I WON'T TELL IF YOU WON'T TELL IF THEY WON'T TELL IF HE WON'T TELL IF SHE WON'T TELL IF BIGFOOT WON'T TELL IF ALIENS WON'T TELL IF MILEY CYRUS WON'T TELL...




No Tell Motel (2012)

So what was this movie about? Well there's not much to tell. Get it? I wish. This pointless, no-scare so-called haunted motel was the result of a typical family running a small motel called the Round The Bend Motel. I'm not giving away any secrets here - it shows it in the first two minutes for crying out loud. Mommy is busy reading her magazines while their little girl Angela plays in the yard. But she chases a bunny into the street...

Massive duh and time marches on for fresh duh. This comes in the form of a motor home with five kill-them-now-please 20-something teenagers, not a single one likable. It's Megan and her friends (with the typical names - pick your own, you'll get at least half of 'em right) and each have a dirty little secret. Who doesn't? After a pointless stop at a gas station they find a 'road closed' sign and have to take a detour - then then do the movie duh thing and crash due to ARGUING. That's right - there's no tree in the road, there's no snow, there's no ghostly apparition in the middle of the road, the driver wasn't texting, they were ARGUING. Now you want them dead too, right?

Now they're major pains in the ass AND they're injured. The gas station has closed but oh joy, now they've found the Motel. Like they were supposed to - aaaaaand my horror worksheet is pretty much filled in (patent pending). Despite it being old and filthy the kids are young and filthy so the required making out commences for a couple of them - until one of the others spoils their fun when she appears crying.

So far we know two secrets - the blonde is just a little bit pregnant (They STILL can't figure that out?) and the unknowing father-to-be is hooked on pills. The blonde is devastated so one of the other girls tells her secret - when she was a senior her daddy got her a $40,000 car and she drove drunk to a party and did a hit-and-run to a boy on a bike.

So we get our first casualty (Yay!) - the 'hit and run' chick pisses of the ghost of the little girl killed the same way so she appears, leads her out into the middle of the deserted street and a truck comes out of nowhere and mows her down. They're on an empty side road, nothing and no one in sight, yet ONE TRUCK is available at just the right time to hit her. And they don't find that odd? The guy in the truck is bloody but alive and they take him into the motel. I made a few adjustments on my worksheet 'cause it's obvious who this drunken idiot really is and keep watching, waiting for the next casualty.

Gruesome thought, eh? Well, you watch enough 'spoiled teenagers on an unnecessary trip get into trouble' movies you know the body count is the only thing getting you closer to the end of the movie so... deal with it. So who's dirty little secret (by the title of the movie that part of the plot is obvious too) is going to get who killed next?

The blonde who isn't pregnant (there were five all together, there usually is) goes for the first aid kit and falls through the floor, impaling her leg on... something. She finds a room full of toys (brrrr). And someone - or something is with her. The junkie father-to-be finds her and goes to help her out - until he finds some bottles of morphine. And needles. To hell with his friend, he shoots up instead.

The other blonde's dirty secret? She's a cutter. Not exactly something one should be punished for but the little ghosty doesn't like that 'cause mommy cut her wrists after her daughter died so... not getting any help the blonde tries to climb out herself, falls and hits her head on the metal toolbox. Two down.

The drunk driver comes to and proceeds to tell the little-bit-pregnant blonde about the former owners (yawn). Not wanting to lose his wife too, the owner tied her to a table in the basement, keeping her quiet with morphine and, eventually, trying to impregnate her again (eww). Meanwhile our junkie had found that the old morphine was 'weak' and with the little girl watching, keeps injecting himself until he OD's. Three down.

So two are left and yet the movie plods on. The final secret is revealed - the last guy, brother of the addict, confesses he is the one who impregnated the blonde when she passed out after a party. Ooh, real nice guy. Yes, that's right, in this movie he's the nicest guy. Makes you proud of the young, doesn't it?

