Outright Rip-Offs of George Romero Movies 

Platoon Of The Dead (2009) Available on YouTube


As I've said before, if you think you have an original idea, you don't use Of The Dead in the title, you're just trying to get people to watch what they think is a Romero movie. Romero wouldn't spit on this one. And to tell the honest truth, I could not even get through it the first time. But, since I watch 'em so you don't have to I took an hour or two, some deep breathing and a shot or two of whiskey, and tried it again. And am now editing it for the third time just to attempt to make some sense out of this piece of - uh movie. It is a movie that actually did try to make some things a little different and ended up making something that was, well, just awful. 

To watch this movie, you have to sign in because of, among the usual gore aspects, it contains flashing/flickering lights. So it is not only bad for people expecting a good movie, but apparently not so great for those with epilepsy either. The 'lights' come from the 'laser guns' they use to fight with that is so weak (read cheap addition in post production) that the only irritant is whether they decide to stick with green for good guys and red for bad - or was it the other way around? I don't think they made up their minds about that one. The 'guns' actually make a 'pew pew' sound and you could probably buy one at Toys R Us

The premise is that men are nasty and like to kill. Duh. But now something more dangerous is hunting THEM. The dead. Excuse me, the undead. They have risen (sounds kind of religious) and have decided to make an army of their own. Further into the movie it is revealed that this whole business started because five kids played with a Ouija board and 'something evil' came out, raising the dead to destroy man. Something full of hatred, of vengeance, something that hates.... Don't get fancy guys, just call 'em demons - who else is it going to be, extraterrestrials?

There are three surviving soldiers that don't seem to know anything about the military at all. One is a lieutenant who had such long hair I actually was envious and enough eye makeup to make Johnny Depp envious (in fact Johnny look close - that will probably be you in ten or fifteen years). One is a sergeant with an evil disposition (duh there's always gotta be one) and the other an 'I'm a soldier but I don't want to kill anyone' private. Every 'soldier' in this movie including the 'zombies' looks like they picked their outfits from an army surplus store. Then there's the interest crushing dialogue (One: "Did you find anyone else alive?" Two: "Just in pieces." Oh, live pieces? That must hurt.), the continuity errors, overpowering background music (turn those bassoons and cellos down a bit, would you please?), the head scratching 'logic', and, oh, just pick something, everything made this movie on the high side of awful. I have a high tolerance for duh, especially when it's a low budget film that's trying to be original but I have my limits. 

Things appear and disappear from scene to scene, during one scene inside an abandoned cabin (thank you hubby for your quick eye) a car drives by (you can see the reflection through the window onto the cupboard) twice, and no one is dressed like they're from the same platoon much less army. In fact, you never see a 'platoon'. Official definition: : a subdivision of a company-sized military unit normally consisting of two or more squads or sections. Nope, none of those here. Ever. Oh and I love how they describe these zombie soldiers as 'weak because they're dead and rotting' but less than five minutes later they are 'stronger than us because they're already dead.' Make up your mind people.They get to this abandoned cabin and that's where the rest of the movie takes place. For over an hour. They find three women (oh what luck) with no backstories, at least none they're willing to share but be thankful or they would just take up time and more useless dialogue. In flashbacks they attempt to 'humanize' the characters to show how much they have lost in this horrible war (read horrible movie) but you really can't care, you just want the time to move forward and the movie to end.
The women have lived in the cabin for months, safe because, what a shocker, one of their number is the 'fifth' of the five idiot kids who played with the Hasbro Ouija board (Fun for the whole family! Raise your very own demon!) and so she is protected from these runny-putty looking zombies (the worst ones wear gas masks to, I assume, keep their faces from dripping onto the ground). Supposedly those with her are also protected. Uh huh. The goal of the army has been to find the five kids who started this (Why? We're never told and that's a good thing - there was waaaaay too much exposition as it was.) so the soldiers think of bringing her in. 

But they have to make a bargain - to get out alive, they have to promise to let the 'fifth' go. But there's more. Sigh. The 'fifth', being mute (raising demons is hell on the throat), couldn't tell them one of the remaining two women is the 'fourth' and has gone to the side of the zombies. The soldiers and two of the women are drugged and tied up (Not eaten? Rats, at least that would have been interesting.). A 'cringe' scene (they tried anyway) of one soldier having his eye torn out results in him groaning as if he had a headache. Tough sucker. Or just bad acting. You pick.

