AN END OF THE YEAR THANK YOU AND A BEGINNING OF THE YEAR WELCOME


2013/2014 And The World Ain't Ending Yet

Not being a party person here I sit in front of my trusty electronic companion, contemplating the tons of messages I've gotten asking questions about me and this blog so I thought hey, you've been so good to me, why not answer a few? Okay, okay you caught me - nobody's asked me a single thing. I'm just so grateful to be working toward three years of being able to write this blog and want to pass a little thanks and information about yours truly.


Why did you start your blog? Do you think you're funny or something?

My sense of humor has always been a little... different I think. It's not every student who has their Creative Writing teacher tell them, "You're kind of weird, aren't you?" I wanted to be a writer but had neither the time nor the attention span to write anything but short stories which, unless you have an agent, aren't really going to get you anywhere. I had, like most writers, the GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL in my head, but in my head is where it stayed and though it's changed over the years it hasn't come out of there yet.

I was fortunate enough to work for a newspaper in a small town for a couple of years. I learned that just because something is the truth doesn't mean it can be printed and corruption can be found in the smallest of places - that's all I'll say about that. I did get to write articles, roll film, take pictures, develop film and make prints and since the newspaper was still the manual 'stick the articles to the page and make 'em fit' type of paper I got to be creative. I still miss that job.



That didn't answer the question idiot.

Oh yeah. Umm, I guess it started when I was on a group page on Facebook and I would make smart remarks which most appreciated (some didn't) and one guy, Tim Forston (who has co-written several reviews with me and I hope to have more from him soon) suggested I start my own blog. I USED to be computer literate - I could have a motherboard and a bunch of parts in front of me and hammer together a working system with no problem. Now if my computer says 'Hey!' I panic and turn it off. 

So he showed me how to start one through Google + and slowly I built one up. I was actually shocked when I hit 1,000 views, then 2,000 - it kind of really took off from there. I was so wrapped up in it I missed my own blog's first anniversary and didn't realize it 'till months later. This May will make three years of writing - and I thought my ideas would dry up within a month.


So why don't you start a blog of short stories?

Hey that's a good idea, why didn't I think of that?



Well?

Oh. I'm afraid that between watching movies and keeping up my blog, my Facebook horror page, and all my FB accounts takes up all my time between naps.



How many Facebook accounts do you have?

That's between me and Mark Zuckerberg and if he doesn't know, I'm not telling you.



What's with the 'Miss Murder' stuff?

Well, I was hoping to have a bit of help and I asked a young person who was liking my stuff if she'd like to help. She thought that was cool - but then realized it wasn't once a month or once a week but all the time and she kind of choked. But I liked the 'Miss Murder' moniker so I'm keeping it for myself thank you very much. And if she wants to throw in a review now and then I'm sure not going to refuse her.



So how much whiskey DO you drink when you write your reviews?

Oh. That's kind of a joke. I really can't drink anymore. Not that I don't enjoy a beer now and again but alcohol and I just don't get along really well. There was a time when I could pound the beers quite regularly (that was NOT a good thing for me by the way) but I'm pretty much a soda drinker now.



You also whine about being sick and stuck at home all the time. What's up with that?

Roughly ten years ago or so I began to feel more tired than usual after work. I had a job where I worked 10-11 hours a day, I took care of the house, shopping, etc. I had a motorcycle (I loved that machine, she was sweeeet) and other hobbies (reading, beading, cross-stitch and a bunch of other stuff). Suddenly I couldn't work, had to give up the motorcycle and all my other hobbies and I hurt. Constantly.

If you've never heard of Fibromyalgia, it basically means 'You're gonna hurt all over and your brain will become mush and you can't do a thing about it bwahahahaaaa' to which you say 'What?' 'cause you've forgotten what you just heard. That, combined with a bunch of other fun ailments has me down flat more than sitting up so I do what I can when I can. It sucks, but others have it worse so meh.

What about your horror movie worksheet? Are you going to make that available?

You forgot to say patent pending. Actually while the worksheet is in development it's not quite finished yet. Some aspects have been there since I first started but the more movies I watch, the more things I find that I want to add to it (for example the 'piss of death' every guy takes in the woods right before he dies). So it may be a while.



Why just pick on horror movies? There are tons of other types of movies that you could pick on.