The preggers blonde becomes a philosopher to the ghosty girl telling her that being mean to people doesn't fill holes, it just makes more holes. Umm, what? Never mind, the movie's almost over. But not soon enough. The final 'chase' drags and drags and drags and of course it's all in the dark so you see almost nothing.

He catches her and the movie's over. What? It's not? Oh bloody hell. Now we hear more ranting, more screaming, as the drunk driver (who of course was the baby boy of the motel family) tells the ghosty girl the tied up idiot is going to be her new mommy. Yay. Can we go home now? No? One more little twist and it's a real duh fest - the blonde (Megan) is tied up but fighting - she miscarries. And manages to stab her captor. And get free. And lift the unconscious boy who raped her on the table and tie him down. And leaves him in the cellar with Angela (and the dead bodies) for company.

She then goes to the magic deserted road, used by absolutely no one unless you stand in the middle of it and gets splatted. What a wonderful ending. Hey, at least it's AN ENDING.

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INDIGENOUS PEOPLES OF THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST? LET'S SEE, THERE'S THE MMM AND THE MMM AND DON'T FORGET ALL THE MMMS AND THE KNICK KNACK PADDY WACK GIVE YOUR DOG A BONE TRIBES

Curse Of Alcatraz (2007)

The curse of Alcatraz can be summed up in one sentence. It eats 87 minutes of your life and you will never get it back. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA. And that's the only scare your gonna get with the yawn-a-minute boring, inaccurate movie about, and I quote, 'A group of scientists hired to solve an unusual murder.' Right out of the gate - no. That is not what the movie is about. At. All. There is nothing supernatural, nothing horror worthy, nothing worth sitting through this dumb thing unless you've never seen Alcatraz and really really REALLY want to see the inside of an empty prison. Really.

The true story here is an archaeological find that is supposedly discovered in a part of Alcatraz that was to be remodeled but never finished. It is a skeleton the 'scientific team' quickly determines it to be at least from the 1800's. Of course, the first to look at the skull poking out is the head Ranger, who immediately cuts his finger. So you know he's doomed. But not for a looooooong time.

In fact you are one whole hour into this sorry mess before things try to pick up - and fail. I was finding so many inaccurate and just plain wrong and stupid parts my pen was beginning to smoke. Oh and my heading? If you think I'm making fun of the Native American culture, back up. 

First, I'm a card carrying member of the Cherokee Nation. Second, I worded it that way 'cause I watched this mess on Hulu which rarely has close captioning and the woman 'expert on indigenous tribes in the Pacific Northwest' (sorry honey, that only includes Oregon, Washington, B.C. and Alaska) either mumbled or spoke so quickly I couldn't understand a single name she spewed out. Oh wait, there was one - she said there were 'cursed' ones that the Sioux called MMMM... 

Sigh. Young lady, the Sioux were mainly in the Great Plains and while I'm not saying it's impossible for the Sioux to know anything about Native Americans living in the San Francisco area in the 1800's, it's bloody unlikely. Just like San Francisco is not part of the Pacific Northwest. And this movie is not about a curse. Or the paranormal. Or even the interesting. And trust me since I am one - being Native American and visiting your grandparents does not automatically make you an expert on anything. Of that I have personal experience.

Let me break down the basic story (and this is fiction, not a history lesson) - sometime in the 1800's lived the tribe of MMMs who were peaceful farmers and fishermen. An illness broke out, killing a lot of the tribe. Those that lived lost their minds and became insane savages. Others decided to take advantage of their fierceness for protection against invaders. When they felt the insane killers were no longer useful, they tricked them to go onto the island and then burned the canoes. Umm, how did they get back? Pfft, never mind. 

So the insane one were pissed and died (who buried them and where was the last... sigh, never mind). At the beginning we get a flashback to an inmate thrown into the 'hole' which wasn't finished who got infected by eating the cockroaches crawling over the skull (sounds like he was already a sandwich short of a picnic anyway) and an outbreak happened that... hmm, they never say how that one was resolved.

