timmy #1, in order to convince Timmy #2 that claiming to be Alex was mean and he was being cruel to his parents. Stupid doctor. A quick information check would have made this a different story. That pretty much shows you how much attention doctors pay to their patients. And I've got a short little speech about that after this review. The psychiatrist's daughter is – say it with me – saaay it! 

The daughter of the doctor is the kleptomaniac who made friends with Alex at the beginning of the movie. How wonderful. She sees her dad putting some files away that he no longer needs. She already has the clipping of Alex's parent's accident and deaths, and once she sees 'Timmy' in the Smith's file, she follows the movie rule that kids are always smarter than adults and goes to the Smith's house to look for the missing Alex.

She happens to be wandering in the backyard when lo and behold! She hears a voice coming from under the freshly turned soil in the garden. Timmy #2 is alive! Hallelujah! Apparently he doesn't need much air, since he's been there almost a day. She finds a shovel and digs him out. To her horror, he now believes he is Timmy. But that ends quickly when she shows him the news clipping and he remembers everything. Unfortunately, before they can get away, the Smiths come home. There is the inevitable confrontation. 

But when the Smiths are shown the newspaper clipping about Alex's parents dying, there is no more pretension. At least on the part of Mr. Smith. Mrs. Smith, being the psycho bitch she is (while Alex was imprisoned she shoved soap in his mouth, starved him, half drowned him in the bathtub, etc., probably the same shit she did to her own son) lunges at the two of them with a knife but her husband stops her and the two make a getaway in the Smith's car.

Wasn't that fun? No? I don't say this often but I thought it was a well made film (and contrary to a troll comment or two towards me, I am NOT a film maker) and did have some convincing performances. The subject was valid, even if the plot devices were obvious and stupid. And if you don't think a person can vanish off the face of the earth and have no one notice...

Lately there has been several articles (I won't go into names or places) about people who have been found in their homes, dead for YEARS. One was a very attractive young lady with 'friends' who simply was not missed when she died (I think it was a diabetic condition) in her apartment. Her body was found only when the bills stopped being paid, and the courts finally issued an eviction order. In another case, an older woman had an auto bill pay system too (different country) but when the payments stopped, they repossessed her house - and found her quite dead inside.

Fame doesn't guarantee you'll be missed either - there was a Hollywood icon who, after he died, was not claimed by anyone. By the time his relatives decided to find out what happened to him, he had been buried for several years in a potter's field.

Would I be missed? I doubt it. I don't answer the door anyway, or the phone, or emails. I can't get out most of the time unless I'm going to the doctor. The doctors care though, right? Pffft. I have had one for over ten years and thought I could count on her to help me (even though I had the distinct impression she cut every sentence I tried to get out short so she could 'process' me quick and get me out of her office) because she gave me a little speech about all kinds of things she could do to help me... and promptly forgot everything except the bill once I stepped out of her office. 

I don't exist in the legal and financial world since I haven't been able to work for years. I have a driver's license but that means nothing. If the movie reviews stopped, would that mean I was tucked in a box or bag somewhere left to rot? Who would know? Even though I've recently had a Reader's Calling Me A Dumbass Day the comments were mostly about movies I'd reviewed in 2012. So who would miss me?

I know I wouldn't.

                        

OH BOY, I WONDER HOW MANY TIMES I CAN BE THROWN INTO A PIT OF DEAD BODIES? IT LOOKS LIKE EVER SO MUCH FUN!!!





Open Grave (2013)

Well the weather is doing a 'guess what it's going to do today' kind of thing and today's treat is thunderstorms, cold, and rain. After blistering heat and almost a record lack of precipitation for the year, it's actually a relief, even if the two days it's supposed to rain (now extended to three) won't make up for the year so far. Got a couple of good jolts, some thunder, no loss of electricity.