I picked the sci fi/horror genre because it's my favorite. To me, real life is where the horror is, what's on the screen just strikes me as funny. You can go watch Adam Sandler, I'll watch zombies 'pulling taffy'.



What?

Oh, sorry. That's on my worksheet. 'Pulling taffy' is what a zombie does when they go straight for a victim's intestines.



Eww.

Sorry.



Don't those movies scare you, give you nightmares?

Nope. I quote the great Beetlejuice, "I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER - EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT..." Ahem. Sorry about that. Nope, where others hide their eyes, I just giggle. Hmm, maybe my Creative Writing teacher knew more than I thought...



Okay, okay enough of that. So for the start of 2014, how does the blog look?

A hell of a lot better than I could ever have hoped for. I was crossing my fingers that I could maybe reach 52,000 views. Then I went past that and... wow. All I can say is that it has been so much fun and I really appreciate everyone, whether they look at my blog and wrinkle their noses and go away, or actually stay to read it.


I WATCH 'EM SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO STATS FOR THE END OF 2013:

54,407 views

Countries Tuning In:

United States
Sweden
United Kingdom
Germany
Brazil
France
Netherlands
Canada
Australia
Poland
China
India
Thailand
Ukraine
South Korea
New Zealand
...if your Country is not listed, believe me, you are very much appreciated and I thank you.

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ONE LAST MOVIE I SAID I WAS NEVER GONNA WATCH BUT HERE WE ARE AND DAMMIT I'M GOING TO BITE THE BULLET AND REVIEW THIS SUCKA



Fright Night (2011)

In 1985, year of such wonderful movies (according to me in alphabetical order) as Back To The Future, Better Off Dead, The Breakfast Club, Clue, Day Of The Dead (well, meh), Enemy Mine, The Goonies, Just One Of The Guys (I love Clayton Rohner), Kiss Of The Spider Woman (I'm throwing that in there to sound sophisticated - I really didn't watch it), Ladyhawke (I love Rutger Hauer), Re-Animator (I love Jeffrey Combs), Real Genius (With the REAL Val Kilmer), Silver Bullet, Silverado (I love Jeff Fahey), St. Elmo's Fire (I love... none of these guys), Weird Science (I liked Oingo Boingo, you'd know him better as Danny Elfman), Witness, Young Sherlock Holmes...

What was my point? Oh yeah, in this year of a freaking TON of movies that I've only listed a few of, there was one that was a fave even though I didn't crush on any of the actors in it. Fright Night. Starring Chris Sarandon and Roddy McDowall as well as a few others I'd never seen before, it was freaking sweet. It was silly, it was scary (in a not-give-you-nightmares kind of way), it was slick - I've seen it so often it's one of the movies I repeat the words to (which drives my hubby crazy) when I watch it every couple of months or so. The phrase 'You're sooo cool Brewster' was almost an 80's version of a meme. It. Was. Cool.

So hearing in 2011 they were remaking it I was not pleased. Finding out it was going to star Colin Farrell made me ill. Hearing it was going to be a DISNEY project induced projectile vomiting.

Note: It's 5/9/14 and I've been revamping (sorry) my blog and just now noticed that the 'new' Charlie Brewster is the same guy (Anton Yelchin) who plays Odd Thomas (reviewed 3/24/14). Yikes. 

So with heavy heart I start watching. The first thing I see is they have made late night hack actor Peter Vincent (McDowall) into a character like Criss Angel. I stopped the movie, got out some whiskey and Tums (can't have one without the other unless I want to see the new year with a gut on fire and my head swollen to three times its size), took a deep breath and tried again.

Gaaaaak. Had to come up for air. Really? They're really doing this? Evil Ed (here played by the guy from Kick-Ass), one of the funniest characters from the first movie, the psycho weirdo who everybody thinks is a total spaz is now the BRAIN? He's the one figuring everything out? Ugh. And he said it. In practically a deadpan voice, 'You're so cool Brewster'. SACRILEGE!!!! If this gets any worse I'm gonna be typing in Captain Kirk mode and. every. word. will. have. a. period. Seriously. I was almost relieved when he bites it (sorry) twenty minutes in.

What do I have against Colin Farrell? Um, hard to explain - he's in a category of MEN I WOULD NEVER LET TOUCH ME THAT OTHER WOMEN SEEM TO FAINT OVER. There's lots of them and they all seem to be pretty popular: Ryan Reynolds, Owen Wilson, Chris Hemsworth (well okay he was pretty good in The Cabin In The Woods but given a choice between him and Loki...), Channing Tatum, Robert Pattinson, Henry Cavill, Christian Bale... hmm, maybe I should stop, I'm running low on Tums.