Which leads to our duh Ranger pricking his finger on the damn thing and instantly starting to get sick. And yes, they did treat it at first as a possible homicide, given that the skeleton was intact but the scientists determined the soil preserved it which made the case null and void so... the detective tries to leave and somebody kills her. Who? We don't see and we don't care. We're over 40 minutes in and begging for something, ANYTHING.

So we have five scientists - leader, two girls, two guys (one in a wheelchair). Three rangers. One hour into the movie and NOTHING IS HAPPENING. The 'expert' is still quacking about bad feelings and curses, a couple who were exposed to saliva or blood are getting sick and the deranged Ranger dude has told them they're stuck on the island although it was only supposed to be a three hour tour. A three hour tour.

Sorry about that. Finally things get... well hell they're still boring but at least people are dying so the end is getting near, right? One girl is sort of eviscerated (low budget didn't allow much for intestines), one guy, the one in the wheelchair is duct taped to it because, you know, if a scientist doesn't carry duct tape around, umm, hmm, my thought just went away. His head is repeatedly slammed in a cell door until it's pate' - not really shown of course 'cause hey, money.

The two unaffected (leader and so-called expert) find the dude in the wheelchair sans head and the leader checks his neck for a pulse. Let me say that one again. He checks the neck of the guy without a head for a pulse. Yup, this is the level of duh the whole movie pretty much stays with.

The leader, after being infected and cutting off part of his arm to stop the spread wakes up in the hospital. Miraculously (and also off camera - money money money) someone decided to find out where everybody was and took the two (and the dead I imagine) off the island. The CDC says they've been working on a strain of this same disease for years. Oh joy. The two are sworn to secrecy about it. 

Uh huh. In real life, those two would just disappear. And we're done... almost. In one of those 'you should have watched the credits' douche moves the movie continues and we see one infected person still alive and on the island - then him climbing out of the water to wreak havoc on... oh sorry, dozed off for a second there. Anyway, somehow they're saying this sick dude manages to swim through freezing waters to the mainland and leaves it at that.

This movie brags that it's the last one to be filmed on Alcatraz Island. Uh, I think that they probably just ruined it for future film makers to use 'cause this one was so embarrassing. Look up any list on movies about Alcatraz. This one isn't on them. Hmm...

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LOW BUDGET, A COUPLE OF NEW IDEAS, A LOT OF OLD ONES AND NO ENDING... ICK




Germ aka GermZ aka Germ Z (2013)

So Fangoria has more than a few low budget horror flicks on the table, so I decided to take a chance with this one. The plot is simple - not. We've got a complicated beginning about a rocket launching to knock out a satellite but something beats them to it and the thing crashes in the mountains of a backwoods town... and one bright firefighter (don't worry, EVERYBODY who should have known much better were depicted as real morons in this movie) picks up a particularly sticky icky piece of the debris with his BARE HANDS and off we go.

Now if you've seen the Andromeduh Strain I'm truly sorry and here are a couple of aspirin. Maybe you should have a cup of coffee to wake back up. No? 'Kay. So with a whopping $500k to make this turkey let's see what they did with it.

We've got our two main characters (though they shouldn't be), young Deputy Max and his 'Let's just be friends' girlfriend Brooke and... everybody else. In other words, you don't get too much time to feel for anybody at all - for low budget (probably knowing they didn't have much to offer) they kept everything going pretty fast. A little too fast. The camera work was terrible - shots seemed to bob worse than those horrid hand-held camera movies. But they did try some different things (along with the typical iconic images, like the zombies pulling intestines like taffy that every zombie movie must have).


The quick explanation of this strain of mutant zombies was that the goop from outer space attaches itself to the stupid human's hypothalamus, causing it to grow at an exponential rate. Now pay attention, this is your science lesson for today. The hypothalamus, located in the brain, is the size of an almond and controls body temperature, hunger, important aspects of parenting and attachment behaviors, thirst, fatigue, sleep, and circadian cycles. 

