Chamber Of Horrors (1966)Seems 'tis the season of musicals and wax museum movies. I came across this one by pure accident, thinking it another of Vincent Price's masterpieces but no, this is another House Of Wax, except a totally different story and a gimmick worthy of the great William Castle himself. As the movie starts, we get a 'warning' about the extreme scariness of the picture (narrated by William Conrad) - already funny. As a 'visual and auditory warning' of the 'Four Supreme Fright Points' you will see the 'Fear Flasher' (mainly red flashing nauseatingly over a scene) and hear the 'Horror Horn' (very VERY irritating). It goes on to instruct that when this occurs, you must cover your eyes or turn your head away..... FUNNY!!! Even funnier is that it is NOT a William Castle picture, nor does it star Vincent Price.
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| It's 1966 and I'm STILL the old guy? |
We instead get a cast including Patrick O'Neal, Cesare Danova, Wilfrid Hyde-White,Wayne Rogers and Laura Devon. As another gimmick there are several cameos - the only one I knew was Tony Curtis (a 10 second part at best) but apparently also Suzy Parker and Marie Windsor. This, although being incredibly tame by today's standards (and thus the 'warnings' being so damn funny) was made for television but considered 'too intense' and so released in the theaters. There is so much to giggle about in this movie I had more fun pointing out all the errors and silliness - even the hubby got into it, stating that the 'dead' girl with the cat on her chest could clearly be seen breathing as the cat moved up and down...
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| 'till death do you... uh, wait... |
So we have Jason Cravette (Patrick O'Neal looking pretty handsome I must say), a rather interesting psychopath who kills women then marries them. Kills, THEN marries them. Hmm. Anywho he is caught in quick order despite it being set in 1880's Baltimore (mostly because the preacher he forced at gunpoint to perform the 'marriage' promptly squealed) and he is convicted and sentenced to hang. On the train headed to the penitentiary and his final destination he is cuffed to a wheel outside the car while the cop gathers their things (FLASH FLASH FLASH REE REE REE REE!!!!!) and we have our movie sign... oops that's MST3K, sorry, we have our first warning. Of course a hatchet is within Jason's grasp and he takes it and chops... the wheel. Huh? That was scary? He gets the wheel off and dives into a river they're passing over. Now in the water weighted down, he must take the hatchet and... we assume, nothing is shown, hacks off his hand. As the hand and some of his clothes are all that is found, he's presumed dead.
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| You are a very VERY lucky woman... |
Enter our House Of Wax, run by two apparent amateur criminologists, the suave Cesare Danova and voice of reason Wilfrid Hyde-White. Meanwhile Cravette got down to New Orleans and found a Chinese Tattoo Parlor that also apparently does superior prosthesis work. By a guy who had neither a Southern accent nor was he Chinese. Oh he was dressed in the pajamas and hat with a long ponytail but... nope. This isn't a particularly enlightened movie - he also finds an, ahem, lady willing to do anything for cash to be his 'lure' to get the men he plans to kill. Cravette has lured the judge to his parlor so to speak (FLASH FLASH FLASH REE REE REE REE!!!!!) and here's number two - also a dud. Nothing is shown but the fact that one of his prosthetics is a cleaver. Wayne Rogers is the cop in charge, but he soon goes to the House Of Wax for advice after a headless, armless body is found and they don't know how to identify it... well, the note left makes it pretty clear the body is of the judge who pronounced Cravette's sentence. They deduce Cravette is not only alive, but back in town and getting revenge. He next wants to get revenge on the doctor who examined him. Why? Because HE WASHED HIS HANDS AFTER HE EXAMINED HIM like he was 'filthy'. No, that's just... you know what? Never mind. So anyway (FLASH FLASH FLASH REE REE REE REE!!!!!) would you cut that damn stuff out - I'm getting a headache! To get back at him again it's implied and not shown but he cuts off the doctors hands. Hope he washed afterwards.
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| You DO know I get paid by the micro second, right? |
The two from the House Of Wax are getting nervous - it was their deduction that helped find Cravette's hiding place after all - what part of his cadaver Frankenstein is he saving them for? The now-sergeant played by Wayne Rogers is determined to (FLASH FLASH FLASH REE REE REE REE!!!!!)... Sigh. All right, that's four so KNOCK IT OFF! Yes, the poor officer ends up on the dead list after Cravette somehow shows up with a prosthetic wax hand with a pistol underneath that shoots him. What was that? How was the trigger pulled? I dunno, go ask Sons Of Guns or something, sheesh, I just do movies.
So we've got four seizure producing warnings so it's over, right? Nope. He's got to fight with the handsome Cesare in a final battle to the death inside the wax museum - and keep that warning away, you've had your four. Despite their claims of scary scenes, this is the ONLY scene where they show the actual violence - after a protracted battle, Cravette falls against the wax figure of himself holding a sword and is pierced through. Not very possible or plausible, but it got the job done and the movie is over... until the two would-be detectives find that a real woman has been placed inside the Iron Maiden and then... oh geez, were they planning a sequel or series or something? Oh well, didn't happen, so we're done. REE REE REE KNOCK THAT OFF!!!
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