Huh? Oh yeah, the movie. Well it had some interesting bits - the scene where Charlie breaks into Jerry's house, rescues one of his victims, spends about an hour (not really but it felt like it) sneaking her out of the house (good tension and suspense, just went a little long) just to have her explode into CGI'd gore when they reached a sunny spot (Note to makers of CGI effects: It's NOT REALISTIC if the gore DOES NOT HIT THE GROUND OR THE PERSON STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO THE GORE, OK?) was not so bad. Charlie is left to slink home while Jerry, knowing full well he was there just grins and drinks his beer and eats his apples (That was a thing in the 1985 version too - what was it about the apples?).

So Charlie is a believer, his mother is not, his girlfriend isn't talking to him so his next step: Contact Criss Ang... umm I mean Peter Vincent (David Tennant, a face I was actually glad to see - he was one of my favorite Doctors on Doctor Who). He of course turns out to be a foul mouthed faker who kicks Charlie out without hesitation. Nice digs though.

Charlie begs his mom and girlfriend to believe him when Jerry shows up at the door asking to be let in. This changes the movie up a bit. We're 56 minutes in and Charlie's mother begins to see what her son was worried about when Jerry, told to go away, instead begins to dig up her back lawn. And their gas pipe. The special effects for this part were pretty good. Got to give them kudos for the best part: Jerry, riding Charlie's dirtbike, launches it into the air, crashing it into the back of their van and almost killing Amy. That was... not bad at all.

And then the nausea returned to me full force. Driving down the highway after first crushing Jerry into his own truck (didn't work of course) then slamming on the brakes 'cause he's clinging to the undercarriage of the van and punching his way through, they're rear ended by a car going at full speed. The driver stumbles out... and it's Chris Sarandon (the original Jerry Dandrige). I had to stop watching for a while. That was dirty pool.

Fortunately (for Chris) he's killed in about two minutes. Unfortunately Colin was not. Fighting with Charlie over a cross proves worthless but he doesn't appreciate mom slamming a Century 21 sign (nice product placement guys) through his chest. Does she hit his heart? Pffft...

As Charlie and his girl watch over his mom in the hospital, Peter Vincent in movie-style timing happens to pick up a picture Charlie had left there and low and behold, it means something to him. He calls Charlie (And he got Charlie's number how?) and they have the break-the-tension-by-using-backstory time while Peter tells them what he knows. Precious little. Mostly that Jerry is of a particularly nasty breed of vampires (There are breeds? New one on me.). And here comes Ed - now of the long-toothed breed. But still not funny.

He and Charlie fight, leaving Amy to deal with Jerry. I like that she had more on the ball than in the original - they had portrayed her as a whiny, neglected girlfriend and then victim but in the remake she stands on her own and fights. That was something anyway. She finds holy water (duh) and throws it in Jerry's face, then helps Charlie kill Ed (again). In the original Ed got to shapeshift into a wolf and go out with a bang - here he just falls to a heap of ash on the floor. Meh. And where's Criss... dammit I mean Peter Vincent through this whole thing (And wouldn't a Vegas showman pick a fancier name?)? Locked safely away in his 'panic room' watching the show. Bad bad boy Dr. Who - shame on you.

Since Jerry is so nasty, the holy water is just a temporary inconvenience and besides, we have 30 minutes of film to go. The two survivors run into a club and the unce unce unce music is horrid - how do kids dance to that for hours? They don't. Ever watch a club scene? They hop up and down - that's about it. Anywho, the two get separated in the crush of the crowd. Jerry catches Amy and bites her. Okay that's dumb. In public? Must be something about the 'nasty breed' Peter was talking about. Amy is his now.

Charlie goes back for Peter. Instead of refusing to help him 'cause he's only an actor (and a coward) as in the original, they make it more stupid - not only were Peter's parents killed by a vampire, they were killed by Jerry. Okay we've slid from almost good back to massive duh country. But also in movie duh style because his parents were killed he's been collecting religious artifacts all his life - one being a 'blessed stake'. Here come the Tums again, I better find that second bottle.

