Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

I WANT MY FREAKING LIFE BACK! AKA DUMB, DUMBER, DUMBEST, DUMBESTEST, DUMBELDORE, DUMBLEBEE, DUMBDERDUMBDEDUMB



Movies To Avoid Like The Plague They Are

So I found a movie that was not only a story and strong characters with little blood and gore and a happy ending. So it's only logical that for the next umpteenth movies I find nothing but crap. Massive amounts of crap. I was going to watch a documentary by the Booth brothers called Children Of The Grave (2007) just for something halfway smart - but it's about paranormal activity (never seen I'm sure) whenever they sneak around scaring each other. When they said that over the past century thousands of mass graves have been uncovered I yelled (I was getting pretty frustrated at that point) 'Where else are they going to be buried, the moon?' 

And when they continued that 2/3 of them were.. the hubby pipes up with 'DEAD!' so since I knew that this was a supposedly sad piece of garbage about orphaned children in mass graves I stopped it right there. I WAS proud of my husband though - when they said over half of EVPs are those of children he asked what an EVP was. 

That means dear readers he hasn't been exposed to ridiculous movies in mass quantities. I envy him. And I gave him the Supernatural Activity movie definition of an EVP:

(Damon Dealer) Electronic Voice Phenomenon: See, with demons we all know they're very powerful creatures. They're large, they have razor sharp teeth, claws, the whole nine. For whatever reason though, they have very weak diaphragms. And so when it comes to electronics, their voices just don't carry very well. So what we do is blow up the files, and we basically look for any sort of speed bumps.

I love that movie.

So because I got a good movie, karma (and lists made by movie reviewers who are total morons) dictates that I must suffer through a bad one. But they got worse... and worse... and worse... and yikes! There's one that may have some redeeming qualities because of the spook and the almost-interesting story so I'll do that one separate - in the meantime I've got these:




Revenant aka An American Ghost Story (2012): I started watching this and getting uncomfortable deja vu. I realized that I had seen this one and not reviewed it (it was on my review list though) so I sighed, settled back and started my horror worksheet (patent pending). I will give some snaps though - it was shot for $10,000, and the Director, Derek Cole, actually used his own house for the shoot. So for extremely low budget, low interest horror, I can't put this one on the bottom of the pile.

This is a haunted house movie with the setup being a writer named Paul and his girlfriend move into a house where a man killed his family then himself (uh, ah forget it) so that he can 'get in touch' with the spirits he's sure are still in the house and write a book about it. 

This time (meaning in this movie since it's just like every other haunted house movie out there) the girlfriend knows the whole thing before she moves in with him and is actually looking forward to some Casper moments. AND he actually admits he wants to cash in on the current popularity of anything paranormal.

She lasts ONE DAY (yes, they spell out each day for you) - after the typical creaks, doors opening, balls bouncing and rolling, then the kitchen doing a 'Poltergeist' on her and piles up all the chairs on top of the table like nobody's ever seen in a movie before (because ghosts are just frustrated, sports oriented house decorators who want things a certain way) he finds her crying in a corner and she's outta there. I guess she stayed long enough to warrant putting her on the movie poster.

Nothing happens to him though. He wanders, trying all the first grade ghost hunter things to do (Let's not go into the EVP and stuff again, 'kay?) Nothing. Finally, one night something is in bed with him. We get the body-shaped sheet with nothing under it - wow, scary stuff. I'm yawning so hard my jaw pops. And the 95 minutes of torture isn't over. He wanders around, asks the houseowner questions - when the owner asks why and he admits he's writing a book, my favorite line comes up, "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Touche'. 

Another funny is when his friend sets him up on the email gag of making you look real close at a picture then ROOOOOOAAAAR! A scary picture pops up and screams at you. Geez, we were doing that in the 90's. Did anyone ever get the 'haunted car commercial' gag sent to them? Trouble was, it wasn't effective if you didn't have the sound way up - but it still makes you jump.

Finally toys start to move and he thinks he's in touch with the kids and wife but the murdering husband isn't cooperating. So he gets nasty and the 'dad' appears.... standing under a sheet. Let me say that again. WE. HAVE. A. GHOST. UNDER. A. SHEET.

Of course this escalates as the spirit (who appears to like the sheet a lot, he keeps it on) as Paul starts to get thrown around the house, banging him off walls, ceiling, whatever. Too bad there wasn't a running ceiling fan, that would have been funny. So with REAL (pffft) evidence of a haunting, Paul decides he doesn't want to write a book that bad and moves out immediately.

He gets out and moves to the city (still no girlfriend, she must not have forgiven him) and our last scene is of him talking to his friend, thanking him for packing up the last of his stuff and sending it. He opens the last box...

Do I really have to say this? Fine. The last item in the box is a sheet and it attacks him. The end.

Apartment 1303 3D (2012): I understand that this is a US/Canadian version of the Japanese film of the same name (just not in 3D). I really REALLY wish I could have seen the Japanese version. Oh and a disclaimer - nothing happened anything like the poster so don't be disappointed.