So they think they're getting away - those left alive anyway. As they approach the 'pick up zone' the 'fifth' in inexplicably shot and killed by the zombies that were supposed to protect her. Why? Do we even care? It would just make the movie longer. The remaining survivor goes with the pick-up soldier (Just one?) and they escape in - don't laugh - a minivan. With Oregon plates. Oh what a proud moment for me. What the survivor doesn't know (it's the private and he really hasn't known anything for the whole movie) is that the 'fourth' had put a homing beacon on his gun (which he lost during the movie more times than I could count) and so he was allowed to go free to lead the zombies to the main base. As the movie comes to an Oh-Thank-You-God close, he inexplicably throws the weapon to the side of the road. We then see a big red blinking light and hear the beep beep of the beacon. And he couldn't see or hear that? Oy vey. But cheer up, at least here comes the credits...

And work on your titles people. The Soldiers That Couldn't Die. The Dead Fight Back. Dead Soldiers vs. Live Soldiers. My Parents Went To Haiti And All I Got Was This Stupid Ouija Board. Anything - just don't put Of The Dead after it.

Outright Rip-Offs of George Romero Movies

Dance Of The Dead (2008)

Okay, to begin with, if you make any movie with ???? Of The Dead, you're basically ripping off George Romero because that's his baby. Call it something else if you're going to claim you actually have an original idea.




AND having the chutzpah (I use that word a lot, it fits) to release it saying that it is "the best horror/comedy of this or any other year" just makes me want to throw things at the screen. I mean really. Are we that vain? Do we have so much faith in a movie that is basically like most other zombie movies that we can claim it to be the absolute best of the best? Really? There are no big names, the acting is so-so, the plot is tired (nuclear waste wakes all the dead just in time for prom), the makeup is passable and the site of zombies springing from graves (must have had powerful springs under there, they really flew) was a small chuckle at best and... you'd have to stretch it just to call it good.

It's not good. The plot: A high school prom in Georgia is unexpectedly interrupted when a graveyard, next to a power plant, explodes with zombies. A grave digger had been hearing sounds and had to 'whack' a head, hand or whatever popped up as he cruised the graveyard but kept quiet to keep his job. The two main character we're supposed to care about are Jimmy (Jared Kusnitz) a pizza delivery boy (Glenn from The Walking Dead is superior in every way to this guy) and a loser. His girlfriend Lindsey (Greyson Chadwick) a hottie that for some unexplained reason likes him busts up with him the night of the prom but in the course of the slow moving events they meet up again. Together with some other idiots (my favorite character name was Nash Rambler. How many are old enough to even know what that is?) they converge on the school for prom figuring out that for some reason every zombie in town is going to show up there. And to keep the movie moving, they're right, I guess.

After fumbling, some of them dying (but we don't care) and a gym teacher's placing C4 explosives around the school (he bought it on Craigslist) the survivors manage to block up and explode the school, supposedly wiping out every student, teacher and zombie in town.

They then meet up in a school bus where they decide to go out for pancakes. Denny's surely doesn't mind it when blood soaked idiots show up for pancakes late at night. They will then go after the power plant (please please please do not mean that there will be a sequel).

The movie ends, and another 90 minutes of your time has just been saved because you didn't have to watch it.

The Walking Dead: Characters We Love And Hate    


Glenn (Steven Yeun)


"Hey you. Dumbass. You in the tank. Are you cozy in there?"


Thus is our introduction to an irreplaceable part of The Walking Dead troupe, Glenn (no last name is given). And one of my favorite moments for sure.


Glenn is introduced to the TV series in Season 1, Episode 2. Rick Grimes has travelled to Atlanta to search for survivors. He is overwhelmed by a huge pack of zombies and would surely have died if not for a tank sitting in the middle of the street that he manages to crawl into.


He had been watched by a group of survivors in the city, including Glenn. Glenn is able to guide him to relative safety and there he meets the others and we are introduced to some of the other characters.


