Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

IF YOU'RE TALKING EXPLOITATION, YOU MAY BE TALKING JACK HILL PART FOUR





Foxy Brown (1974)

No you young whippersnappers I am NOT referring to the female rapper of the same name. She wasn't even BORN yet when this movie was made. And I'm sorry, but Pam Grier has it all over that young lady as far as looks and talent. And that's TODAY people, not just when she was younger.

This movie was to showcase Pam Grier, with music by Willie Hutch, but the script follows along other Jack Hill movies.


Pam, who has a heroin pushing brother (Antonio Fargas - if you're just a little older you knew him as 'Huggy Bear' in Starsky and Hutch - if you're still scratching your head, skip it) is waiting for the release of her boyfriend from the hospital. 

No he's not there for sexual exhaustion, he's an informant who's had plastic surgery to hide his identity (although he stays with Pam who was known as his girlfriend - duh) and when the bandages come off, he's Colonel Tigh (Terry Carter)! Sigh, you don't know who that is, do you? Battlestar Galactica? The REAL one, not the one where everybody turns out to be a bloody Cylon.

Anywho, Huggy Bear is in trouble 'cause he's a few bucks short on a shipment and Colonel Tigh has a price on his head. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out who Foxy's new man is so Huggy Bear turns him in for the money. Nice. Colonel Tigh doesn't last even five minutes past that before he's shot down right in front of Foxy.

Now Foxy's no cop. She's not a detective, undercover, not an official anything. But she's mean and she's mad and that's enough. She goes on a one-woman rampage to wipe out the syndicate - no small task since they've paid off cops, judges, jurors, etc. plus having the required bevy of women who hate to wear tops to provide to the apparently all male system of justice. This is the 70's after all. You've got the language, the sexual biases, and heroin and cocaine run freely. Just recently a very popular TV personality got fired for saying a certain word - well, if your sensitive ears don't like that kind of language, better pass on this movie 'cause I think they use every derogatory race word in the urban dictionary.

She pieces together that the murderers run a 'modeling agency' and plans to infiltrate it to destroy them from the inside. When sent with a fellow 'model' to entertain some men of official position (which seemed to be sitting with topless women on their laps) she and the other lure a judge into the bedroom, strip him of his boxers and shove him out into the hallway where a bunch of prim and proper older ladies beat him with their purses and umbrellas (no I have no idea why they had umbrellas since it was summer). 

I was afraid we were going to get a very saggy sight of old man butt - however I guess that was a little too much even for Jack Hill, so this judge had tighty whities under his boxers. Dumb but a relief, trust me.





So eventually Foxy finds out that there's going to be a big shipment coming in from just over the Mexican border. The pilot (Sid Haig of course, although not being in the movie until over an hour into it) is of course persuaded by Foxy's charms to let her ride with him in his little plane to the site. Once there she kicks major ass and, although we don't get to see (apparently men's privates are no-no's but women's....) she cuts off the leader's, uh, favorite body parts and puts them in a jar, sending them to his girlfriend.

This leads to a frenzy of violence that Foxy, of course triumphs over 'cause there's 'a whole lotta fight in that woman'. And one dealer is done. And so is this movie. And so is my look into exploitation 'cause there's a whole lotta nausea in me.




IF YOU'RE TALKING EXPLOITATION, YOU MAY BE TALKING JACK HILL PART THREE






Women In Cages (1971)

Although this movie was NOT directed by Jack Hill but by Gerardo de León, it is essentially the same movie as Hill's The Big Doll House. Hill's movie was released earlier in 1971 and this came quickly after, with many of the same actors, a similar story, even using the same locale and buildings. Why? 'Cause it was cheap and the boobies sold tickets, that's why. Oh and Roger Corman's name was attached so it was destined to be held up as a classic - eventually.


WIC is definitely a harsher picture than The Big Bird Cage in that women are treated even worse in this one, if that's even possible. And Pam Grier, instead of being a champion of the downtrodden, is a lesbian guard who loves to torture as well as 'sample' the inmates. Umm yeah. I know, 'Are there boobies?' Duh.






