Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Thursday, June 27, 2013


Black Frankenstein aka Blackenstein (1973)

Who could possibly resist a title like Blackenstein? 'To Stop This Mutha Takes One Bad Brutha'. Umm, apparently a lot of people. While people went to see and enjoyed Blacula (looking for that one - haven't found it yet) they weren't really keen on this blaxploitation version of Mary Shelley. There's good reason for that.

We have the story of Eddie, an African-American Vietnam vet who had all his limbs blown off (Some Metallica anyone?). He's in a VA hospital, being mistreated by a white orderly. Oh that's subtle. But they didn't want to alienate people just based on race or the fact that he was a vet so they kind of... fudged on what the white orderly was so pissed about. Eddie asks for ice cream, the guy tells him to 'Get up and get it yourself.' while moaning that the whole thing happening in society was a big 'scam' though he's not clear if he's talking about equal rights or the war. All you see is a black man who lost all his limbs in a war being berated and belittled by a white man. Make your own conclusions.

Which is bigger - her screams, her hair, or her boobs?
His girlfriend, who conveniently is a doctor, asks for help from an old teacher Dr. Stein - she had heard he won the Nobel Prize for solving the DNA code. Uh, okay. That has everything to do with lost limbs I guess. Dr. Stein THEN shows her his experiments on the patients he keeps in his house. Uh, what? Oh well, shut up, right? It must not pay much, 'cause his lab is... pitiful, with beeps and clicks and of course the big waste of Tesla's talent - the electrical current travelling between two meaningless poles.

So Dr. Stein talks about reattaching limbs, stopping age and other goodies by using a 'DNA formula' and an 'RNA formula'. So not only does he supposedly have control over your DNA but your genes as well. Uh huh. But there's 'something wrong' with the RNA formula, as one of the former amputee's leg has stripes. Uh, what? Oh cool - to hell with tattoos, just get your RNA messed with and you're set.

Despite the, ahem, difficulties, she convinces her boyfriend to give it a try. Now they never mention where Dr. Stein gets all these limbs from that he attaches - other unfortunate vets? Cadavers? We're not told and frankly I don't wanna know. But two new arms and legs he gets and with constant injections of the 'DNA formula' he's healing nicely.

Meanwhile, Dr. Stein's assistant Malcomb has fallen in love with Dr. Walker but is rebuffed by her when she tells him she plans to marry Eddie as soon as he's on his feet. Sorry, couldn't help myself with that one. Malcomb is pissed and more than a little whacko, so he messes with the already flawed DNA formula Dr. Stein keeps injecting into Eddie. Soon Eddie's not feeling so well - while his limbs are still showing improvement and moving and having sensation, he definitely feels... funny. He certainly is starting to LOOK funny.

Eddie starts by getting a unibrow. No, seriously though he is actually getting kind of a caveman look, with a pronounced forehead and growing hair on the backs of his hands (better than the palms I guess). He apparently also starts growing taller somehow, unless he got the limbs of a freakin' basketball player 'cause he looks about seven feet by the time all is said and done and he is pure monster. And ready to kill - starting with the smartass white orderly.

He retains some smarts though - he's gotta get his 'fix' so he comes back to the house for the injections. But for some reason, the murders bring the police sniffing around the good doctor's house but he's oblivious and the girl's a ditz so... the movie drags on.

Until... Malcomb makes his move and being really smooth attacks Dr. Walker in her bed, making her scream (and rip her nightie). Since Eddie apparently has extra sensitive hearing along with his new height, he comes to her room and Malcomb shoots him but it doesn't even faze him.

Okay, here's where it gets REALLY dumb.

Eddie kills the doc but not his girlfriend and runs away - and we have a protracted chase scene to fill out the rest of the movie. How does the movie end? Glad you asked that 'cause this is something you just can NOT make up - oh wait, somebody did. Yikes. Two dobermans, who were the pit bulls of the 70's, EAT HIM. 

That's right, not back him into a corner so the cops could get him, not attack him and get thrown a thousand feet by his superhuman strength, TWO DOBERMANS EAT HIM and we see a close-up of his torso for the end - no guts, just bones. The end - thank freakin' goodness.