I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To

One Damn Mario Bava Movie At A Time

Dr. Goldfoot And The Girl Bombs (1966) Italian

I keep feeling compelled to apologize even though this blog is purely for fun and I don't have a deadline or a minimum of movie reviews to put up per week... it's just that some weeks are much harder than others, and with the events of the day and the events in my personal life being as they are right now, writing about anything, much less something funny is just about damned impossible. I saw this movie what, three, four days ago and I still haven't done the review? Maybe it's the thought of reviewing a comedy about violence when violence seems to be all we've had before our eyes lately. Oh, and I couldn't stand this movie anyway.

Vincent Price... comedy... nope... well, if... nope.

Have I mentioned that I absolutely hate slapstick? Now that isn't to say that I don't appreciate the great talent it takes to truly pull it off and how it was (and continues for some) to be so important to those needing distraction and humor in their lives. Charlie Chaplin, The Three Stooges, Pink Panther, Monty Python, Benny Hill - all may have seemed to be simple silliness but there was a great art to it and they did it well. So why, why, why did the great Mario Bava get involved with this horrid spoof of spy movies (Goldfinger in particular) and precursor to the Austin Powers series (Admit it Michael Myers, you got the whole idea from these movies.)? Unfortunately for you I'm going to explain that. Apparently there was a first movie (can't find it, darn) called Dr. Goldfoot And The Bikini Machine. Oh cruel fates how you mock me for not finding that fine piece of... cinema. Especially since it contains the two most likely persons to star in such a comedic piece - Vincent Price and Fabian. Let me say that again. Vincent Price and Fabian. What. The. Hell.

Apparently, the first movie was made in the US and had minor success, but Italians, well they went nuts over it and it made a ton of money over there so the writers thought hey, let's make a sequel but move it to Italy, they'll give us whatever we want. Which they did. Including the famous Italian comedic team of Franco Franchi and Ciccio Ingrassia. And this... thing was made. With Vincent Price again. And Fabian. Have you ever heard Fabian sing? Well his acting is even worse. I've seen livelier performances from clay figures.

Sigh, anyway in the first movie Dr. Goldfoot, as evil geniuses must, tried to take over the world but was thwarted by the efforts of SIC (Security Intelligence Command) who for some inexplicable reason figured Fabian was their top agent. Was, 'cause in the second movie he's been ousted, but is still looking for Dr. Goldfoot who apparently escaped at the end of the first one dammit.

So Dr. Goldfoot (and I will say Vincent Price did give this a go - he is witty and charming after all, and breaking the fourth wall to explain his evil plan to the audience was mildly amusing) is going to blow up all of NATO's generals with girl bombs - robot girls who, when they 'vibrate' a certain way, explode. And all of course must wear gold bikinis and gold go-go boots. I think they must have emptied out every ballet class in Italy for this bunch of girls. For whatever reason, Dr. Goldfoot considers himself Chinese (?!?) and so all his cohorts are also Chinese (nice racism there) - like his female sidekick named Hardjob and his male strongman Fong. He eventually plans to replace the last general (who just happens to look exactly like him) and steal the 'big bomb' and smash it into Moscow, starting WWIII. In this movie, their logic is that the world will still exist after this and he and Peking plot to split up certain countries and properties afterward.

The Italian comedians were doormen but somehow are recruited into SIC and they, with Fabian perform this slapstick type of investigation (the two are one short of a Stooge 'cause Fabian can't be funny either) and we suffer through bad jokes, horrible physical comedy and Fabian (sorry, I just couldn't stand him).

I did like that SIC's main secret weapon was Rita the computer (made by IBM of course) which took up a whole freaking room just to produce punched computer cards (Remember those?) as answers to their questions. Other than that.... ye Gods it was awful. Why was Mario Bava, famous for his wonderful Gothic horror movies with lavish sets and entertaining stories attached to this poke-in-the-eye gee wasn't that funny comedy?


This was supposed to be Bava's first BIG American project. Poor man, how they must have bluffed him good, because this was full of sparse sets (Bava is famous for his detail-oriented sets) and even sparser dialogue. In fact, you could probably watch this movie and think it had no Director at all. That's probably what Bava wants people to think anyway. Okay to end this stinker - we have chases through Rome in traffic, and in the air (because hot air balloons can always overtake a bomb carrying airplane) culminating in more slapstick, an outright ripoff of both Benny Hill sped-up chases (without the Yakety Sax) and Peter Seller's Dr. Strangelove movie and finally the bomb lands in Siberia harmlessly into the snow (with the two French dudes riding the thing) and Fabian is told to just 'let the plane fly straight and it will go around the world and you will be home'. That's painful just to type. But the movie is over... but not. Dr. Goldfoot and his cohort Hardjob just happen to have an umbrella and even though, as the Dr. says to Hardjob 'You're no Mary Poppins' both jump from the plane, riding it to safety. And apparently hoped for a third movie. Which didn't happen. For which I am extremely grateful.