So the basic plot as it goes is another woman is set up by her man. In TBDH it's murder, here it's a heroin possession charge. Both movies feature women used for men's (and women's) pleasure and torture, often for the promise of a taste of heroin. 

And there is an escape in both movies with disastrous results in both (What exactly were they trying to tell women - we can't get away from abuse?) with few differences in each movie, except that Sid Haig is not in WIC. Only one woman in WIC makes it out relatively intact, one is doomed forever (short forever since she's an addict) as a prostitute, the rest dead. Yikes. Again.

Sorry, I don't know the body count or who survived TBDH as I couldn't find it anywhere. That was kind of a relief if you want to know the truth.








Friday, June 28, 2013

IF YOU'RE TALKING EXPLOITATION, YOU MAY BE TALKING JACK HILL PART TWO





The Big Bird Cage (1972)

This movie is of two exploitation themes: women in prison and the Philippines. As I stated about the documentaries I watched, in the 70's the Philippines was the hot spot to film these types of movies for the lack of censorship, cheapness, and exploiting the locals. This is actually a follow-up movie to one I couldn't find called The Big Doll House (1971) however, don't despair - Netflix DOES have Women In Cages, filmed later the same year, with most of the same cast, almost the same story and using the same sets. 


Pam Grier and Sid Haig
The only difference I noticed off-hand was the lack of Sid Haig, a favorite actor of Jack Hill. I'm not trusting Netflix when you look up lists 'cause I thought I'd gotten all the Jack Hill movies they had but this one popped up. Same happens for other things I've looked up, you've just got to do your own searching I guess.

This movie as most can tell you who've seen it, treats nudity as casual as violence and sex - the girls run around scantily clothed, their shirts sometimes tied, sometimes not. They obviously didn't really care. Especially the native women.

This chick had to be seven feet tall I swear...
Jack Hill loved putting Sid Haig (now a staple in Rob Zombie movies) and Pam Grier together and did so in several of his movies. There are also some obvious models in this movie - they towered above the locals by at least a foot. So what's the plot? Uh, well - to tell the truth there's not much of one. It's about a woman out of place going to prison with a bunch of others where they learn the ropes - and how to get naked ever two minutes or so. They YEARN for men (pfft) but alas, the male guards are all gay. Uh huh.

The big bird cage that mills... something...
So Pam and Sid play Blossom and Django. Django is a guerilla leader looking for revolution - but not very hard. But one day Django and Blossom tangle with the law and not only does Blossom get arrested, so does an, um an escort? to... whoever pays I guess - after a botched attempt at Rrrrrrrevolution in which Django grabs her and she asks why. Here's the famous line and the man's fantasy: 'To rape you!' To which she replies: 'You can't rape me, I like sex!' I'm not even going to touch that one.


A rare moment of shirt wearing...
So we've got black chicks, Filipino chicks and white chicks. And lots and lots of nudity, crass jokes about nearly everything, male rape (why would women want to... ah never mind) and violence. Don't forget violence. In the documentary, which named this movie specifically, it said that locals made about five dollars a day, were in constant danger (Who's gonna be around to make sure they're all safe?) and, of course, bared their bodies for the American moviegoer. 


Well, they do it in the circus I guess...
Scenes with police and police dogs were with REAL police and police dogs - they had to film them separate from the women so no one would get attacked. But if one was called to fall from, say, off a roof they did - right onto the ground. And in one scene where a guard is set on fire - HE IS ON FIRE and simply instructed to jump in the river to put himself out. Nice. And the scene where the woman hangs by her hair - they claim that it doesn't hurt much if you have a lot of long hair. Uh huh.


Two guns against dozens? Might work...
So Django plots with his men to get his main squeeze out of prison. Here the documentary calls the plan the WORSE PLAN EVER MADE because everyone dies. He's not kidding. The girls rush at the soldiers who show up to get Django with sharp sticks, a couple of weapons - not much. All the soldiers have machine guns. Guess who wins? But at least they died with their shirts off.