Oh wait we did lose electricity... but that was because our illustrious electric company was turning on the power to a house down the street and apparently didn't know which switch to throw (took them two trucks and techs to do it too). Pfft.... massive duh.

With much love, apologies, and all credit to Stephan Pastis

Anywho, so I'm suffering right now. Yeah I know, I suffer when it's hot, when it's not, when it rains, when it snows, when out of my mouth a lot of garbage blows...

Whoa, where did THAT come from? Must be some voodoo from certain ones who think I'm a blowhard. No hard feelings though, 'cause if I wasn't, these boring movies would be VERY boring. But I'm in massive pain so I'll shut up about me now. And thank goodness nobody has to know it's taken me four days to get this review this far... unless somebody rats me out... whoops. Damned voodoo.

Doing a la-de-da through the internet horror sites, I found the description of a movie called Open Grave. A man wakes up in a deep pit of dead bodies, not knowing who he is or how he got there. He encounters a cabin with people in the same condition and they all have to figure out the whos and whys and wherefores before they all kill each other...

Wait, what? Bae? What the hell is Bae? Oh, sorry, you're not here so right now you think I've totally lost it. Nah, I've been half-watching music videos and Pharrell William's new, uh, I guess they still call them songs, is called 'Come Get It Bae'. It starts by telling people that beauty has no expiration date - then uses all models under the age of 25, who are almost six feet tall and not one of them more than a size six. YOU SUCK, WILLIAMS! And having Miley Cyrus stand by you sticking out her tongue going 'Bae' or 'Hey' or 'Yay' or whatever the hell she's non-singing every couple of seconds does NOT make it a duo. <Shudder>

Bae? Lazy, lazy English. It has meant many things (one said it was Danish for 'poop') but most know it to mean yet another drop in the intelligence of the average young person who's too lazy to use complete sentences and so must leave letters out in order to keep their tweets short.

Thank you very VERY much Weird Al - you thought that this wouldn't be topical anymore but hey, this whole new generation is talking this way and it ain't... umm, it isn't just the young ones. Okay, I'm done now...

The premise of the movie (she said, desperately trying to get back on track) sounded almost interesting. I have seen waaay too many 'people wake up in a room not knowing how they got there' type of movies, but this seemed a bit different. Finding a copy of the movie was a bit of a challenge, but after a while I did and here we go:

Now this contains a lot of spoilers - so listen up 'cause you do NOT want to watch how spoiled this movie is yourself.


The bearded man in the above description immediately throws up upon awakening (you would too - that has GOT to smell bad) when he discovers everyone around him is dead. With some sickening crunching as he stretches (I hope the Foley studio they used got shut down - their sound effects were terrible and often early or late.) he gets his limbs working well enough to climb his way to the side of the concrete pit. And this pit is DEEP.

Okay, not to spoil the 'magic' but this isn't a pit - they used some sort of unused culvert (open on both sides) with lots of vines put here and there which, if real, meant it was really old - which makes a big problem. I'll explain that briefly later, I promise.

Inexplicably a rope is dropped down. If it had been me, I would have been dead 'cause even in high school I could never climb that damned rope in PE. He sees a woman at the top and climbs his way slowly out of the pit. Following her leads him to a cabin with four other people, all in the same condition he is. The Asian woman who helped him out of the pit is mute and cannot understand English - the others are a German and three Americans.

So here's my worksheet so far:

Pit dude: Probably important.
Mute lady: Also probably important.
German: Pain in the ass.
Americans: Dumber than dirt.

Let's see if I was correct, shall we?

The house seems normal - but they find it contains a very full pantry, and a ton of different rifles and pistols with ammo. They wonder if the cabin was being prepared for something. On the refrigerator is a calendar with the number '18' circled, it apparently being two days away, the other days x'ed out. They also find a library with medical books from all over the world.

