Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

DON'T 'POO POO' THE POO POO

THE ULTIMATE DATE NIGHT MOVIE TO SHARE WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE (WARNING: SCATALOGICAL AND OTHER BODILY FUNCTION REFERENCES FOLLOW AND MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME.. YOU WIMPS)





ゾンビアス Zonbi Asu aka Zombie Ass: Toilet Of The Dead (2011)

I'm not ashamed to say I waited almost a year to get this movie, from the time I first heard about it until it finally arrived thanks to Amazon's amazing selection of the seemingly unobtainable. I had first ordered it from my (very reliable) local comic book source, but after almost six months of waiting, they informed me that sorry, they would NOT be acquiring any copies of said movie and cancelled my order. I then turned to Amazon and pre-ordered the movie which said would not ship until summer (this was about the beginning of the year) and waited hopefully, almost afraid my order would be cancelled again. Oh boy oh joy it arrived just as promised!

And my husband promised me to watch it with him so I told him he was half responsible for this review. He reluctantly agreed, but provided some of the best lines and funnies during the movie while I was busy finding all the continuity errors (of which there were plenty) and when they changed from models to CGI in scenes (of which there were also plenty). We've been married 30 years, which is just about the right amount of time to use this as a date movie. If you're trying to impress some young thing by dinner and a movie and you both want zombies - go see World War Z you amateurs.

I didn't count on it being so hard to write a review for the movie though - I'm not sure if I'm embarrassed to report how weird and funny it was to watch a movie about lots of poop, butt worms and zombies or if I thought I wouldn't be able to do the movie justice. Then I thought screw it - so here it goes:

Okay let's start with the basic premise of the story. I think the director of the film, Noboru Iguchi just said "I want zombies. I want gross bodily functions. I want Japanese school girls in uniform. I want lots and LOTS of excrement. Now make me a movie!" So we have five young people (one in uniform so you know right away she's going to be the ass kicker) on an undefined road trip to catch fish. Why? The prettiest (they say) of the group wants to find a parasite from a fish to swallow so she can be extra skinny. Yeah, people still do that. Why these five are together or even speaking to each other is not explained and not important so shut up. And I SWEAR that the one in the yellow t-shirt was in the 'Gangnam Style' video...

Now I'm going to state right away it was the hubby's job to find the funny, me to criticize the film - my job was extremely easy. Continuity errors? There WAS no continuity. Or logic or sense or anatomical accuracy but we'll get to that. His job? Coming up with good lines or puns to fit the action, which he did very well. See this movie was kind of like Evil Dead. 

Oh not in locale or plot or action or... what I mean is that when you go to the extreme with... things you can't control (with Evil Dead it was blood and guts, with this movie it's poop) there's not going to be continuity between one scene to another 'cause how are you going to keep a stain looking the same from one day to the next? Not gonna happen and they don't even try.

One guy starts the duh factor off right away with a scene where he starts to make out with the pretty girl. He's wearing a tank top and a shirt. The shirt comes off - next scene it's on - next scene it's off... you get the idea.

They get a fish, cut it open and the buxom idiot of the group swallows the large parasite whole. Oh c'mon people it's not real and if you can't take it, stop now 'cause it's going to get oh so much worse. Almost at once she starts to get cramps. And she's gotta fart. But that ain't happening.

See, Japanese women think (at least that's what they try to convince the world) that bodily functions are not ladylike and it would be better to die than to do something... unseemly. Oh, it's okay to have little girls wear skirts that constantly show their underwear, as long as nothing comes out.  


In ABC's Of Death F must have stood for What The F***?
In the movie The ABC's Of Death, the letter F was, of course, for Fart. The dainty Japanese girl mused that there must not be a God because if there was, a girl would not need to fart and it wouldn't stink. Well, this worm eating girl's not going to be so lucky. The farts start, she vainly attempts to hold them in while they search for an outhouse which is conveniently nearby. I'll tell you right now honey, when you've got the walking farts, you can grab your butt as hard as you wanna but they're gonna come out. Just sayin'.


Anywho, the girl finds the, uh, outhouse and does the squat. Don't worry, for all her protesting and all the noise, nothing, uh, nasty is seen - unless you count the zombie that comes rising slowly out of the - sewage and grabs the girl on the butt. A lot. I mean they really milked this scene. He's grabbing, the... stuff is smearing all over this dainty girl's butt and underwear and finally he and his buddies start to rise out of the squat hole.