Sooo, I guess becoming a zombie in this movie means you sit around drinking lots of beer and ignoring your kids. Hmmm? Oh all right - apparently these zombies forget who they are and get really hungry. The tag line (and I'm embarrassed to type it) is 'cannibalism is contagious'. Woof.


It spreads quickly - they show a little bit of a military presence and hazmat too along with the handful of fireman but budget-wise they didn't have a lot so I think they used some over and over. I know they probably must have with the townspeople - here's an isolated town with MILES between houses but when the zombie thing hits all of a sudden it's like they're in the middle of a city.

So what was the original part? Well, apparently, the growth of the hypothalamus doesn't stop so theses zombies have a brief shelf life. The little almond sized doohickey just keeps growing until, with a lot of screaming (oh yeah, these zombies made a ton of noise) they grab their heads as they pop like zits. What, you can watch intestines being pulled like taffy but you say yuck to zits? You're twisted. I like you.

So although I would call this a swing and a miss as far as good movies go (nice attempt to grab some of the World War Z fame dummies) it wasn't the WORST zombie movie I've seen, not by a long shot. The ending? There really isn't one. Unless you want to see this turned into a TV series so they can continue. No? Didn't think so.

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UK TRIES BAD HORROR WITH ENTITY

A WITTY, ABOVE AVERAGE, DIFFERENT KIND OF GHOST HUNTING FOUND FOOTAGE TYPE OF MOVIE... SORRY, THAT IS A TOTAL LIE, MY BAD...









Entity (2012) UK

I freaking hate having fibro. For those who don't understand, think of it like having a recurring nasty flu that hits you just when you think you're going to accomplish something and you end up almost paralyzed, staring at nothing, the something or somethings you wanted to do swirling in your head and eating you up. Unless the drugs happen to work for a change and you get to sleep. I have sooo many movies to put up here but so little time to do them. 


So since I feel a bit of paralysis coming on and I'm trying to watch a movie that 'stars' Danny Trejo (he dies after three minutes), it's yet another possession movie. He and the other priest are chanting over the slobbering teenage girl (They're always teenage girls, right?), 'Release your brothers in the name of the Lord' yet I'm hearing in my head Fatboy Slim singing 'Check it out now, the funk soul brother'. I know a breakdown is minutes away so I'm gonna throw this trite garbage down quick and then go to bed and see if the drugs work this time.

This is supposed to be set in a Siberian forest. It's yet another crew of another 'hauntings' show called Darkest Secrets (real original guys), checking out yet another site. This is supposed to be a found footage movie. Fortunately for the audience, there's no shaky handheld running endlessly around screaming garbage. That was a plus. 


Unfortunately, the movie premise was tired and cheap, the purposely 'messed up' camera work was just annoying, and really folks, this whole scenario has been done to death. I read somewhere that someone said it was original - guess they don't watch too many movies. The ending was just - meh.

If you're confused as to which movie I'm talking about, that's because, like many other movies, they seem to almost all be using entity, haunting, paranormal, possessed or possession in the title. Just looking up info on this one I waded through several before finding the one I was actually watching. If for some unknown reason you actually want to find this, just look for it with the annoying backwards 'N'. 

At the blessed end it dedicates the movie to a Tracey Jane Wilkerson 1965-2012. I couldn't find a trace of that name (this person is not in or working in the movie) and when I looked around as I do 'cause of my OCD all I could find was some chick asking about her, "She's gotta have been 49 or so, right?" Oh, the educational system is working really well, isn't it?