Charlie gets supplies from an army surplus store and here we go. Waiting for sunlight he storms the house. As in the original movie, Peter Vincent decides to help him at the last minute, 'Let's kill something.' Sure, just do it a little faster, please. Down in the basement Charlie is locked in a room with Amy as Jerry prepares to kill Peter. Ah geez - Colin Farrell says the other best line in almost a monotone, 'Welcome to Fright Night - for real.' Dammit Chris Sarandon had a whole lot more style than that sucka.

Okay the next part was - pretty cool. Jerry hits Peter in the head with a pebble, drawing a bead of blood. As soon as it hits the ground, here comes Jerry's, uh, pack I guess you'd call 'em. And the world of CGI pumps it up some more as Jerry's previous victims literally come out of the walls. They descend on Peter and start snacking while Charlie gets knocked around a while by his girlfriend then runs to take on Jerry. And here it gets stupid again. Was this the basement of the house or not? I mean they're in a sort of reinforced cave, they climbed down the stairs in his house to get there - yet when shots are fired at the ceiling there's the light of day coming through?

Sigh. Let's just finish this, okay? Peter had told Charlie that since Jerry's kind of vampire is a super duper hard to kill kind he would have to be stabbed in the heart while on fire. Uh huh. That was just a setup for the last bit of CGI nonsense. At the surplus store (because they have tons of them just lying around) Charlie had bought a fire suit and puts on cap and goggles while Peter lights him up. He then jumps on Jerry and we get several minutes of CGI'd flying around as Jerry tries to get away from the fire. Peter manages to shoot a hole directly above Jerry's head so he's getting it from two sources. With his chest on fire his heart is revealed and Charlie shoves the sacred stake through it.

We get another CGI'd scene of a vampire blowing up, blood going everywhere - except on Charlie, the floor, the other people in the room... sigh. With the permanent death of Jerry, all the victims who came out of the walls, Amy, and the much-bitten Peter who had started to turn himself all become human again. In the end, Peter Vincent lets them use his penthouse for Amy's deflowering. Aaaaaand scene.

Ick, okay I did it. It was stomach turning but I did it. What? There's gonna be a Fright Night 2 remake? Excuse me, I need to take a trip to the liquor store...

And that does it for me for the year - everyone keep safe and keep sane.

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NETFLIX IS GOING TO DO A PURGE OF MOVIES AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR - HERE'S THE REST

NETFLIX starts the new year with a purge of their movie list and here's the rest they listed:

Blackout
Altered
Session 9
Bride Of Chucky
Seed Of Chucky
Tales From The Hood
American Psycho
Killer Klowns From Outer Space
Scary Movie
The Faculty

Now a couple of these I found myself - they weren't on the Netflix 'list' so there may be a few that you find just aren't there - point is, if any of these are movies you meant to watch one day, today is it.

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NETFLIX IS GOING TO DO A PURGE OF MOVIES (HOPEFULLY ADDING NEW ONES TOO) AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR

NETFLIX starts the new year with a purge of their movie list (hopefully that means we get some new ones). Here's a partial list of deleted horror films:

Leviathan
Tales From The Crypt Presents Demon Knight
Tales From The Crypt Presents Bordello Of Blood
My Little Eye
Troll 2
Dressed To Kill
Bitter Feast
The Skulls
Dead Heist
Gacy
Snake Island
Tremors 3: Back To Perfection
The Unborn
Terror Within
Pumpkinhead
Frankenstein & The Monster From Hell

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A DUMB MOVIE I WATCHED SOME TIME AGO BUT DIDN'T REVIEW AND NOW I HAVE TO BECAUSE I ALMOST MIXED IT UP WITH THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT DAMMIT!


An American Haunting (2005)

Okay people very quick history lesson here. This is a movie based on, not 'true events', but the telling of a story that was from a story that was told in a story that was found in a paragraph in an old book that someone found and went oooh, easy novel material and wrote yet another book claiming it to be true. Pffft. The Bell Witch or Bell Witch Haunting is a poltergeist legend from Southern folklore, centered on the 19th century fictional Bell family in Tennessee. Okay, partially fictional. There was a family named Bell and they were in Tennessee. Capicé? 

Just think of it as an early version of The Enquirer

No Andrew Jackson did not meet the witch and get scared off by it, no it did not torture a family in the 1800's, no it was NEVER a true story, it was ALWAYS a novel or an article written by someone out to make money, not history.

