Hello to all those faithfully reading and hopefully enjoying this effort to make even the worst horror movie more watcha... aw, screw that - I'm not that good. If a movie makes you cringe because yet another batch of unlikable teens that are pushing 30 are inching toward their deaths, having a party no one does anywhere ever, a paranormal movie is boring you to tears with unending pans of empty rooms, or thanks to CGI technology when people finally bite it, their blood squirts everywhere except on the victim, the ground, the people next to them... you're in good company and this is the right place for you.

Friday, June 7, 2013


The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

Oh boy I don't have to give you the definition of a massacre AGAIN do I? No? So we're straight on that word and the difference between a cemetery and a graveyard? Really? Cool. Coming close as we are to 30,000 readers (or at least 3 of you looking at my blog lots and lots of times) I appreciate every one of you and want you to receive the most bang for your buck (hmm... where's my buck - nah, I still don't want advertising all over my page).

This is about a mass murderer who, of course, interrupts a slumber party (duh). Saying it's a mass murderer is safe - the definition is a person who kills at least four at the same, uh, incident? But this IS an 80's film which means the only interesting part about this movie is seeing the hair, the clothes, the attitudes, and trying to reconcile them with our own memories of the '80's. Like, did absolutely EVERY girl wear leg warmers? Use enough hairspray to put their own hole in the ozone layer? Say WHAT-ever in that Valley girl voice?

This killer, a prison escapee named Russ Thorn has a dumbass weapon of choice: a cordless drill with a long, uh, wood auger? In any case, he loves to dangle the drill so the camera shoots him from behind with the bit hanging down between his legs. How phallic. How boring. He's a little guy, with no attempt to hide his identity whatsoever - he's even wearing a jeans ensemble. That's a 70's thing, right? Oh well, he HAD been in prison, maybe it was in style when he went in.

He goes to work with that drill almost instantly - a couple of the girls in the movie are killed at the school, never even making it to the titular slumber party. And the blood begins to not spill. What I mean is that this film, for all the drilling, has very little in the way of gore and special effects are laughable. So is the killer. A drill? Really? I think an electric knife would have been scarier. One girl actually tries to go after him with a skill saw on an extension cord - I really don't have to tell you the results of that, do I? My favorite line? "We're all alone." Uh, we? So they don't know what alone means either huh?

The grossest/funniest part of the movie is when the girls order pizza. While they're haggling over who's got the money, leaving the guy outside to wait, the killer drills the man's eyes out but quietly because no one right on the other side of the door hears it. When they finally open the door, the dead pizza dude falls face first onto the floor AND the pizza. Later, when there's a lull in the killing one of the girls has the major munchies, probably from all the pot, and lifts the dude's head off the box, opens the pizza and helps herself. Wow.

Oh and major boo boos that were just plain lazy 'cause c'mon, somebody working on the film had to have seen these: One of the boys is outside looking in the windows as he searches for whoever killed the pizza man/food warmer and as he passes the windows, you can clearly see not only the reflection of another man, but of equipment moving as the boy and the angle moves - dumb dumb dumb. Like when the bad guy gets out of the swimming pool to attack the girls but as he does he's perfectly dry. 

Massive DUH but a welcome break from the rest of this movie. This movie had so many horrid mistakes in it that I didn't even catch them all - but then I didn't scrutinize this movie that closely - I didn't want to lose what little brain cells I've got counting all the different ways they screwed up.

So excitement, mayhem, murder and gratuitous nudity ensue in mass quantities. Not. This is a snooze of a movie - somehow a little denim dude coming at you with a drill just doesn't get the blood pumping. Especially when he's a weaselly looking little man that you could probably knock down by flicking him in the head. So far the slasher decade is not looking good.