Update as of 5/3/15: A reader suggested that maybe Ms. Wilkinson (I spelled the name wrong originally, what a surprise) was the actress and, wondering if I could find anything out, I looked again. There are several ladies in British media named Wilkinson but the closest I could find to what may have been the person they spoke of ('This film is dedicated to the life and bravery of Tracey Jane Wilkinson 1965-2012' is the actual statement) came in the form of an article of a man who was her partner for 15 years. He spoke of her struggle with cystic fibrosis, how she wrote a script that they made into a movie after she had died, and that she passed in 2012. If this is the right lady, here is the link:

http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/health/david-gledhill-writing-a-screenplay-helped-me-cope-with-losing-love-of-my-life-to-cystic-fibrosis-29675829.html


Update as of 4/7/16: I received a message from Neva Walker who said, "Tracey Wilkinson was actually my aunt. She was previously married to the director of this film and after she died in 2012, Steve dedicated it to her. She is the woman you found the article on." Thank you and we are sorry for your family's loss.

In 1998, because apparently despite the fact that the world is supposed to be a better place where we all get along (not getting into politics here, I know things still suck), in a Siberian forest (that's Russia for those of us, and I'm including myself, who are geographically challenged) shallow graves were found with 34 bodies of men and women in them. The Russians for some reason just wouldn't cooperate and tell anybody why. Duh. Maybe they were too busy covering up the Dyatlov Pass Incident.

But they WOULD allow an English TV crew there to snoop around and do the Scooby Doo thing 'cause they're taping stuff for their show called 'Darkest Secrets' (Running out of names are we?), supposedly really, really dependable 'cause they have a REAL psychic working for them. Uh huh. 


The duhs are coming out of my mouth faster than the Russian guide they hired can talk. Aaaaand I'm sneezing my head off and so cold medicine with my usual meds combo should be kicking in... I wondered why there was no snow. It's Siberia isn't it? Nope. This was done on the cheap, meaning they used good ole' Northern England for the sets. 

I was just glad for the close captioning - the combo of Russian and English accents was NOT something I could handle at the moment. Just 'cause my hearing is kaput, not being prejudiced or anything. Oops, more sneezing, gotta hurry.


Umm.. okay. TV crew in Russia checking out dirty secrets starting in a forest. A 'real' psychic woman feels bad vibrations in the soil. She 'sees' Russian soldiers shooting people in hospital gowns. Umm, that would mean the soldiers were dead too, right? No? Sorry, I don't know how this fake... umm I mean genuine psychic stuff is supposed to work. I guess it depends movie by movie. So now the woman (Ruth) senses something beyond the forest. The Russian knew this - he (Yuri) was testing her to see if she was 'real'. Uh, so far yeah. Real boring.

Don't get excited - it doesn't really pick up any and is soon over. We have four on the crew plus Yuri so there's no 15-minutes-setting-up-cameras-montage. That is good. There is a lot of Ruth gasping as she 'senses' different presences. That is boring. Yuri reveals his secret (we really didn't ask you Yuri) - he wanted to find his loved one who was one of the 'special' people kept there. Special? 


Apparently, in most countries psychics get their own TV show - in the USSR (oops, sorry, that doesn't exist - I mean the Russian Federation) they get imprisoned to be experimented on, to see if they can be used for nefarious purposes. When it was shut down, so were they - with a bullet. Yuri just wants his loved one to 'move on' and she can't do that unless Ruth tells her to. Uh, why exactly? Never mind, here's how it ends:

Of course one of the supposed victims is hyper-strong, a super duper massive of rage. So he's blocking everyone and keeping them there. Why exactly? Oops, sorry - good thing you can't catch what I've got through a computer screen, I think I'm getting woozy. Either that or it's trying to keep track of this bull spit.


So one guy dies cheaply - meaning no one sees it happen, when they find what they think is him alive we get horrifically bad camera work that sort of shows him being beaten to death. Yuri is next. Good. Dumbass. 

So Ruth lays down to calmly talk to the rageaholic and help him go to the light or whatever the hell it is she's supposed to do 'cause they feed on energy so no one can get mad or scared - so of course everybody does lots of both. When the remaining two come to Ruth to leave she's acting... funny.