Magically, four find their ID somewhere in the house - so they now have names. The guy from the pit doesn't so he's John Doe. And of course, no one can speak to the mute, so she's Brown Eyes. So far this is a pretty neat set up, with different possibilities of what the situation could be and why they are there and alive. But apparently they only have two days to find out what's going on - who knows what's going to happen on the 18th.

Okay, let's fill out this Horror Movie Worksheet (patent pending): Six humans, lots of supplies, tons of dead people. One waking among said dead people. We've got apocalypse with... plague? Zombies? Both? There's a few empty spots but I think I've got the gist of it.

Aaaand this is where the movie starts to bog down. A lot of arguing, a lot of suspicion, not much action. Several decide to look for civilization, a car, anything. They leave behind the German - a real hothead who's also handy with a pistol to protect the mute woman.


But he's full of testosterone and not much brain power. He hears screams and runs off to find the source. He finds a mangled man enmeshed in a barbed wire fence. He struggles to help the guy out but big surprise - the guy was not trapped - he grabs a stick and shoves it into the German's throat. He dies first. Yup, that was on my worksheet.

I dunno, she looks fine to me...

The rest are starting to slowly remember things but they understand nothing of what they think they're remembering. Which is tedious. And repetitive. And slowing down the movie even more. They discover finally that they are on a compound of some sort with buildings full of locked stalls, some with people in them. AND there are tons of dead people wrapped with wire and rope around trees, as well as hanging from branches around the house. How did they NOT smell that?

Which is the problem. See, this IS an apocalyptic event (told ya), with a plague that makes people act crazy (meh, zombie-like people, close enough). The six were a five-person medical team developing a cure using an person found to be immune - guess which one? Ah c'mon, please guess? I'll make this review a hell of a lot longer if you don't!

Yup, Brown Eyes.

Just kidding, 'cause I like you. Yes, the military was due to come back on the 18th (if they didn't all get infected) to get these six out but the five not immune started getting sick themselves. See, they found a 'cure' but since they were getting sick, they had to inject themselves - and their 'cure' caused unconsciousness and periods of amnesia. Double duh. The dead people were strung all around to keep the sick out because they didn't like the smell. That bears repeating: The SICK did not like the SMELL. Right.

But they were a little late with that conclusion and had blamed the one who woke in the pit (the lead doctor) for 'experimenting' on them, since they didn't remember until it was too late that they were sick too. So into the pit he's thrown again. By the time he gets out (again), the others... need a bullet in the brain. Seriously.

Only three holes.

This was comical to me. The military's coming. They're supposed to be carrying automatic weapons but they're not. One doctor (discovered at the last possible second to be the main doc's brother) tries to approach them, saying he's not sick. They open fire. The Foley guy makes it sound like semi-automatic rapid fire and we hear at least, oh, I think a dozen or more shots. How many holes in the dude? Guess.

In proper order, their number is reduced to Brown Eyes (who's really good at hiding) and the main doc and his wife (one of the Americans) until she's stabbed in the back.

Wait a minute - those are bolt 
action hunting rifles... WTH?

This movie had more problems than plot. If this was a fast-acting apocalyptic plague, how did they have time to build this compound, complete with buildings, medical supplies, and a nearby medivac - not to mention the culvert - umm I mean pit (that was obviously old). How did Jonah (the lead doc) first get in the pit? How did they NOT smell the massive dead surrounding them? Why did the sick not like that smell? How did the dead get in the pit? Where did they come from? And why was there a pit when just outside the compound... well, wait a second.

Our movie ends (thankfully) with the doc and his dying wife hiding - for him the third time - in the pit of bodies. He injects them both, knowing they're gonna forget again by the time they wake up what happened.

Brown Eyes gets him out ONE MORE TIME (his wife died but he didn't know her anymore) and, not knowing a thing, he wanders off with her to see... miles and miles of the dead. Again, where did they come from and who put them there? And if they were dumped there, why the pit? And the smell... sigh. I have to say though that the CGI work in this movie was far superior to the joke that was World War Z.