Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Monday, July 8, 2013


ゾンビアス Zonbi Asu aka Zombie Ass: Toilet Of The Dead (2011)



Don't worry, the movie's coming, it's just that these were almost as good...

I just had to start with the previews that came with my DVD - if the US did trailers like these I might go to the theater more often...

1. Japanese cowgirl/Yakuza Hunter Asami is at it (again?) in Yakuza Hunter: Duel In Hell. As for gore in just the preview alone we get a chainsaw to the groin (ouch!), a head caved by a bullet, a hand blown clean off, and many, many beatings. It's been three years. After beaten up to death, she made a come back. (Those are their words, not mine so don't whine) By Spaghetthi Western Bastard (again, shut up! I know!) Director/Writer/Editor Shinichi Okuda

2. The girl turns her dress. Precedes through a rain of blood (I'm not going to warn you again!). Eyes burning with flames of revenge. Psycho Gothic Lolita. Earth shattering violent action (mostly consisting of women in petticoats fighting with swords from what they showed, but blood rains nonetheless). Grotesque Japanese art. (I wanna see the frilly umbrella that shoots lead) All brought to you by the same special modeling director who gave such classics as Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl. Beauty, modeling and action!

3. The game has finally become a movie. (Shows a flying girl in a bikini and cowboy hat with two swords fighting through, uh, zombies? Bad guys?) Onechanbara: The Movie. AD 20XX - the zombies are overflowing in the streets. One pretty girl ('cause you wouldn't see an ugly girl in a bikini in a movie, right?) stands up to defeat them. Her destiny is tainted blood. Sexy and violence (say it with a heavy Japanese accent to get it right).

4. To the city of the dead the invincible chick finally returns (up bup bup!). Take double swords and slash all the zombies! Based on the popular game (why not, the US does this all the time) the ultimate sexy battle (is there any other kind?) is coming to the big screen. Chanbara Beauty Vortex: The Movie (they seem to like colons in their titles a lot).

5. This is most danger movie (I saw you smirking back there! Get out!). To avoid fainting, keep repeating, it's only a movie.. only a movie (actually this gimmick has been used several times in the past by bad horror movies in the US). They will come they will come they will come they will come they will come they will come they will come. THEY COME IN THE TOILET. Zombie Ass: The Toilet Of The Dead (yes, it's for this movie, now hush). This is Japanese zombie. They are living in the toilet. They pervert! They are dangerous! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! (Listed among the stars of the movie is my personal favorite: Shit Zombie, as Demo Tanaka. Isn't that backwards?) DON'T SEE THIS MOVIE! (Their words)

And now our two movies actually taking place in the US:

6. (No we're not done yet, you got something better to do?) An American states her dream was to work on Wall St. but all men are bastards and she's attacked so... not pretty enough for a bikini and cowboy hat I guess she wears the mask of a ninja and goes after the bastards - which is pretty much anyone who's male in this movie I guess. Shinobi Girl. She takes their lives since they took her soul - hmm, good trade.

7. It wouldn't be a complete crap offering if we didn't have our Paranormal story so... In 2003 a group of paranormal investigators entered the infamous Fisher House - and were never seen again. We have our skeptics, our believers and one woman who wants to marry a dead guy. WTH? Wait you goons - this has a Japanese girl in it. Sheesh. Tsukiko is a girl whose mother was raped by a demon and so hovers between two worlds - but to keep her human side she must FEED THE BEAST. Whatever the hell that means, guess you'll have to find the movie. Hmm? Oh, the name -  Flesh For The Beast: Tsukiko's Curse. Duh.

Woof, that was longer than some of my reviews but hey, if you even find ONE of those movies and know where I can watch them, let me know.  DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!

 - And shame on all of you that thought I wasn't talking about a real movie. They've got some twisted minds there in Japan. I like it.