Glenn is a kick to watch. He will do anything, try anything, risk anything, and come out without so much as a scratch. He is so good at tactical survival that Rick asks him what he did for a living. 'Pizza delivery' he replies. Cool. He fights and survives right along with the others, showing a heck of a lot more courage than most of them.


Who could forget when, in the second season, they found a bloated 'Walker' in a well and for some unknown reason decided to get him out? It was Glenn who volunteered to be lowered in to put a loop of rope around the disgusting mess. And he did it. 


He doesn't carry a crossbow, you rarely see him with a gun, but he is as fierce, as protective, as brave and as needed as anyone else in the group. I would say that among the group he is the one you can most count on.


As season two progresses, he is also shown to be a confidant, although he warns those telling him secrets that he cannot keep quiet, but they do it anyway and of course he goes straight to Dale with everything. Not his fault, he did warn them. He also starts a relationship with Maggie, daughter of Herschel, who's farm he helped the group to find. Although she is hesitant, with time she develops strong feelings for him and love develops between them both. She tells him she loves him he can't find it in him to say it back - until the second season finale when they are forced to leave the farm as it is overrun with 'Walkers'. As they leave he finally tells her he loves her. Although everyone has split up, they all find each other (except one) at the highway. 


After hearing of what Rick had done (killing Shane) and that he had kept the fact that they were all infected from everyone, Glenn and Maggie want to leave to find their own haven but Rick, weary and fed up with the group's indecision pretty much gives them all an ultimatum - my way or the highway. So for now, they stay with the group.


Steven was born in South Korea but raised in Michigan. He holds a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology. As a freshman he became interested in acting. He has been in several films and appeared in several popular TV shows including The Big Bang Theory and Warehouse 13. He is another character that I hope has a long and interesting run with The Walking Dead.

Movies So Stupid They're Almost Good - No, Wait, They're Still Bad

Jersey Shore Shark Attack (2012) Television Movie


Is there a single fan of Jersey Shore (I mean a single person who will admit that they regularly watch and enjoy this show)? Are there actually people who follow the lives of The Situation, Snooki and the rest of the idiots - umm I mean residents of Jersey Shore? Raise your hands, don't be shy.


If you have never seen a single episode (I've seen parts made fun of on Beavis and Butthead but that's it) you still might enjoy this movie just for the heck of it. If nothing else is on. And it's raining outside. And you're car is out of gas. And the internet is down.


This movie starts by referring to an actual incident on Jersey Shore back in 1916. Now then there was a heat wave and outbreak of polio and somehow those two things combined made tons of people flock to the beach. The jury is still out as to which species of shark was responsible, but four people did die, with one 14 year old boy surviving. This incident inspired Peter Benchley to write Jaws and several Guidos to come up with this movie (just kidding, several wrote this but I don't know their ethnic backgrounds). In the movie, they blame the 1916 attacks on the vibrations caused when the boardwalk was built that supposedly attracted the sharks. Actually the boardwalk was constructed around the end of the 1800's but oh well.


It follows the adventures of Jersey Shore copies including The Complication and Nookie. It even uses the same freeze frames to introduce the characters that I assume is used on the JS show. Of course, the Guido's (they call them that, I'm not trying to be prejudiced) rivals are a bunch of rich preppies who want the boardwalk cleared out and a resort built. Drilling begins into the ocean floor to set the foundations for this new resort. The vibrations attracts the very rare albino shark (not so rare, I found several different variations listed in Google). And then the horror (and by that I mean realizing this movie has over an hour to go) begins. The copying of JS is amusing - for a couple of minutes. But the Director didn't keep a very tight leash on the film - the character's accents slip in and out, and magically there is no blood in the water when someone is chewed up. 


Oh, a bright spot though. Joey Fatone, formerly of 'N Sync has a spot in the movie - and is promptly eaten. So there's something to look forward to. Other than that, it limps along trying to be scary but these albino sharks are awfully small, we're talking dolphin sized here. But there's a whole mess of them. So much for 'rare'.


Of course ultimately the Guidos are shown to be heroes, saving the lives of the preppies and all is well. By that I mean the movie is over.

And Now For Something Completely Different


Across The Universe (2007)


Prepare yourselves. There are times when I am wrong. Flat wrong. If I've written a review that makes you wonder if we've even seen the same movie, either my opinion is different or I was just wrong.