IF YOU'RE TALKING EXPLOITATION, YOU MAY BE TALKING JACK HILL PART ONE






Switchblade Sisters (1975)

For the next couple of movies we'll be checking out director Jack Hill, who wrote this movie, The Big Bird Cage and Foxy Brown which are just the three I could find on Netflix - there are others. While at the time they were considered as exploitation films, some are now touted as feminist works. Go figure. I guess it might be because the women in these movies, put upon and mostly naked as they are, are strong figures for the most part. After watching several documentaries on the subject his name came up a lot - in fact Quentin Tarantino loved 'em and re-released them under his label Rolling Thunder Pictures.


Newly named Jezebels with weapons 
received from black militants (?!?)
This is one of those movies about high school kids who are obviously pushing 30. And this must be the toughest white place in the nation (no racism intended or presented) 'cause this high school is nothing BUT violent gangs. The tagline 'So Easy To Kill, So Hard To Love' of course has nothing to do with the movie at all but I guess it sounded good at the time.

I could spell out the plot but all you'd probably notice is switchblade fight fight boobs fight switchblade betrayal boobs fight jail school boobs.... so I'll keep it short.


Lace with her pre-Star Wars Princess Leia hair...
A girl transfers schools and immediately runs afoul (doubt if any of the characters could even spell that) of the local girl's gang led by squeaky voiced Lace called the Dagger Debs. They later change their names to the Jezebels. The name of the movie never appears in the movie. Boobs.

After the new girl, Maggie is raped by the leader of the male white gang Dominic, we have the fictional fantasy of men that Maggie finds after she stops fighting that she now has feelings for Dom. Uh huh. Boobs. Lace begins to notice Dom, who is her boyfriend, acting distant and so tells him she's pregnant. They fight and break up. Inexplicably, in the next scene they are together, laughing, holding hands, and planning bloody murder on a rival gang. Boobs.


Gang war on skates...
There's fighting and betrayal. Boobs. Dom is killed in a fight with the rivals and both Maggie and Lace mourn. Boobs. The guy who steps up to the plate to be the leader and main raper of women looked sort of familiar but sounded VERY familiar and I couldn't watch the movie 'cause my fibro brain takes little tiny nuggets and turns them into HUGE blockages that prevent me from concentrating on anything else. Boobs.


Donna's father was a hottie. Ick...
So I had to look him up and laughed - okay, SALTS. Boobs. The second-in-command was played by Don Stark. No you don't know that name - unless you watched That 70's Show. He played Donna's father. Boobs.


We'll be back... wahahahahaha!
So we have the ultimate fight (and nobody goes to school around here) and the newly named Jezebels are all arrested, screaming they will be back. They weren't. Boobs.





Thursday, June 27, 2013

STOMPING ALL OVER THE GROUNDS OF GOOD TASTE






Black Frankenstein aka Blackenstein (1973)

Who could possibly resist a title like Blackenstein? 'To Stop This Mutha Takes One Bad Brutha'. Umm, apparently a lot of people. While people went to see and enjoyed Blacula (looking for that one - haven't found it yet) they weren't really keen on this blaxploitation version of Mary Shelley. There's good reason for that.




We have the story of Eddie, an African-American Vietnam vet who had all his limbs blown off (Some Metallica anyone?). He's in a VA hospital, being mistreated by a white orderly. Oh that's subtle. But they didn't want to alienate people just based on race or the fact that he was a vet so they kind of... fudged on what the white orderly was so pissed about. Eddie asks for ice cream, the guy tells him to 'Get up and get it yourself.' while moaning that the whole thing happening in society was a big 'scam' though he's not clear if he's talking about equal rights or the war. All you see is a black man who lost all his limbs in a war being berated and belittled by a white man. Make your own conclusions.

