Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, July 26, 2013

A MOVIE THAT'S LIKE - OKAY, WHAT IF THIS HAPPENS BUT THEN THAT HAPPENS BUT THEN THIS OTHER THING HAPPENS BUT THEN THEY ALL GET MIXED UP AND THEN...








Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001) UK/Canada/US

I'm going to take a gamble and guess that this movie was made before 9/11 just because of the premise, the plot, and really the whole damn movie. What's wild about this third movie in a series I've never seen (and NEVER will) is that the first one wasn't successful. In fact, it was a big flop. So why the hell did they make two more? Trying to get it right? If that was the case, they majorly failed - and some 10 year old who wrote this drivel is probably grounded for life. I say 10 because the plot... well let's get into it. 

Getting some extra info on this movie led to a page that said it was excessively detailed and needed to be edited down. I resisted the impulse to wipe the page clean. Hey, it would have been better, and maybe people would have wanted to watch it then. You never know.


What's ultra-amazing to me about this movie is that it boasts the like of Rutger Hauer, Gabrielle Anwar (great in Burn Notice), Craig Sheffer (Nightbreed is one of my fave movies), Joe Mantegna, and introduces John Mann (too bad he's a Canadian folk singer) in a dual role, one being the death metal singer Slade.


This is the plot and I shit you not, I'm presenting it in the clearest way I know how. A death metal rocker named Slade Craven is retiring and wants to go out with a huge bang. But instead of one final BIG concert, his great idea is to get a BIG airplane, a Boeing 747, have a few lucky contest winners on board, do a concert that's also being broadcast on a kind of pay-per-view on the internet, collect his money and leave. Simple, no?


NO. Now we have these FBI guys looking for a master hacker named Nick Watts (Craig Sheffer) who can't be caught. UNTIL he gets careless 'cause he wants to jack into the feed of Slade's concert 'cause he's a major fan but he doesn't want to pay plus he wants access to all the cameras on board. In doing so he finally gets careless and an overeager agent named Kate (Gabrielle Anwar) is tired of just doing desk work so even though her boss (Joe Mantegna) says no, she decides to track him down and take him down anyway. She gets into Nick's apartment and arrests him.


But wait, there's more. It turns out that Slade has brought a gun on board, because his last concert is going out with a bang. Ahem. I'm truly sorry about that. Anywho, he kills the pilot, leaving only the co-pilot in charge (Only two in the cockpit of a huge airplane? Nuh uh.) plus another to prove he's seriously deranged. Filming the whole thing is some reporter (her performance was negligible) and her cameraman (same). So only the co-pilot (Rutger Hauer) is flying this 747 into a storm that's getting nasty fast. Uh huh.


Oh but wait my children, we've only started. See Craven is not really Craven, he's an impostor who's locked Craven up. This false Craven, rather than being a decent, hardworking death metal head, is actually a Satanist, part of the Guardians Of The Gateway cult. No, really. Swear on my dead mother. Wait, can't do that - she's still alive. And he has accomplices on board and on the ground. In fact, they blow up a whole FAA tower. Actually, even though this was probably made early in the year I'm surprised they still released it to video. Damn.


Is that the whole plot? Ah hell no! See, these Satanists have an agenda. Now I know this is getting a little complicated (pffft) but stay with me. These guys want to fly the plane to Stull, Kansas to crash into a small church there since they believe if they do, Satan is free to roam the Earth. Uh, sorry to tell you fellas, but the Bible says that he already does. Oh, but nobody reads that, never mind. 


Now Stull, Kansas happens to be a real town (very small) with a church that has been vandalized A LOT due to occult rumors. Thanks a lot you jerks - your stupid movie and it's so-complicated-you-need-a-program-to-keep-the-story-straight plot has caused this poor little town nothing but trouble. Did you pay for any of it with the money you made off of this straight to video movie? Oh yeah, this one bombed too (no pun intended - ah who am I kidding, I meant every word).


Soooooo... here we are. Two people, FBI and hacker in an apartment watching on all cameras this little stupid story unfold. Craven locked in a room that, gee whiz, has both a camera AND a computer in it and thus the two on the ground can see him and talk to him. Convenient? Hell no. Nothing about this movie is convenient. Slade gets free and confronts his imposter (also played by Mann - they just used a different voice), ripping off his wig (yes, Mann is bald) and blah blah blah the reporter is also involved blah blah blah so is the co-pilot blah blah blah...


When Slade gets into the cockpit Rutger does a kind of meh speech about the coming of the new... uh... well he's gonna get his reward now so he takes yet another gun (apparently everybody's got 'em in this movie) and blows his brains out. Now the plane is on a downward spiral and there's only Slade Craven at the helm. Well - they're dead. They should be - but wait - there's the FBI and hacker duo to the rescue. I guess.

So the two contact Craven and tell him he needs to land the damn plane in Kansas City. Oh, sure, that's what every death metal singer does on his time off. So how many flying hours do the two have between them? Um, well, the hacker HAS played Flight Simulator an awful lot. And we all know how good drivers are who have played Grand Theft Auto. And so yeah, everybody's dead.

Meanwhile, in the Kansas City tower a REAL flight instructor has arrived and is told to help Craven land the plane. But, and I swear by my blog that he actually says this - he can't interrupt the dialogue between Craven and the hacker because 'they have a thing'. Oh, well, easy peasy.

Craven lands the plane, people get off, Craven's a hero, and the FBI chick sleeps with the hacker instead of arresting him and a great time was had by all. Except for the poor saps who watched this abortion of a movie.

If there was ANYTHING even remotely funny about this, it's that Craig Sheffer apparently also was in Turbulence 2. Yikes.