I hate musicals. The last musical I actually sat through and enjoyed was The Sound Of Music. This was probably made before most of you were born and believe it or not, way before I was old enough to watch any movie..... Point being, if anybody starts singing in a movie, I'm outta there. That's why I won't be rushing to see Rock Of Ages. Watching Tom Cruise butcher my favorite 80's songs is not my idea of a good time. Don't Go Into The Woods, a self-described musical/horror movie was so awful I don't think I reviewed it harshly enough. But I can be wrong.

Max (Joe Anderson)

The only reason I watched this musical the first time was because of Joe Anderson. He played Deputy Russell Clank in The Crazies (2010) and I thought he was great. I was curious to see what else he'd done and I found this. I recorded and watched it - I admit a lot of it in fast forward. I HATED this movie. BUT it had Beatles music. If you use a plug-in like Spotify, you know that the Beatles catalog is not on it (they say they have 'virtually every piece of music recorded' pffft, that's a lie). So I looked up the soundtrack to this movie and started listening. Now Joe had never sung before but when he was auditioning they asked him to and he got the part. Cool. The more I listened to the songs, the more I thought maybe I should give the movie another look. Thankfully I hadn't deleted it yet.

Just Trippin'

Set in the 60's during the height of the Vietnam war, it's a part lesson part entertainment part music kind of mix. If you can't relate, you WILL hate it. If you either want to see a little about the 60's or you want to remember some of the more, ummm, colorful aspects, you might like it.


 Jude (Jim Sturgess) is an English shipyard worker who wants to find his American father. He sneaks into the country. His father is a janitor at Princeton and they meet and have an uneasy relationship. He meets a well-to-do Princeton student Max (Joe Anderson again playing an American although he too is English). They decide to take off for New York, since Max doesn't want to be part of 'the establishment.' After some subplots that introduces the other characters (almost everyone sings something but hey, it's all Beatles tunes so....) the movie smashes a lot of the culture and counter-culture of the 60's into a freaky kind of head trip. Max goes to war, is injured but makes it home. Jude is arrested at a demonstration, arrested and deported.

Sadie (Dana Fuchs)

I'm Bloody Brilliant!

But I guess although the 60's really didn't have a happy ending (instead it became the 70's) the movie decided it had to have one. Friends and lovers reunite, Jude comes back to the country legally this time, and all is right with the world. And there's Beatles music (did I already mention that?).






Point is if you want to suspend reality for a bit and either live or relive some of the aspects of the 60's lifestyle try this movie out. It took me two views to like it, hopefully you'll appreciate more in one.

Tune In, Tune Out And Just Explode



Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things aka Revenge Of The Living Dead, Things From The Dead and Zreaks (1972)


Special thanks to Tim Forston for a, ahem, gem of a movie.


This is the 70's we're in now people. That means freaky deaky people, totally groovy language man, and most importantly of all, the clothes. Oh yeah, and this is also a zombie movie. It could go under the 'Outright Ripoffs Of George Romero Movies' category but hey man, let's just chill and enjoy the groove of a truly bizarre comedy/horror movie (I think the comedy was supposed to be the people, the horror the zombies. Easy enough.).


As my friend pointed out and he of course was right, this was an extremely low budget film (shot for $70,000) so for the money, they actually had some pretty good zombies, and quite a few of them. The makeup is actually pretty good. Not enough money for the typical tear-out-all-the-intestines scenes that are standard for zombie movies, but not bad at all.

That being said my groovy babies, lets check out the plot: A theater director (I would have watched this just to see his clothes - we're talking orange-red-white striped pants, a gold shirt and an ascot) and his acting troupe set by boat for an island with a graveyard on it with the plans of digging up a corpse and bringing it to life. Why? Oh no my babies, keep it cool man. You don't want to bum me out by looking for logic now are you? Okay, so when this group of six get to the island (Oh, by the way there are no 'children' in the movie, that's just what the director calls his actors so you can rest easy.) they find it is all a cemetery. I think the writer of the film got a little confused at this point because things become contradictory. 'Hallowed ground' instead of being holy is described as so full of evil psychic energy that Satan and his demons love to feed there because that's where the most horrible and violent of criminals are buried. On hallowed ground? Ummm.... never  mind. They dig up a body who's hair is blue for some reason (And I swear I saw him giggling but the whole film is in the dark so...)  and propped him up on a cross to do this Satanic ritual (I'm not Catholic but I'm pretty sure that if they were that would be a self-defeating move). Alan (the director) produces a grimoire (pronounced grim war but he calls it a grameer - ha!) and starts his groovy little recitation. It fails. The Jewish princess of the group (this film is not progressive, it stereotypes everyone, including two gay actors who show up later) starts her own recitation which is actually funny. In a Yiddish accent she starts calling Satan names, even uses God's real name (Jehovah, which is rare for a film) and basically calls Satan a yutz. Great googly chutzpah! Nothing happens.