Which is bigger - her screams, her hair, or her boobs?
His girlfriend, who conveniently is a doctor, asks for help from an old teacher Dr. Stein - she had heard he won the Nobel Prize for solving the DNA code. Uh, okay. That has everything to do with lost limbs I guess. Dr. Stein THEN shows her his experiments on the patients he keeps in his house. Uh, what? Oh well, shut up, right? It must not pay much, 'cause his lab is... pitiful, with beeps and clicks and of course the big waste of Tesla's talent - the electrical current travelling between two meaningless poles.

So Dr. Stein talks about reattaching limbs, stopping age and other goodies by using a 'DNA formula' and an 'RNA formula'. So not only does he supposedly have control over your DNA but your genes as well. Uh huh. But there's 'something wrong' with the RNA formula, as one of the former amputee's leg has stripes. Uh, what? Oh cool - to hell with tattoos, just get your RNA messed with and you're set.

Despite the, ahem, difficulties, she convinces her boyfriend to give it a try. Now they never mention where Dr. Stein gets all these limbs from that he attaches - other unfortunate vets? Cadavers? We're not told and frankly I don't wanna know. But two new arms and legs he gets and with constant injections of the 'DNA formula' he's healing nicely.

Meanwhile, Dr. Stein's assistant Malcomb has fallen in love with Dr. Walker but is rebuffed by her when she tells him she plans to marry Eddie as soon as he's on his feet. Sorry, couldn't help myself with that one. Malcomb is pissed and more than a little whacko, so he messes with the already flawed DNA formula Dr. Stein keeps injecting into Eddie. Soon Eddie's not feeling so well - while his limbs are still showing improvement and moving and having sensation, he definitely feels... funny. He certainly is starting to LOOK funny.

Eddie starts by getting a unibrow. No, seriously though he is actually getting kind of a caveman look, with a pronounced forehead and growing hair on the backs of his hands (better than the palms I guess). He apparently also starts growing taller somehow, unless he got the limbs of a freakin' basketball player 'cause he looks about seven feet by the time all is said and done and he is pure monster. And ready to kill - starting with the smartass white orderly.

He retains some smarts though - he's gotta get his 'fix' so he comes back to the house for the injections. But for some reason, the murders bring the police sniffing around the good doctor's house but he's oblivious and the girl's a ditz so... the movie drags on.

Until... Malcomb makes his move and being really smooth attacks Dr. Walker in her bed, making her scream (and rip her nightie). Since Eddie apparently has extra sensitive hearing along with his new height, he comes to her room and Malcomb shoots him but it doesn't even faze him.

Okay, here's where it gets REALLY dumb.

Eddie kills the doc but not his girlfriend and runs away - and we have a protracted chase scene to fill out the rest of the movie. How does the movie end? Glad you asked that 'cause this is something you just can NOT make up - oh wait, somebody did. Yikes. Two dobermans, who were the pit bulls of the 70's, EAT HIM. 

That's right, not back him into a corner so the cops could get him, not attack him and get thrown a thousand feet by his superhuman strength, TWO DOBERMANS EAT HIM and we see a close-up of his torso for the end - no guts, just bones. The end - thank freakin' goodness.




Wednesday, June 26, 2013

NEITHER COUNTRY, NOR COLOR, NOR SEX, NOR AGE OF HUMAN WILL PREVENT EXPLOITATION IN MOVIE MAKING




The Past And Present Tense Of Movie Exploitation

Yeah yeah, I know there's a lot of long black haired Eastern spooky girls to write about, but I got caught up in a series of documentaries on movie making - the most entertaining (to me) being those about exploitation movies. I was fortunate to have found Blackenstein (To Stop This Mutha Takes One Bad Brutha) and a few others that I will put on here in the next day or two, barring of course my fibro taking over and commanding me to be flat on my back.

'How could you like films that exploit (fill blank here)?' You might ask. Easy. If you think about it in a twisted, warped kind of way (which is the only way my brain works) EVERY film exploits something. It's just that in the 60's and  70's they were a bit more blatant about it - pushing boundaries to see what they could get away with and what people would pay to see.