So. (My husband hates one word sentences so I use them a lot) So. This movie tanked. Since it was a fake story that's no great loss, but the waste of talent in Sissy Spacek and Donald Sutherland is almost a crime. It can claim to be 'the only case in the US where a spirit caused the death of a man' all it wants, that doesn't make it so you MORONS. That was directed at the movie makers, not you guys of course.

The truth as far as you can find it being he was a nothing kind of man in the 19th century, John Bell contracted a disease that he had for three years before his death. The claim that a 'spirit' caused the disease is like saying 'my mama is sick 'cause she was mean to me so God is killing her'. It's gross, it's wrong, and it's just plain stupid. 

Besides, it is stated with several sources (including this dumb movie I might add) that the cause of his death (as the illness was not considered fatal in itself) was poisoning at the hand of his daughter. How, then does one conclude that a 'spirit' killed him? Massive duh and I'm getting a wicked headache.

November 1848. Kids are playing soccer. Critics say that's anachronistic and as horrid as the film is, that's not entirely true. The idea of kicking around a ball has been in place since the 2nd and 3rd centuries BC. In China, it was during the Han dynasty that people dribbled leather balls by kicking it into a small net. It made its way to England so it is not a big stretch to find it in colonial America. Why did I put that in? 'Cause this movie has nothing to say and I have almost nothing to put here.

The bottom line to this sorry mess of a movie is the subject of incest. The dumbass (and so lacking in anything original YOU could tell me the movie plot and you'd mostly be right) effects are the same, the progression, same, the fact that no one ever pays attention to their kids 'cause they're wrapped up in themselves and their own miseries until it's too late, same. Same same same same same.

Present: A divorced woman and her daughter live together. The daughter has bad dreams of being chased. She has to spend the weekend with her father and really doesn't want to. The mother doesn't care. In her daughter's room she finds stuff from the attic and chastises her daughter for being up there. She takes the stuff and the story begins as she opens a letter and reads and somehow one letter becomes a 93 minute movie.

Past: Again, 19th century. This must have been the CLEANEST place in the new world 'cause every scene looked like the actors picked up their bleached and starched and ironed outfits without a speck of dirt anywhere, the homes looked better than any I've ever lived in, and everything was one lightbulb away from being ripped out of Better Homes and Gardens.

Betsy Bell is having fits. She's not spoiled, she's actually having fits. To make this movie more dramatic we've got the smashed windows, voices, Betsy levitating, you know, everything you probably already have seen in another film. No wonder I get these 'The Haunting Of' movies confused. What's happening to her is obvious to everyone except her mother - no strike that. Her mother knows perfectly well what's going on but has chosen to ignore/forget it. Betsy is being 'visited' during the night by her father. Duh.


They ask a, umm, I don't know who the hell he was supposed to be but he had a Bible. He attempts to - you know. It fails. They then for whatever reason (probably to advance the plot since he's the writer of the letter) call the schoolmaster over to discover what the hell is going on. During all of this the father chooses to blame a neighbor he had a property dispute with. Never once does he confess his sin against his daughter. Figures. Since he doesn't the torture continues until Betsy poisons him with her mother looking on (in the movie, I have no idea what happened in real life). All the spooky stuff stops and Betsy marries the schoolmaster. He makes the remark that he hopes this never happens again. <snort>

Riiiight. And the small Washington town I used to
live in has a Bigfoot festival every year. Cause
everything you hear/read is true.

Skip to present day. Mother has conveniently just finished the story when her daughter comes in and announces her father is there and she's leaving. She watches them drive away, her daughter looking upset and worried (DUUUUUH). Going back into the house she's confronted by the 'ghost' of Betsy (also conveniently still looking like she did in the movie) who tells her to 'Help her'. She gets a clue way too late and runs back outside, trying to stop her ex from taking off with his apparently already-being-abused-daughter. And the credits run. And now I can put down the whiskey bottle.

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WHY DO I PARTICULARLY HATE MOVIES THAT ARE SUPPOSEDLY 'BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS' OR 'BASED ON A TRUE STORY'? BECAUSE THEY'RE TOTAL BULLSH**




The Haunting In Connecticut (2009)
The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia (2013)

First I almost gave a review on the wrong movie - An American Haunting - since all these damned movies have basically the same title. The review on THAT horrid thing (starring an out-of-place Sissy Spacek and Donald Sutherland) is coming up 'cause I watched it so... that's another 93 minutes of my time wasted, I might as well warn others.