Okay my babies, your minds are about to be blown so hold on tight. They drag the corpse back to the caretaker's cabin (who is tied up against a tree although the director claims he's dead). They then perform a wedding ceremony for the director and the corpse and he takes his new dead male bride to bed. Are your minds completely blown yet? Well hang on....

Finally, an hour into the movie we see the appearance of the first zombie. The ceremony (or Yiddish name-calling) has actually worked. From there my babies we hit pay dirt (sorry). There are actually quite a few 'zombies' out there and even though the actors hide in the cabin they get killed one by one. The director and a spacey chick are the last - they attempt to get upstairs but are overwhelmed. He then shoves the girl into the zombie pack so he can get away (We The Walking Dead fans would say he 'Shane'd' her). But getting to his room he is met by the fatal embrace of his 'bride' who finally has joined the other dead in, uh, waking up I suppose.

The last scene is all the zombies getting on the boat presumably to go to the mainland to eat more  people, or just to get out of the movie. And that's the end my babies, you dig? No? Expand your minds and enjoy the hipness. Or just watch something else. It's all good.


What do you mean what does 'Zreaks' mean? That's not cool, man.

Old Movies Revisited Just For The Fun Of It


Flash Gordon (1980)


This of course is not a horror movie. It wasn't even a great movie. Even seeing it as a kid (I WAS one of those once) I remember thinking how cheesy it was - but it was still fun. And if you can forget all the inconsistencies, the continuity (or lack of, it really doesn't have any) and bad special effects you can just sit back and enjoy a silly ride.


My biggest enjoyment with this movie was the soundtrack, entirely played by Queen. I remember listening to that album (You know - those black round things that made music when a needle touched them?) over and over again. Because of it, I have a lot of the dialogue tattooed on my brain even after 32 years.


Flash Gordon is an British-American film that was shot in Scotland and England with, of course, an English band performing the soundtrack.


Flash, played by Sam Jones with tongue firmly in cheek, of course must save the world from the evil Emperor Ming the Merciless (somehow they got Max von Sydow to do this role) who plans on crashing the moon into planet Earth. Flash, together with Dale (Melody Anderson) get into all types of trouble and danger but managing to come out super clean and picture perfect no matter what happens to them (Flash not only appears in each new scene with clean clothes, but showered and his hair freshly blow-dried - doesn't matter if he's been in a fight, gotten cut with a whip, fallen into a swamp or swallowed by a monster. Super duper clean. He's the might Flash after all.....).

Timothy Dalton

Watching the movie now is even more fun now that some of the actors have done a lot more things and we recognize them in their early appearances. These include Timothy Dalton (a future incarnation of James Bond), Brian Blessed (an English actor, I know him best as Blackadder's father in Blackadder I) and Richard O'Brien (the ever present and singing Riff-Raff from Rocky Horror Picture Show).


Now it's rumored that Sam Jones had a hissy toward the end of post production and quit the whole thing, making them find a person to dub his dialogue (imitating his voice) and ending any hope of a sequel. Don't know if that is a fact but it is kind of funny. Flash Gordon didn't do well in America but was a big hit in the UK.


So don't be cynical (like I've just been) and pretend you're watching a cartoon - which is basically what it is anyway. And listen to the cool soundtrack. You won't be sorry.

Brian Blessed

Richard O'Brien

Ornella Muti and Max von Sydow

Outright Rip-Offs of George Romero Movies


Flight Of The Living Dead: Outbreak On A Plane aka Plane Dead (2007)


This one's gonna be short. Not because the movie was short, but because it was just waaaay too dumb. The title is an obvious attempt to trick the audience into thinking this is a Romero film. Thankfully it isn't, because I'd really be disappointed in him right now.