Oh sure, they're a tiny bit more subtle nowadays - but doesn't horror exploit your fears, teenage slasher films exploit the young, romantic films exploit your feelings and action movies exploit, uh, your willingness to pay out big bucks to watch stuff explode? And don't forget Disney - the biggest exploitation factory of all - they took our childhoods, warped our bedtime stories and made them scarier than crap cartoons that we watched and flinched through? You think they were great? How 'bout Dumbo's mom getting locked up and kept away from her kid, Bambi's dad AND mom dying horribly, and the valiant knight fighting the horrific dragon? Every stepmother was evil, every kid had tragedy early in life and we were supposed to believe in happy endings?

Ahem. <puts away soap box> So as I was saying, Netflix has several very good documentaries on film trends as well as some hilarious examples of film trailers and, of course, the infamous late night hosts that got us through some of the most hideous movies ever committed to film. But I sort of started focusing on the exploitation factor and found out some interesting stuff.

Yeah, we've heard of the blaxploitation stuff, women-in-prison stuff, even reversing roles like having women bikers or women gangs - but did you know how important the Philippines were to 70's American Cinema?

Lets start with the biggest movie made there that you could call an exploitation of the Vietnam War era: Apocalypse Now. Made in 1979 for $31.5 million (in inflation dollars that's about $98,077,691.75 as of last year). Why would I malign the great name of Francis Ford Coppola and the bevy of huge stars in this epic movie that made big, big money?

Well, for one, according to one documentary, if you asked just about any Vietnam vet if it was an accurate depiction of their experience, you'd either get hysterical laughter or righteous indignation. Despite Coppola's assertion that this was not "like" the Vietnam war, it WAS Vietnam, it has been stated that it was not even close. Yup, Brando, Duvall and Sheen were past wonderful in this film fraught with tragedies: Brando was way overweight for his role, Sheen suffered a heart attack on the set, and tropical storms nearly decimated their work - but it was huge, it was epic, it was FICTION.

Another was its actual filming location: the Phillipines. In the 70's film makers flocked to this country for several reasons - cost, scenery and cost. Sets were cheap. Life was cheap. If an extra was instructed to, say, fall off a roof pretending to be shot they did - they were not stunt men. They were barely paid - some as little as $5 a day. And they suffered. Fortunately although injuries were common, deaths were not - only one was mentioned as being confirmed and that was their word so take it as you will.

But for the 70's exploitation films were the rage (and of course usually involved lots and lots of naked women) because, after all, would you go see a film full of naked guys? Don't answer that.

But the following reviews should be fun until I find something else that tickles me (or my mental fog will wipe out every clever thing I meant to say).



Saturday, June 22, 2013

WATCHIN' JUNK, SHIRKING MY DUTIES AND HOLDING OFF EASTERN MOVIES






Quarantine 2: Terminal (2011)

This movie, which I kind of put off seeing, is the sequel to Quarantine, released in 2008 (and reviewed on this blog 6/20/12). I watched the first one several times despite it being 'found footage hand held camera' stuff that was mostly in the dark. It was still a great story, even in the dark, shaky get-a-headache-in-five-minutes kind of way. It followed a woman reporter and her cameraman as they spend a night at a fire station, to give people an idea of what they go through in a night.

In the first movie, a medical call at an apartment building quickly turns into a nightmare, as the people are sealed in, sealed off, and get infected one by one in what turns out to be a domestic terrorist-type situation where they were developing a super virus - one similar to rabies but symptoms take minutes instead of days. And you know once you have symptoms, it's all over - there's no cure.

What I didn't know was that Quarantine was a remake of the Spanish zombie film REC, of the three-movie series (that I can't find 1 and 2 of and just watched 3). But the sequel is not REC 2, but instead has a different plot and setting.

When I saw the movie poster I was thinking 'zombies on a plane' type of scenario which was not appealing. Fortunately it's not like that. As the movie starts you find yourself checking out all the characters - anyone with a cough, or looking ill, or anything is suspect. This flight is leaving LA - the site of the previous movie - and of course one of them is either sick or carrying it or else we won't have a movie so that was no surprise. 

