Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

STUPID MOVIE SUMMED UP IN LESS THAN THREE HUNDRED WORDS


The Apparition (2012)

"The following was filmed on May 21, 1973 when a group of paranormal psychologists tried to contact a recently deceased colleague named Charles Reamer. It is referred to today as 'The Charles Experiment.'" Of the original six, two died, one committed suicide and the other three disappeared.

This film is referred to today by me as 'The BS Experiment.' Rated PG13. Made by Dark Castle or I wouldn't have bothered. Yet another 'paranormal' type piece. A young couple conducting an experiment find that it has followed them home and shows up as mold in their new house. They freak. The mold grows. We yawn. Nobody bleeds.

What's the problem? This modern day ghost buster (rip off) waste of time has its 'containment' thingy fail. So spirits have found an open portal or something to go wreak havoc (and make more bad movies) and they can't close it. The couple of the movie, Ben and Kelly go to a hotel but what, do they think spirits can't see or something? 

So now they think they can 'contain' the spirits using a machine that, frankly, rips off the idea of Richard Matheson in The Legend Of Hell House. It fails as well - partly. It doesn't suck spirits in, it sucks in the people who try to use it. That's almost as good. In goes the idiot who started the whole mess, then the boyfriend and Kelly is all alone.

She thinks she's escaped but she's all alone - the whole world is empty. She goes to a Costco with no one in it (that must have been the hardest trick of the movie) and finds a tent on display and for some reason gets in. There she sits until she's sucked into... whatever. The end.