Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

UK TRIES BAD HORROR WITH ENTITY

A WITTY, ABOVE AVERAGE, DIFFERENT KIND OF GHOST HUNTING FOUND FOOTAGE TYPE OF MOVIE... SORRY, THAT IS A TOTAL LIE, MY BAD...









Entity (2012) UK

I freaking hate having fibro. For those who don't understand, think of it like having a recurring nasty flu that hits you just when you think you're going to accomplish something and you end up almost paralyzed, staring at nothing, the something or somethings you wanted to do swirling in your head and eating you up. Unless the drugs happen to work for a change and you get to sleep. I have sooo many movies to put up here but so little time to do them. 


So since I feel a bit of paralysis coming on and I'm trying to watch a movie that 'stars' Danny Trejo (he dies after three minutes), it's yet another possession movie. He and the other priest are chanting over the slobbering teenage girl (They're always teenage girls, right?), 'Release your brothers in the name of the Lord' yet I'm hearing in my head Fatboy Slim singing 'Check it out now, the funk soul brother'. I know a breakdown is minutes away so I'm gonna throw this trite garbage down quick and then go to bed and see if the drugs work this time.



This is supposed to be set in a Siberian forest. It's yet another crew of another 'hauntings' show called Darkest Secrets (real original guys), checking out yet another site. This is supposed to be a found footage movie. Fortunately for the audience, there's no shaky handheld running endlessly around screaming garbage. That was a plus. 


Unfortunately, the movie premise was tired and cheap, the purposely 'messed up' camera work was just annoying, and really folks, this whole scenario has been done to death. I read somewhere that someone said it was original - guess they don't watch too many movies. The ending was just - meh.

If you're confused as to which movie I'm talking about, that's because, like many other movies, they seem to almost all be using entity, haunting, paranormal, possessed or possession in the title. Just looking up info on this one I waded through several before finding the one I was actually watching. If for some unknown reason you actually want to find this, just look for it with the annoying backwards 'N'. 



At the blessed end it dedicates the movie to a Tracey Jane Wilkerson 1965-2012. I couldn't find a trace of that name (this person is not in or working in the movie) and when I looked around as I do 'cause of my OCD all I could find was some chick asking about her, "She's gotta have been 49 or so, right?" Oh, the educational system is working really well, isn't it?

Update as of 5/3/15: A reader suggested that maybe Ms. Wilkinson (I spelled the name wrong originally, what a surprise) was the actress and, wondering if I could find anything out, I looked again. There are several ladies in British media named Wilkinson but the closest I could find to what may have been the person they spoke of ('This film is dedicated to the life and bravery of Tracey Jane Wilkinson 1965-2012' is the actual statement) came in the form of an article of a man who was her partner for 15 years. He spoke of her struggle with cystic fibrosis, how she wrote a script that they made into a movie after she had died, and that she passed in 2012. If this is the right lady, here is the link:

http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/health/david-gledhill-writing-a-screenplay-helped-me-cope-with-losing-love-of-my-life-to-cystic-fibrosis-29675829.html


Update as of 4/7/16: I received a message from Neva Walker who said, "Tracey Wilkinson was actually my aunt. She was previously married to the director of this film and after she died in 2012, Steve dedicated it to her. She is the woman you found the article on." Thank you and we are sorry for your family's loss.

In 1998, because apparently despite the fact that the world is supposed to be a better place where we all get along (not getting into politics here, I know things still suck), in a Siberian forest (that's Russia for those of us, and I'm including myself, who are geographically challenged) shallow graves were found with 34 bodies of men and women in them. The Russians for some reason just wouldn't cooperate and tell anybody why. Duh. Maybe they were too busy covering up the Dyatlov Pass Incident.

But they WOULD allow an English TV crew there to snoop around and do the Scooby Doo thing 'cause they're taping stuff for their show called 'Darkest Secrets' (Running out of names are we?), supposedly really, really dependable 'cause they have a REAL psychic working for them. Uh huh. 


The duhs are coming out of my mouth faster than the Russian guide they hired can talk. Aaaaand I'm sneezing my head off and so cold medicine with my usual meds combo should be kicking in... I wondered why there was no snow. It's Siberia isn't it? Nope. This was done on the cheap, meaning they used good ole' Northern England for the sets. 

I was just glad for the close captioning - the combo of Russian and English accents was NOT something I could handle at the moment. Just 'cause my hearing is kaput, not being prejudiced or anything. Oops, more sneezing, gotta hurry.


Umm.. okay. TV crew in Russia checking out dirty secrets starting in a forest. A 'real' psychic woman feels bad vibrations in the soil. She 'sees' Russian soldiers shooting people in hospital gowns. Umm, that would mean the soldiers were dead too, right? No? Sorry, I don't know how this fake... umm I mean genuine psychic stuff is supposed to work. I guess it depends movie by movie. So now the woman (Ruth) senses something beyond the forest. The Russian knew this - he (Yuri) was testing her to see if she was 'real'. Uh, so far yeah. Real boring.

Don't get excited - it doesn't really pick up any and is soon over. We have four on the crew plus Yuri so there's no 15-minutes-setting-up-cameras-montage. That is good. There is a lot of Ruth gasping as she 'senses' different presences. That is boring. Yuri reveals his secret (we really didn't ask you Yuri) - he wanted to find his loved one who was one of the 'special' people kept there. Special? 


Apparently, in most countries psychics get their own TV show - in the USSR (oops, sorry, that doesn't exist - I mean the Russian Federation) they get imprisoned to be experimented on, to see if they can be used for nefarious purposes. When it was shut down, so were they - with a bullet. Yuri just wants his loved one to 'move on' and she can't do that unless Ruth tells her to. Uh, why exactly? Never mind, here's how it ends:

Of course one of the supposed victims is hyper-strong, a super duper massive of rage. So he's blocking everyone and keeping them there. Why exactly? Oops, sorry - good thing you can't catch what I've got through a computer screen, I think I'm getting woozy. Either that or it's trying to keep track of this bull spit.


So one guy dies cheaply - meaning no one sees it happen, when they find what they think is him alive we get horrifically bad camera work that sort of shows him being beaten to death. Yuri is next. Good. Dumbass. 

So Ruth lays down to calmly talk to the rageaholic and help him go to the light or whatever the hell it is she's supposed to do 'cause they feed on energy so no one can get mad or scared - so of course everybody does lots of both. When the remaining two come to Ruth to leave she's acting... funny.


Not funny ha ha. Funny as in funny they can't see what we who have seen way too many of these horrible things have figured out within the first 15 minutes - when you tell people it's found footage, everybody dies. The last two numbnuts die clueless. 

We see the last woman (for some reason still looking like herself, the other 'dead' crew look like black eyed duh monsters) trying to talk to 'Ruth' who of course is no longer 'Ruth' - her face did have an interesting bit of a makeup job but not worth getting through this movie to see. 


Then the last woman slowly fades away with the others, leaving 'Ruth' to lurch away from the facility - uh to go where exactly? You know what - never mind, just show the damn credits.