Not funny ha ha. Funny as in funny they can't see what we who have seen way too many of these horrible things have figured out within the first 15 minutes - when you tell people it's found footage, everybody dies. The last two numbnuts die clueless. 

We see the last woman (for some reason still looking like herself, the other 'dead' crew look like black eyed duh monsters) trying to talk to 'Ruth' who of course is no longer 'Ruth' - her face did have an interesting bit of a makeup job but not worth getting through this movie to see. 


Then the last woman slowly fades away with the others, leaving 'Ruth' to lurch away from the facility - uh to go where exactly? You know what - never mind, just show the damn credits.

HAPPY FIRST DAY OF AUTUMN, IF THAT'S WHAT IT IS WHERE YOU LIVE

I have not been neglecting you my loyal blog readers - it's not that I'm not doing enough, it's a little that I'm doing a bit too much right now... I've been watching a collection of 12 horror flicks, one of my discount Amazon packs (some I've seen, some not worth their own review but all will be revealed) AND taking on a scary but kind of fun project of putting up a new Facebook I Watch 'Em So You Don't Have To page which, in its infancy, has 36 likes. Sounds really petty compared to the thousands of you kind enough to read my blog, but they will reference each other, and I'm hoping that for now it will be a kind of guide as to what movies you can find reviews to on what month or year.

I used to know computer stuff frontwards and backwards, but I'm older now and for some reason that seems to mean (at least in my case) that the simpler things get, the harder they are now to do. Which is why I don't own a smartphone. I have an iPod, never used - I turned it on once, it wanted to know where the wi-fi was, I got scared and turned it off. That's about it.

So darlings, watch your horror faithfully, know that I've got a ton of stuff, just that between the fibro and the lack of time I don't have it committed to this blog yet - and we'll have fun for years (I hope) to come.

Thank you my lovelies for all of your support and guidance.

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YO YO YO BABY I'M SAYIN' THIS IS MY JAM - MY JAM - MY JAM... DON'T YOU BE FRONTIN' - Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING... UH UH UH... WE BE TALKIN' 'BOUT ALL DEM ABANDONED MENTAL ASYLUMS DUDES AND DUDETTES, THEY BE EVERYWHERE SO 'COURSE WE'S GOTTA MAKE A TON OF MOVIES ABOUT THEM!

The Truth About Duh (with apologies to P!nk)


Inspired By True Events

The truth about duh comes at 3am
You finish all messed up and you grab a pen
And you say to yourself
I'm gonna figure it out, I'm gonna crack that code
Gonna break it break it down
I'm tired of all these questions
And, now it's just annoying
Cause, no one has the answer
So I guess it's up to me to find
The truth about duh
Is it comes, and it goes
A strange fascination with eyes that glow
Greasy hair, buggy eyes on a smiling face
Claw marks, slime trail, and a hateful gaze
The shock and the awe, they will eat you raw
Is this the truth about duh?

I think this movie is the worst
It's the worst I've ever seen
I never ever ever ever felt this crappy
And yet nothing has changed
And The Truth About Duh is it's all a lie
It all just recycled and I want to die

Oh, you want the truth?

The truth about duh it's been done to death
It's the regret at the credits, it's the wasting of breath
It's whores and tits
And 20-something kids
It's all the movies that they already did
Terror coup d'etat, life line forget-me-nots
It's the hunt and the kill
The lack of the plots
The truth about duh is not enough blood and guts
Poor actors and scripts
You know they're gonna go bust
It takes your breath, cause it leaves a scar
And you know and you know you'll never get very far
It's rage and it's hate
Of the time that I waste
And that's the truth about duh
The truth about duh

I think this movie is the worst
It's the worst I've ever seen
I never ever ever ever felt this crappy
And yet nothing has changed
And The Truth About Duh is it's all a lie
It all just recycled and I want to die