'Cause this horrid theme is not over ladies and gentlemen... coming soon to take your money for absolutely no reason is The Haunting In New York. Yippee. The makers of these dumb things, Gold Circle Films, states that even though there are three of these (oh please make them stop) that each movie is a movie by itself and not a sequel to any of the others. <sputters> Then why... <points to second title> Don't you know it's not a Something Crappy 2 unless it's related to Something Crappy 1? <facepalm>

The Haunting In Connecticut: So here we go... The first one starts by showing what is called memorial photography, popular when families did not have access or funds to have a lot of family pictures, and the high mortality rate cutting down loved ones early in life. In the funeral parlor, it was a practice to dress up the deceased, sometimes in their best outfits, and 'pose' them with their families. That usually was the only family photo they had. 

It might seem weird and spooky to us, having instant digital access to every second of our lives, but to them it was an act of love. A collection of some of the photos from that period can be found in the book Sleeping Beauty: Memorial Photography in America, by Stanley Burns. If you want a copy, be prepared to shell out some big money - new copies can go for almost $500, or you may find one used for almost $400.

So this family's story goes as follows (and was admitted to be almost total bullsh** by an extended member of the family): Sara (Virginia Madsen) has a family and a son with cancer (played by Kyle Gallner, the unlucky teen in the no-body-shown Jennifer's Body) . The hospital she has to take him to is too far away so they take a cheap rental house nearer to it. As she and the sick son Matthew move in, he immediately has those 'corner of the eye' things where he sees shadows. 

She finds a bunch of pictures and thinks they're weird - that's when she discovers the place used to be a funeral parlor and the pictures left behind were of families using memorial photography. Duh. If they went to all the trouble why are the pictures still... uh... ya know, I just want this moment to be over don't you?

She tosses them out (I recognized several being copies from Mr. Burns' book). We get more shadows blah blah visions of blood blah blah nightmares blah blah... you've probably already seen at least 70 percent of this movie if you've ever watched ones like the Amityville Horror (which was also crap) or take your pick of any haunting movie. They're pretty much all the same - it's like they stole my horror worksheet to map them out (patent pending).

We get the sick kid going out of his head (Gee, couldn't be from all the radiation and drugs could it?) and the 'discovery' of a kid named Jonah who held seances in the place and... sigh. We get priests. We get nightmares. We get... bored. Supposedly Matt though is the center of it all, being personally bothered by 'Jonah'. See, all mortuary owners are evil. That's right - eeeeeeevil. So the former owner, Mr. Aickman didn't just bury everybody - nope he used some bodies for eeeeeeevil rituals. Sorry, every time I think of that word I'm channeling Ren from Ren and Stimpy. Eeeeeeevil. You eeeeeeediot. Ahem.

So throw in a priest or reverend or whatever the hell he was telling Matt to 'find out what the spirit wants'. Yeah, I can totally see a religious figure doing that. Oh, and no 'haunting' movie is complete(ly stupid) without the scene where all the furniture is in a big pile in the center of the room 'cause we all know that ghosts are just frustrated interior decorators who want things a certain way.

So how does it end? How do any of these end? After enduring a whole movie of shadows, things moving but not, doors opening, dreams, priests, etc. we get the big confrontation where 'Jonah' who was apparently cremated by the spirits he pissed off, gets back at Aickman and frees his own spirit by having Matt burn the place down. And Matt dies.

Pfffft, you know that's not it. We get the moment when Matt's 'spirit' hears his mother's voice and he chooses his life of constant pain over what they believe to be an eternity of cloud sitting. Interesting how these people's version of heaven is a totally wonderful place that no one wants to go to. Right? Right?

Okay, how much was true and how much was Hollywood? Well, there's a Connecticut, that's real. There was a family that moved there, that was real. The boy was sick. They found old photos of dead people (well yeah, they'd be dead now, duh). The house was a mortuary. The son went through a personality change. Aaaaand of course the infamous Warren couple (Amityville Horror, The Conjuring) gave their two cents which others forcefully gave back to 'em. Other than that, total BS. But then we already knew that, didn't we?

The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia: Now remember, this is NOT a sequel and of course you know that Georgia is nowhere NEAR Connecticut. I admit I can be really sarcastic. And a bit of a bitch. But there are those reviewers that are much better than me, and I found a paragraph about this film that made me laugh until I peed myself a little. 

