Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, September 30, 2013

I WON'T TELL IF YOU WON'T TELL IF THEY WON'T TELL IF HE WON'T TELL IF SHE WON'T TELL IF BIGFOOT WON'T TELL IF ALIENS WON'T TELL IF MILEY CYRUS WON'T TELL...




No Tell Motel (2012)

So what was this movie about? Well there's not much to tell. Get it? I wish. This pointless, no-scare so-called haunted motel was the result of a typical family running a small motel called the Round The Bend Motel. I'm not giving away any secrets here - it shows it in the first two minutes for crying out loud. Mommy is busy reading her magazines while their little girl Angela plays in the yard. But she chases a bunny into the street...

Massive duh and time marches on for fresh duh. This comes in the form of a motor home with five kill-them-now-please 20-something teenagers, not a single one likable. It's Megan and her friends (with the typical names - pick your own, you'll get at least half of 'em right) and each have a dirty little secret. Who doesn't? After a pointless stop at a gas station they find a 'road closed' sign and have to take a detour - then then do the movie duh thing and crash due to ARGUING. That's right - there's no tree in the road, there's no snow, there's no ghostly apparition in the middle of the road, the driver wasn't texting, they were ARGUING. Now you want them dead too, right?

Now they're major pains in the ass AND they're injured. The gas station has closed but oh joy, now they've found the Motel. Like they were supposed to - aaaaaand my horror worksheet is pretty much filled in (patent pending). Despite it being old and filthy the kids are young and filthy so the required making out commences for a couple of them - until one of the others spoils their fun when she appears crying.

So far we know two secrets - the blonde is just a little bit pregnant (They STILL can't figure that out?) and the unknowing father-to-be is hooked on pills. The blonde is devastated so one of the other girls tells her secret - when she was a senior her daddy got her a $40,000 car and she drove drunk to a party and did a hit-and-run to a boy on a bike.

So we get our first casualty (Yay!) - the 'hit and run' chick pisses of the ghost of the little girl killed the same way so she appears, leads her out into the middle of the deserted street and a truck comes out of nowhere and mows her down. They're on an empty side road, nothing and no one in sight, yet ONE TRUCK is available at just the right time to hit her. And they don't find that odd? The guy in the truck is bloody but alive and they take him into the motel. I made a few adjustments on my worksheet 'cause it's obvious who this drunken idiot really is and keep watching, waiting for the next casualty.

Gruesome thought, eh? Well, you watch enough 'spoiled teenagers on an unnecessary trip get into trouble' movies you know the body count is the only thing getting you closer to the end of the movie so... deal with it. So who's dirty little secret (by the title of the movie that part of the plot is obvious too) is going to get who killed next?

The blonde who isn't pregnant (there were five all together, there usually is) goes for the first aid kit and falls through the floor, impaling her leg on... something. She finds a room full of toys (brrrr). And someone - or something is with her. The junkie father-to-be finds her and goes to help her out - until he finds some bottles of morphine. And needles. To hell with his friend, he shoots up instead.

The other blonde's dirty secret? She's a cutter. Not exactly something one should be punished for but the little ghosty doesn't like that 'cause mommy cut her wrists after her daughter died so... not getting any help the blonde tries to climb out herself, falls and hits her head on the metal toolbox. Two down.

The drunk driver comes to and proceeds to tell the little-bit-pregnant blonde about the former owners (yawn). Not wanting to lose his wife too, the owner tied her to a table in the basement, keeping her quiet with morphine and, eventually, trying to impregnate her again (eww). Meanwhile our junkie had found that the old morphine was 'weak' and with the little girl watching, keeps injecting himself until he OD's. Three down.

So two are left and yet the movie plods on. The final secret is revealed - the last guy, brother of the addict, confesses he is the one who impregnated the blonde when she passed out after a party. Ooh, real nice guy. Yes, that's right, in this movie he's the nicest guy. Makes you proud of the young, doesn't it?

The preggers blonde becomes a philosopher to the ghosty girl telling her that being mean to people doesn't fill holes, it just makes more holes. Umm, what? Never mind, the movie's almost over. But not soon enough. The final 'chase' drags and drags and drags and of course it's all in the dark so you see almost nothing.

He catches her and the movie's over. What? It's not? Oh bloody hell. Now we hear more ranting, more screaming, as the drunk driver (who of course was the baby boy of the motel family) tells the ghosty girl the tied up idiot is going to be her new mommy. Yay. Can we go home now? No? One more little twist and it's a real duh fest - the blonde (Megan) is tied up but fighting - she miscarries. And manages to stab her captor. And get free. And lift the unconscious boy who raped her on the table and tie him down. And leaves him in the cellar with Angela (and the dead bodies) for company.

She then goes to the magic deserted road, used by absolutely no one unless you stand in the middle of it and gets splatted. What a wonderful ending. Hey, at least it's AN ENDING.