The girl runs to the others for help - with not a speck of excrement on her and her underwear pulled up and clean. Uh huh. C'mon, uneven splatter is expected - no splatter is just insulting. The zombies follow and begin TO THROW EXCREMENT LIKE MONKEYS. My hubby noticed that the 'lead' zombie actually had a jacket with pockets he was scooping crap out of and tossing at them. How handy.

The precise beginning of these zombies is not clear - the parasite that takes their bodies and minds over is either a mutation or alien - they leave that conveniently unsolved. See the whole thing started because this doctor has a daughter with cancer and the parasites and him have an agreement (?!?) that if his daughter carries one it will kill the cancer and let her live. But she has to swallow one each day and crap one out each day. Sorry, there's no better way to say that. 

Where does he get 'em? From a chained zombie (who was inexplicably wearing glasses) he repeatedly hits in the stomach with a baseball bat. Woof. She swallows, he gives her the King of enemas and the 'old' parasite is expelled. My butt hurt just watching that.

We now have the beginning of the battle between wormy zombies and the young people. These people were stupid enough to eat a meal the doctor gave them of noodles (I am NEVER eating Ramen again!) and so now all have the wrigglies in their tummies - which means all are beginning the farts.

Our uniform clad schoolgirl has a flashback - her younger sister, when cornered by bullies was forced to fart to 'save' her older sister the embarrassment of performing such a vile act - after which she promptly killed herself (they do that a lot in Eastern movies - not a great statement for the youth of Asia). So our main girl, named Megumi, took martial arts to become strong. Umm, I'm no karate or other kind of fight expert, but sphincter control is NOT a part of special fighting techniques. Unless I'm wrong. I'm not. How strong she can be when she weighs about 80 pounds (when standing naked my hubby commented she had the butt of a 60 year old man) and has no weapons of any kind...


So he's watching the funny, I'm watching their clothes. They have two outfits which they seem to switch from scene to scene - the impeccably clean ones and the filthy, bloody, poopy ones. And then the worms start coming out their... ah heck, it's not their mouths, okay? And anatomical correctness goes out the window because the sphincters are anywhere from the base of their spines to between their legs depending on the scene.

Gotta have a 'Thriller' zombie dance too, right? Well, not quite. See, the 'worms' develop brains and eyes so the hosts... it's kind of a backward crab walk as they 'chase' the others. Hell, you could WALK very slowly away from these guys and still get away. So the worms get desperate and start growing fast - and by that I mean anywhere from 20 to 100 feet long. Okay, we're not even going to try to be serious, got it. 


I DID warn you...
The pretty girl explodes into the 'queen' worm who inexplicably gets wings and grabs the doctor's little girl who has two swords 'cause in reality she's not a sweet little cancer victim, she's a mean mother of a little kid who needs to die NOW. 

The fight was a pretty impressive display of the combination of special effects models and CGI effects and, although it was obvious when they switched from one to the other still made for interesting scenes. We'll overlook the fact that the 'worm' was supposed to be coming out of their throat out the mouth but the end was clearly visible between their teeth.

After the others die and Megumi is left, her worm, uh, comes out but she somehow still has control. After the queen takes her up into the sky and drops her to her death, she decides to choose dishonor instead of death and the SUPERFART begins. With a yellow trail through the sky she flies to fight the queen. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!


I will mention at this point that the hubby was trying to be Joe Bob Briggs and making all the fighting a type of 'Fu' - there was Butt Fu (they simply sat on the zombie heads and squashed them), Sneaker Fu, Shotgun Fu (a double barreled shotgun with magical unlimited shooting capability), Long Stick Fu, Nail Gun Fu, and, of course, Parasite Fu. Many, many apologies Joe Bob.

Okay the fight in the sky: Unknown to the queen, Megumi had stolen the mega enema from the doctor and when she had the chance she, uh, shoves it home. The queen explodes and the young girl falls to be impaled on a tree branch. Kind of a grisly end for a little kid.


That's GOTTA be the guy from Gangnam Style...
Megumi decides that despite her dishonor, for the sake of her younger sister she will choose to live - she drinks up the rest of the anti-parasitic medicine the doctor kept on hand for the enemas and a lovely ending is had by all. Okay, there's no happy ending here 'cause that freaking thing is still in her and she's gotta get it out somehow... I don't wanna know how it ends to tell you the truth.

The hubby's favorite lines:

"I'm going to get parasitic on your ass."
"Like a woman, I'll never forgive you."