Basic plot: Snakes on a plane, except with zombies. Now I'm not saying it's a SOAP ripoff because it actually filmed during the same time as the other movie and was produced independently. But..... given the choice, I'd take the snakes.


Basic plot: On a routine flight from Los Angeles to Paris, scientists has smuggled aboard a secret container holding the wife of one of them infected with a deadly genetically engineered virus which reanimates the dead. Their goal was to produce soldiers who could continue fighting, even while mortally wounded. These are your sporty zombies - they're fast, leap around, do all kinds of things and are super strong. She's in a container which conveniently breaks during air turbulence. The uninfected passengers must now fight the zombies at 30,000 feet.  Maybe they'll become members of the Mile High Zombie Club (sorry).


Nobody wants them to land, leaving the survivors stranded in the sky. Fighter jets are deployed to blow them up, to eradicate the infected (to heck with the survivors). Two of the survivors attempt to signal the fighter jets by making the airplane wings wiggle. The fighter sees this, calls off the strike and the missile explodes besides the plane making a hole and sucking the zombies out (so much for no contamination on the ground). The plane crashes in Missouri and the remaining survivors find that some zombies didn't splat so well, so there is more fighting to do, presumably setting it up for a sequel which thankfully so far has not happened.

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?"


The Girl Next Door (2007)
The Woman (2011)


Sorry Jack Ketchum, you are squarely in my crosshairs today. Both of these movies are classified as 'horror' - I would say they fall better into the category of psychological thrillers. Fictional thrillers. In movies and television a 'bad' movie or show could mean several things. It could mean a bad script, bad actors, bad ideas, bad execution etc. (see The Host). It can also mean there was an original idea, the script was okay and the film halfway decently made but it really shouldn't have been (see Deadgirl). These two films, adaptations of Jack Ketchum's novels are in the latter category.


The Girl Next Door: First, any movie that claims to be 'based on true events' raises an instant red flag with me. There are a lot of movies that claim to be 'true stories' even if they take a tiny grain of an incident and blow it up into 90 minutes of movie. Famous examples: The Exorcist (no, no little girl made beds spin, killed priests and said things like 'Your mother sews socks that smell'  - oh wait, that was an old SNL skit, but better than what she actually said). The reality is that it was a very old, not well documented so-called 'exorcism' of a boy that ended in no deaths. Another is The Amityville Horror - a way overblown treatment of a family's claim of strange noises and one supposed thrown object which could have easily been done by one of the kids. The reality? No flies, no bleeding walls, no father driven to madness to try to kill his family.


Okay, so with the Girl Next Door Jack Ketchum decides to make it as sick as possible. The film is set in 1958 (the actual 'incident' was in 1965) and follows the story of two girls, who are sent to live with their Aunt Ruth Chandler, a sadistic psychopath, and their cousins. David is neighbor to the Chandlers. Aunt Ruth allows the children of the neighborhood to travel freely in and out of her house, offering them beer and cigarettes. Meg (one of the girls) quickly becomes a target to Ruth, who belittles her, making suggestions that she is a whore, and starves her. 

Ruth, her children and their friends tie Meg in the cellar with her hands over her head. The kids of the town treat her like a plaything, beating, cutting and burning her. Sounds like a certain town could use a controlled Nuclear strike about now. David decides (NOW he decides?) to help her escape. The next day, David finds Meg tied to the bed, being raped. Ruth then decides that they should make Meg 'perfect' by giving her a clitorectomy, thus "destroying her desire for men forever." He can only watch helplessly as Meg is mutilated with a blowtorch.

Are we squriming with disgust yet? It gets worse but basically the point is that David tries to get help FINALLY to free Meg but is too late - she has died from her wounds. Did we learn anything except how to lose our lunch? No. Was this scary? No, it was sick. Was there a monster that was eventually vanquished (even if its resurrected for yet another sequel)? We don't know what happens to the sick family. Was it worth anyone's time? Nope. And I doubt that much of it, except for the possible murder itself, was a 'true story.'