After cleaning up, I decided it was just too good not to share (and I hate putting it that way because that's usually what everybody says on Facebook when passing around a poster or inspirational crap you've already seen a hundred times). It's from a site I really like called Bloody Disgusting at http://bloody-disgusting.com (which says a lot about my character I guess) and it is as follows:

Reviewed by Patrick Cooper: I hope you’re sitting down, readers, because I have some bad news. The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia does not take place in Connecticut at all. Nor is it about ghosts named Georgia. It takes place in the state of Georgia, which is often called the “Connecticut of the South,” I think. The good news is that this will inevitably lead to a 50+ film franchise covering all of the states and the commonwealth of Puerto Rico. QVC could even sell a giant, collector’s map of the U.S., like they did when the state quarters came out. 

That way fans could display their entire collection of The Haunting in Connecticut films, like Ghosts of North Dakota, which is often called the “Connecticut of the Dakotas,” I think. Unfortunately, the idea of this many Haunting films is scarier than anything you’ll find in Ghosts of Georgia.

Bwahahahahahaaaaa... oops, wet 'em. Be right back...

Okay, the story is this family moved to a house in Georgia and immediately their three year old daughter got an imaginary friend. We get the story that all the females in the family had 'veils' when they were born - a caul (piece of membrane) over their face. In medieval times the appearance of a caul on a newborn baby was seen as a sign of good luck. It was considered an omen that the child was destined for greatness. In this movie, it means they have 'second sight'. Uh huh. Okay let's make this short and sour: The house and property were very familiar in the days of slavery and the owner of the house was a 'station master' for the underground railroad. 

Trouble was, some made it to keep going on, some disappeared. Did I mention this stationmaster was also a taxidermist? No? Well he was. And he decided that some of the runaways got to go through, others got stuffed. Literally. And set up in an underground shop like mannequins. Sheah right. 

So in a protracted movie full of nonsense, the spirits of the stuffed guys get to do the same to the spirit of the stationmaster (who the people had figured out he was a nasty one and hanged). With everybody free to, I dunno, do more cloud sitting as they believe, the scary stuff stopped and they lived in the house for years afterward.

How much was true? Well, there's a Georgia... do you really want me to continue? I thought not.

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MY SUMMATION OF THE HORROR MOVIE BUSINESS OF 2013 - IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT TOUGH, IT WAS TORTURE FOR ME... JUST KIDDING, I LOVE IT...

The Year 2013

This was a big year for the remake/reboot genre. I know, I know, it's not in itself a genre but it should be. We wept (or at least cursed under our breaths) when we saw our past favorites of every genre up on the big screen either chopped up and served to appease the younger masses, or in a bigger piss off, put up exactly as is with just a couple of 3D effects added and a bigger ticket price. Let's face it, 2013 sucked and 2014 isn't looking much brighter. This is what we had this year listed by Country:

United States:
Bad Milo!
Carrie
Curse of Chucky
The Conjuring
Dark Skies
Evil Dead
Hatchett III
The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia
I Spit On Your Grave 2
It's A Beautiful Day (with Japan)
The Last Exorcism Part II
Texas Chainsaw 3D
V/H/S/2
Warm Bodies
We Are What We Are
Willow Creek
World War Z

Japan:
Arcana

The Complex

It's A Beautiful Day (with US)
Miss Zombie

China:
The Chrysalis
The Deadly Strands
Lift To Hell
Midnight Train
Mysterious Island 2

Hong Kong:
Rigor Mortis
Tales From The Dark 1 & 2

S. Korea:
Horror Stories 2
Killer Toon

Thailand:
Long Weekend
Pee Mak

Other:
Dark Touch                              France/Ireland
Frankenstein's Army                 Netherlands
Mama                                      Canada/Spain


I'd hate to admit just how many of these I've actually seen. I didn't really try to see newer movies until this year and I didn't feel privileged in the slightest. We soooo need some new blood in the horror department it's getting hard to make fun of what is just sad and a repeat of everything else. Now if I was on the Satellite of Love with two faithful robots at my side...

