I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

A Most Unspectacular Craptacular Movie Marathon Weekend 


First of all, thank all of you for putting me over 6,000 views - that is really special to me and I never thought I would ever have so many readers - give yourselves a hand, you deserve it! Second I know I've been slacking off a bit, but between health issues, a sick puddy cat and other bothersome things you don't want to know about it's been kind of... hard to get it together and get movies on here. I noticed that coming up on IFC this month is Atrocious and Repo: The Genetic Opera (snickers loudly). That ought to be fun... for those suckers who don't know what they're getting into when they sit to watch them. Oh Repo had its moments and Joan Jett made the movie, even if only for about ten seconds, but still... and they've released (if you get Netflix) the top movies to watch for October and all I have to say is - you might want to check their list against my blog before you commit yourselves to hours of... torture.

All right, as for my most unspectacular weekend - I call it that because not a single movie I saw deserves its own review. That's right folks, it was all pure crap - only one was worth watching and that's only if you like the 50's style comic book type of horror. If not.... The goal was to clear my DVR of some things I've been keeping because people kept insisting these movies MUST be seen. Not going to say exactly who but.. plbbbbt on all of you 'cause it was horrible!

Death Row aka Haunted Prison (2006): An abandoned prison. A dark past. An evil that will not die. Uh huh. This movie takes terrible to a new level and, I must admit to be perfectly honest, makes it a little funny to watch. Now, no disrespect to Jake Busey, but if you want to see a guy outdo his old man as far as overacting, twitching, spazzing and generally being a goofball, this is a good movie to watch. Yes, I do confess I've seen this movie more than once because he's just so darn fun to ridicule! There's also Stacey Keach (briefly) doing a good bit about being a 'good guard' within this evil prison - as he's telling the Scooby gang who wants to do a documentary about Isla De La Roca (Rock Island, real original guys) about how he barely escaped with his life because 'somebody' went nuts and started a riot and mass murder of both inmates and guards, it is shown that the 'somebody' was him. Heh heh... Danny Trejo, who seems to get a least a bit in all these types of movies does NOT play a janitor (Hey, I hear he's in an upcoming film about being a zombie killer too - not a janitor. Cool!) but a Catholic priest (Really, do these guys get to wear ponytails?) who was 'fresh from the seminary' but immediately felt the corruption of this place. Yeah, it's your typical 'a lot of people died here horribly so the prison is haunted' type of movie, but between some little giggles (and watching Jake twitch up a storm) it's almost passable. Who lives? Ah, that wouldn't be fair. Let's just say that the gore is very respectable, the effects are okay, the story ridiculous and the acting laughable. And we'll leave it at that.

Hush (2009) British: This is a good example of something that could have been good but gets so mucked up that it turns to crap. The synopsis is almost original: A couple, while driving (and hating each other) get cut off by a large white truck while going through construction - the back door comes up a little and the driver can see that there are naked women in cages in the back. All right, that's a little different. The driver looks for a license plate - they've caked it with mud. It stops at a service station and so do they. And here where interest wanes because they muck this up so badly (it is British after all and no, I'm not prejudiced, I just think their idea of horror is... off). You just start to not really care what happens to any of them. Long story (and it seemed waaay too long) the girlfriend gets snatched while they're at the service station, he goes on a one-man rescue mission (DUH), stealing cars when his runs out of gas, leaving bodies they kill behind making the police think he's a killer as well as car thief and the ending is... unsatisfactory to say the least. They explain nothing, resolve nothing, and the whole premise is never expounded or made into a satisfactory story. In other words, they took an idea and thought they could fill 90 minutes with it. Nope.

Mulberry Street (2007): There's nothing more disappointing than watching a movie that you think is about a rat-plague started zombie invasion which turns out to be... a rat-plague started infestation that turns all who are bitten into... are you ready? Human rats. No shit. I was waiting for zombies, I mean they certainly acted like 'em, wanting to chew on each other and attacking (fast little buggers) but... see this takes place in Manhattan, where a developer has decided he's going to personally drive up the cost of living so much that everyone will pretty much have to leave - he's doing a ton of digging, making new high rises, tearing down old ones... and stirring up the rats. And apparently pissing them off. Soon the subways are rife with the nasty little things and they're biting everyone in sight. Mixed in this extremely depressing scenario is the story of a dad and his gay 'friend' waiting for his daughter to come home - she apparently had been serving her country, getting her face scarred up for her troubles (they keep making a big deal out of that but she didn't look bad at all) and she ends up having to hoof it through the whole city because by this time all transportation is gone and the streets are blocked. I'm sorry, but I really lost interest when the tenement's super got bit and was shaving the tops of his ears and checking his little sharp teeth. I'll repeat that. HE WAS SHAVING THE TOPS OF HIS EARS BECAUSE HE WAS TURNING INTO A RAT. And that's the big story. Who lives? What do you think? If pretty much the whole city of Manhattan is running around with sharp teeth and a tendency to eat each other, you think the government is really gonna help? Really? Well, if you do, watch and see...