The Woman is a sequel to an equally awful film The Offspring - if you've seen that you know that it's about cavemen-like wild people living on the east coast who are also cannibals. Apparently this 'Woman' is the last of them. A seeming normal middle of the road man with a normal middle of the road family captures her for no reason whatsoever, convinced that with 'training' she can become civilized. Why? To make this movie, silly. Jeez, does everything need a logical reason? There are no cops, no doctors, just this seemingly nice guy with a nice family. And the sickness begins. The children are now shown to be clearly damaged, the son a sadistic little bastard, the oldest daughter withdrawn and neglected, the youngest daughter - well, they really don't have much to say about her, the mother being beaten and cowered into 'proper submission' (movie idea, not my opinion).

The Woman is not going to take being chained up in a cellar without a fight. The father's first attempt (oh yes, he is an extremely sadistic bastard and we now know who taught the son his behavior) ends in his ring finger being bitten off. She gleefully chews up his finger and swallows, spitting out the ring. Wow. Let the torture begin. Each family member's true colors come out and it is show that but for the two girls all equally are deserving of about a million volts through the head.

The oldest daughter is actually pregnant. A teacher who can't help but notice her 'baby bump' comes to the house and attempts to talk to the father (who has just beaten his wife so badly she is unconscious in the kitchen). In a fit of rage the father kills the teacher. For the oldest girl, this is the last straw. She runs out to the shed where The Woman is kept, and frees her. The Woman then proceeds to kill the son (yay), the father (big yay) and the ineffective mother (okay). She then grabs the hand of the youngest daughter who smiles up at her and starts to leave. The oldest daughter watches the two of them go, thinks a moment, then joins them. The end. Thank God.

What's the old saying? Just because something can be done doesn't mean that it should. Listen up Mr. Ketchum.

Character Actors You've Probably Seen A Lot Of But Don't Realize It:    


Lance Henrickson


You've seen his face everywhere on both television and in the movies. From uncredited cameos to starring roles, Lance Henrickson is another actor that will make me watch any movie in which he appears (Even Hellraiser: Hellworld - the only hell in that movie was watching it. Woof.). He is also the kind of guy that will be very handsome no matter how old he gets (he's 72).

Bishop in Aliens

I first noticed him in Aliens (1986) as Bishop, the android. He was great. Looking for him in other things was pretty easy - he's another been there done everything kind of guy.

Frank Black in Millenium

I loved the series Millenium where he played Frank Black, a former FBI agent who has the ability to get into the minds of killers. Sort of. Enough to catch them anyway. The plot was good at first: It is the years before 2000 and it played on people's fears of what would happen globally when the new millenium arrived. At first it was great but they kept messing with it so much that when it ended it was almost a relief. Talk about taking a great series and mucking it up.

Hal Vukovich in Terminator

Lance had what some would call a 'late start' in the acting business, having his first role while in his 30's. Although best known as Bishop from Aliens, three prominent franchise roles have been written for him although he would only star in one of them. James Cameron wrote The Terminator (1984) hoping he would play the title character before Arnold was cast. Chris Carter created Millennium (1996) specifically for him, then convinced him to become hero Frank Black. Lastly, Victor Salva wrote Jeepers Creepers (2001) with him in mind for the role of the Creeper, but he wasn't cast. Probably just as well. JC 1 and 2 were real stinkers.

Jesse Hooker in Near Dark

Not to say Lance hasn't had his share of, ummm, not-so-good horror movies under his belt (Anyone remember the Pumpkinhead series? Probably just as well.) But whether the movie/television show is good or bad, Lance gives consistently good performances.




Lance was born and raised in New York City and had a somewhat difficult childhood. He got his first acting job in a stage play simply because he helped build the set. In his 30's he graduated from the Actors Guild. Since he could not read, he taught himself by studying movie scripts. Pretty impressive. 




He has done character voices in many cartoons as well as video games. He is still active in film, television, commercials, voice-overs and as an artist. He is a real gentleman and a pleasure to watch.

Movies So Bad They Make You Say "What In The Blazes Did I Just Watch?"


Deadgirl (2008)


What makes a monster? Is it what you are or how you act? That seems to be the main question raised by this film. I have no idea why the title is all one word. This is technically a zombie film, but mostly it just makes you squirm to have to look at it. I'm not recommending this at all, just giving basic details.


