A Haunting In Salem (2011)
Oh, you say, there's a new movie on the Salem witch trials? Must have something better, original, a new take on a series of events over a century old? Oh no my children, in fact, this movie could have been (and probably was) released almost as is in the 50's, the 60's, the 70's, the 80's... and so on. What I'm saying is this is so dated and predictable, you know how it's going to end before the beginning even gets going. And it's not good. AND they served up this horrific piece of dreck in 3D. I guess to make all those hanging scenes extra special. What's really funny (not) is that the movie company Asylum claims to have made this movie 'old school' using very little special effects. Right. I guess 3D isn't special anymore. The premise is overused, thin, and horribly boring. You don't even care when people start to die, because that means when they're all dead the movie will be over. This movie rips off so many other movies that the list would be longer than the review. And do you know how many movies have the words 'A Haunting' in them? Way too many. And that's just in this country.
The most infamous trials were conducted by the Court of Oyer and Terminer in 1692 in Salem Town. It ended after nineteen persons hanged (none of ill repute, in fact they were active in the church), the death of one priest, 50 confessions (all obtained under torture), 150 in prison (where more than a few died) and 200 more were accused, but not prosecuted. That's the most interesting part about this movie you're gonna hear and only in my review, they just say 'In 1692 19 witches were hanged.' That's a matter of opinion to say the least. But I'm stuck with this so here it goes (and remember, you've seen it before so...):
Approximately 60 years ago, someone kills Sheriff Underhill's family (The film's very first shot is horrible - there's sunlight (or a lamp) hazing the camera lens, even though this is supposed to be at night.). He takes a gallon of gas, pours it over the house and family (wow, one gallon goes a long way) and tries to light a match. Before he can, he's flung out the window and dies. The daughter, the only remaining family member is put in a psych ward and eventually commits suicide. Skip ahead to present day.
A new Sheriff to Salem, Mass. (the film was actually made in California) gets a free house with his new job, just like every Sheriff before him. We're talking about one of those huge beautiful houses that no one should be able to afford, and he gets it for free? Oh and as a side point, the house on the movie poster is NOT the house in the movie. Anyway, his name is Wayne Downs (Bill Oberst, Jr., probably more seen in films like Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, and Abe Lincoln VS. Zombies) who together with his wife Carrie and kids Ali and Kyle start their new life. We get vague references that he hasn't worked for some time, he spent time in the army and has PTSD, and other baggage. But hey, free house. The Corwin house was built in 1692 (Oh come on can we have ANYTHING subtle or original here?).
Right away we have the required 'ghost house' stuff. There are banging noises, items moved, and someone named 'Salem 1692' (real subtle guys) keeps emailing the girl Ali. When she repeatedly asks the name, she keeps getting '19' (again, real subtle). Oh and the occasional rotted witch appearing for a second, then disappearing. The movie drags horribly. Finally a dimwitted gardener breaks a stone (Quick - call the media!) and scared, keeps apologizing which lasts... until he's killed. See, there are 19 stones for the 19 bodies buried on the property. Oookay. Hearing noises the father goes outside and finds him. Being movie stupid, all the police conclude he's killed himself. He's way up in a freaking tree for crying out loud with no way to climb and no ladder but... you know what? Never mind - it's gonna get worse. The family doesn't believe Wayne (surprise, surprise) about his hearing of the house's history of murder. It gets bad enough where the wife is going to take the kids and leave him. He's glad - they'll be safe. They sent for the Deputy to pick them up (What, no taxi service?). Before they can leave, they find the Deputy hanging on their front porch (NOW they're beginning to believe him, duh.) and the nosy Historical Society lady that first greeted them hanging in their kitchen. Wayne tells his family that under the floorboards he found a packet with obituaries of every Sheriff in Salem since 1692 - all died in the house, none in the line of duty. The first Sheriff, Corwin, is the one who hanged the witches and buried them on his property. Why? For giggles? Massive duh. But they're now convinced, grab stuff and attempt to leave. 
Then mom gets pushed down the stairs. Not dead yet. The dad gets shoved out the window a la Underhill. Not dead yet. The daughter, who of course by now is possessed, greets her mom who had come upstairs to get her with a large knife. NOW she's dead. Her brother shows up next - baseball bat to the head time. And c'mon, can you at LEAST sync up the sound? The crack of the bat is a good two seconds before the actual impact. Very very sloppy. He's dead. The dad comes back in the house - his son is hung and dead, his wife hung and dead. We then get a 'Carrie' moment as Ali, now inexplicably covered from head to foot in blood, is found in her room. In the typical 'We're all in here sucka' voice she tells him that all the Sheriffs have to die for killing them (Why? Oops, sorry, looking for logic again). She throws him against a wall. As she begins to strangle him, he stabs her in the neck. After she dies he, having used that magical one gallon can of gas to cover the place and his family, attempts to light his lighter. As he does (in the dark) we see Carrie standing in back of him - uh I mean his daughter. The end. And you're welcome.
No comments:
Post a Comment