But I'm alone. It seems a lot of other horror reviewers need to put a value on everything, whether it's a thumbs up or down, a number of stars, whatever. I don't do that for a very good reason: It over simplifies the movie. Geez, you watch for anywhere from 90 minutes to 120 minutes and you're just going to be satisfied by saying 'Two and a half stars out of five'? Pffft. You can do that just by reading the title.

I can give you my opinion of some things though, take it or leave it...

Worst Title Of The Year: The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia runs in a close first for the year. Connecticut - Georgia. Could they be further apart? Yes, but then they wouldn't be in the same Country. Massive duh. How does one story connect with the other except for the 'haunting' part? Sheesh.

Second Worst Title Of The Year: The Last Exorcism II. Exqueeze me? Can you repeat that and NOT see something wrong with that title? How can an exorcism be the last if.... <facepalm, reaches for Excedrin>

The Why Exactly Was This A Necessary Movie is a tie between I Spit On Your Grave II (which is a sequel to the REMAKE, not the original) and Texas Chainsaw 3D. And no I DON'T know if they 3D'd the first one or the REMAKE.

The Most Decent Reboot Of A Cult Movie: Evil Dead. I was prepared to hate this film, loving the original three as I do and wondering how you can even have an ED without Bruce, but except for the typical uneven action progression, kind of thin plot and predictable ending, they did a decent job - and thanks Sam for including the iconic Olds Delta 88 for us old people.

The Second Most Decent Reboot Of A Cult Movie: Whether you call this a cult classic or a franchise, this 'award' goes to Curse Of Chucky. I don't know why this was straight to video - they wanted to make Chucky back into a nasty little guy who's whole purpose was to kill instead of being a joke and they did that. Having the main character be handicapped (played actually pretty well by Brad Dourif's own daughter, Fiona) added to the tension and the mayhem. It wasn't a great movie but it didn't deserve the 'toss it in a bin' attitude.

A Movie That Was A Great Movie Once. Once.: Carrie. C'mon guys, we've had the original and best (even though I ripped it up from all the boo boo's in it as part of my review but it was still the best) in 1976, then a Broadway musical in 1988, a sequel called The Rage: Carrie 2 in 1999, a TV remake in 2002 (which they tried to make a series but thank goodness that didn't happen), and now this remake (they're not trying the 'reboot' trick with this one) which is supposed to be 'more faithful to the book'. Hmm. I read the book, the 1976 was pretty close as far as I remember - maybe I'll have to read it again before I attempt to watch this new treatment of the infamous girl with a deadly temper.

Oh yeah, that looks totally real... really.

The Only Two Zombie Movies (in the US) Of The Year Suuuuuuucked: In the number one spot of this two-movie category would have to be World War Z. A combination of Brad Pitt and a ton of CGI nonsense is NOT what we wanted for Max Brooks' famous novel - we wanted gore dammit - rotting flesh, suffering survivors - not a PG13 view of fakier than fake (my word, deal with it) piles of zombies that were... really dumb. Watching Brad Pitt and his single-expression acting was not a treat either. Ick.

The number two spot for this category is Warm Bodies. Again, PG-13 and when a parent gushes how finally she can take her children to see a zombie movie and not worry about the gore and violence we zombie lovers know to stay far far FAR away from this puke-warm treatment that is the Twilight of zombie movies. Besides, this is NOT an original idea - it was done (and done much better) in movies like Fido (2006), and even the stinkers Boy Eats Girl (2005) and A Little Bit Zombie (2012). In other words, bringing a vomit bag to the theater would be a good idea.

Whoops, sorry, wrong mama monster...

Biggest Movie Disappointment: Mama. I had high hopes for this one, being produced by Guillermo del Toro (well, he was an Executive Producer which probably means he looked at the movie and shrugged), and being described by everybody (read people trying to sell tickets) as 'extremely scary and spooky'. Pffft. 

There we go... you can understand my confusion...

When the movie started showing a father on the edge killing his coworkers and wife and taking off with his two girls, driving movie stupid on a snowy road (he was going off to kill them in the woods for some reason) and crashing, saving the girls and finding a cabin and STARTING A FIRE TO WARM THEM UP so he can, I dunno, shoot them without them shivering and ruining his aim, I immediately lost any respect for this film. The effects were... okay. But the ending was soooo obvious that I found myself just impatiently waiting for the credits.

Well that's it for the present - I'm sure I'll have more opinions soon. They seem to attack me whenever I'm trying to do something else (sleep, read, sleep some more) so prepare yourselves.

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