 Two friends, Rickie and J.T. cut school and decide to check out an old hospital that has been closed down for a long time. In a basement room they find a woman chained to a bed, covered in plastic. Although they believe her to be dead she moves when they remove the plastic.


Not going into a lot of detail here because it's just - wrong. Basically they decide to use their new toy as ummm a way to satisfy teenage urges. Eww even that was gross to write.


I should say one decides, the other sees her as a victim, not a thing. He leaves. The other uses her, makes his friend come back and shows him that she is actually undead, as he stabs her repeatedly without effect. His friend actually brings other boys down to the basement so they can 'play' too.


The boy that sees her as a victim, feeling bad for her, attempts to free her. He doesn't but it's enough where she manages to infect the boys abusing her. Eventually she escapes.


Why was this movie made? Why do they make movies about young people that no one no matter what age should really watch? Now that you know, it's a good idea to pass on this one. 

Movies That Don't Suck


Nightbreed (1990)


This oldie but goodie is toward the top of my faves. It contains one of my favorite lines in a movie: 'It's all true. God is an astronaut. Oz is over the rainbow. And Midian is where the monsters live.'

Based on Clive Barker's novella Cabal this is truly an inventive and - it sounds weird - a beautiful film in its portrayal of all the different 'monsters' that live (or not live) in Midian (a huge cemetery in the middle of nowhere).

 The plot: Aaron Boone (Craig Scheffer) has had a hard life. Night terrors, psychological problems and behavioral problems have followed him since he was a kid. His psychiatrist (uh oh, another mental professional, this won't be good) Dr. Philip Decker (David Cronenberg, who also has directed other movies) tries his best to help Aaron get over his obsession with monsters. Meanwhile, whole families in his area are being slaughtered by a man we see in a canvas mask with button eyes and a zipper mouth (how did he see out of that thing?). The good doctor convinces Aaron that he is the murderer and should give himself up. After giving Aaron a powerful psychedelic drug (told you) he sends him off, giving him 24 hours. Aaron, high as a kite and suicidal, steps in front of a large truck. He's put in the hospital, where he hears the patient next to him pleading to be taken to Midian. This is the place Aaron keeps dreaming about so he quizzes the man on how to get there. He takes off.

Peloquin, my fave!

He finds the place and also finds a couple of it's inhabitants: Peloquin (Oliver Parker) who was my fave monster and also the source of the quote above, and Kinski (Nicholas Vince). Aaron wants to join him but Peloquin wants him for dinner. After Peloquin bites Aaron, he escapes out of Midian only to met by a bunch of police officers who gun him down.

Aaron's girlfriend Lori (Anne Bobby) identifies the body and asks where they found him. Soon after his body disappears from the morgue. Peloquin's bite has made him 'nightbreed' and he is now accepted at Midian. Lori can't just let him go so she runs off to find him.

Aaron is inducted into the Nightbreed 'family'

Again, this is a very detailed, almost beautiful movie as far as special effects and makeup go. Each 'monster' is different and they have different abilities and different ways of being killed (again I guess).

Meanwhile Dr. Decker (who you probably guessed is the real murderer in the bizarre mask) goes after Aaron, knowing he's still alive (not, but oh well). He tortures an old man into telling him about Midian (thus bringing another one of my favorite lines - Decker: Who's buried out at Midian? Old Man: Dead folk!) and gets a bunch of law officers together (they're not portrayed positively either) to go destroy Midian.

I dreamt him....

A battle ensues and Aaron is blamed for Midian's impending destruction although supposedly it was prophesied that he would. The 'God' of the Nightbreed, Baphomet, tells Aaron that his name is now Cabal (which means group of people united in a common way which is ????) and that he's the new leader of the Nightbreed and has to find them a new place to live. Thus the setup for a sequel which sadly never came about.

Filth breeding filth breeding filth...

This is definitely worth a look - it's another one of those kinds of movies where the "normal" humans are shown to be more monstrous than the "monsters" they set out to kill. It's a good adaptation of Clive Barker's story and keeps pretty true to the main premise. I've read Cabal a dozen times or more, watch Nightbreed at least that much. It's just a great visual film that unfortunately is all too rare.