Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, July 15, 2013

I HATE CREATURE FEATURES - GIMMIE ZOMBIES AND PSYCHOS EVERY TIME



Crawlspace (2012) Australia

I'm not supposed to be doing this movie, I'm supposed to cover another creature feature (actually several) with Tim Forston who's wit is almost equal to my own (heh heh) - a little flick called Tremors. Buuut, you know, life happens, we get sidetracked, more life happens and here we are months later. Whoops. 

I kept passing this movie over since I was sure I'd already seen it until I noticed the year of the movie. Remake? Ah crap, does it have Colin Farrell in it too? (I'm probably one of the few women in the world who shudders with disgust when I see him) and since the movie I think I saw from 1986 wasn't good enough to see what they'd done to it.

Fortunately this is a whole 'nother movie, made in Australia who's not really known for great horror. Unless they have killer dingos or something. No, I'm not being racist, it's just that every one I've seen takes place in the outback with some sort of rabid... whatever.

This is about a bunch of commandos who have to penetrate a secret military base that's been 'compromised' but they're not told how or why. If you see this movie I say prepare to see a lot of Species, Splice, or any other movie where they're messing with the human genome trying to make something 'better' than human. And they always fail. Duh.

So they show up not having any idea what they'll find and they start dying by the handful right away. And most of them by their own hands or their buddy's. The lead team comes upon a woman and are prepared to waste her as she's marked as one of the 'prisoners' they keep there but the lead man, Romeo (oh that's original) stops them because she's his dead wife. He thinks. Pretty positive. Maybe. 

She, in turn, has no memory at all but she gets 'flashes' of a life with him so she follows the team as it becomes apparent (and hope your not claustrophobic 'cause a lot of this movie occurs in ventilation ducts) that the military have been doing naughty things down in this hole.

They lose more people fighting a mutant gorilla (duh) that just won't die. And Romeo is trying to find out how his wife, Eve (ah come on!) could be here, participating in this experiment when she's supposed to be dead. Very dead. He's 100 percent sure because... wait for it...

They encounter the remnants of the scientists who were running the show and we get our typical and totally non-original idea - they were attempting to take people who already had a bit of psi talent and make them into total weapons. The leader even asserts that such people are already around important world leaders to keep other people from messing with their minds (can we have some here 'cause I think.. well that's not important). 

How do you know when one of these super-psi's are controlling you? In the same dull way movies always show - the affected person's nose starts bleeding. Duh. Oh and she makes a weird noise - the CC called it a 'purring sound'. Not quite but whatever - oh yeah and her eyes go black. Massive duh on lack of creativity here.

The scientists on the Genesis project (okay they weren't even trying with the names, were they?) try to convince Romeo that the woman he's protecting was a powerful psi who was also totally psychotic and chose experimentation over prison. She will do anything to protect herself - including posing as Romeo's wife. Besides, he remembers what happened to her, why she died. right?

Okay this movie isn't worth going on and on so let's get to the punchline: Eve is not Romeo's wife (duh) and when he concentrates REAL hard (you can almost see the smoke) he realizes his wife looked totally different, besides she's dead - 'cause he killed her. She was marked as a traitor and he was ordered to kill her to prove his loyalty. They tell him she was innocent (how they know I have no idea). So all eventually die except for Romeo and Eve. 

Eve wants to see the engagement ring he was going to give the REAL woman he loved and, realizing that she's a monster (finally!) he pulls out a ring - on the grenade on his vest. He blows up but she escapes 'cause hey, we've got one more little twist that's so tired it's almost funny. She gets out of the compound as it explodes and NOW remembers that part of her brain was removed and part of a brain belonging to an alien life form was put inside. Now she just needs to remember the line; 'My name is Alice. I worked for the Umbrella Corporation.' and she's good to go.

Sorry, that's how dumb it was and you had to get through the whole movie to find that out. Yikes.