Oh you can lose your mind and
Oh, you can write again and
That you are just convinced you feel like everybody's felt before
It hurts every time I have to watch them
It's not getting better so I dive right in
It's inspired by true events and
They can make up anything that they want to man

The truth, the truth, the truth about duh is
The truth, the truth, about duh will repeat
The truth, the truth, about duh will repeat
The truth, the truth, about duh will repeat
The truth, the truth, about duh will repeat
The truth, the truth, about duh will repeat
The truth, the truth, about duh will repeat
The truth, the truth, about duh will repeat
The truth, the truth, about duh will repeat
The truth, the truth, about duh will repeat
The truth, the truth, about duh will repeat
The truth, the truth, about duh will repeat
The truth, the truth, about duh will repeat

Truth about duh

YOU CAN CALL IT A HORROR OR SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE ALL YOU WANT BUT IN MY DAY IT WAS CALLED THE DISASTER MOVIE GENRE





Aftershock (2012) Chilean-American

Ahh Mad Magazine. Staple for kids (and adults although many wouldn't admit it) for decades. Of course, the best of 'em (best writers, best artists) were during the 70's - I don't think too many people would argue with that. I was just telling a friend that I used to be incredibly into collecting the dumb things - I've got a lot from the 60's and 70's, and every single issue (including extras and 'special covers') from '82 until the year 2000. In January of 2000 I decided to call it quits. Now I have tons of these mags (in plastic) taking up shelf space and I never touch 'em. Why did I even start?

Now $2.67 an issue - IF you're a subscriber...

I remember I was... uh, you know what? I have no idea how old I was. But my uncle happened to be only a few years older than me - that meant he still had toys and magazines and junk. One was a Mad magazine and it was the infamous Poseidon Adventure (1972) spoof - cemented in my mind as the 'Poop Side Down Adventure'. I'd never seen the movie but I had that magazine pretty well memorized. When I came upon (in someone's attic collection) the same issue I was elated. That sounds... really dumb now. But here I sit with tons of today's comic books (released by Black Horse almost exclusively) I've been collecting plus the merchandise of a certain band I was totally enamored with who quit and now I'm stuck with stuff I don't even want to look at...

Oh. The movie. My point being, that this is NOT horror although Netflix put it in that category. That's probably because the 'disaster film genre' has pretty much disappeared. It was strong in the 70's - you had TPA, The Towering Inferno, Airport and Airport 1975 (we miss you Karen Black) and so on. In the 80's - not so much. They tried to revive the genre with several successful and a lot of failing movies, but we don't get the Paul Newmans, Steve McQueens and the Charlton Hestons type of movies we associate with the disaster movie. Did you know Independence Day was one? That's because it was marketed as a blockbuster action film. Same with Titanic, 2012 and other big big budget films. Buuuut, enough with my ramblings, on with the movie.

It starts the way disaster movies do - you get a brief introduction to the people who will be suffering for you for approximately 90 minutes and you get to decide who you like and who you despise. That's the usual formula. Then the bad thing happens and you watch them all suffer, pretty sure who'll live and who'll die. In the 70's it didn't matter how big of a star you were, that didn't ensure your survival. In this movie we know... absolutely no one so it doesn't matter (Huh? Selena Gomez is in this? Never heard of her.).

But you decide pretty quickly in this movie who you like, and who you want to see squished as soon as possible. The basic premise of what they are calling a disaster-horror movie (pfft): A group of people are vacationing in Chile (I hate them already) and while they are enjoying the decadence and the parties and the drugs and the... whatever, BOOM, earthquake. And if that wasn't enough disaster for you - the threat of a tsunami. Now we get to see - who the REAL good guys and bad guys are.

Eli Roth doesn't pull any punches with this one (and he also puts himself in the starring role) - the effects are huge (and probably mostly CGI'd as everything is these days) and I'd say as good if not better than the ones in 2012. And you find out pretty quickly which monsters are actually human and vice versa. A bonus added to the mix - a prison (In the middle of the city?) has collapsed and all those nasty bastards are out roaming with the decent folk - you know, the ones firebombing police, looting, killing people. The nice ones.

