Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, November 30, 2015

A WHOLE NEW LOW FOR HORROR LOVERS EVERYWHERE





The Human Centipede: First Sequence (2009) US
The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence (2011) US
The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence (2015) US




In February of 2013 I took a double-dog dare that I couldn't make it through two 'The Human Centipede' movies and then review them. I sighed heavily, remembering what my blog is called. Yup, there might have to be a new type of horror genre created to describe these two horrid abortions of cinema.

But, of course, there was a third one.


Now the first movie was shot in the Netherlands; The second, in England. I tried to find out where the third took place - I just know it was flat, hot, and dry. Let's (briefly) review the first two:

The Human Centipede: First Sequence: This is a 15 minute movie that lasts 92 minutes. Because, be honest - the only reason you're watching this in the first place is to see three human beings sewed together. So you have three bandaged-together people. We get mild to severe gross-outs as the three try moving around, the stitches pull and then we get what the audience was probably waiting for - the eating sequence. After the first minute you've seen it and you're done. But the movie goes on. Is it gross? Yeah, kind of. Shocking? Eh - you knew what was going to happen so... Interesting? Like I said, maybe for a minute - then it's okay, let's move on - wait, that's it? Oh, they die. The end.


The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence: Was this film necessary in the slightest? Only if one wanted to see if the audience, already having seen three people sewn together would get squeamish again if MORE people were added to the chain. We have an asthmatic morbidly obese idiot who doesn't speak who obsessively watches the first HC movie over and over again. He gets space in a warehouse and starts conking people on the head with a crowbar to drag them to this place to make not three people sewn together, but ten. And, as in the first movie, we have the poop. Lots and lots of poop. 


Like in the first movie (since that's what this guy is copying in the first place) the people in the chain are shot full of laxatives and we get something that ten-year-olds would snicker at - lots and lots of diarrhea. Was this necessary? Well, if it's trying to out-gross the first one, job accomplished. 


It's not real looking enough to make you puke or anything, just an unnecessary gross-out to keep people wincing I guess. Grossing people out just to gross them out without a story or a reason seems really dumb to me, and pretty juvenile. Sorry Centipede fans, this just didn't seem like a 'horror' movie to me.


So what genre does that make this? Torture porn? Scatalogical porn? It certainly wasn't horror - unless you are really offended by poopie. Speaking of pure shit, let's (again briefly) review: 


The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence: This movie creates a whole new genre: Masturbatory porn. No, it's not full of people playing with themselves. I'm referring to the proud creator of these three totally unnecessary pieces of shit (pun intended); Tom Six. He tried to up the ante to the max but only proceeded to film a self-serving movie to crow at his own accomplishments. It wasn't enough that he was responsible for these films - he had to be in this one too.


The two psychos from movies one and two are here also - this time the German 'doctor' is playing a Texan - badly. The other psycho is his accountant. They're trying to figure out a way to save money on expenses. Umm, they're not paying for anything - why do they care? Hell, I don't know and I don't care.


The accountant thinks he has found a way - connect all the inmates, let the shit run its course, and save a bunch of money for... whatever. Tom Six supposedly was invited to check this idea out to see if it is 'medically accurate'. Duh. All the characters practically salivate over him, singing his praises about how 'wonderful' his two movies were. Sigh. Could his ego be ANY bigger? Geez. Oh, if you want to see this movie - watch it with the sound off. There's no important dialogue to speak of, besides, you know you're just watching it to see another line of butt-to-mouth people. 


Tom Six says he'll let them do it if he gets to watch one of the operations. What, he's got a patent on disgusting surgeries? Why the hell do they need HIS permission? Again, I do not care. But I did get a small chuckle when he finds out what they did to the 'lifers' - he pukes. That's about the range of his acting.


But the biggest disappointment that made me cringe (seeing prison inmates sewn together wasn't terribly scary) was the fact that Clayton Rohner, an actor I like and respect, actually played the 'surgeon' in this barf fest. The fact that Eric Roberts plays Texas' governor was just a minor irritation. I just shook my head and practically clapped when the movie was over.

There's one thing though. Okay, they sewed all the inmates together (meaning they had to be naked). So how the hell did they get their jumpsuits back on? Answer that Mr. Six, you self-serving bastard.