Necromentia (2009): Okay I gave this another try because I saw it a bit ago and understood not one single minute of it. Gee, what a surprise, nothing changed. This horrid bit of totally confusing gore and self-mutilation with some necrophilia and outright ripoffs of Hellraiser and even Welcome To The Black Parade, a music video by My Chemical Romance just killed any sense of even wanting to try to understand what the hell was going on. And if you watch it, what the hell will be the phrase you will find yourself repeating a LOT. This is how wiki puts it because I would just keep repeating what the hell so see for yourself: Travis cares for his mentally disabled younger brother and works as a torturer for hire. He is also addicted to ketamine, that sends him to this... hallway where he meets Morbius. Morbius informs Travis that his brother has been taken by another demonic troublemaker called Mister Skinny. Mister Skinny appears as a diaper-wearing fat butcher in a pig mask who first entices the boy to eviscerate his slumbering baby-sitter (pretty damn good for a kid with cerebal palsy). If Travis helps Morbius exact vengeance then Morbius will allegedly help Travis find his dead brother.

Travis has to find Hagen who stole Elizabeth and carve demonic symbols into Hagen's back and send him straight into the utility tunnel, err, I mean Hell, where he is gruesomely mutilated by a monstrous eyeless beast before ever setting out in search of his lover. Travis follows in search of his own brother and is disabled and dragged into the darkness by the hideous beast. Best line of the whole movie? Travis is told 'Disappointed there's no fire and brimstone? It's just a boring place with no beginning or end'. Amen to that one!

Morbius is then shown as being the beast and being controlled by another entity who looks like a gray-skinned adult man in a gas mask (Welcome To The Black Parade bitches.). It is then discovered that Morbius was a mute who worked as a bartender and dabbled in the occult. Morbius' girlfriend was Elizabeth. Hagen inadvertently becomes a murderer by killing the mute with a folding chair after Morbius manages to choke the life out of his treacherous girlfriend. Morbius abruptly finds himself in Hell and facing the gas-masked entity, who reveals himself to be a visage of Elizabeth's unborn son. Morbius pleads for revenge and the entity agrees on the condition that Morbius will then belong to the entity, as the act of revenge will ensure that Morbius will be lost to the darkness forever. Morbius agrees, then collapses to the floor, where he slowly is shown becoming his demonic form, with paper white skin and hair, and solid black eyes. He then continues to transform further until eventual becoming the large mutilated demon (Hellraiser bitches!), who was seen exacting its revenge against Hagen, and dragging Travis away.

And if you understood even a single word of that, you're a much better horror fan than I am my friend. Yuck!

Creepshow (1982): I'm sorry, I just love these kind of movies. They're silly, not at all scary, packed full of actors you would recognize if you're from that era, and the wraparound of the comic book leading you through each story is just a lot of fun. This was overseen by George Romero, a screenplay by Stephen King, with makeup by Tom Savini so you know it gets my vote. I would give it its own review but... ah, I'll just put it in here. Besides, many of you probably have already seen it at least once. As you probably know (and if you don't, look it up, it's a lot of fun) it consists of a short wraparound with five short stories that are both silly and 50's version of creepy. But hey, there's zombies... Who could possibly resist the most over-the-top acting job by Stephen King as he plays dimwit Jordy Verrill in a story so silly it'll make you bust a gut. Don't expect scares, just watch for fun and to see some of Tom Savini's early work... it is worth the time.

Teeth (2009): This was one of those 'DVR'd it about six times, started watching it twice, lost interest. Your basic story - this is about the myth (and it IS a myth, and an old one) about the condition of vagina dentata (toothed vagina). Okay, a short story at most to make this interesting but no, they want a whole movie. I looked this up and no, no one has ever had this 'condition' - the only case even close was a woman who had cysts that were almost as hard as 'teeth' but they were easily removed... this movie is mostly about, if you haven't guessed already, female empowerment especially in the face of abuse and some really bloody revenge. REALLY bloody. Basically the story is if you piss this girl off do NOT have sex with her. She manages to maim and kill those who hurt her, whether by trying to force themselves on her, or just giving her a medical exam (there's been a time or two when during one of those I wish I had teeth down there too). Okay, one or two scenes of toothy revenge is more than enough, making a whole movie was just... awful. I've been told this movie is 'hilarious' - must not be my kind of humor. At all.

There were others that were sooooo awful I couldn't even write down a basic synopsis, much less watch the whole thing, sorry. I'm sure those movies will come back soon as certain channels seem to have a heavy rotation of the same movies (for example thanks to Comedy Central I get to watch Shaun Of The Dead at least twice a month) so you may be seeing them later. But right now my blood pressure is through the roof, my darling boy Max, though eating well and cuddling the best he can has continually infected eyes (they really need to come out - he's blind anyway - but I don't know that he'd survive that) and to say I've been as down as a shut-in can be is an understatement. But this IS October, the month of marathon horror movies, so I will plug on, and thank you all again for reading.