As the trend is going in the horror genre (of which this is really not - sorta) the last person of the group to be alive is a woman. Which one I couldn't tell you 'cause I didn't care enough about the characters to know anything except their basic attitudes - but this girl has short hair and a kick-ass attitude. Don't know if that ensured her survival or what. And of course when she needs a diversion, perfect time for an aftershock. Duh.

So after a final 'dead babies everywhere' gross-out (you'll have to watch the movie to find out why) she finds herself on the beach. The nice, placid beach. After passing out for a while, she starts that crazy laughing that says she's not going to be sane anymore but that's okay - we see behind her what the city has been warned about since the beginning of this movie - a massive tsunami. And she STARTS TO RUN. Really?

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A MOVIE THAT YOU SHOULD SEE JUST FOR THE EXPERIENCE

Metropolis (1927)

If you're gonna watch a ton of junk movies, you should, on occasion, find one that is a cultural marvel, just to see what GOOD movies should look like and, as they say, clear the palate. And this one was made in Germany in the 20's. It is currently streaming on Netflix right now - a black and white silent film restored as best as can be and with English subtitles. 

I have heard that there are other 'restored' versions but one I found said it had English subtitles (it didn't), and another said it has a song by Freddy Mercury (which I couldn't find). Because Freddy provided a song, they let them use footage of it in their song Radio Gaga http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t63_HRwdAgk . Using actual footage and even making new versions of parts of the machines, and a large group of 'workers' as his audience, it makes a song I really never caught onto at least interesting to watch.

The movie is about two and a half hours long so if you can't see it in one sitting, I understand - but watch it. It, even by today's standards, is absolutely fantastic. Fritz Lang seemed to spare no expense in either special effects (which are far, FAR above any then or even decades later), extras (since there are no computers to 'enhance' crowds, those hundreds of people you see are really there - as well as the children.

To quote the official basis of the story, 'Metropolis is set in a futuristic urban dystopia, and follows the attempts of Freder, the wealthy son of the city's ruler, and Maria, whose background is not fully explained in the film, to overcome the vast gulf separating the classist nature of their city.'

It was, understandably, the most expensive film ever released in that era. Pros and cons said while it was lavish and incredible in its technical achievements, the story was naive' and simplistic. They also didn't like the length and some of the content so the German people never did see the whole film - and even though it has been restored, there are large parts of the film that are still missing. I noticed in this 'restored' version, a pivotal scene was not seen at all, but explained on title cards. Real shame, that.

The sheer magnitude of the film is staggering even by today's standards. The plot? You have the typical separation of the have and have-nots. The rich live 'above' enjoying a pretty decadent lifestyle while the 'workers' live below and work themselves to death on machines needed to keep this utopian city running. The 'Master' is a single ma named Joh Fredersen. One day his son, Freder, gets bored and explores the lower levels. He is appalled by what he sees, and at the same time entranced by a beautiful blonde who seems to be leading the workers to an eventual revolution - but not a violent one. She is telling them to wait, that soon a 'mediator' would appear and all their lives would become better. As is usual in these things, Freder is instantly and completely in love with the mysterious woman called Maria.

The movie kind of crawls at a snails pace compared to what we're used to (instead of the usual 90 to 100 minutes of movie) but I think a major reason for that is one, being a silent film they wanted to make sure the plot and action were clear, and spending that kind of money on the sets/personal/special effects they wanted to get every reichspfennig they spent to be worthwhile.

Metropolis tries to mush together a sci-fi love story with moralistic undertones with a medium degree of success. Don't watch it for the acting or even necessarily for the story - watch it for the sheer magnitude of the sets and the special effects and the effort of a late 20's film compare with a whole lot of slapped together films we get today.

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