When you have to attempt to watch a movie more than twice, that's a pretty good indication to not bother trying anymore - but I did because <points at blog name>. So on my third try this is what this movie was:

Rebecca De Mornay comes out of whatever closet she's been hiding in to play a drunken has-been singer who has two adult daughters desperate to get away from her. The youngest has found this apartment with a fantastic view in a spiffy building (it even has a mini mart on the ground floor). She signs a lease sight unseen.

The apartment apparently has a history and the second the girl tries to spend a day there, she freaks. Things move, smells come and go, she thinks she sees another face in the mirror blah blah blah.... she asks for help from her boyfriend who apparently is George Michael from the early 90's that somebody captured and brought here in a time machine.

Despite his 'help' the spirits get her and toss her out the window. Splat. So the older sister, just as eager to get away from her mother, tries her hand at living in the place. She finds out that four girls (including her sister) have 'jumped' off the balcony within days of renting the place. But, the officer says solemnly, buildings don't kill people, people kill people. I inhaled some of my pop up my nose at that one thank you very much.

After I stopped coughing and spitting nasty words at the screen, I continued with the movie. There is NOTHING to this movie but a small backstory of a mother who abused her kid so when the kid was big enough she killed her, stuffed her in a closet, and when the smell was bad enough for the police to show up, she jumped off the balcony. That's it. So it's Ju-on but not nearly as interesting.

George Michael's past self turns out to be a cop so he stays with the older sister to see what's what. He gets thrown out the window and is impaled with glass. When the sister finds him she grabs a knife for protection - just as her mother comes in. She tells her mom to stay away but the 'spirit' of the angry daughter shoves the mother into the knife.

The cops show up and of course now the older sister is looking forward to either prison for life or a straightjacket because buildings don't kill... (cough cough cough dammit cough cough)...

The Unbroken (2012): This is 100 minutes of total bullcrap that belongs on the Lifetime channel (because men are evil and they will hurt you). An artist has just gone through a bad divorce (her husband knocked up some 19 year old) and has to move into what they describe as a dumpy apartment complex. Exqueeze me? It's clean, new, with a great swimming pool in the middle. Exactly what part was dumpy?

Anyway, this whole thing is an insult. Daniel Baldwin is now guaranteed to be a psycho in every low budget horror movie he's in now (if you see him in the credits, you might as well give the movie a pass), the woman playing Sarah was so... blah it was impossible to feel sorry for her. The 20 something guy trying to help her (and dying for it) had more personality than any of them put together.

This movie also boasts having Warwick Davis (Willow) in it and this is the biggest insult of the whole movie - they cast him as an owner of a new age store full of incense, tarot cards and other pieces of crap and you realize that they're trying to copy the character of Tangina in Poltergeist - just because he is a little person. What an insult to him and to his talent - he did NOT deserve to be in this movie and I hope somebody apologized to him afterward because he got fu.... screwed.

Oh, Sarah is 'haunted' by a little boy who finally gives her enough clues to show that Daniel Baldwin's character killed him and buried him in the shed out back of the apartments. DUH. 

After fifty scenes of shattering glass we finally get the police to investigate after Daniel's killed and yup there was a body... of a woman, not a little boy. In the end she sees the little boy has moved on to the apartment next door. Why? I DON'T CARE WHY I JUST WANT MY 100 MINUTES BACK!

......and finally, the crap de resistance......



Jug Face (2013): If you live in the South, prepare to be very insulted. If you are a snooty 'high concept' reviewer, go ahead and tout this film as a thoughtful and stark piece of horror. Idiots. This movie which uses every inbred stereotype there could possibly be, plus a lot they just made up on the spot. This was THE WORST waste of 81 minutes I've experienced in the last... uh, what day is it?


But I've learned an important lesson today. Buildings don't kill people, pits kill people. The pit wants what it wants. Ow, sorry about that - I think I just experienced an aneurysm. This piece of backwoods hooey is about a lackluster girl who wants out of her little community. She's got a good reason - she's been promised to a guy (and her mom checks to make sure she's still a virgin - no I will NOT explain that).

Trouble is our girl is knocked up already - by her brother who, in a crowd of plain rednecks, looks like he climbed out of an Aberfimbie and Crotch catalog. Yeah I know. That's what I said the first time out loud and the hubby after laughing at me for about an hour made me keep it that way. Said it was the only good part of the movie and he's right.

What is the pit? It's a hole. In the ground. With some water in it. They color it red if it 'takes' somebody. Sorry dude, that's it. The pit is their... religion I guess you'd call it. When it wants blood, they sacrifice one of their own. Who? Whoever's face a dull witted potter makes into a 'jug face' while in some sort of trance. 

The girl finds one with her likeness and hides it which angers the... uh, pit. The murders by an unseen (read really cheap) creature begin. One by one they die until she 'fesses up that she and her bro' have been doing the nasty. They can't ask him if that was true, he died already.

She runs, the potter tries to help, she's caught, they're whipped, she miscarries, she runs, more die, she's sorry, she comes back, they kill her as the potter watches in sorrow because for whatever reason he loved her. The end.


I'm gonna go watch some cartoons now... after my head stops throbbing...