Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, June 3, 2013


Zombie Lake aka Zombie's Lake aka Le Lac Des Morts Vivants (The Lake of the Living Dead) (1981) France

You've got to give the French credit. What do you do when you've got a zombie movie you want people to see when they're not quite that popular yet, plus you don't have a whole lot in the way of makeup skills or even a decent plot? Why, put a bunch of naked women in it of course - it fixes whatever ills a movie has and guarantees to bring at least the guys into the theaters.

Zombies without makeup...
But this movie did have a couple of interesting zombie ideas that I haven't seen much (or at all) in other movies: This one has zombies fighting each other (I'll explain later), remembering their past lives, and, in one case anyway, gladly going to his death. Again. But if you ask somebody if they've seen it, chances are all they'll remember is the major boobage and salute the French for their nonchalance with nudity. That's probably a good thing because this is one of the worst zombie films ever made.

Zombies without makeup...
After starting the film with a good naked romp in a lake that ends in murder by the Nazi zombies hiding under the surface (it WAS pretty funny though when one 'zombie' took a really big breath before hauling his 'booty' under water), we shift to WWII and apparently we're in a French hamlet occupied by the Germans. One woman, reacting in that 'which way do I go' cartoonish way in plain view of anyone wanting a target to shoot gets rescued by a German soldier who receives a wound to the head for his trouble. But he recovers and, of course, after she gives him a necklace (why the hell would he... never mind) they do the wild thing 'cause hey, this movie's got to move along.

But the villagers prove to be treacherous to these poor Nazi bastards. They kill them, rob them and throw their bodies in the lake so they won't be found out. From now on the lake is known as Damned Lake or Lake of the Damned depending on who you talk to. Nice. The woman eventually gives birth and dies (didn't they all back then? I'm always surprised when a woman lives) but has a daughter.

Zombie/vampire losing Playdoh...
So skip ahead skip ahead... but how far forward? This is where I got really confused and had to look the sucker up - the people looked and acted like, well, the '70's type but the now-zombie father's daughter was only eight or nine years old. Turns out the movie was supposed to be set in 1957. Ah. Another case of movie suckitis, that's all. So in 1957 girls (apparently guys don't skinny dip) start disappearing and nobody does anything until an out-of-town girl's basketball team (Whaaaa?) shows up, strips and disappears in the lake. 

Zombie daddy protecting daughter...
NOW somebody comes to investigate. And the zombies decide not to wait for water boobage, they're going into the village now... the aforementioned zombie father remembers where his lover lived, goes to her house and finds his daughter who apparently lives in her bedroom. When he sees a picture of his love with the necklace he now wears (without a spot of tarnish on it either) he knows the girl is his daughter and gives her the necklace. Awwww. Sick.

I loved the makeup job on these guys. It was... well let's just put it this way. Somebody sold a whole ton of green Playdoh that year. That was the extent of it - they were green. Sometimes. AND they instantly dried off whenever they came out of the lake. That was convenient - don't want to drip all over those people they bite - oh yeah no taffy (intestine) pulling for these Nazis - they bite necks like vampires. YAWN.

Finally the little girl, wanting her 'father' to have some peace, instructs the people to get her a bunch of blood to feed them (Sick. Again.) and she'll lure them to the old mill, where the people will blast them with a flamethrower they happen to have lying around. This was the STUPIDEST part of the movie and that's saying something.

Okay, so there's green and RED Playdoh....
The father pretty much knows what's going to happen - he's already had to fight one of his fellows to keep them from harming his daughter so... uh... they show up, they have a blood feast, then the flame. Now our badly made up zombies obviously turn into mannequins since they become stiff and don't look a thing like themselves the second they turn on the flamethrower. I mean c'mon - DUUUUUUUH! But that's why it was so awful. Probably because there were no more boobs to see by this time, just burning plastic. The end.