And figuring out what's what doesn't take long either. A 'kindergarten teacher' has brought a small animal carrier aboard that holds several 'gerbils' in it that he has tucked away. One very overweight guy sticks his finger in there - DUH. He gets bit. Now we know.

Once in the air we get 'introduced' to the ancillary characters but we pretty much know who's going down and maybe who won't. It's kind of useless to list names as each one can go in a second. Fortunately, the first to get 'sick' does it quickly (our portly gentleman) and goes berserk and attacks people - forcing the plane to make an emergency landing that dislodges a bunch of stuff and chaos reigns. And now they're in Las Vegas. These people just can't catch a break.

After a few more casualties, we find our surviving group inside, not the terminal, but the employee area as all doors were locked (since in the air on one of the passengers laptop we saw scenes from the first movie, the CDC probably knew the infection was on board) and all they can do is try to figure out how to get through this maze of walkways and buildings to somehow get out. 

Taking control is the remaining flight attendant Jenny, who tries to keep everyone calm, but when armed CDC soldiers come in and shoot those who resist, they panic. And those (along with the CDC soldiers) shoot their way out of the building, all, including the soldiers are quickly shot down. One is only shot in the leg and manages to come back inside. That's when all are told that this is not the doing of the CDC, instead there has been evidence of terrorism - it's actually Homeland Security.

A  minor travelling on his own, George, had tried to tell Jenny that the 'gerbils' the teacher claimed to have in the carrier were lab rats 'cause they have tails but she doesn't believe him. Trust me people, when you're in a horror movie and a kid tries to tell you something LISTEN UP! Geez, this happens in horror movies all the time - how many would live through one if they just listened to kids?

One of the passengers is a medic (of course) and she realized that the HS guys didn't know how to treat this either as the few passengers that allowed them to get injections to 'help' them were each given something different - meaning they had no idea what would work and what wouldn't - all the people are now themselves lab rats.

As they die one by one, they come upon an office and hide out for a bit - and the 'teacher' makes his move. The kid was absolutely right - the 'teacher' is a terrorist. He makes some lame speech about how man needs a good plague to wipe out the majority of the population for the good of the earth - yeah right. He's been bit but ain't gonna let the rabies get to him - he's got the antidote. 

This is the flinchworthy part of the movie - he's got to inject it not only in the spot he's been bit, but into his eye. And they show that REAAAAAAAL close up. <flinch> But I watched it, mainly because I hoped it hurt - he deserved it. He then grabs the kid and takes off on his own, leaving the remainder to fend for themselves.

There are quite a few heart-pounding moments 'cause these infected suckers are FAST, nimble, and impervious to pain. The goal is to find a tunnel that will lead out of the hangar and building because it's obvious that Homeland Security isn't going to let them out - and soon they start hearing and seeing explosions - HS apparently is just going to make everything go away.

As I had already guessed, the 'antidote' didn't work - in fact, the idiot terrorist only became a much faster, fiercer rabid idiot, and the ones left - Jenny the flight attendant and George the kid are racing to keep away from him. Jenny had gotten hold of one of the HS's thermal goggles so now we're getting that 'in the dark shaky footage' stuff that was most of the first movie. After dispatching the terrorist they make it to a small vent tunnel that should lead to the outside. 

George is terrified of small spaces and the dark (who isn't?) and so Jenny gives him the goggles so he can see. Putting them on he sees that she has been hiding a small wound on her side - she tells him she's infected but he can make it.

Coming to the end of the tunnel there are rebar blocking the exit but he's small enough to get out. Not Jenny - which is good because she's totally gone by this time so it looks like our little smart guy is the only survivor. He drops the goggles and walks wearily towards the Vegas strip. Our last scene is through the dropped goggles a vision of the unseen kitty cat, who was supposed to be in a carrier but the old lady kept letting her out. The cat is infected - and making its way to the strip and possibly to another sequel.