Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Saturday, December 28, 2013


The Year 2013

This was a big year for the remake/reboot genre. I know, I know, it's not in itself a genre but it should be. We wept (or at least cursed under our breaths) when we saw our past favorites of every genre up on the big screen either chopped up and served to appease the younger masses, or in a bigger piss off, put up exactly as is with just a couple of 3D effects added and a bigger ticket price. Let's face it, 2013 sucked and 2014 isn't looking much brighter. This is what we had this year listed by Country:

United States:
Bad Milo!
Curse of Chucky
The Conjuring
Dark Skies
Evil Dead
Hatchett III
The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia
I Spit On Your Grave 2
It's A Beautiful Day (with Japan)
The Last Exorcism Part II
Texas Chainsaw 3D
Warm Bodies
We Are What We Are
Willow Creek
World War Z

The Complex
It's A Beautiful Day (with US)
Miss Zombie

The Chrysalis
The Deadly Strands
Lift To Hell
Midnight Train
Mysterious Island 2

Hong Kong:
Rigor Mortis
Tales From The Dark 1 & 2

S. Korea:
Horror Stories 2
Killer Toon

Long Weekend
Pee Mak

Dark Touch                              France/Ireland
Frankenstein's Army                 Netherlands
Mama                                      Canada/Spain

I'd hate to admit just how many of these I've actually seen. I didn't really try to see newer movies until this year and I didn't feel privileged in the slightest. We soooo need some new blood in the horror department it's getting hard to make fun of what is just sad and a repeat of everything else. Now if I was on the Satellite of Love with two faithful robots at my side...

But I'm alone. It seems a lot of other horror reviewers need to put a value on everything, whether it's a thumbs up or down, a number of stars, whatever. I don't do that for a very good reason: It over simplifies the movie. Geez, you watch for anywhere from 90 minutes to 120 minutes and you're just going to be satisfied by saying 'Two and a half stars out of five'? Pffft. You can do that just by reading the title.

I can give you my opinion of some things though, take it or leave it...

Worst Title Of The Year: The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia runs in a close first for the year. Connecticut - Georgia. Could they be further apart? Yes, but then they wouldn't be in the same Country. Massive duh. How does one story connect with the other except for the 'haunting' part? Sheesh.

Second Worst Title Of The Year: The Last Exorcism II. Exqueeze me? Can you repeat that and NOT see something wrong with that title? How can an exorcism be the last if.... <facepalm, reaches for Excedrin>

The Why Exactly Was This A Necessary Movie is a tie between I Spit On Your Grave II (which is a sequel to the REMAKE, not the original) and Texas Chainsaw 3D. And no I DON'T know if they 3D'd the first one or the REMAKE.

The Most Decent Reboot Of A Cult Movie: Evil Dead. I was prepared to hate this film, loving the original three as I do and wondering how you can even have an ED without Bruce, but except for the typical uneven action progression, kind of thin plot and predictable ending, they did a decent job - and thanks Sam for including the iconic Olds Delta 88 for us old people.

The Second Most Decent Reboot Of A Cult Movie: Whether you call this a cult classic or a franchise, this 'award' goes to Curse Of Chucky. I don't know why this was straight to video - they wanted to make Chucky back into a nasty little guy who's whole purpose was to kill instead of being a joke and they did that. Having the main character be handicapped (played actually pretty well by Brad Dourif's own daughter, Fiona) added to the tension and the mayhem. It wasn't a great movie but it didn't deserve the 'toss it in a bin' attitude.

A Movie That Was A Great Movie Once. Once.: Carrie. C'mon guys, we've had the original and best (even though I ripped it up from all the boo boo's in it as part of my review but it was still the best) in 1976, then a Broadway musical in 1988, a sequel called The Rage: Carrie 2 in 1999, a TV remake in 2002 (which they tried to make a series but thank goodness that didn't happen), and now this remake (they're not trying the 'reboot' trick with this one) which is supposed to be 'more faithful to the book'. Hmm. I read the book, the 1976 was pretty close as far as I remember - maybe I'll have to read it again before I attempt to watch this new treatment of the infamous girl with a deadly temper.

Oh yeah, that looks totally real... really.
The Only Two Zombie Movies (in the US) Of The Year Suuuuuuucked: In the number one spot of this two-movie category would have to be World War Z. A combination of Brad Pitt and a ton of CGI nonsense is NOT what we wanted for Max Brooks' famous novel - we wanted gore dammit - rotting flesh, suffering survivors - not a PG13 view of fakier than fake (my word, deal with it) piles of zombies that were... really dumb. Watching Brad Pitt and his single-expression acting was not a treat either. Ick.

The number two spot for this category is Warm Bodies. Again, PG-13 and when a parent gushes how finally she can take her children to see a zombie movie and not worry about the gore and violence we zombie lovers know to stay far far FAR away from this puke-warm treatment that is the Twilight of zombie movies. Besides, this is NOT an original idea - it was done (and done much better) in movies like Fido (2006), and even the stinkers Boy Eats Girl (2005) and A Little Bit Zombie (2012). In other words, bringing a vomit bag to the theater would be a good idea.

Whoops, sorry, wrong mama monster...
Biggest Movie Disappointment: Mama. I had high hopes for this one, being produced by Guillermo del Toro (well, he was an Executive Producer which probably means he looked at the movie and shrugged), and being described by everybody (read people trying to sell tickets) as 'extremely scary and spooky'. Pffft. 

There we go... you can understand my confusion...
When the movie started showing a father on the edge killing his coworkers and wife and taking off with his two girls, driving movie stupid on a snowy road (he was going off to kill them in the woods for some reason) and crashing, saving the girls and finding a cabin and STARTING A FIRE TO WARM THEM UP so he can, I dunno, shoot them without them shivering and ruining his aim, I immediately lost any respect for this film. The effects were... okay. But the ending was soooo obvious that I found myself just impatiently waiting for the credits.

Well that's it for the present - I'm sure I'll have more opinions soon. They seem to attack me whenever I'm trying to do something else (sleep, read, sleep some more) so prepare yourselves.